It’s been about a month since I lost my “blog giveaway” virginity. It was traumatic and nerve wracking, not to mention a helluva lot of fun. Which is more than I can say for losing my actual virginity, but that’s another post entirely, one that will never make it onto this blog because my mom and dad are avid readers and as far as they’re concerned, I ordered Zoe and Helena out of a Pottery Barn catalogue.
Which is exactly what I’ve instructed Zoe and Helena to tell me when I’m bouncing my own grandchildren on my knees.
I want to do it all over again!
Host another giveaway, not lose my virginity. What are you, nuts? Besides, my virginity is not lost. I know exactly where it is: tucked away on top of my closet in an old shoebox, along with other miscellaneous items I haven’t seen in awhile, like my 24 inch waist and the ability to solve differential equations.
I pondered about what to give away this time … a ten year old Yankee candle with a burnt out wick? My adding machine afflicted with dyslexia? One of my kids?
But in the end, I decided what everyone needs is a red headed broad from Kentucky sporting a thick, southern drawl. I called all the red headed broads with southern drawls I know in Kentucky, which was just one: Martha Treadway a/k/a Krash.
Little known fact about Martha: 75% of her weight stems from the mass of red curls gracing her head. Seriously, she’s got more hair on top of her head than I do on my entire body, even when I forget to shave, and I’m of Mediterranean descent so that’s really saying something.
I asked Martha if she’d like to be my giveaway this Friday and she said she was sorry, but she couldn’t because she was busy.
And I said MARTHA, MARTHA, MARTHA in my best Jan Brady whine because I watched one too many episodes of The Brady Bunch while growing up. This would have gone over better had Martha’s name actually been Marsha but we have to make do with what we have, don’t we?
So I asked, busy doing what?
And she replied, ummmmm, busy doing laundry.
And I yelled, too bad, wear icky undies for a day and do my giveaway.
And she scrunched up her face and retorted, you are SO gross.
And I responded I know you are but what am I?
And she responded, a two year old?
Then I called her a wussy.
She called me a hag.
I sent her an emoticon picking his nose via Yahoo Messenger IM.
She sent me an emoticon vomiting chunks into a paper bag via Yahoo Messenger IM.
It’s lucky we’re good friends.
In lieu of offering her own self up so that she could stay in Kentucky and wear clean undies, she offered up her talent instead, in the form of a piece of custom designed line art, which is the foundation of her new business called eclecticRed, found HERE.
Basically, she makes Photoshop dance. With rhythm and everything.
I want to make Photoshop dance. I can make it wiggle and jiggle if I light a fire under my hard drive and scream at it long enough but she can make it do some serious hip hop with only minimal effort.
I want to do something serious with minimal effort. Sex doesn’t count. Besides, I don’t have sex, being a virgin and all. Just ask Nate.
Want to see what my giveaway is all about?
This is a photo of her cutie daughter. She picked that flower just for me, I know it.
.
This is after Martha got her hands all over it.
I know, right? She is such a show off.
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This is her cutie youngest son.
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This is her cutie youngest son on Martha’s Photoshop Steroids.
Any questions?
Again, that would have gone over so much better if I had a frying pan and cracked an egg into it but like I said, we have to make do.
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Here’s Martha being tackled by all three of her offspring.
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America, Martha’s got talent. Somebody clue David Hasselhoff in.
And lest you think Martha uses an action or filter or plugin to get these results in an instant, think again. She draws them all by hand, using the pen tool. For those of you not familiar with Photoshop’s pen tool, it’s a sadistic little monster that I like to refer to as OH MY GOD, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT SO MUCH, GIVING BIRTH WAS EASIER THAN USING THIS THING.
She is also a lover of nature and bugs, but we won’t hold that against her, OK?
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So, what am I giving away?
One 11 x 14 custom piece of line art designed by Martha Treadway otherwise known as Krash otherwise known as Kentucky Red Head Who Won’t Wear Icky Undies. All you have to do is email or snail mail her whatever photo you want her to use for the drawing. Your kids. Your pet. Your husband. Your wife. Your house. How about the one of Aunt Mo prancing around in her skivvies and hugging a bottle of vodka?
Simple black and white rendering -OR- full blown color chock full of design … it’s winner’s choice.
Oh, and the 11 x 14 drawing will come mounted on a 3/4 inch thick, lightweight board with black edging, ready to hang.
It’s valued at $135. Needless to say, this ain’t your mama’s artwork.
Not that there’s anything wrong your mama’s artwork! Please don’t make your mama yell at me. Because then I’ll have to get my mama involved and she’ll do that freakish eyebrow thing and scare everyone.
OK … here’s the scoop. Pretty darn simple, actually:
- To enter, leave a comment in this post telling me I’m pretty.
- No entries after 9:00 pm eastern time on Sunday, February 8, because that’s when I’ll be running around the house, trying to find Helena’s school binder and concoct something resembling her lunch out of an onion, bologna and paprika.
- I’ll use random.org to select one winner. As you know, I can do random like no one’s business.
- Would somebody please explain to me who no one is and why he owns a business to begin with?
- Please don’t enter more than once. If you don’t see your comment right away, be patient. It will appear. DON’T BE LIKE ME AND FREAK OUT. It’s unbecoming, don’t you think?
- I’ll announce the winner on Monday!
I’m pretty excited about this and so is Martha. Actually, I believe the word she used is twitterpated.
I’m assuming that’s a Kentucky thing.
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Like it? Share it! Karma rocks:
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Twitter: heather_t_
February 6, 2009 at 3:04 am
Wow, gorgeous stuff! Not only are you pretty, Andy, you’re hilarious too. Now isn’t that a winning combination?? Happy 2nd give-away!
Not random.org again! You know we hate that. But you are divinely beautiful as is the fantastic artwork. I’m off to start looking through My Pictures to see which one I want transformed into fantastic art. You know you’re ‘pretty’ damn funny too!
wow those are amazing.. what is the chance of international postage or am i out of luck..
and you are absolutely gorgeous.. and pretty funny!
Twitter: barbhogan
February 6, 2009 at 6:21 am
You look just like me, so of course I think you’re gorgeous, dahlink!
Twitter: MissusSmith
February 6, 2009 at 6:55 am
Oh, Andy, Andy, Andy, you are elegance and beauty personified. And you said “skivvies” which is a word my father actually uses as regular, everyday language. Srsly. (The man also says “dungarees” and proclaims anything good or cool to be “sharp” so, you know, he’s got an….interesting vocabulary. Alas, I didn’t realize these words weren’t part of the usual New Jersey vernacular as a child until an unfortunate incident in the girls’ locker room that probably had a lot to do with me being branded a Weirdo and left destitute of friends until I transferred schools in 7th grade, now that I think about it……)
Anyhow, what an utterly fantabulous giveaway! You rock!
PS – can’t wait ’til lunch!!
Twitter: kwr221
February 6, 2009 at 7:08 am
You are not just pretty, your beeeyooootiful! And funny, too.
See you at lunch.
Are you kidding me?!!! Martha’s photo art is the coolest thing I’ve seen in months. She’s got mad skills. And she’s pretty. And you’re pretty. And your blog is pretty. Really. I mean that.
And in case your mom and dad are reading the comments, Pottery Barn has the very best selection of mail-order kids I’ve ever found.
Let’s seeee……Andy is B-E-Autiful! Hee, hee. and is Martha Martha, Martha and her artwork. I wish I could do stuff like that it woudl be fun.
Congratulations on your give away!
How does one person have so much talent?
And be so pretty?
And so clever and witty all the livelong day?
Oh and Martha’s stuff is awesomely cool too! Wow!!
OH MY THESE ARE GREAT!!! sooo pretty. Oh and YOU ARE MARVELOUS and GORGEOUS and sooo sooo TALENTED
Her work is stunning! What amazing talent. I’m overwhelmed just trying to imagine how to do something like that with Photoshop.
Now that I have ideas running through my head of WHICH picture I might want to use I guess I’d better say “Oh! Pick MEEEEEEE”
You’re pretty, you’re pretty, you’re pretty. And funny. And brilliant… I just love your blog
Oh Andy, you’re so pretty!
Martha’s work is amazing! Thanks for a chance to win it.
First of all, let me just say, Andy…you are pretty! : )
Second, OMG, I want to win this giveaway more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life. The talents which you and your Kentucky friend possess are absolutely AMAZING. I would LOVE to see what she can do with a picture someone randomly snapped of me and my darling 3 yr old son…he’s kissing my cheek and has his lil arm wrapped around my neck in the cutest way! I bet she could make that photo even MORE of an amazing keepsake.
And the cool thing…I’m in Kentucky, too! I want to meet this redheaded broad with the southern accent. I want her to create these beautiful masterpieces for me…one for every room in my house!
I want this so BADLY! And as you know Andy…we mothers rarely want or ask or ever get anything just for OURSELVES. I am a hardworking and hardloving, 40 hours a week, working mom who NEVER has time to do anything for herself (other than sneak a minute or two DAILY to check your blog, cause I love your writing so much)! I deserve to win this…just once, something for me and I NEVER win anything! Besides, money is tight. AND no matter how much I want a piece of Krash’s Photoshop magic, I’ll never be able to afford it under any other circumstances. This is MY ONLY SHOT!
Wish me luck. And I’m crossing my fingers NOW!
Of course you’re pretty! We’re like….flowers or something, stuck in the frost of this WNY winter!
Oh my goodness, Martha work is awesome! What an awesome giveaway!
First off, have I told you you are pretty? Really. I don’t actually read your blog, I just look at your avatar. That’s how pretty you are. Also, I am so thrilled to know I’m not the only mom around making lunches out of bologna, an onion and paprika. That’s a daily thing in our household. Want to be BFFs?
Hey, I’m from KY! And I’m doing laundry too! But I’m not that talented
What an amazing artist she is.
And Andy, I think you’re pretty, smart, talented, artistic, and a dang funny writer. Thanks for having the c-c-c-courage to write down all the stuff we want to say but don’t have the guts!
Andy, you are a beauty! Which is better than pretty! And Martha is a fabulous artist! I’d so love a piece of her artwork!! Great giveaway!!! And where can I get the nose picking and vomit spewing emoticons!?
Wow! Girl, you’re not pretty…you’re gorgeous!! This is such an awesome give away!
Wow! What an awesome giveaway!
And you’re so pretty – as is your blog. You make me laugh, and that’s a good thing. 
you are so as pretty as the artwork of your friend!
why is there none of hers with you as the main focus, hmmm?
but yeah, anyways, I better get busy praying to the random.org gods
Yes indeedy, you are pretty, oh so pretty.
And funny, and creative, and smart, and wow, you have talented friends.
Have a wonderful weekend
You’re pretty.
And I’m sure your undies are fresh.
Blessings!
(love, love her stuff–fantastic giveaway!!!!)
You’re not pretty………you’re Beautiful! Peace, Mike.
You are a totally hot {virginal} sex beast!
You know you’re pretty….isn’t that why you got your nose done? That’s why I got MINE done!!
You make my date start with a laugh. I think you are twisted in a great sort of way. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and baby I’m beholding a real beauty!
No One has been in business since about 326 BC. It all started with that who left the Wall Gates open and let the Babaloyians in? Everyone looked around and said “no one.”
Love, love, love her work and your blog – not only are those pictures pretty so are you!
Thanks for the second giveaway chance.
Good gosh do I want one of those. That is amazing. Even if the gods of random.org frown on me, I am keeping this in mind because what an amazing gift this would be!! (for, ahem, ME!)
Ok, how beautiful are you? Well, you are super talented. Amazingly funny. And I’ve seen your picture. You are not only amazing looking for your age. Not only amazing looking for having a teenage daughter. You are just flat-out stunning. Like America’s Next Top Model gorgeous. Are you thinking of auditioning for the next cycle? You should!
nothing better as to read your postings! you should write books for sure! and of course, you are pretty LOL
You’re so preeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…
You’re PRETTY funny!
You are pretty. Martha is pretty. Her offspring is pretty. When I close my eyes, avoid mirrors, and strike a pose, I am pretty. I like pretty. I love Martha’s work and your blog. Now…..pick me random…..pick me! LOL Thanks for the laughs and the give away!
wow…cool giveaway. It should go to a fellow Kentucky girl — me! And yep, I agree — you are pretty!
Twitter: eclecticred
February 6, 2009 at 11:31 am
LOL! Andy! You weren’t supposed to tell about my undies! Thanks for letting me be a part of your 2nd giveaway! Just scratch my # out of the giveaway and let me tell you that you are pretty!! Oh soo pretty
Twitter: Gaither
February 6, 2009 at 11:35 am
Wow, I love her art!!! I’ll do more than tell you you’re pretty….you’re a hottie!!!!
not only are you pretty, andrea…..you’re hot! Now please pick me….I have just the picture. thanks for the great giveaway. martha’s work is wonderful.
She is a Goddess! Those are incredible! How she must see the world.
Did I mention yet today how your eyes hold the energy and spirit of the next dimension in their depths, and that you look very pretty today?
Nobody has his own business because nobody needs to sell his stuff.
Of course you are pretty, but that’s not the point! Her artwork is AWESOME! Very IMPRESSIVE!
You are pretty… pretty funny. I’m glad I put your blog on my blog reader listy-thingy.
What Martha does is way cool.
Oh my god! Those are amazing. I would love that!
No way I could ever do something like that, I’m jealous.
You are amazingly funny and gorgeous. I love love this site and would have 10000 of your babies if I could. But like, not in that way, ya know
Congratulations on the second time
PS. You are very pretty
Those are some great pictures. I wish I could do that. I don’t have the patience to do it. LOL!
Okay you are seriously cracking me up! I love that you are solicting compliments for entries…brilliant…why didn’t I think of that. And yes you are pretty
I’m new to your blog but I just love “meeting” other junkies…especially ones with a sense of humor about it.
I’ll be back!
You’re pretty, you’re creative AND you’re organized!
I love her work. I am drooling over it. I would be thrilled out of my mind to have her do one of these drawings for me…
Oh, and BTW, you ARE pretty. Love ya. Mean it.
You’re gorgeous dahling!
The artwork’s really nice too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24bwBb__O2A
Thank you for the giveaway!!
Rachel
You are sooo pretty! I just love your blog – it’s just what I need to get through the day at work. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s great to know that your family is just like mine and I’m not alone!!!
You are so pretty, creative junkie.
And Marsha is very talented!
YOU’RE PRETTY (does shouting it get me extra entries?)
And “twitterpated” is from Bambi, which I am sure you wouldn’t watch because mom gets shot, and all that sad stuff… 
And now I want Photoshop so I can try that, though I barely have time for all the stuff I am doing now, including the quilting I wanted to do when I bought a sewing machine 2 years ago so I could learn to quilt… But I digress. And ramble. Have a good weekend and stay warm (40s tomorrow!). 
Not only pretty but funny – my kind of girl… if I was into girls. But, I would love to hang out and drink a beer with someone who can pop out as many random comments as you do in a small space.
Very cool work by your friend, BTW.
Awesome giveaway! What talent!
Oh, and has it been mentioned that you are PRETTY?!!
Holy Moses in a basket that is talent!! Your blog is hilarious thank you for sharing it on the pod. I would love to have a family pic done by Martha…that’s some art that is definitely wall worthy!!
You ARE pretty! Pretty in body, mind and spirit. If I didn’t like your blog so much, I’d be jealous of you. LOL
O.M.G. That artwork is AMAZING!!! I am almost in tears thinking of a certain wedding pic that would be to die for like that! You are not pretty, I am sorry; you are GORGEOUS and even more so, your personality just glows! I love your blog and am so adding you to my favorites. I know you will be able to put a smile on my face on a bad day. Thank you so much for sharing your humor and for sharing your friend’s talent!
You are so pretty!! GREAT giveaway!! Would love to win!!!
Na Na Na Na Na . . . oh Pretty Woman, don’t walk on by, Pretty Woman – Stay a while . . . .
You’ll be singing it – you know you will! What a great Art Spectacular! Thanks for the opportunity!
Linda in Ohio (Neighbor to Krash in Kentucky)
Well, thanks for giving me another blog or two to stalk. And, GREAT name! But, you’re spelling it wrong. Dude, you are Fun-nay! Thanks for sharing on the Pod so I could find this random funniness.
Ande
You are VERY pretty and have such a way with words. So nice of you to do this!!
You are pretty. And funny. Your friend Martha is funny, and pretty, also. You are also both very talented. That works out pretty good, doesn’t it?
Sigh. I wish I could have a virginity do-over.
You are sooooooooo very pretty.
Beautiful, beautiful pictures.
New visitor but am adding you to my favorites list!! Fantastic pics all the way around – I don’t usually win at anything but I’ve got all my fingers and toes crossed for this one! Those drawings are spectacular. I’ll be back!!
YOU ARE PRETTY, PRETTY, PRETTY! So is Krash’s artwork!
Boy are you purty, and look at all your comments! Thanks for stopping my blog you pretty pretty pretty Lady.
Your pretty-ness is blinding my dear! And holy hell, these are amazing!!! What an awesome giveaway! Thank you so much for doing this, and thank you to Martha for actually doing it!!
You are so awesome to be doing this giveaway! And pretty on top of awesome!!! And funny on top of pretty (which is on top of awesome)!!! Thanks for the opportunity to enter!
Well, wow, Martha is REALLY talented! Thanks so much for the chance to win!
Woo Hoo!! Love your blog! I think you are very pretty. That Martha is one extremely talented girl!! She absolutely gives new meaning to the phrase “have pen will doodle.” Oh and I know exactly which photo I’ll send to be digitally immortalized. Pick me! Pick me! I’m yelling from Utah while jumping up and down and crossing my legs cuz I’m so excited!
you’re pretty and I won’t even finish it like my dad use to do when he told us we were pretty, pretty ugly, and pretty apt to stay that way. Know the name of a good therapist?
Oooooooh! What pretty pictures! I was already to try and come up with a cute and clever comment that screamed “pick-me, pick-me” (I see donkey in my head right now!)…but then I saw it…random.org…
Oh well, posting a comment anyway, cuz maybe I’ll win cute art of my kiddos!
Ok, I have to post a comment to be in this giveaway cuz that is an awesome giveaway!! oh yea! you’re pretty! ha!
Okay, first of all, you are just too funny! Thanks for making me laugh today-I needed it. Second, your friend is talented beyond words. What you should us-they are beautiful. I especially like th eone of her daughter holding the flower. And last but not least, you are one pretty thing! thanks again for the laughs:)
You’re pretty…the pictures are pretty…I want a pretty picture!
Now that is some wicked talent! How amazing is that? I am in awe! BTW…you’re pretty!
-To enter, leave a comment in this post telling me I’m pretty.
I’m telling you…you are pretty.
-No entries after 9:00 pm eastern time on Sunday, February 8th.
It’s February 6th, 4:00 pm mountain standard time. Whew.
-Would somebody please explain to me who no one is and why he owns a business to begin with?
No one is (drum roll) Joe the Plumber. And Cindy McCain bank rolled him and that’s why he owns a business to begin with.
-Please don’t enter more than once. If you don’t see your comment right away, be patient. It will appear. DON’T BE LIKE ME AND FREAK OUT. It’s unbecoming, don’t you think?
I’ll announce the winner on Monday!
This is my ONE and ONLY entry. Although I like to dance freaky, I won’t be getting freaked out, k? I agree that unbecoming looks really bad, especially on me. Makes my hips look big.
*open,open,open,open,open,open,open,open,open,open,open,open Is it Monday morning yet and has the blog opened yet?*
LOL
You are beautiful. You also have a great sense of humor!!! What a great give-away.
Lovely work; hilarious blog! I keep finding you and meaning to bookmark and forgetting! so now I have! btw I think you’re pretty too (how much do i I love your hair colour??) *Wink Wink*
You’re pretty!
And I love your friend’s talent!
Wow! Gorgeous AND you have a way with words! I was cracking up your entire post! Thanks for the laugh- I really needed it about now!
The pictures are gorgeous- honestly, thank you for the chance to win one!!!
Wow…those are beautiful! So I’ll be crossing my fingers until you announce the winner on Monday…which will make for an interesting weekend for me
Oh yeah….you’re pretty! And hilarious.
Oh my, the line art is amazing! What a fantastic thing to giveaway. You ARE beautiful.:)
You are very pretty, and I would LOVE to win a gorgeous picture! Thanks for the chance to win!!
I will play! You are drop your pants type of gorgeous! No one is all about everyone’s business.
Your friend has amazing talent. I love her work!
I think your very pretty.
of course you are pretty!!
I am in awe of martha. I really want to win this but I would spend hours agonizing over which photo of my kids to send her. Hours. I still would love it though.
Andy is muy bonita!
and her friend is muy nice to help her give such a gift.
very cool!
Love your blog and your writing!
You’re pretty you’re pretty, you’re prettyprettypretty!!!
This is genious work!
you are not just pretty, you are gorgeous sister!!!! love your blog! you make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me feel like we are twins separated at birth. please, please, please put me in the draw and then tell that random generator thingy to pick olwyn!!!!
Olwyn
What kid wouldn’t trade lunches for an onion-paprikawich? Especially when you toss in a hunk of bologna? Nothin’ better! (Except possibly canned tuna and chocolate chips) And you are stunningly pretty.
Andy you truly are pretty cool and Martha is pretty damn clever. Love her work I do wish her all the luck in the world….off to check out her link now.
You’re pretty…of course! What a wonderful blog and wit. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I sure hope could find a picture that would do her artwork justice!
Oh how I enjoyed reading your blog. A friend of mine just sent me the link. I have some catch up to do. You are pretty and your friends work is awesome! Thanks for the give a way. Have fun!
WOW. That gal has got some talent. And, you know you’re pretty. But, it doesn’t hurt to have some 100 odd people tell you.
Thanks for the contest.
You are gorgeous, dah-ling, simply ravishing!
I lurk. Often. Know what happens even more frequently than me lurking? You making me laugh! It’s quite the skill you have here in this there writing, Ms. Andy. I must say – You are a triple threat. Great Looks, Great talent, and more great looks!
You are pretty and witty!!!! Your blog puts a smile on my face in the morning. Now I just need to find something to smile at on the days you don’t post. I know a beautiful picture by Martha! Thanks for this awesome giveaway and also for your absolutely funny stories.
should I be upset that no one has ever asked if I would be the prize in their give-away? Oh Lord, another thing to feel badly about. Oh and the fact that I could never draw like Martha.
Hey found your blog not to0 long ago…it makes my day now AND as my granny used to say…”PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES” so that makes you pretty dang awesome!
I LOVE PHOTOSHOP…haven’t quite even FOUND the pen tool yet????does your friend do private lessons? She is amaze ing and so are you…and heehawlareeassss!!!!
Anyone as funny as you, Andi, would be beautiful if you had no face at all.
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