Twenty Things Every Mom Needs to Know

by Creative Junkie on May 23, 2008

Last year, I had a layout published in which I dispensed some parenting advice that I had gleaned over my years as a mom. I’ve managed to keep my kids alive up to now so I think all of that advice still has merit and in my 4.3 minutes of allotted down time per day, I’ve gradually added to my arsenal. My goal is to have this mounted on a neon green 10′ x 10′ canvas and hang one in each of my daughters’ family rooms after they have children of their own. At the bottom, it will have a small, bronze plaque engraved with “I TOLD YOU SO. LOVE, MOM”

  1. My philosophy on parenting can best be described as a combination of “flying by the seat of my pants” and “baptism by fire” with a healthy dose of “winging it” thrown in for good measure.
  2. Save the $12.95 plus shipping/handling. No book is going to fully prepare you for the wonder that is projectile vomiting. You have to experience it first hand to truly appreciate all of its nuances.
  3. Television has the power to suck the ability to form a coherent thought right out of a child. Use this time wisely.
  4. Remember, there is no law that requires you to have fifteen of your daughter’s closest friends sleep over in your living room on her birthday and feed them all breakfast the next morning and no amount of hissy fits changes that fact.
  5. There is a direct correlation between raising a pre-teen daughter and the deterioration of cerebral function at warp speed. Who are you again?
  6. It’s one week before summer and your six year old insists on riding her bike into the road. What do you do? If your answer is to restrict her to your driveway and explain that you are simply trying to keep her safe and alive to enjoy the summer and, with any luck, her next birthday – good for you! Just be prepared for her to promptly fall off her bike in the driveway and suffer a spiral fracture of her lift tibia from ankle to knee, resulting in the summer being pretty much a bust. When she breaks her arm almost exactly one year later under identical circumstances, don’t say I didn’t warn you and I won’t say I told you so.
  7. The laws of physics simply don’t allow for seven friends to sit next to the birthday girl in a 2000 Honda Accord. It’ll be ugly but hey, you can’t fight the science.
  8. Any teacher worth his/her salt expects any mom worth her salt to negotiate the terms under which she will chaperone her kindergartner’s class field trip to the local zoo. As a mom and fellow human being, I encourage you to think of your own safety as it’s you against one hundred hot, sweaty little miscreants who haven’t eaten anything in three hours and who are demanding to pet the gorillas. Insist on a three foot perimeter “safe zone” protecting you from used tissue, chewed gum, sticky hands and various bodily fluids and gases. Bullhorns are a necessity, not a luxury. So is Xanax. If you feel your sanity is in jeopardy at any time, run far far away. If riding on a school bus is required, get the appropriate shots and demand combat pay. Make sure your affairs are in order. Just sayin’.
  9. When your five year old suffers a partially severed ear, requiring twenty stitches by a plastic surgeon in the ER and then asks if the mile of pink and purple bandaging around her head looks like “fashion,” just nod your head “yes” and try to ignore your clammy skin, greenish pallor, impending nausea, heart palpitations and acute dizziness. No one likes a drama queen.
  10. If you want your children to be able to function in the real world, then you better teach them how real time works. “Just a minute” does not mean sixty seconds, it means “whenever the hell Mommy feels like it.” So shut up already about the big hand and the little hand because you’re ruining it for the rest of us.
  11. In a perfect world, your pediatrician’s office has self-sterilizing toys, snack machines and a five minute maximum waiting time. But we don’t live in a perfect world, do we? Put your game face on and pack a bag.
  12. The first time you channel your mother won’t be your last.
  13. I can’t lie to you. There is no general consensus as to the length of a “stage.” It can last anywhere from ten minutes to ten years. Yes, it sucks. But at least you know.
  14. Barbie is the Devil Incarnate and Polly Pockets are her spawn.
  15. Taking a daily shower and separating dirty socks and underwear from dirty jeans before they hit the laundry basket is not considered child abuse. Neither is requiring them to actually hit the laundry basket.
  16. “I will” when uttered by a child actually means “I won’t until you ask me 83 more times.”
  17. Battling lice can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am so not kidding.
  18. Don’t sign your daughter up for girl scouts unless you are willing to sleep in some pretty icky places and take my word for it … no amount of Thin Mints is going to make you feel better about spending the night on the floor of an aquarium directly underneath the kid-friendly a/k/a no-walls-separating-you-from-them crab exhibit. Do I have to draw you a picture?
  19. The words “we’ll see” are almighty powerful and can mean yes,” “no,” “maybe,” “not a shot in hell” and/or “over my dead body,” depending on the circumstances. Use them sparingly and they’ll serve you well.
  20. If you think you won’t ever bribe, yell, or swear at your kids, or use the phrase “because I said so” … good luck with that. You’re on your own.

98 comments

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{ 97 comments… read them below or add one }

1
Juliana May 23, 2008 at 9:39 am

Your post made me laugh (and nod in agreement quite a few times!)

Thanks for stopping by my blog to comment today! At least, I think it was you! 🙂

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2
ckugrad May 23, 2008 at 9:41 am

You are killing me! And definitely a member of the “Bad Mother’s Club”! LOLOLOLOL, of which I am President! bwahahahhahah I’ll have to send my friends over to read this!
I went to cheer camp last year with 32 cheer princess (and the pea). The beds were disgusting, the bathrooms were mortifying, the food HORRIBLE, the walk in the heat to the air conditioned gym deplorable, how could starbucks be closed oh and btw 1/2 of them will be attending this University and living in this or a similar dorm very shortly! I was in paradise myself having a bathroom that wasn’t down the hall and someone cooking for me? This was not rouging it girls. This year we are going to “Resort Camp” because they couldn’t take it. OH and one of those cheer princesses is mine! LOL!

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3
Neverland Scraps May 23, 2008 at 9:43 am

very funny 20 things to read!! There were a bunch of them I was just laughing so loudly about that my youngest asked what was so funny!!

Thanks for a great read again today!

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4
Michelle Powell, Chief Scraphead May 23, 2008 at 10:17 am

Oh, I definitely needed that chuckle! You are too funny!

Great pearls of wisdom 🙂

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

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5
Amy Eileen May 23, 2008 at 10:19 am

OMG! LOL I am seriously sitting here roaring my big tush off! Oh man, you have got it down. Love this post. Definitely one of my fave blog posts of all time! YOU ROCK!

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6
Heather
Twitter: HeatherM74
May 23, 2008 at 10:52 am

That was AWESOME! So true, yet so freaking funny!!!!!!! Awesome post!

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7
Stella Crupko May 23, 2008 at 12:10 pm

LOL, I love it except I disagree with the girl scouts thing. I am a leader for my daughters girl scout troop and I love experiencing those things with her. Of course, its not for everyone.

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8
Martha
Twitter: eclecticred
May 23, 2008 at 12:59 pm

TRUE!!!! LOL!! Every word!! I just keep remembering the words of my grandmother…”You’ll have at least 1 child that makes you pay for your raisin’.” lol!! I’ve got 3!!:p

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9
Catherine May 23, 2008 at 2:48 pm

LO, i really enjoyed reading your 20 things!

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10
Amy May 23, 2008 at 6:59 pm

Amen, sister. Especially to No. 4. We had a slumber party for my daughter when she was in 5th grade … that was also the year I volunteered to lead her Girl Scout troop. I still have nightmares! I’m smarter now with my son. When he says, “You don’t have to come on this field trip, Mom,” I say, “Great!” and I go have coffee with my friends. If I do drive on a field trip, I tell the teacher I only have three seatbelts, when I actually have six.

Great post — thanks for the laughs!

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11
Alli May 23, 2008 at 8:48 pm

at this moment in time it sounds as though it is a lot safer to have boys, true I have used many of those ploys you have mentioned to advantage already but as they are only 4 and 6 I see I have a long way to go yet!

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12
jill May 24, 2008 at 6:51 am

Love the list!

I have comments and/or anecdote for almost all of them but that would be a lot of typing for me and a lot of reading for you. So I’ll just leave it at love the Barbie and Polly Pocket comment 🙂

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13
Mary Ann August 6, 2008 at 9:40 am

Yes, Katy has reached the Barbie/Polly Pocket age and you got that one right!! But you missed the part about how they seem to multiply on their own, especially the Polly Pockets!

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14
Louise Bostock October 31, 2008 at 12:34 pm

Loved it! Thanks for letting me know about this! LOLL

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15
Elaine November 1, 2008 at 9:43 am

Ok, so my kids are still young… but hey look at what I get to look forward to! YEAH!!!! Thanks for the heads up!!! 🙂

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16
Jill/Twipply Skwood December 21, 2008 at 1:53 pm

Oh those are ALL really good ones!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only I think you need to add, “And then I’ll sound totally indignant and mortified at the suggestion that I might not get something done right away.” to number 16.

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17
earthwire January 10, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Amazing!!!! I would save it till I have kids 🙂

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18
Melissa Papaj February 18, 2009 at 2:13 am

Too fun! Aren’t they so much work?! I haven’t dealt with the teens…YET!

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19
Mrs. Jelly Belly February 18, 2009 at 2:18 am

Oh, I am SO getting to work on my “I told you so” neon canvases – because it never hurts to rub it in. 🙂

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20
Eve February 18, 2009 at 2:21 am

LOL That was a great post! You’ve totally made my day!! LOL

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21
laura February 18, 2009 at 2:27 am

So totally true I have one for you: they’ll hate your guts, beg for 5 bucks sweetly and then instantly hate your guts again. I have boys, a 16 year old boy. BOYS ARE SO NOT EASY!!! Hiya from a sits 😀

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22
cat February 18, 2009 at 2:59 am

Great post – and yes! to the projectile vomit one – I so agree. Greetings from South Africa.

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23
Stesha February 18, 2009 at 3:20 am

When you frame it send me a copy. PLEASE!

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

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24
Saundra February 18, 2009 at 3:43 am

Oh… you are a Mama after my own heart…

I have 3 sons… I need a vacation.

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25
Preston February 18, 2009 at 6:05 am

How true! But it should apply to Dads as well as Moms. Does explosive, runny, green poop that drowns the right leg (where the snaps are located on the one piece sleeper) count the same as projectile vomiting? And if you think you are having fun now, just wait until your pre-teen girl becomes a teen. As a father of a 29 yo, all I can say is, “Be scared. Be very scared.”

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26
Erika February 18, 2009 at 6:29 am

Yep, yep, yep!!! Number 16 is tops in our house. And “because I said so” is one of my favorite phrases in the whole world!!!

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27
Lazy Daisy Marie February 18, 2009 at 6:34 am

Hahahaha! I’m glad I got to read this before I have kids!

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28
Debie - Devonshiredeb February 18, 2009 at 6:46 am

This post makes me glad I only have one boy…Congrats on yout SITS day!

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29
Lisa February 18, 2009 at 6:57 am

Wow..you really nailed the hammer on those.
LOL

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30
Bethany Morford February 18, 2009 at 6:58 am

Happy SITS day!

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31
Jamie February 18, 2009 at 7:18 am

I’m not a parent but I did love number 14. Dropping by from SITS…Hope you have a great SITS day! I’ll be adding you to my list of blogs I visit too….Your SUPER funny!

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32
Willo February 18, 2009 at 7:27 am

Those are great things to remember! I especially like the ones about physics in a Honda Accord and the length of a “stage.” I feel like the stages are never ending around here.

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33
Veronica February 18, 2009 at 7:27 am

So very true!

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34
K February 18, 2009 at 7:29 am

Thanks for the advice. I’m still new to the parenting gig (only have one toddler) so I’ll take everything I can get.

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35
Sandy February 18, 2009 at 7:32 am

This is hilarious yet so true!

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36
astrid February 18, 2009 at 7:35 am

Freaking hilarious!

I remember I had a slumber party once (only once!) where I invited all the girls from my class (like 20?). We all squeezed into a Subaru station wagon to go roller skating. Most certainly can’t do that these days! And how I regret having that many girls over…I wish my mom had just said NO! (as it turned into a disaster party for me).

Happy SITS day!

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37
Quiskaeya February 18, 2009 at 7:50 am

Okay are you living my life!!! lol I’m glad that I have company in this parenting thing. I think it’s a curse by Moms to their children to wish their children do what we did to our parents. Trust me I’m wishing it on my boys now! lol

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38
Carolyn February 18, 2009 at 7:53 am

Hello from SITS!

So TRUE! Funny, but TRUE!

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39
Karol February 18, 2009 at 8:13 am

Barbie is the Devil Incarnate and Polly Pockets are her spawn.

Priceless.

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40
WhatACard February 18, 2009 at 8:14 am

Oh my gosh, you’re so funny! I think you’re one of my new all-time favorite SITS finds! Now I have to go search your archives to find the “adult language” post that SITS promised but incorrectly linked!

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41
Cheryl February 18, 2009 at 8:17 am

I think I’ll have to throw away my teenagers and start over!

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42
Janna February 18, 2009 at 8:31 am

I am so glad to learn these things now, while my children are still young. You are a great SITS find. I am subscribing- darn you filling my google reader with more must reads!

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43
Sera @ Laughing Through the Chaos February 18, 2009 at 8:42 am

This is hilarious! I’m stopping by from SITS, and I’m so glad I found your site. You are awesome.

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44
April February 18, 2009 at 9:06 am

Excellent…what a fun read!

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45
Gwyn February 18, 2009 at 9:20 am
46
Elizabeth February 18, 2009 at 9:34 am

Sounds like you’ve got a frequent flyer card for the ER!

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47
Reluctant Housewife February 18, 2009 at 9:34 am

You speak the truth!

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48
Hollie February 18, 2009 at 9:36 am

Hilarious! Happy SITS day to you!

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49
Lyssa Ireland Thomas February 18, 2009 at 9:56 am

Looks like I’m right on track for being mother of the year!

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50
brandy February 18, 2009 at 10:03 am

12.95? Ha! Your list was priceless…

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51
Dana February 18, 2009 at 10:03 am

i was living #2 these last few days. 🙂

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52
Lisa M February 18, 2009 at 10:40 am

Happy SITS day! Your list was great lol.

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53
Sarah February 18, 2009 at 10:55 am

GREAT list!

I can see that I’m in for some…adventures…with my daughter (and the other one on the way).

Maybe I should print this list…

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54
Carina gardner February 18, 2009 at 11:08 am

Oh! That totally sucks about your daughter hurting herself before summer break…I have no idea what I would do…for two summers in a row…

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55
Jamie February 18, 2009 at 11:11 am

All so true and you are hilarious!!! I just tweeted you because I thought all moms should read this to get a good laugh, hehe.

Jamie 🙂

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56
Cammie February 18, 2009 at 11:30 am

words to live by…..

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57
Joy February 18, 2009 at 11:31 am

The last one, where you said “bribe”? I thought it said “bite” at first. ROFL!

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58
Donnetta Jaye February 18, 2009 at 11:40 am

Do you have copyright on these?? Hysterical!

Happy SITS!

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59
ali February 18, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Amen. 20 times.

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60
Heather February 18, 2009 at 12:14 pm

I may change my mind in the future, but for now all I can say is, “Thank you Depo-Provera!” I’m off to go apologize to my mother now for making 18 years of her life a living hell.

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61
Marrdy February 18, 2009 at 12:32 pm

My little sister too has PTSD from her daughter having lice. Now she’s a nut case. Not that I’m saying you are….or are you?

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62
Tami February 18, 2009 at 12:33 pm

I love #16!

Great list – enjoy your SITS day – its way too much fun!!

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63
mrsbear February 18, 2009 at 12:41 pm

You are a wise (hilarious) woman. I’m more familiar with most of those than I feel comfortable with. And I’m still recovering from our various lice episodes. I’ve considered shaving my daughters heads more than once (hey, if it looks good on Natalie Portman…) It’s been a pleasure reading you today. Congrats on the SITS feature.

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64
Shangrila February 18, 2009 at 1:10 pm

LOL-YES! Especially about Barbie and her evil spawn. We have never lost a Polly Pocket shoe. Yes, I am that crazy. Yesterday I told my 5-yr-old, “We’ll see…” and he turned to his sister and sighed, “That means no!” I told him that it absolutely did not, and he told me that it absolutely did. Whatever! Gotta go, my “minute” (35 minutes plus bathroom break and trip to the kitchen for a soda) is almost over! 😉

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65
gwen b. February 18, 2009 at 1:11 pm

I’m not a mom…yet, but I will def keep a few of these things in mind for the future!

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66
Dddiva February 18, 2009 at 1:13 pm

Hilarious. Enjoy your time to shine, SITSta.

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67
Jen, buried with children February 18, 2009 at 1:26 pm

I loved this. Amen to this list!!!!

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68
Lynn February 18, 2009 at 1:41 pm

We’ll see……….I love that phrase. I usually use it in hopes that they will forget what they asked me for so I don’t need to make a decision!

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69
Lisa February 18, 2009 at 1:48 pm

That is TOO funny. I can just hear the voice in “I will.” It usually has a bit of a whine towards the end, at least at my house.

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70
Michelle February 18, 2009 at 1:52 pm

Good stuff…I recently did a list of things I would never say…then I met my 3 year old.

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71
Rachel February 18, 2009 at 1:56 pm

Happy SITS day to you!

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72
Vickie February 18, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Great list! Polly Pockets are evil.

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73
Stephanie February 18, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Happy SITS day. I am laughing at the last one. I swore I wouldn’t say “Because I said so” it was my moms favorite word. But I caught myself saying it the other day. Shh don’t tell her though.

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74
Adrian February 18, 2009 at 3:11 pm

I like #10 and #19, ‘cuz that’s how I roll!

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75
Laura February 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm

This list is hilarious!

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76
Sharlene February 18, 2009 at 3:37 pm
77
Mesa February 18, 2009 at 4:06 pm

One of the FUNNIEST and TRUEST posts about mommyhood EVER! LOved every word of it! So glad the SITStas featured you! I needed a laugh today! 🙂

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78
Mama Kat February 18, 2009 at 4:32 pm

I’m bookmarking this page so I can reference it OFTEN. It’s all about the healthy reminders. 🙂

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79
Mama Kat February 18, 2009 at 4:33 pm

ps I don’t even know what that means…”healthy reminders”…you know…because it’s important to stay away from the really unhealthy reminders. ?? I don’t know. It’s been a long day. Leave me alone about it.

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80
Susan February 18, 2009 at 5:31 pm

I love this! There is such truth to each and every one of those.

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81
Becky February 18, 2009 at 7:45 pm

Great list, some things I have already experienced… some things I have to look forward to!

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82
Tori C. February 18, 2009 at 8:03 pm

Happy SITS day!

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83
Kimm at Reinvented February 18, 2009 at 9:43 pm

I need this hanging on my family room wall! Happy SITS day!

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84
Alicia @ Oh2122 February 18, 2009 at 10:06 pm

Awesome post!

Enjoy your day!

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85
Leslie Doyle February 18, 2009 at 10:13 pm

That is hilarious! And accurate. Of course, I don’t have girls…just one boy. But most of those rules are still the same. Thanks for the entertainment.

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86
Shannon February 18, 2009 at 10:34 pm
87
Christina L. February 18, 2009 at 11:19 pm

Love it! Great parenting tips..

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88
Sevi February 18, 2009 at 11:22 pm

I’m definitely going to keep these in mind for future reference. Hope you’ve enjoyed your SITS day =)

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89
Maricris February 18, 2009 at 11:23 pm

Number 20 never ever works! I tried that and it’s always like a hostage nego everytime!

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90
Andrea February 19, 2009 at 12:29 am

good to know! i’m not a mom yet, but this is good for the future. 🙂

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91
Rachael February 19, 2009 at 12:46 am

Hilarious! Happy SITS day!

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92
Jaden February 19, 2009 at 9:41 am

hee. hee. Good list 🙂

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93
Amber February 19, 2009 at 2:47 pm

OMG…I don’t have children yet…thanks for the warning!!

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94
Michelle February 19, 2009 at 11:39 pm

The things you don’t read about in the baby books. I’m so sending Little Miss to boarding school when she’s a teenager. I wonder what impact that will have….

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95
Sugar Mommy February 20, 2009 at 6:43 am

ahhhh. words to live by. i’m passing these along to all my friends. 🙂

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96
digi designz (Alicia) May 17, 2009 at 8:57 am

this is great! I’m gonna link up to this in my blog! hilariously funny!

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97
JanMary, N Ireland May 18, 2009 at 9:30 am

Missed this one first time round – a classic!

Thanks for the questions in my blog comment 🙂

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