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On our way to Target last week:
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Zoe (15 year old, passenger seat): Oh, you’re never going to believe what happened to L and me the other day.
Me (none of your business, driving): What?
Helena (9 years old, back seat): Talk louder! I can’t hear you!
Zoe: So L and I are in Target the other day and we’re in this aisle and this really old couple was in back of us. They were probably eighty or something. And they start arguing about something and they kept fighting really loud for a couple of minutes …
Helena: You and L were fighting?
Zoe: HELENA! Am I talking to you?
Helena: Apparently not. SORRRR-EEEE.
Me: Stop it, both of you. Go on, Zoe.
Zoe: So, they’re arguing about what kind to get …
Me: What kind of what?
Zoe (annoyed): If everyone would just stop interrupting me! I’m getting to it!
Helena: Mom, can I get gum there?
Zoe: Can you NOT interrupt me? Can you BE any ruder?
Me: No, no gum.
Helena: What? Did you say yes?
Me: I SAID NO GUM. YOU HAVE ENOUGH GUM.
Helena: I chewed it all up yesterday! And I am not being rude. You are. Zoe, I meant. Not you, Mom. You’re just being mean.
Zoe: So, L and I turn around and then we see what they were arguing about and oh my God! We died, Mom! We just died!
Me: What were they getting?
Helena: WHO DIED?
Zoe (yelling in back of her): HE-LE-NA! BE QUIET!
Me (yelling at Zoe): Stop yelling at your sister!
Helena (vindicated): YEAH!
Me: So, what was it? Hemorrhoid cream? Monistat gel? Fungal cream?
Zoe (pausing): Ummmmm ….
Me: Wart medicine? Enema bags? Jock itch stuff? Jockstraps?
Helena: Did you just say jockstrap? What’s a jockstrap?
Zoe: It’s like special underwear for boys.
Helena: Ewwwww. Did you have to tell me that?
Me (starting to screech from paranoia): Thongs? Laxatives? What?!?
Zoe: Ummmm ….
Me (eyes bulging out of my head): OH MY GOD, IS TARGET SELLING PORN?
Helena: Corn? Target sells corn? Can we get some?
Zoe and I (in unison): HELENA! BE QUIET!
Helena: What’s wrong with corn?
Me: Zoe, tell me right now or I swear to God, I’m stopping this car right …
Zoe: (whispering) . . . you know whats.
Me: I know whats? What the hell are whats?
Zoe (gritting teeth): You know! You know whats! For down there?
Me (clueless): Tampons?
Zoe (shouting): UGH, STOP MOM! Fine.
Zoe (looking behind her and whispering): Condoms.
Me (dubious): Condoms?
Zoe (outraged): Don’t say it out loud!
Helena (curious): What’s a condom?
Zoe (eyes rolling): Oh my God.
Me (smiling): Awww! That’s kind of cute!
Zoe (grossed out): How in the world is that cute?
Helena (insistent): Hello? Back here! What’s a condom?
Me: (lowering my voice, peeking back at Helena): Because it’s nice to know that they still … you know … get happy
Zoe (appalled): Mom! Did you hear me? They were old! Like, old! Older than Grandma and Papa old! Like, wrinkled and stuff!
Helena (frustrated): WHAT’S A CONDOM?
Zoe and I (in unison): NEVERMIND
Me (annoyed): Oh, I get it. So, older people shouldn’t … you know … ?
Zoe (mortified): Uh, nooooooooo! Hello? That’s is just … UGH.
Helena (resentful)): FINE! NEVERMIND! I’ll just be back here, ignoring you. SO THERE.
Me (remorseful): I’m sorry Peanut. Just give me a minute.
Me (laughing): And what’s so awful about it, Zoe? What’s wrong with it? Older people aren’t allowed to … get happy?
Zoe (disgusted): Oh, geez, Mom! C’mon! It’s gross! I mean, ewwwww.
Me (amused): So, once we have kids and what, turn forty? Fifty? That’s it? We’re cut off? No more … getting happy?
Helena (mouth hanging open): Umm, HELLO? I know what you’re talking about! This is not appropriate conversation! I’m telling Daddy! Oh my gosh.
Me: What are we talking about?
Helena: I’m not saying it out loud. Oh my gosh.
Zoe: Oh, please, Mom. C’mon, it’s not like you … I mean … you and Nate … you guys don’t … oh my God … (staring at me)
*silence*
Zoe: OH MY GOD.
*silence*
Zoe (cringing): You guys get … happ … OH MY GOD.
Me (defensive): Oh, give me a break, Zoe. It’s not like we’re killing baby seals.
Helena: I’M TELLING DADDY. OH MY GOSH.
Zoe (horrified): You mean you and … OH MY GOD … THAT IS JUST DISGUSTING! (eyes rolling in back of her head) I’m going to be sick.
Me (exasperated): We’re not dead, you know! Just because …
Zoe: NOT LISTENING, NOT LISTENING … STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING … NANANANANANANANANANA
Helena: WAIT. What exactly are we talking about?
Me (resigned): JUST FORGET IT! QUIT TALKING! EVERYONE!
Zoe (stunned, wishing Target never sold condoms): Fine.
Me (exhausted, wishing Target had just sold porn): Fine.
Helena (confused, wishing Target had just sold corn): So, can I get gum?
.
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HOLY CRAP this was funnny! HAHHAH just love it!
Twitter: heather_t_
September 4, 2009 at 2:31 am
*still giggling* Monstrously hilarious!! You need to buy some smiley face towels and scatter them about the house…
I remember that moment of awakening when I was a kid. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the thought of my parents … doing… you-know-what!!! I had to go on holidays with them when I was 19 and I spent the whole holidays being disgusted about it. And now I’M the parent and my eldest daughter is 18! I love pushing the boundaries and having these “disgusting” conversations with my girls!!
lmao….my eldest was shocked too. teens they think they invented HAPPY. snort.
I LOVE that it only that moment occured to Zoe that you and Nate…get happy.
I can’t help but wonder if my kids have ever thought of that, but I am NOT asking them!
Twitter: Kool_Aid16
September 4, 2009 at 6:56 am
Oh, MAN that is too funny! Thanks for sharing
Get happy,such a quaint expression, so much nicer than bonking. Thanks for making me laugh…again.
Unrelated but I made jewelry holder similar to yours. It’s on my blog and I give you full credit of course.
That is so funny! You tell a good story. I never had to guess if my parents were happy. My bedroom was above their’s. AHHHHHH
Twitter: MissusSmith
September 4, 2009 at 8:33 am
I guess I fall firmly into the “too old to get happy” category then, as when I read the words “get happy” the first thing that popped into my mind wasn’t Bobby McFerrin, but this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOiKa51ll-k
Then again, Don’t Worry, Be Happy came out while I was in high school, so I suppose that means I’m too old since that was 20ish years ago anyhow……………….
I laugh at your pain now, knowing full well I’m headed into that same conversational realm in just a few more years (if I’m lucky – Kiddo was discussing the whole concept of pregnancy over dinner last night. Hubby helpfully remembered someplace else he had to be and abandoned me to field the grown-up end of things. Fun!).
That is so funny! You tell cut a good story
LMAO! That was too funny! You always tell good stories!!!! I couldn’t imagine what I would say if my daughter told me that story.
ROFL! I’m so glad you blog, you are hilarious!
That’s hilarious!!!
Fantastic, thanks for the giggle. My son (12) asked what I was laughing about so I read it, out loud, to him. You should have seen his facial expression … priceless!
That is so funny!!
Oh WOW. That is hilarious!!
I had to wait to stop laughing so hard to comment! It was this line that sent me over the edge – “Oh, give me a break, Zoe. It’s not like we’re killing baby seals” because I can so hear myself saying it someday. My kids aren’t even sure what sex is yet but I know my day is coming.
Wait….after reading it again I have to wonder, how OLD were these ppl really? I mean, if they were older than Grandma and Grandpa why would they even need to worry about birth control? *snork*
Bwwahahahahahahahaha….oh, I’m sure this conversation will be coming soon. And that was my thought too – if they were so old, why were they worrying about birth control in the first place? Too funny, Andy!
Bwa-ha-ha!
ROFLMAO!!!!! That is hilarious!!!
Isn’t it fun having teenagers!?! Here’s my recent “sex” encounter with my teenager.
http://justmejuliejulie.blogspot.com/2009/08/caught.html
Ok that’s nothing nasty so don’t be afraid to click lol
OMG!! This is funny.
How do they think they came to be? The stork brought them or God reached down and placed them in your belly then yanked them out with his hand?
I am so dreading the teen years and the birds/bees thing..
Oh that was the best read I have had in a long time!!!
Thanks so much for sharing. I have to go stitch my sides together….
TT
M
Thanks for the great laught….that was hillarious.
BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! That is priceless!!!! Poor Zoe! I’m with her!! LOL!! I remember when my dad married Joan, keep in mind I was in my 20′s then, anyway the thought occurred to me after they told me about the wedding and honeymoon…**excuse me but I just vomited a little in my mouth from thinking back about it** again!! SHUDDER!!
Course it’s different with hubby and me
I’m always flipping out worried about noise of ANY kind when we’re doing the deed! LOL
oh and btw…does Target sell corn??
HA HA HA! Thanks for the laugh…that was hilarious! You tell a great story.
That is hysterical in so many ways. Just knowing that the couple had the nerve to discuss their condom needs in public and that your daughter told you about it had me laughing.
That’s way too funny!!!
That is soooo funny! Thanks for the laugh!
Too funny!!!!!!!!!!! Love your blog. my gf sent me a link twice in the past week and I’m going to put it in my Favourites, it’s a must-read every day from here on.
Ok..so I had to cross my legs so as not to pee in my pants this was so funny! I’m glad I discovered you today. I’ll be back!
Okay, this one has me weeping with laughter so I’m totally counting this as my ab workout for the day, hope that’s ok with you.
hahaahahah. oh man. that was hilarious. also. super target sells frozen corn.
*lol* That’s funny!
Twitter: kallayanna
December 28, 2009 at 11:55 pm
haha! this sounds like a conversation my mom, sister and i would have had. although she was a single mom, so it would have been exponentially gross back then. now i’m like, ya know… “*high five* mom! way to go!”
Too too funny!
That is hilarious! Isnt it funny how kids think its gross that we would “do it” even as we get “OLD”?!
Wow, that sounds just like my 15year old. Mom, ew. Gross.
hilarious! found you thru sits and love reading your blog!!
This is freaking hilarious!! Thanks for the laughs!
What a great conversation!
LOL!
Every generation is the same: ‘old’ people don’t do it. Old? Could be 40 or 50! but they are ‘old’ for a 15 yrs old
Kids are great!
OH, MY GOSH! heehee…that was just sooo funny! What a great post! Happy SITS day and congrats on being featured!
LMAO!!! I’m so glad I don’t have to have conversations like this…. yet!
That is Hilarious!
LOL. You’re a great storyteller…
Wait til she’s post-kids and direct her back to this post!
You… WHAT?? Oh my god, that’s disgusting!!! LOL. Thanks for the laugh, that is a crack up
Oh my gosh, pure entertainment. That was awesome.
Are you really still getting happy??
Thanks for the laugh!
Happy SITS Day!!
Oh my gosh! This is HILARIOUS!!! Hahahaha! Love it!
And why on earth do 80 year olds need condoms anyways? I mean, are they really sleeping around and need to worry about diseases?
Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! Love it! Thank you for the laugh, I needed it!
That was so funny, thanks for sharing.
Jennifer
So.Stinkin.Funny.
Love it!! Thank you!!!!
Funny stuff! I say good for that old couple!
That was such a wildly hysterical conversation. I’m so glad you recorded it. Just so funny.
Too funny!
This was hilarious!! I remember thinking the same thing about my parents at one point…too funny!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in conversations like that!
Hilarious! You are too funny! Love it!
OMG…too funny!
This sounds EXACTLY like a conversation my 15 year old self had with my mom. EXACTLY. I mean. I think you just pulled a memory out of my brain and wrote it in your blog. Only I have a little brother.
Twitter: meanderingD
December 29, 2009 at 8:45 am
OH MY GOD… its not like we’re killing seals… I seriously almost fell off my chair at work and that totally not appropriate… or good for my hips!
Happy SITS day! I will be following!:)
Danielle
Honestly…I laughed so hard that I damn near pee’d myself!!! This is a GREAT post! Makes me wish the babe would stay 6 months old for.e.v.e.r!! LOL!
~WM
That kind of conversation sounds so familiar. I have 2 daughters (13 & 19). Just wait until your 9y/o turns 13 & this conversation comes up. It still grosses out my 13y/o (and I hope it does for quite along time).
Hilarious!!! Great story-telling! I can totally imagine it! Stopping by from SITS
For some reason, that “Get Happy” song by Judy Garland started singing about in my head… OMG, now I feel about as old as that couple. And not as happy ;(.
This was absoloutely hilarious. BTW, my 9 year old tells me you lose more brain cells the more you chew gum. I think he came up with that to make him feel better about not chewing anymore now that he has braces!
Great post!
When my hubby and I are tired of kids in the house we go into our room, shut the door, then one of us starts jumping on the bed, that clears the house REAL QUICK. We have about an hour and a half of peace and quiet.
Me *gasping for air* – sounds like inside my mini van but I’ve got two more piping in. Still laughing. But harder. And now tears are streaming down my face.
Hahahahahaha! That is classic!
This was the best laugh I’ve had all week!!!
Reminds me of when I was away at a Christian convention as a teenager and at one of the sessions the speaker said “you know, while you are all away, your parents are probably doing it on the kitchen table right now!” You can bet that none of us wanted to eat at the table ever again. Oh, and it did nothing to suppress the hormones of the attendees LOL.
Target sells corn? I had no idea. Stupid cold sores! Happy day and I love your blog!
That story is a SCREAM! I wish my friends were here with me to read it. It’s the kind of thing that would send us all into a roar! Do you do stand-up? Outrageous, SITSta!
LOL! This post was great
I love Helena’s interpretation of everything.
OH this is hilarious! I hope I have some time left before I start having these type conversations with my kiddos. I have a feeling it’s much funnier to read about someone else going through it!
Visiting from SITS and AI SO loved that story! lol
Enjoy your day in the spotlight!
OMG! You are too funny. I’ve had very similar conversations with my daughters (who are 17 and 14).
Oh man, now I see where the whole “cutting babies out of bellies or birthing them out of butts” story is going to go when my kids are teenagers. You’re on my blogroll now…no no! Don’t object! It’s my decision.
I am hopping over from SITS btw, I forget to say that HAPPY SITS DAY stuff…so there I said it. word.
This post is hysterical and I love your blog!! I’m so glad you had a SITS day so I could find you…and thanks for making me laugh so much I almost fell out of my chair
I knew it! Yep! I’m dying…laughing! That is absolutely the best thing I’ve read all morning. OF course I just got up and dressed but I’ve got yet more to read from you! LOL
sweetjeanette.blogspot.com
Hahaha! That is too funny. Poor Helena is so confused!
Happy SITS day!
If my memory serves me correctly, I think Wal-Mart sells their corn a tad bit cheaper than Target. Your kids are so funny!
My best, Lynn
Happy SITS day!
OMG. That was so freaking funny! Ha!
Oh happy day to you, sitsta!
LMAO…. That was HILARIOUS! Thanks for bringing me giggles so early in the morning! PS: Visiting via SITS
I like how Zoe thought porn was corn. I never wanted to think of my parents getting happy but now I am thinking about how my kids may take this info someday. YIKES!
So glad SITS sent me your way!! What a great way to start the day, laughing.
I remember being a teenager and my mom giving me money to get out of the house so that she and dad could get happy. I remember that I was grossed out then, and even as I am an adult and typing this sentence, I am grossed out now.
Happy SITS.
Twitter: kearsie
December 29, 2009 at 12:24 pm
HAHAAHAHAH oh man.
Also, I forgot that my 8 year old daughter is at work with me today, looking over my shoulder reading this post until she says “What’s a condom?”
Here’s to all the corn in Target!
TOOO funny!
Happy SITS day!
That is priceless!
Love it..
Too funny! I have two kids in college and they are both convinced their father and I have gotten happy only twice. Seriously!!!!!
Great story! I love it.
Stopping by from SITS! This was a hilarious post!
Hey from SITS.
Too cute. I don’t have kids but I’ve worked at a middle school. I have many conversations like this!
-Victoria
Oh my goodness, you are now like my favorite writer. At least for the next 10 minutes while I click through to read everything else you’ve posted. I mean it though, I’m totally sending this post to all of my family to read, and I don’t often tell them to read blog posts that I didn’t write.
Have an Extraordinary Day!
OMG that was so funny! I wonder what my son will say when he gets her age hahahaha
HA HA HA! I bet that couple was my grandparents. If you go over in the middle of the day and the door is locked – DO NOT KNOCK. Turn around, get in your car and drive away. FAST!
Although I do have to wonder… why was an OLLLLL-DDDDD couple buying condoms? Are they really worried about getting pregnant…. well I suppose if they are really frisky they could be worried about STDs…. hmmmm. Gotta love old codger sex.
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