Excuse me, do I get royalties or something?

by Creative Junkie on February 20, 2009

My former mother-in-law forwarded me an email yesterday which contained some of National Geographic’s best photos of 2008.

I have always loved my former in-laws and I have always loved National Geographic. Their photos blow my mind.

National Geographic’s photos, that is. My former mother-in-law, bless her heart, cannot take a picture without lopping off someone’s head.

And my mom is no longer allowed to touch a camera lest her grandchildren think they are descended from the Headless Horseman.

I need to keep my current mother-in-law sequestered. There needs to be one grandma in this family capable of taking photos of family members with all of their appendages attached because I simply do not have time to photoshop heads onto relatives.

So anyway, National Geographic photos blow my mind and it’s not easy to blow my mind because I experienced the seventies and eighties and nineties, which is like living through the sixties times ten. Oh, and I’m also currently raising a teenager. A female one. So yeah, blow all you want, my mind is not going anywhere.

Except when you stick a National Geographic in front of me. Because as soon as you do, watch out as my mind hightails its ass right on out the window to far away, exotic places.

I wish the rest of me could go to far away, exotic places. Cracker Barrel doesn’t count.

The photos contained in this particular email blew my mind not only for their subject matter and artistic excellence, but because they reflected so much of my own life.

So much so, that they actually scared me.

It’s not easy to scare me. Did I mention the whole seventies and eighties and nineties thing? And the whole “raising a female teenager” thing? A female teenager with hormones? And issues? And attitude?

Exactly.

So here I sit, wondering how National Geographic managed to sneak into my house and create a photo essay of my life without my knowledge.

national-geographic-moose

Nate kisses me goodbye every morning.

I’m the smaller one.

Like I had to tell you that!

Didn’t I?

national-geographic-monkey

This is Nate, waiting for oodles of money to drop out of the sky so that he can go buy something, preferably off the Internet.

He thinks that I think he’s just answering emails on his laptop.

national-geographic-eyes

Little does he know I’m watching. These are the eyes in the back of my head. They look exactly like the eyes in the front of my head. Except bigger.

Who says you need mascara?

Not me, that’s who.

national-geographic-monkey_

AAAAAAACK.

Why why why did I blink?

There he goes, out into cyberspace.

Off into that big retail nirvana that is online shopping.

Totally unsupervised.

God help me.

national-geographic-turtle

Excuse me while I flip out.

Because OH MY GOD, I have only to look at our $80 Chia Pets to be reminded of the damage Nate can do in mere seconds online.

I won’t even bother mentioning the numerous Wii systems he “won” online in a few moments of panicked desperation one Christmas, all for only double the MSRP.

Or the framed certificates pronouncing our daughters as owners of specific stars in the universe.

On second thought, I guess I will.

national-geographic-leaf

I just don’t think our poor, frazzled, worn out Mastercard can hack it.

Believe it or not, our Mastercard was once firm and shiny and vibrant and full of life.

Come to think of it, so was I.

national-geographic-turtle

Before I married a man who thinks buying on eBay is written in the Bill of Rights in invisible ink.

national-geographic-snow-mo

I live in fear that we are only one Chia Pet fiasco from declaring bankruptcy and relocating into the gutter down the street.

I don’t do gutters.

Maybe Nate didn’t get that memo.

For God’s sake, do you know how long I’ll have to skip shaving to grow a fur coat heavy enough to survive our winters?

At least two days.

national-geographic-buried

I am simply inconsolable.

national-geographic-giraffe

We finally get our Mastercard bill and as I hyperventilate and go into cardiac arrest, Nate tries to make nice nice.

As if.

Take your nice nice and stick it where the sun don’t shine, mister. Take your Chia pet with you.

national-geographic-birds

What’s wrong?

You know what’s wrong.

No, I don’t.

Yes, you do.

I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.

If I have to tell you, then you don’t deserve to know.

That doesn’t even make sense.

So what? Leave me alone.

(Repeat 10 times)

Fine.

FINE.

national-geographic-cat

For approximately a day or ten, I concentrate all my attention on the kids and remain aware but aloof to the Y chromosome lurking in my midst.

national-geographic-shark

I am frustrated and upset.

Translation: Who ate all the goddamn cookies?

national-geographic-whale

I am no longer frustrated and upset.

Translation: *burp*

national-geographic-volcano

And in the middle of all this hullabaloo, what do you know? Yet another raging bladder infection. Must be my birthday. Or Christmas.

Or Monday.

Can I get a WHOO HOOO anyone?

national-geographic-alligat

WHOO FREAKING HOOOO.

national-geographic-deer

Can we talk now?

*Sigh*  I guess so.

national-geographic-hug

Eventually, we hug it out.

national-geographic-moose

And before we know it, we’re back to ourselves again.

*Smooch*

.

Just for the record, if this is ever made into a major motion picture, I call dibs on Angelina Jolie.

.

42 comments

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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }

1
Heather T.
Twitter: heather_t_
February 20, 2009 at 1:40 am

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!

And those are some phenomenal pics. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see them in the same way, somehow. *grin*

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2
KathyB! February 20, 2009 at 7:16 am

I’m a return SiTS friend who will now be visiting your site like a religious experience :) There is no better way to start the day then with a good belly laugh!

Happy Friday!

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3
Michelle February 20, 2009 at 8:01 am

That was very, very, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love having you to read, makes my mood lighter, especially when I have a teenager to deal with…..sympathies?

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4
Beth Nixon February 20, 2009 at 8:07 am

What absolutely amazing photos they got of your life!

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5
Nerdy Jess February 20, 2009 at 8:14 am

Gah gah, I love it! This is so how I feel right now:

I am frustrated and upset.

Translation: Who ate all the goddamn cookies?

is totally me.

-Jess

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6
gabs February 20, 2009 at 8:48 am

wow – those photos are amazing!

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7
Julie February 20, 2009 at 9:00 am

Wow! Amazing pictures, but your writing is also witty and clever. Makes a great combination. Thanks for posting.

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8
Heather @ nobody but yourself
Twitter: MissusSmith
February 20, 2009 at 9:09 am

That turtle picture is priceless – erm, I mean the picture of you flipping out, rather.

:D

Well done, as usual, madame!

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9
harriet February 20, 2009 at 9:23 am

Great photos!
Hi from SITS!

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10
cindy February 20, 2009 at 9:55 am

what fantastic pics and a longggggggg post :)

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11
sherrie February 20, 2009 at 10:04 am

i am totally cracking up, wet-my-pant-laughing-so-hard, falling out of the chair, hysterical. love the post.

Reply to this comment

12
Martha
Twitter: eclecticred
February 20, 2009 at 10:06 am

ROTFLOL!!!!! Seriously Andy:D I can’t eveeennl;tyalspe!!

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13
Jaden February 20, 2009 at 10:13 am

These pictures are FANTASTIC… and your commentary??? LMAO!

Have a great weekend!

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14
photojenic February 20, 2009 at 10:38 am

I swear, you have the BEST blog EV-AH! I wish I half your writing talent. My blog is about as funny as an obituary. lol…

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15
Amy February 20, 2009 at 10:59 am

Woman, you are the Sofie Kin…(Shopaholic, I suppose that’s appropriate given the post)something of the internet. Very cool. Thanks for the morning laugh!

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16
Lisa Dickinson February 20, 2009 at 12:05 pm

National Geographic really needs to hire you to write photo captions…I just might subscribe then :)

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17
Sharlene February 20, 2009 at 12:36 pm

Oh my gosh. I will never look at National Geographic the same…..

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18
Michele W February 20, 2009 at 12:44 pm

Andi,

I just have to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog! I check it every day, and you are hilarious!!!! You truly are a very gifted writer!!

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19
Kiki Halbert February 20, 2009 at 3:45 pm

OMG Andy! You are so not allowed to make me cry laughing at work on a Friday afternoon. Now people think I had a liquid lunch!

Great post!

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20
russ February 20, 2009 at 4:23 pm

thank you. I needed that laughter. :)

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21
Barb
Twitter: barbhogan
February 20, 2009 at 4:25 pm

Girl, that was BRILLIANT!

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22
Joy February 20, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Best thing I’ve read all week :)

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23
Momma
Twitter: momnmk
February 20, 2009 at 8:24 pm

YOU.ARE.BRILLIANT! I will be visiting you more often!

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24
Lorrie / Dnksmommy February 20, 2009 at 9:53 pm

adorable pics huh? I TOO, am a NatGeo fanatic. You KNOW how much I love photography anyway. I’ve been getting the mag for about 14 yrs or so. My in laws give me the subscription every year as part of my christmas gift. cool huh? And oh, yes, I LOVE the photos.
Um, actually wait, I don’t look at the pictures hon, honest, I just read the articles.. yeah. just the articles….
Oh, and I didn’t inhale back in the 80′s or 90′s either. Just in case your wondering. lol!!

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25
Three Bay B Chicks February 20, 2009 at 11:39 pm

Have you heard? Today is Day 1 of the Where in the World is Wenda? Contest. Head over to Three Bay B Chicks and Hot Chocolate Caramel Mocha to join in the fun. Can’t wait to see you there!

-Wenda

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26
aud February 21, 2009 at 12:29 am
27
LORI February 21, 2009 at 1:20 am

OKAY, THIS IS JUST HILARIOUS. LUCKY FOR MR. “Y” THAT YOU HAVE A CREATIVE OUTLET TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM, OR HIS GOOSE MAY JUST HAVE BEEN COOKED! COMING OVER FROM SITS, CONGRATS ON YOUR FEATURE DAY!

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28
Jill/Twipply Skwood February 21, 2009 at 11:56 am

I know everyone already said this but that is WAY TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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29
Vicki February 21, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Those are amazing pictures! And great captions to go with them :) I kinda feel like that sometimes…

Thanks for sharing with BPOTW!

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30
Brenda February 21, 2009 at 3:46 pm

I love the way you did that, we got to see some great pics and see what they triggered in your mind.

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31
Heather Happymaker
Twitter: HeatherKephart
February 21, 2009 at 6:30 pm

I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life!!!!!! You are simply amazing. I don’t know how you do it.

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32
Margaret (Nanny Goats) February 21, 2009 at 7:36 pm

My God, those pics are stunning. Your family photographs very well. Does this mean Grandma didn’t take them?

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33
kirsten February 21, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Great pics! Love your blog.
I have something for you at my blog. Check it out!

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34
Connie February 21, 2009 at 10:35 pm

Freakin’ hilarious.

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35
bettyl February 21, 2009 at 10:38 pm

The scary part is that I would think the same things but never actually say them out loud….

thanks for the giggle

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36
Alicia @ Oh2122 February 21, 2009 at 11:32 pm

This was such a great post!

Excellent work!

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37
Farrah from Wife and Mom of 3 February 22, 2009 at 1:53 pm

As always you are absolutely hilarious and SOOO creative!!!

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38
Brenda February 23, 2009 at 1:18 pm

Wow, I never knew our human lives could SO be expressed in awesome nature pictures. I will never look at National Geographic pics the same now:)

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39
Holly at Tropic of Mom February 24, 2009 at 4:33 pm

Hahaha! Great photo essay. Although I think that volcano is my face bursting forth another angry spout of pregnancy hormones.

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40
MsMVNJ February 25, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Great post! Just dropped in from SITS!

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41
Louise March 1, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Coming to you from BPOTW. This is the funniest post I’ve read in a while. LOL, double LOL. Hilarious. Thanks.

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42
BPOTW August 10, 2009 at 2:20 am

Very cleverly done! I gotta say the sea turtle is my favorite!! Thanks for the smiles!

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