I promise, this will be the last time I compare hosting a giveaway on my blog to losing my blogging virginity, because honestly, I’m starting to come across as a bit promiscuous, aren’t I?
And I am so far from promiscuity that I can’t even see it from here, much less participate in it.
However, blogging about losing my actual virginity is still on the table.
If I ever really lost my actual virginity, that is.
Which I haven’t. I believe I’ve mentioned before that my mom reads this blog and thinks Zoe and Helena came special order from the Pottery Barn Catalog.
So, let’s get on with it, shall we?
Once upon a time, I entered a scrapbooking contest.
OK. Twice upon a time, I entered this contest.
FINE. If you want to get technical about it … thrice upon a time, I entered this damn contest.
But only because twice upon a time, I didn’t win. And because I’m a glutton for punishment. And masochistic.
And apparently, redundant.
It was called the Creating Keepsakes Hall of Fame contest. Back in the day, it was a very prestigious contest to win with lots of publicity and honor.
I didn’t win it back in the day. In fact, I won it the last year it was held.
And that’s all I’ll say about that.
The Hall of Fame prize package, contributed to by several generous companies, was something akin to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom and included tons and tons of bright, shiny, colorful traditional scrapbooking products, like patterned paper, cardstock, embellies and the like.
But if you happened to be a digital scrapbooker with no inclination to partake in paper craftiness, whose winning entry was 100% digital, who was hoping to have digital scrapbooking represented and score some Adobe candy or even just one digital element, the package was more like the parking lot of Magic Kingdom. Nowhere near the tram. In the middle of August. With soggy shoes.
But my kids thought otherwise, as evidenced by my fleeting glimpse of their bulging eyes immediately before they dived head first into the boxes and called dibs on any item they managed to grab before I yanked them out by their ankles, frisked them down, confiscated the loot and issued them a restraining order confining them to the laundry room until they matched up all the loose socks.
I haven’t seen them, or my socks, to this day. But I swear I’ll look for them soon.
Quickutz was a contributor to this prize package. And before I go any further, let me make it perfectly clear that Quickutz is not paying me to say nice things about them. I am not a spokesperson for Quickutz. I’m not a paper crafty person, remember? Because if I was, I wouldn’t be writing this post in the first place and instead, I’d be decoupaging Nate with all my paper goodies and making him pretty for work. I’m not a spokesperson for anyone except myself. And speaking on behalf of myself, I’m considering letting myself go because in this economy, I simply can’t afford myself and besides, letting myself go is something I’m really good at and you’re supposed to play to your strengths.
Am I right?
So, to be clear, I do not represent Quickutz. No one is paying me to sing the kudos of Quickutz. No one pays me to sing, period. Be grateful.
Quickutz was a very generous contributor. And, as it turns out, a very understanding one. I called them up and explained my situation and offered to put the phone up to their gift certificate so that they could hear it whimper and whine from my neglect. They declined and then graciously allowed me to swap out my gift certificate for a shopping spree giveaway on my blog.
Is that great customer service or what?
I love shopping sprees!
I mean, I think I love them. I’ve never actually been on one. I think in order for it to qualify as a “spree,” you’re not supposed to cry when you pay and the cashier should be able to swipe your credit card without having to use a crowbar to wrench it out of your death grip first.
I checked out Quickutz.com and these are just a few of the things I found that peaked my interest. I couldn’t show them all because then this post would go on for miles and then my mom would call me up to yell “HOW DO I SCROLL? WHERE DOES THIS MOUSE THING GO? and then my last nerve would pitch a hissy and go on strike.
If she made it this far, it will be a miracle.
.
How cute is this thing? If I had this in my arsenal, I could have made Helena’s birthday invitations a whole heck of a lot prettier than those voice mail messages I left.
This machine cuts stuff. With the help of a computer.
I am just a wealth of technical knowledge, am I not?
This cuts stuff too. Without a computer.
There I go, spouting off my techie speak again. Sorry.
There’s all sorts of cool stuff at Quickutz.com and I better just stop now or I might just scrap this entire giveaway idea and keep it all to myself. Pun intended. Hahahahaha! Get it?
So can I just shut up already and tell you what I’m giving away?
And can I not be so contrary?
As a matter of fact, I can!
.
Up for grabs is a $200 shopping spree at Quickutz.com! The who, what, when, where, and how details to be provided to the winner upon notification.
.
OK … here’s the scoop:
- To enter, leave a comment in this post, telling me my 401K statement is a fake. In other words, lie. Lie like a dog. Woof.
- No entries after 5:00 pm eastern time tomorrow, Tuesday, March 10, because that’s when I’ll be scrambling around my kitchen, assembling dinner and spritzing my face with water to make it look like I slaved all day over it. Nate appreciates that kind of effort.
- I’ll use random.org to select one winner. I love all things random.
- Who else doesn’t shave their legs every day? I feel all alone in this world.
- Please don’t enter more than once. If you don’t see your comment right away, be patient. Otherwise, you risk being called a whackadoodle. On behalf of whackadoodles everywhere, STOP IT. You’re giving us a bad rep.
- I’ll announce the winner on Wednesday!
Good luck!
Off to shave my legs. It is Monday, after all.
.
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You are not alone, I rarely shave these days…the only reason to dread summer! And I am with you on the 401K statements. I don’t even open them anymore! It is all lies. Can I please have a shot at that GC? Thanks. Love your blog!
I didn’t know that you won HOF! That’s awesome. I don’t even remember how I found your blog, actually, but I’m glad I did. Cracks me up. That’s not even a lie.
Congratulations and I totally get the “nuff said” part of winning on the last year they held it. What a debacle!! Figures that would be the year you won!! But still a great honor nonetheless!!
As far as 401(k), I work with these plans everyday and pretty much across the board everyone lost 30-40% of their account. So painful to see. Especially when 30-40% lost is more than the mortgage on my house!! 
Here’s hoping 2009 is a better year!!
Rachel
Does it count if you haven’t shaved your underarms for about 20 years? Or sometimes you shave only part of your legs depending what pants your wearing i.e capri (shave to mid calf) ankle length (don’t bother) shorts, Gawd I haven’t worn them since the last time I shaved my armpits! I love winter…..no shaving. Your digital scrapbook layouts are awesome.
I’m oblivious, you won? Well, congratulations
Happy shaving, I’m waiting for the good weather … or not.
Shaving? What is this thing of which you speak? It’s still snowing up here so I don’t have to worry about that kind of thing, you know skin showing and all that.
Shaving? that would take precious time from scrapping… nope… only in the summer when I am forced by unbearable heat to get into shorts/bathing suit. It’s the ONLY reason I love winter!
Didn’t know you won, great job!
Would LOVE a shot at the GC! Thanks!
Shaving?! How dare you use such vulgar language! I’m apalled!! I would love to win something in my life!!!!!! I did win something over at Paula Constables, so maybe I can here too! Go me!
Your 401k statement is a complete fake. Just like mine. At least I’m sure it would be if I ever saw one, but it’s not necessary when you have millions and millions in there, right? Well, that would definitely be a fake. Oh well! Someday maybe I’ll have some money. Probably not.
Isn’t leg hair technically insulation? I’m not shaving til we hit at least 50 degrees!
Your 401K statement is lying so hard, its pants are on fire!! No losses there.
And shaving? It isn’t summer yet, LOL.
I’m with you on the Quickutz stuff. Love it . . . but I wouldn’t even know what to do with it! Although . . . it would certainly make some awesome crafts for the kids. And I do love doing crafts with the kids.
And why would you even open your 401K? I’m just saying. There’s no point. Because then you would see how your rate of return is through the roof and then when ever you posted you would be overcome with guilt on how well your 401K is doing compared to EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET.
Yes. Only you are making money in a 401K right now. The rest of us are revising our plans so we can continue to work for 10 years after our death. Yes. A work force of corpses. People who have died but must continue to work anyway. That’s what I’m planning at this rate.
Would it be worse that I don’t even have a 401K? That said, I’m sure yours is fake.
Found your blog through two peas…. very funny stuff! Love the digital layouts. Now, a lie….
the stork brings the babies?
the easter bunny and santa have sunday tea?
winter will end soon?
Don’t enter me in the giveaway, because I am a digi scrapper, too.
I always wondered if it would be a letdown to win HOF after going digi, because none of the prizes were geared to digi scrappers at all. Major bummer! A nice Wacom tablet or a copy of PSCS would be awesome, don’t you think?
Nice of the Quickutz folks to let you give away a shopping spree!
You blog cracks me up, you have a gift at calling it like you see it
As far as your 401K is concerned..Don’t hold your breath. It might as well be printed on toilet paper, at least you will have something you can use while you enjoy this financial ride. Ok, on to shaving.. Do people do that anymore?? LOL! I live in the Pacific Northwest, when I plan to shave after a long winter I have to see the county clerk for an old growth removal permit. Thats not even the half of it though, I have to beat the tree huggers off of my shower doors. After all of that, I am just too tired.
The only shaving I do lately is when the doctor asks me how much I weigh.
Thanks for the chance
The only shaving I do lately is when the doctor asks me how much I weigh.
Thanks for the chance
Sorry, forgot to add great post! Can’t wait to see your next post!
You crack me up….maybe one day you’ll find your socks and your kids….funny thing about socks is I hate matching them, so I usually toss them, and just keep buying new ones…lol…
Anyway, that’s great to hear that you won HOF…and equally awesome is that QK is letting you do the giveaway…
I can’t even comment on the 401(k)…because I look at my statements in disbelief all the time…
Hang in there, and have a great day!
LOL.. just to add a few lines that you have a neat & clean plus beautiful design “creative junkie” site.
Sorry for not following the rules
Thank you for the very funny post this morning, I needed it to get my day going!
Shaving, aww man…is it that time again???
Mine. Gimme. I am the queen of the universe and I demand an offering of gift cards.
(Actually, I’d really like to be able to donate it to our church’s kids ministry. Yay!)
This is the first time I’ve read your blog- it is hilarious- your writing is witty and just downright fun. Let’s not talk about 401K’s right now, shall we? And shaving my legs in the winter- really, what is the point? Thanks so much for the chance to win the giveaway.
Beautiful LO’s, gorgeous header, LOL @ shaving your legs!
What a great blog. Into my favorites. Btw I wish someone would tell me my 401K statements are fake. Where did all that money go? Oh well there wasn’t that much in there to begin with. I say we all ignore what the balances are untill 2 years from now. That’s my new stance on it. No more opening mail from Smith-Barney for me until 2011.
So no I don’t shave me legs everyday. Actually only one time in my life. I’m a guy and never minded the hair, lol.
Look foward to keeping up with the blog, and I love Quickutz. Pick me, pick me.
Shaving? – but it is not July yet!
Would love to win, but as I have to lie – I DON’T WANT TO WIN, DON’T PICK ME (remember I am lying here, promise!)
Your 401K is extremely an error only. Y2K virus found its way to their database after 9 years and took some of the numbers away. Cheer up ok, they are working on the anti-virus now.
Though I am 100% digi like you – I have some best gal pals who would love this prize!
Which is truth and which is a lie?
I’ve gained 20 pounds since getting married.
I just shaved my legs for the first time in a month.
I haven’t shaved all winter because I’m growing my winter coat. Maybe in August.
WhooHoo, I LOVE my QuicKutz but would love to try the Silhouette. Thanks for the chance.
You are a stunning woman with an amazing way with words.
As far as shaving my legs, I live in Michigan where it’s 3 degrees half the time. I need all the warmth I can get & since I’m already married I’m not lookin’ to impress anyone, lol.
I would love to win the prizes, so I’d be much obliged if you chanted my name while using the random generator thingie!
I thought that 401K were 201E’s now that the Dow has lost so much money.
Woot! your blog looks fabulous since I last visited. Oh and your 401k is a fake. :p
You’re right; that is really cool of QK for allowing you to pass on your prize!
I enjoyed reading your post. You have a great sense of humour! Thanks for the opportunity to win the shopping spree!
Hilarious! I’m sure your 401K is as fake as mine!
Thanks for the chance to win!
I say you shouldn’t have to shave your legs unless the stubble cuts someone. This is the first time I’ve read your blog and I think you’re hilarious. I’ll be back for more.
1) I think all 401k’s are fake.
2) Shave my legs everyday? Bwahahahahahahaahahah! In Michigan, I only need to shave June – August, and that’s only if we’re lucky enough to get a warm day (or dare to show off my fat legs by wearing shorts)
Love your blog!
Oohh..so if your 401K statement is fake then maybe mine is too? *WHEW* I feel so much better now!
Now for some meditation….ohmmmmmmm…ohmmmmmmmm…Gods of the random number generator…please, PLEASE pick my number!
Hi,
I just stumbled accross your blog from 2peas. You’re fun! I wish I could be a digi scrapper, but I am not organized enough. I can’t even find my pictures… recently looking for that special picture (which I never found) I did come accross an 8 track tape!!! Who even remembers those, and why do I have one? Anyway… I’m off to surgery with my mom, and chemo this week, so no time to play, but I’ll definately bookmark your blog if I can remember to watch it… you definately brightened my day! Thanks so much!!
Jill
401 K fake?!? Duh! Nice giveaway, and I promise, you are not the only one who shaves once a week. It’s winter and I’m wearing pants everyday…LOL
These are NOT lies (ha ha):
The next bailout is to scratch all our 401(k)s and everyone just gets a billion dollars upon retirement! (This solution might be cheaper than the next bank bailout!)
I never enjoy reading your blog. It stinks like your missing socks.
I shave my legs every day. My husband never puts a blanket between us in bed because my legs are so prickly he can’t sleep, no no. This morning in the shower, he didn’t beg me to shave while I shut the water off and said, I’ll do it tomorrow… which didn’t also happen yesterday.
Okay, your 401k is a fake, and a fraud. ANd lol I wanna win that quikcutz thing. SO please enter me.
WHO shaves every day, certainly not me.
Lie about your 401(k), what? Okay, I am confused. Well, your 401(k) absolutely fine, don’t worry about it!
I hope this doesn’t ruin my chances, but I am anal retentive about shaving every day. I cannot sleep with myself if I have porcupine legs. I’m weird that way. Sorry.
As far as your 401K . . . just like mine, it is a figment of your imagination. (Which is, ironically, sad AND true.) Your 401K is as fake as a Time magazine cover of Ben Bernanke wearin’ 501jeans and nothin’ else. Okay, that was a stretch, I realize. I must hone my lying skills, apparently . . .
Hi,
I came over from Humor Bloggers to see what the fuss was about. If I win, I will give the prize back to you making you do it all over again. Your 401k is fake. Am I lying? Well, put me in the random generator and if I come out here we’ll find out.
Leave the 401K alone. It isn’t going anywhere. LOL….
Love your blog and glad I found it today of all days! Woohoo. And your work is beautiful.
Shave my legs EVERY day? That’s insane – maybe every other day though……
And a 401K? What would that be? Totally fake imho!
Your blog is hilarious – and your entries are fantastic.
Great blog & thank you for sharing this awesome chance for a QK shopping spree, so cool!
I have to shave, yes HAVE to, everyday or I’ll go crazy, I can’t stand those little spikes of hair, even when I’m wearing pants I can feel them rubbing, omg I’m going crazy just thinking about it!!!
Oh and why so many lies?!?!?
Totally fake.
I love my quickutz squeeze, but would LOVE a revolution…
I actually am thrilled when winter hits because I don’t have to shave my legs everyday. I may shave once every week. The key is to wear pant pj’s. I made the mistake of wearing capri pants and now I have to shave!!!! As far as the 401K stuff we try not to look either. We have such a long way to go before retiring. (that can be good or bad)
Sweetie, I don’t shave my legs every week! LOL Still excited that you won HOF. I’m starting to get into doing hybrid stuff so some sort of cutting mechanism would be cool to have.
Shaving??? I’m in MI. If I shaved during the winter my legs would get frostbite! Its a no go! LOL Sorry it took so long for you to win but its still exciting! Congrats!
Yes, your 401K is absolutely fake, just like mine. Congrats to your win!
I love your blog!
I definitely do NOT shave my legs on a daily basis. I hate that “chore”!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shaving? 401K? Both things I prefer not to think about…
Winning, tho’…I would love to win! yea!
Can’t speak about your 401K statement (though I think you already know the answer) but have to say that the butterfly layout is freakin’ beautiful!!!
I am new to your blog and am LOVING it. As for shaving….TOTALLY OVERATED! lol!!!!!!!!!!!
Love your LO’s. I am a paper junkie, though I am trying to reform.
QK is great, just got a Revolution for my 50th (Gasp, the horrors……) Bday. So I need more dies…..
Seriously, I only shave in the winter if going to a hotel with a pool, or going to the Dr. (for that dreaded annual palpitation).
Don’t worry about the 401K, the oceans will rise and flood us out long before that!!!
Congrats on the prize, too bad you can’t use this portion of it for yourself but as into hybrid as I am I surely wouldn’t have a hard time finding something. I’ve convinced myself that my real 401k is just fine because what I’ve seen lately must be a joke.
I totally remember how AWESOME it was that a digi girl won that, too bad CK sucks and didn’t manage to round up some digi goodies for you. oh well
I still want the silhouette. Pretty Please! Think how awesome my wedding invites will be!!
Well I am Canadian, so to me your 401K is absolutely useless, totally useless. I love QK, and would dearly love a shopping spree, I want the silohette so much. I had no idea you had won HOF
lol My legs’ve not seen a razor in more days than I care to admit. And 401K’s? Who needs ‘em anyways *sniff*
I hardly ever shave my legs in the winter. And your 401K statement is counterfeit.
would love to try QK, on a tight budget these days!! love your site!!
I haven’t shaved my legs either. In a while.
And the statement?? Totally wrong! Didn’t you know they typoed and dropped a couple of zeroes off the end of your account balance?
Now then, smile.
WOOF.
Just found your blog. Precisely the sort of laughs I needed today. 6″ of snow last night and it’s 7 degrees. Brrrr… Four kids cooped up inside with a cranky mama. I needed a laugh!
Ooooooooooo . . . fun! I’m so thankful you won, and that everything you won was of no value to you at all! heh heh heh
Yeah- now here is a lie- If I win this I will finally finish my son’s 1-2 year scrapbook (he’s 4 now).
so sad that you as a digi scrapper didn’t get the benefit of the prizes. That would really suck.
I shaved on Saturday as I hit the pool.
I don’t even look at my 401K. Don’t bother!! I know all about the HOF nightmare, but I get the impression from your post that they aren’t doing it anymore?! Is that correct? I never realized…I am a bit out of it. I think I shave my legs about as often as the average male does. But it’s soft. And blonde. Sure.
my lie? I’m really a guy.. I dress up in drag every day. There you have it. Crossing my fingers.. as I smoke another cigarette. bonnierose
Twitter: Happymaker
March 9, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Holy Crap what a fabulous contest!!!! I’ve been wanting one of those machines very badly because I had big plans to try to use it to make fabric appliques. But we’ll see about that.
Your 401k statement is conterfeit. I’ve been sending it to you for years now just to keep a sistah down. Your real 401k has been steadily increasing in value at a healhty 10% per annum.
You won that contest? Woman, womanwomanwoman – one day you will rule the world.
The 401k is a big fat fake!
I rarely shave my legs… In fact, its been like a month! I have blonde hairs that take forever to grow in, woot!
Your contest pretty much rocks my socks off!
Don’t enter me in the giveaway. I just want to hear the story of you winning the HOF! Sounds like a great story.
Gosh my 401k is like a 4.01k anymore…What’s left?
Wow what a wonderful giveaway as a biscrapsual scrapper myself this makes me drool.
Honey the 401k statement is so fake. Can’t you tell by the ink and lack of watermark? trust me you are just fine – sit back and don’t even think about for 10 years and you will be just fine.
As for leg shaving – um lets just say I gotta forrest going on those puppies!
Wow, what an awesome giveaway! Thanks for the chance of winning this generous prize. As for the leg-shaving, I do it on a somewhat regular basis year-round… my yoga capris aren’t long enough to hide my unsightly stubble at the gym.
The 401 is a lie.
What’s a 401?
Please enter me in the draw? ‘Cuz I like cutting paper, and a QK spree would be oh so fun!
Well, being that when I got my 401K statement, I cried…literally cried. I don’t work anymore (except working my ass off taking care of my kids everyday) so I’ve been watching my 401k just dwindle away. Since I decided there had to be some error…a mix-up with some other Helene out there in the world, I think yours is probably an error too!!!
I swear…the government is messing with 401k statements to get people to save money. Don’t worry, you have more than it says.
And seriously, my legs are so hairy, if you threw me at something fuzzy, I’d stick. Like velcro.
Well, in reality you don’t really have a 401k it’s all fake. About shaving, only when I go to the doc or summer on capri days! LOL
heck I went to catholic school so in high school I only shaved my knees 9 times out of 10 until track season! the skirt and the knee socks hid the rest
I want to mention that I loveeeeeee your digi layouts, so very creative
Hmm, shaving, nottttttttt until the summer on a regular basis. I only shave in the Winter when I have an appointment where someone is touching my legs lol. Ok, call me a disty blonde but I have no idea what 401k statements are lol, so I just lie by saying that 
Women shave every day? Seriously? I do the pits about once a week, twice a week in summer. And the legs, well, not at all when the temp drops below 50 and I stop wearing shorts/skirts. Legs maybe weekly in summer, more often if I have to appear in bathing suit.
The 401K statements just forgot to include all the 2008 contributions. When they get that bug figured out, your money will reappear.
I’m a hybrid scrapper, so I’m sorry you won’t get use out of QuicKutz, but I would!
Love all your pages, especially your NF page. I’ve never seen this year’s HOF “isssue,” so I haven’t seen it. I’ve added you to Google Reader
Ok, your 401K is a fake, a total lie!! Does that make you feel better?
Oh and your so talented I can’t even stand it, and that is so not a lie!! Your awesome! Love your work, love your blog!
Shaving? What that? LOL! It’s 5 p.m. and I still have my pajamas on!
In my defense I have a 2 y.o. and a 3 month old, work from home, and it’s snowing outside.
hopefully we can all wake up soon from this 401k downward spiral nightmare, it is certainly a lie!!!
love your blog, 
, love your los, you are an awesome scrapper and thanks for letting us all in on this great opportunity of winning that fun prize!
patti
hopefully we can all wake up soon from this 401k downward spiral nightmare, it is certainly a lie!!!
love your blog, love your los, you are an awesome scrapper and thanks for letting us all in on this great opportunity of winning such a fun prize! 
patti
fortunately for me i’m in florida right now, so i have to shave my legs, grrr!!! your 401k is a complete forgery, don’t believe it!!!
love your blog, you are hilarious and your los are awesome!!! thanks for giving us this opportunity!
My husband frequently reminds me that prepubescent boys have less leg hair than I do. But it’s now to the point where it’s soft & no longer stubbly, so I have no real incentive to shave. I insist it’s a buffer from his jagged toe nails!
I can’t sympathize on the 401K, by my IRA is taking a nosedive as well. I don’t get how it loses more than I put in every month.
401k??? What 401k??? If I looked at mine it would now be a 80.2k, I do believe. I won’t look at it any more, just toss it to my husband when it comes. HOWEVER, I’m sure yours has gained in value. yeah, right.
I love your digital layouts they are beautiful, I would like to learn how.
I’m Canadian, so our equivanlent to your 401k is worth even less. That should make you feel better!!!
I don’t know what a 401K – Must be because I am Canadian… that being said… I’m sure it’s a fake, what is real these days?
Love your writing – so witty – I heard about your blog through a Canadian scrapbooking forum, and I have to say will be stopping by to read some great writing.
Thanks for putting up and awesome give-away.
401k? Lies, lies! All lies! Oh were that true! Hang in there though — it WILL get better! So glad I found your blog — you have a very fun writing style. And congrats on your CK HOF win. If only they’d been on the ball enough to award the digital winners digital loot.
OMG, I haven’t laughed this much in a long time. Have you ever thought about being a full time writer? I really enjoyed reading this and I have loved looking through your blog. You are a kind and generous person and boy do I know what you mean about tough times economy wise. And did you say shaving…LOL…it is getting warmer here now I suppose I should head off to shave too…LMBO. Thank you for making me laugh and thank you for allowing me to have a chance to win such an awesome prize.
Wait….shaving. Shaving. That rings a vaguely familiar bell. Oh wait! I know! That’s what I used to do when I was single, and wearing skirts right? I think.
Seems to me too that you have a high proportion of Canucks visiting your blog. Add me to the list, but I married an American. Does that count? So at least I know that a 401k has nothing to do with RAM or processor power on a computer. But it can buy you some, can’t it?
I can not resist crafty tools. *wipes drool from keyboard* Pretty! Shiny! Sharp! Yay!
you don’t shave everyday? omg!haha! jk! i don’t know anyone besides me that does! and your 401K statement really is fake.
What 401k? I haven’t seen no stinkin’ 401k statement. There is no such thing. Your money is all safe and tucked away under the mattress! Bark! Bark! Wag-wag. Woof!
Before we discuss your 401K, we could all do with a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit.
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