Once upon a time, I lived in a small condo with a four year old daughter who, at the time, was into all things jewelry, specifically beads and when I say into, I mean it in a totally MOMMY! LOOK! I GLUED THEM ALL OVER MYSELF! AM I PRETTY? kind of way.
One day I apparently suffered either a massive case of stupid or a brain aneurysm. I’m not sure which, because for some reason, I carried one of her large, acrylic storage boxes into our bathroom. This particular box contained 10,003 microscopic beads of every color under every sun of every planet known to God and all His friends. And then the box was inexplicably attacked by gravity and plummeted to the floor, whereupon it exploded, sending 10,001 of those suckers flying everywhere. The remaining two were inadvertently inhaled by me as I was screaming SHIT SHIT SHIT ON A STICK twenty-four times.
My bathroom floor looked as if a herd of pygmy bunnies had gorged themselves on glittery Crayola and then turbo pooped all over it.
So, I have bead issues. If I ever fully recover from the post traumatic stress, I might be willing to entertain the thought of allowing them in the house again. But until then? Not for love or money or a quickie with Anderson Cooper.
Kidding! I just threw that last one in there, for effect. I love you, Anderson! Call me.
You know who doesn’t have issues with beads or gravity or restraining orders from hottie silver-haired news anchors who don’t return messages?
Who does some pretty awesome things with freshwater pearls and semi-precious gems and glass beads and Swarovski crystals and wire?
Hi Cheryl! ((waving))
Cheryl’s got herself an Etsy shop called Ample Goddess Jewelry.
She designs jewelry.
I love it when I can state the obvious!
I can’t stop staring at this bracelet. It’s so dang pretty.
I’m trying to clean up my potty mouth, but holy shit, it’s hard.
Cheryl likes to cuss too. I believe her favorite is Oh Heeeeeeeelllll No. Isn’t that sweet? Although I think I need to school her in the more colorful vocabulary that comes spewing out of my mouth upon occasion.
It makes life much more interesting.
This is an anklet. You wear it around your ankle.
See? Stating the obvious is fun!
I like the twisty things Cheryl did with the wire stuff in between those beady things.
And I’m sure she totally appreciates my technical know-how when I describe her items.
You’re welcome, Cheryl!
If I didn’t think it would scare the bejeebers out of all my neighbors, I’d wear nothing but this anklet and risk yet another indecent exposure citation. But my neighbors like their bejeebers and who am I to suck the joy out of their lives?
It’s not like I’m their mom, you know.
These earrings make me happy. Cheryl combined two of my favorite colors on this planet – fuchsia and lime. I remember one time I asked Nate to paint our bedroom these very same colors. Nate probably doesn’t remember it though. It’s hard to remember stuff with all that hyperventilating and seizing going on.
To this day, our bedroom remains a seasick cookie monster hue.
I can’t talk about it.
Here’s another bracelet. You may now commence “oohing” and “aaaahing.”
You know what’s special about this bracelet? It’s plus size, for the larger woman. That’s because Cheryl makes bracelets and anklets for the average woman and the plus size woman. She’ll specify the size of a particular piece and then indicate whether the piece can be shortened or lengthened, depending on your need.
Isn’t that nice? How many of you have worn an anklet only have it snap off the nanosecond you move, causing it to burst off your ankle, ricochet around the room and wind up somewhere north of the Yucatán Peninsula? Or fallen in love with a bracelet only to discover that it cuts off your blood supply when you wear it? What’s the sense in looking all pretty when you’re trapped in an ambulance on your way to the hospital to get your hand amputated? Where’s the fun in that, I ask you?
Did you know I have skinny wrists? I do. They are the only skinny thing on me and look pretty much out of place on the rest of my landscape. I think God got distracted by a wayward angel 42 years ago and confused my purchase order with that of Charles Schulz, just long enough to attach my hands onto my arms with twigs from Charlie Brown’s Christmas Tree. The second I step through the pearly gates, I’m determined to ask Him why he did this, right after “The seventies? Seriously? What was up with that?”
Here’s one of Cheryl’s anklets that can be worn by anyone, so long as they have ankles. So if you have average ankles or large ankles, you’re all set!
Or if your average ankles occasionally suffer an identity crisis and think they’re the Hoover Dam by retaining more water than Lake Mead, you’re good to go!
I’d be good to go.
Cheryl also makes necklaces. Isn’t this gorgeous? I’m not sure what those copper bead things are called, but I’d like to hot glue them all over my computer. Maybe then I’d think twice about flinging my computer out the window.
I’d really miss those beads.
Here’s another necklace with copper beads. Scrumptious, no? I’m falling in love with copper. Especially when it’s paired with red. The combination is just so … elegant and sophisticated.
Just like me!
Except not really.
Which reminds me … did you know that pennies are technically not made of copper? Their guts are made of zinc and then they’re coated in copper to make them look pretty and shiny.
Just like me!
Except not really.
My guts are just … guts. And the last time I was shiny was when I was wearing a placenta.
Speaking of pennies, don’t these earrings remind you of them? I love these. My fifteen year old daughter wants them for Christmas. I know this because she glanced over my way as I was writing this post and yelled OH MY GOD, I WANT THOSE FOR CHRISTMAS OR I WILL DIE.
Isn’t she subtle? She gets that from me. I am the walking personification of subtlety. That’s why I call up my brother every few months and holler FOR SHIT’S SAKE, TINO! WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED YET? INQUIRING MOMS WANT TO KNOW. Because my mother knows she can depend on me to be discreet.
By the way, Cheryl also has a fifteen year old daughter.
It’s amazing we’re still alive, isn’t it Cheryl? Did you get your combat pay yet? I’m still waiting.
Stupid bureaucratic red tape.
Can we just take a moment to appreciate the I WILL SELL MY FIRSTBORN FOR THIS-ness of this bracelet?
This one is plus size but can be adjusted smaller.
Hey Cheryl – I’m going to Fedex my thighs to you. See what you can do, OK?
I think I’m in a yellow-green stage in my life. I’m just drawn to it because it’s fun and cheerful and whimsical and goes so well with all shades of purples and pinks.
It’s all about the color, baby!
The more, the better!
That’s my motto.
I’m married to a man who’s all about color too, provided the color starts with the letter “BEIGE” and ends with the letter “BEIGE.”
We have issues.
I think these whimsical earrings would look much better dangling from my ears than from this pale white vase.
Then again, I haven’t been tan since I hit a tanning booth the week before I got married which was over a decade ago so it’s entirely possible no one would be able to tell the difference.
I think the play of teal against copper here is fun. It’s just a fun necklace, don’t you think? My mother might refer to this necklace as delightful or lovely or MINE, ALL MINE.
Now, since you’re probably wondering what I’m giving away, let’s get on with it, shall we?
Up for grabs:
An item of your choice from Cheryl’s Etsy shop, up to a maximum value of $50.
Need I remind you that the holidays are coming up?
And for those of you interested … there are only 98 days until Christmas. Don’t hate me. It wasn’t my idea to have the big guy born that day. Go yell at his mom. It’s always the mom’s fault.
Wouldn’t it be nice to pick something up for someone special? Or, if you’re anything like me, screw everybody else and get something for yourself!
Here’s the scoop:
- To enter, leave a comment in this post and tell me what color you would paint your walls, if you had your druthers. I don’t have druthers anymore. Instead, I have Nate and thusly, will never have Smoked Eggplant walls in my family room.
- If someone has some extra druthers laying around, I’ll take them.
- Anyone 18 or older can enter. Age does have its benefits! Deal with that, gravity.
- No entries after 9:00 pm eastern time on Sunday, September 20, because that’s when I fully intend to be comfortably ensconced on the couch and beseeching Nate to turn the channel because football sucks. Yes, I’m assuming that a football game will be on since it’s a day that ends with a “y.”
- You know the drill. Random.org. Now, come on. Don’t be hatin’ on random.org. The alternative is me choosing a winner and then you’re left to the mercy of my hormones and that is just all kinds of stupid crazy OH MY GAWD. If you don’t believe me, just ask Nate. He’s hiding around here somewhere.
- Please, one entry per person. PLEEEEEEEASE, with sugar on top? I promise, your comment will show up, if not immediately then soon thereafter. Kind of like my period.
- Despite my flogging it with a wet noodle, my blog theme Thesis is still messing with my comment numbers. It numbers all the way to up comment #500 and then starts back at #1 again. It’s infuriating but I’m aware of it so go ahead and post your comment and don’t worry if there are duplicate numbers – I’m on top of it!
- That’s what she said.
- I’ll announce the winner on Monday!
Now go forth and paint one of your walls fuchsia pink with lime polka dots.
And think of me fondly.
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