I thought I’d introduce you to some of the hills we met in San Francisco.
I called this one Mt. Holy Shit because (1) holy shit, look at it; (2) it’s even steeper when you walk it. Steeper? Steepier? More steepy? And (3) it led right to the front doors of Grace Cathedral:
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I thought it was very considerate of San Francisco to place Grace Cathedral at the top of Mt. Holy Shit because, after you get tired of hobbling up the hill on thighs and calves and ankles that are allergic to 45° angles and you sprout a blood clot that zooms from your little toe straight into your heart within 2.4 seconds and you die on top of Nob Hill of a massive coronary, it’s only a hop, skip and jump across the road to your soul’s eternal rest. Somebody grabs a casket on sale, somebody else rounds up a couple of pall bearers and finds out who’s giving the sermon that day and *whammo* – instant funeral!
Can’t get any easier than that, right?
You’re pretty darn efficient, San Franny.
We wanted to take in the breathtaking views of San Francisco from atop Coit Tower and Nate decided that we would walk up to the tower because apparently, he never wanted to have intercourse with his wife again.
Walking up to Coit Tower is like walking all the way up to the planet Mars, only longer and sweatier, while wearing a two ton backpack known as Your Ass.
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On our way, we had to climb this hill. I named it ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?
I may have cried at the top. Or the bottom. I can’t remember.
It’s all a blur, really.
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After that one, we had to climb this one. I called it BLOOD IS GUSHING AROUND INSIDE MY SKULL SO SHUT UP.
I definitely cried at the bottom of this one.
And the top.
And once in the middle.
Wait!
Twice.
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To keep tourists on their toes and guessing, there were steps! I stopped counting at 6,355 because I was delusional by then and tried calling Sarah Palin to tell her that I, too, could I see Russia from where I was standing and could I get her hairdresser’s name? But Zoe grabbed the phone out of my hand before I could ask Directory Assistance for her number.
This set of steps above was called HEART ATTACKS ARE FOR SISSIES, JUST HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A TOYOTA.
I totally cried everywhere on these. The foliage is green because of my tears.
Isn’t that poetic?
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Then came this set, which I named WE ARE SO TOTALLY NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN. EVER.
I didn’t bother crying on these. Instead, when I got to the top, I planted a flag that said ANDY WAS HERE. THEN SHE KEELED OVER AND DIED.
And then I keeled over and died.
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This is Coit Tower, in case you were wondering.
There was a spiral staircase inside that we had to climb to get to the top. I would have taken a picture of it but I was clinically dead at the time.
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And this is one of the breathtaking views from atop Coit Tower. At least, I think it is. I was busy never having sex again and being clinically dead, so I can’t be certain.
Let’s say it is for expedience sake, otherwise this post will never end.
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Finally, a hill we met while in a car. That’s, like, my favorite kind of hill!
This one was called Lombard Street and it’s the crookedest street in the world.
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I have lots of photos of Lombard Street but I thought you’d rather see the one from Wikipedia because it actually shows Lombard Street and not my elbow or the pavement or lots of blurry things. Unlike mine, you can look at Wikipedia’s photo and not get the sense that behind the camera is someone shouting GO SLOWER, I CAN’T FOCUS! WAIT! HANG ON! CAN WE STOP? DAMMIT! UGH!
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However, at the bottom of Lombard Street, I stuck my camera out the window and, without looking, pressed the shutter and managed to get this shot.
How come nobody told me the secret to taking a good picture is to be totally blind?
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When I first visited San Francisco, I thought this was a big hill.
I was such a newbie back then.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
*giggles* I so know what you’re feeling! Even being from Switzerland did NOT prepare me for the hills. DH (then DB) took an evil delight in hearing me scream as we crested a hill (since he was from SF, he knew all the surprise ones). I do believe we lost his mother’s rear license plate at the bottom of one of them. I’m surprised we didn’t break her poor Pontiac station wagon in half, since it was one of those 12-foot long ones. I gotta say I’ve never been to the top of Coit Tower (though I have walked up Astoria Tower in Oregon). I salute you, o escalera moribunda. Who’s your ghostwriter, btw?
I’m from dst. Nice blog and pictures of San Francisco and New York.
If that were me at the bottom of those steps, and my kid and my husband standing midway up, and MY husband had made a gesture and face like that, I would’ve been motivated to get up to the top asap just so I could slap him. Or shake him. Or punch him. Those steps plus that expression would’ve definitely incited me to violence.
Of course, I’d never have gotten the chance to inflict any violence upon my beloved, because the reverberations from my thighs, chins and belly would’ve caused a tremor and you know how San Franciscoans are about earthquakes. I’m sure we would’ve had to evacuate for cover or go stand in a doorway or whatever it is you’re supposed to do when you’re in an earthquake-prone location and feel the earth move under your feet or feel the sky tumbling down, a-tumblin’ down………..
By the way, Bill Cosby has a routine about driving in San Francisco and there’s an entire section of it devoted to Lombard Street. I remember it as being pretty dang funny. Of course this is from back when Cosby was a comedian and not The Dad We All Wish We Had on TV or a pudding pops spokesperson or educator who rails against racial ills……………………….
Oh and PS – HI, West Coast Heather! *waves*
Coit Tower: the name combined with the appearance kind’a brings some naughty chuckles to mind.
Glad you survived SF’s best attempt to crush you via hill trekking. You have conquered, you have defeated, you have kicked butt. And your hip replacement will probably go very well…;o)
Love the pics!
Blessings!
I love San Francisco but it is not for the weak in the knees, which sadly I am! At least there is great food to sustain yourself for those hills.
LOL enjoyed all your photos and reading your comments! Hope you’re feeling better and that San Francisco hills haven’t stopped your sexlife…
Wow. Great pictures.
Yeah, I’m the moron who can claim that she walked UP crooked Lombard street. I’m still waiting for my medal or at least my public recognition. I suppose I have to just settle for the memory of how an old man laughed at me as I gasped for oxygen and how badly my thighs and calves were screaming.
ROLLING! You are too funny. I can’t handle the Golden Gate Bridge, never mind all those hills! We went last summer and are going again this summer (oh joy! LOL) We’ll do more site-seeing in the city this time (what??). The city was in a total fog bank and it was so freakin cold so not the most pleasant experience. Still a very amazing city! Great pics and awesome post!
How fun! I’m totally jealous. I used to live in San Francisco after college and loved it. At first it was scary as heck. I was afraid I would get mugged at every turn. But eventually I toughened up. Except for the pelthora of homeless people it really seemed quite safe to me. I’m so glad you had fun! The hills there and all the walking you have to do because you will have to park your car three miles from your apartment are good for the badonk-a-donk.
HYSTERICAL!! I’m still laughing at the “I’m never having sex with my husband”. LOLOL Did he know that FIRST? LOLOL
With that line, hubby woulda carried you up.
Great pics btw. I’ve never been… so I now consider myself forewarned.
This is hysterical!!!! LOL I never laughed so hard. I have never been to San Francisco and this was a great way to see it!!!! LOL!!! LOL!!!
Beautiful pictures..come stop by my blog..my kiddo learned a new phrase..which isn’t pretty hear out of the little mouth..
Those San Franny’s have the best calves, on their legs not their cattle, jeesh get the blood back into your head.
Stopping by from SITS. Amazing Pix!
You’d better quit bitchin about your thighs now cuz from what I see with all these hills yours probably don’t rub together and smoke anymore!
ROFL!!! I love San Francisco. Great pics.
I have done that Coit Hill walk many many times. And it is JUST LIKE you describe it EVERY SINGLE TIME! But that was back when I was all about exercise and health. Now I’m all about seeing how sedentary I can be, so there is no way in the world I would walk it. I’d just grab a post card of the view and call it good.
Thank you, for destroying my dream of San Francisco. Now, I never want to go. Well, not unless I get a lobotomy and suddenly want to work out all the time and lose 100 lbs. Seriously, thanks. I can divert the savings account away from vacation saving and just use it to pay bills. Now I’ve seen San Francisco, I don’t need to buy plane tickets. Next, I think you need to go to Sante Fe, and tell me how much it sucks…
The stairs and the picture of the hill before them remind me of college. My dorm was at the bottom of a hill like that. We called it Cardiac Hill, and you had to walk up it if you wanted to go to class. Probably why I missed a lot of classes.
I think you definitely have a good theory on the hill to the cathedral. My family was in San Fran last summer…good thing we’re all from Kansas and thus wusses on hills…we drove most of the time!
Ive never been but I am loving your pics….u must have some serious calves!
Stopping by from SITS to say hi & invite u to our Jewelry Giveaway. We are a small charity made up of many men/women/kids who send cards to those battling cancer.
Get in on our Giveaway and maybe even join our program:)We have many ways people can be involved… it’s such a fun project & helps others at the same time…can’t get better than that.
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Thanks!!
Wow, you are super brave to do all that walking! I’m scared to drive in SF….just afraid I’ll go down a one-way street the wrong way or that my brakes will suddenly go out while coasting down a huge hill (where the street ends in the water). I do love Lombard Street….I’m so glad you went down it (in a car).
And it’s okay to never have intercourse with your husband ever again after walking up and down all those hills and stairs. You’ve burnt so many calories on that trip….you probably burnt more calories with all that walking than one 10-minute act of lovemaking would burn so why bother with the sex, kwim?
Wow! Great pictures. I think I would pass on all the hills. I love the pic of Grace Cathedral!
I knew there were hills in San Francisco, but I didn’t know there were that steep, G. Was it cool there? Seems like it’s always a little cool there on TV.
I’ve decided this is my favorite post EVER. In fact, I liked it so much, I had to give it its own little shout out on my blog. It’s just too funny!
The San Franny tourist association isn’t going to like you, because I am now officially never going to visit that town. I’m not into exercise much. I only run if I’m on fire.
Your posts no longer show up in my Bloglines reader and I’ve missed you! I came over from Adrian’s shout-out.