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On our way to Target last week:
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Zoe (15 year old, passenger seat): Oh, you’re never going to believe what happened to L and me the other day.
Me (none of your business, driving): What?
Helena (9 years old, back seat): Talk louder! I can’t hear you!
Zoe: So L and I are in Target the other day and we’re in this aisle and this really old couple was in back of us. They were probably eighty or something. And they start arguing about something and they kept fighting really loud for a couple of minutes …
Helena: You and L were fighting?
Zoe: HELENA! Am I talking to you?
Helena: Apparently not. SORRRR-EEEE.
Me: Stop it, both of you. Go on, Zoe.
Zoe: So, they’re arguing about what kind to get …
Me: What kind of what?
Zoe (annoyed): If everyone would just stop interrupting me! I’m getting to it!
Helena: Mom, can I get gum there?
Zoe: Can you NOT interrupt me? Can you BE any ruder?
Me: No, no gum.
Helena: What? Did you say yes?
Me: I SAID NO GUM. YOU HAVE ENOUGH GUM.
Helena: I chewed it all up yesterday! And I am not being rude. You are. Zoe, I meant. Not you, Mom. You’re just being mean.
Zoe: So, L and I turn around and then we see what they were arguing about and oh my God! We died, Mom! We just died!
Me: What were they getting?
Helena: WHO DIED?
Zoe (yelling in back of her): HE-LE-NA! BE QUIET!
Me (yelling at Zoe): Stop yelling at your sister!
Helena (vindicated): YEAH!
Me: So, what was it? Hemorrhoid cream? Monistat gel? Fungal cream?
Zoe (pausing): Ummmmm ….
Me: Wart medicine? Enema bags? Jock itch stuff? Jockstraps?
Helena: Did you just say jockstrap? What’s a jockstrap?
Zoe: It’s like special underwear for boys.
Helena: Ewwwww. Did you have to tell me that?
Me (starting to screech from paranoia): Thongs? Laxatives? What?!?
Zoe: Ummmm ….
Me (eyes bulging out of my head): OH MY GOD, IS TARGET SELLING PORN?
Helena: Corn? Target sells corn? Can we get some?
Zoe and I (in unison): HELENA! BE QUIET!
Helena: What’s wrong with corn?
Me: Zoe, tell me right now or I swear to God, I’m stopping this car right …
Zoe: (whispering) . . . you know whats.
Me: I know whats? What the hell are whats?
Zoe (gritting teeth): You know! You know whats! For down there?
Me (clueless): Tampons?
Zoe (shouting): UGH, STOP MOM! Fine.
Zoe (looking behind her and whispering): Condoms.
Me (dubious): Condoms?
Zoe (outraged): Don’t say it out loud!
Helena (curious): What’s a condom?
Zoe (eyes rolling): Oh my God.
Me (smiling): Awww! That’s kind of cute!
Zoe (grossed out): How in the world is that cute?
Helena (insistent): Hello? Back here! What’s a condom?
Me: (lowering my voice, peeking back at Helena): Because it’s nice to know that they still … you know … get happy
Zoe (appalled): Mom! Did you hear me? They were old! Like, old! Older than Grandma and Papa old! Like, wrinkled and stuff!
Helena (frustrated): WHAT’S A CONDOM?
Zoe and I (in unison): NEVERMIND
Me (annoyed): Oh, I get it. So, older people shouldn’t … you know … ?
Zoe (mortified): Uh, nooooooooo! Hello? That’s is just … UGH.
Helena (resentful)): FINE! NEVERMIND! I’ll just be back here, ignoring you. SO THERE.
Me (remorseful): I’m sorry Peanut. Just give me a minute.
Me (laughing): And what’s so awful about it, Zoe? What’s wrong with it? Older people aren’t allowed to … get happy?
Zoe (disgusted): Oh, geez, Mom! C’mon! It’s gross! I mean, ewwwww.
Me (amused): So, once we have kids and what, turn forty? Fifty? That’s it? We’re cut off? No more … getting happy?
Helena (mouth hanging open): Umm, HELLO? I know what you’re talking about! This is not appropriate conversation! I’m telling Daddy! Oh my gosh.
Me: What are we talking about?
Helena: I’m not saying it out loud. Oh my gosh.
Zoe: Oh, please, Mom. C’mon, it’s not like you … I mean … you and Nate … you guys don’t … oh my God … (staring at me)
*silence*
Zoe: OH MY GOD.
*silence*
Zoe (cringing): You guys get … happ … OH MY GOD.
Me (defensive): Oh, give me a break, Zoe. It’s not like we’re killing baby seals.
Helena: I’M TELLING DADDY. OH MY GOSH.
Zoe (horrified): You mean you and … OH MY GOD … THAT IS JUST DISGUSTING! (eyes rolling in back of her head) I’m going to be sick.
Me (exasperated): We’re not dead, you know! Just because …
Zoe: NOT LISTENING, NOT LISTENING … STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING … NANANANANANANANANANA
Helena: WAIT. What exactly are we talking about?
Me (resigned): JUST FORGET IT! QUIT TALKING! EVERYONE!
Zoe (stunned, wishing Target never sold condoms): Fine.
Me (exhausted, wishing Target had just sold porn): Fine.
Helena (confused, wishing Target had just sold corn): So, can I get gum?
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Oh the lovely conversations that we have with our children.
Love it. I still quiver to think of my ‘rents having sex. Thanks for the laugh!
Twitter: whats4dinnerma
December 29, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Your life could be a movie. I love it. God Bless Grandma and Grandpa for getting it on…but here’s my question. The condoms? Is she scared of getting knocked up? Do they have multiple partners? What is going on in the old folks home????
Happy SITS.
Absolutely hilarious! It sounds like me and my girls in the car.
well, just great – thanks! Now, not only am I in trouble for laughing really loud while I was reading this and waking up the husband (who is decidedly unconcerned about Target corn OR old people having sex), but now I am never going to tell my kids about “getting happy” until they ARE old! And they’ll probably have to go to a therapist, and he’ll tell them it’s my fault, and send the bill to me. awesome.
i need some gum.
Awesome…I need to do my post this week about sausages and cox. It’s about sausages in a recipe and cox, the cable company…oh the car conversations…you should hear ours…
Oh my gosh, this is hilarious. Reminds me of a girl I went to nursing school with; she was so grossed out and thought that all “old” people should be banned from sex….me, I think it’s cute….they still love each other after all this time.:)
LOVE IT! .. I felt like I was watching a movie reading that dialogue.
Kids think anything over 19 is old…I remember thinking like that …. now I’m 29 and ANCIENT.
That post was hysterical. You are one funny gal. So I’m wondering what exactly those two oldies needed condoms for. Obviously not pregnancy, although today who knows. Soon it’ll bee Octograndmom
Twitter: pixielation
December 29, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Oh my God, that is priceless.
I remember the day I found condoms in my dad’s bedside drawer (don’t ask what I was looking for in the first place).
It was never that funny though.
This completely reminded me of the time I was Zoe’s age and came home to find my parents bedroom door mysteriously closed in the middle of the day with…weird sounds emanating from the room. I stood for a moment wondering what was going on and when it clicked I was HORRIFIED. I can still remember how grossed out I was to find out that my parents still got happy. Ah memories.
I prefer to think that I arrived via stork. Once in my adult life I was in my parent’s family room during what was supposed to be an afternoon nap time. I woke up and heard things that made me think that my parents might still get happy. I nearly died. I don’t think it’s natural to feel okay with thinking of your parents (or holy heck your grandparents) still getting it on. They do it once to have a kid and then NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
OMG … hilarious!! I have 2 boys (ages 5 and 3). I can only imagine the conversations I am going to have with those two when they are older. LOL!!
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New to SITS, love your blog!!
oh my gosh…….I can not stop laughing….ahhhh i have tears…..wow….my family is looking at me like i have lost my mind!!!!!! now that is some funny stuff right there!!!! thanks you made my day…or nite!!!!
Great post. I was having a bad day, but you cheered me up. I even laughed out loud at the last line.
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This made me laugh!
Awesome. That was the best.
Happy SITS day!
Still laughing…..
***Ally
Very funny! Grandpa and Grandma needing condoms? Hmmm. Kids tend to think anyone above 25 is old so, I’m inclined to think its possible. I’m 41, old and I LOVE TO GET HAPPY. LOL
I read this just before bed, and now I am going to fall asleep laughing, dreaming about old people, corn, little girls asking what a condom is, and that crazy comment from someone about jumping on the bed! You are HILARIOUS!
Twitter: mmangen
December 30, 2009 at 6:11 pm
OMGosh! I am sooooooooooooooooooooo glad that I don’t have two kids….I’m with Kim – why do older people need condoms?
And I’m so glad I have not yet had my son wonder about things like that….yet! (thankfully he’s only 12!)
OMG, that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Hilarious!
Priceless. Just priceless. Absolutley hilarious! It sounds like a conversation I would have had with my Mom at that age! Hee-Hee! And I still don’t like thinking about my Grandparents…you know…getting happy! Eeew! Although I sure hope that when I’m nice and Grandparent-age, I’ve still got it! lol. So did Helena ever get her gum?
I still do the I’M NOT LISTENING trick to my Mom when she talks about sex and I’m 31. Ah ha ha
Tooo funny!
This post had me in stiches. too funny… Now I have Don’t Worry, be Happy stuck in my head.
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