If I’m ever in charge of the survival of humanity, we are in serious trouble

by Creative Junkie on February 24, 2010

We are bringing home our canine baby in a little over one week and I am in full nesting mode, much like I was before I brought home my two human babies. This means that I am cleaning and organizing everything, including the dust bunnies on either side of my stove which are now organized from smallest to tallest so if the puppy ever wedges himself in those crevices while chasing a wayward piece of kibble, he won’t be immediately freaked out by a hairy monster twice his size.

I suppose I could have gotten rid of the dust bunnies entirely but then who would keep the puppy company as we are running all over the house yelling OLIVER! WHERE ARE YOU? OH MY GOD, DID SOMEONE STEP ON OLIVER? QUICK, CHECK YOUR SHOES.

So as I’m scrounging around our bedroom closet, I spot this blue box that’s been sitting in the corner for about two weeks shy of forever. I’d always ignored it, assuming that it was one of those things that followed me from house to house to house and contained crap I’d never need again but felt compelled to save nevertheless, not unlike the stained, ripped cardboard boxes in our basement filled with my elementary school history, including my fourth grade essay entitled Yellow Brown Trees with Yellow Green Leaves which was an exercise in both iambic pentameter and How to Be a Word Nerd 101.

But my curiosity finally got the better of me, not to mention the fact that the damn thing was taking up some desperately needed floor space so I dragged it out of the closet and down to the kitchen.

Judging by the lid, I can only assume that the dust bunnies by our stove are prolific, fertile little buggars who scamper up to our closet for quickies. I must hop online after I write this and order a brand new nose since I sneezed the current one right off my face. The track lighting we have above our kitchen table is now blinged out with about $2,000 worth of twenty year old rhinoplasty.

I opened the lid and instantly recognized the survival box I had assembled over eight years ago, sometime after September 11, back when I was convinced we were only two or three CNN segments away from full blown Armageddon and I wanted to be prepared in case Nate and I had to do our part to help repopulate the earth.

Two things became immediately apparent to me as I glanced at the contents of the box: (1) I’d have to work my way up to being an idiot; (2) judging from the appalling lack of toiletries such as clean undies, soap, toothpaste and deodorant, the chances of Nate and I having post-Armageddon sex was practically nil.

Wait.

Make that absolutely nil. I neglected to pack a razor.

Granola bars, generic graham crackers and peanut butter.

That’s it. That’s all the sustenance I managed to gather, despite being centrally located to at least three Wegmans within a six mile radius. Our family of four would have lasted … what? A week, maybe? Or 36 hours, depending on whether or not I had my period.

No non-perishables. No MRE’s. No bottled water.

No lighters or matches or propane or charcoal or firewood or anything with which to make a fire.

No utensils of any kind.

No pots or pans or Pyrex or Le Creuset or George Forman grill to be found. You know, in case I wanted to make a granola casserole or something.

Worst yet, no Milky Ways, Dove Chocolate or Toblerone bars. No decent chocolate of any kind which begs the question, would armageddon even be worth surviving?

Oh! And no canned goods. Anywhere.

Which begs the question, what the hell is the purpose of the can opener?

I mean, other than to mock me for buying a brand new one two weeks ago.

I packed one package of pads. ONE. Generic and ultra thin, no less. If my uterus had a nose, it would be snorting milk out of it as I type. We would have lasted two days tops, right up until I soaked through my one and only pair of undies and then I’d have had no choice but to go around stealing everyone else’s undies and living out the remainder of my life on the run from a resentful humanity forced against its collective will into running around commando.

And look … seven diapers. Seven. Helena was one year old at the time and the human equivalent of a soft serve ice cream machine. She had the habit of waiting no more than twenty minutes before filling up a fresh new diaper with a jumbo sized chocolate to go. With sprinkles.

We would have lasted less than a day before she soaked through that last diaper and asphyxiated all of us with the stench.

One … count it … ONE roll of toilet paper. ONE.

Forget everything I said. We would have lasted twenty minutes before the roll ran out and it would have been anarchy.

Batteries.

Nothing to put them in, mind you. Like, maybe a radio. Or walkie talkies. Or even a flashlight.

Numnuts, party of one? Your table is ready.

As if I could survive Armageddon on one tiny bottle of extra strength Tylenol. For God’s sake, I sprinkle more than that on my cereal when my mother comes to visit.

Where’s the needle and thread in case I need to sew a leg or finger back on? Assuming I learned to sew before the apocalypse?

Better yet, where’s the stapler?

Where’s the alcohol to disinfect the stapler? Rubbing alcohol would have been good but a few bottles of Absolut would have been better.

Don’t ask me why I felt it necessary to pack 4 capsules of Dayquil.

I need a t-shirt that says “I’m with Numnuts.”

I remember totally buying into the theory that sealing up our windows and doors with duct tape would protect us in the event of a biochemical attack. Apparently, I dozed off during the whole bit about plastic sheeting and gas masks.

But at least I was fully prepared in case the girls suddenly needed their pants hemmed.

Did you freak out during that time and assemble a survival kit? Would you have made the Girl Scouts proud or would they have stripped you of all your badges and pelted you with Thin Mints?

At least you would have gotten some chocolate out of the deal.

.

.

46 comments

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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }

1
Much More Than Mommy
Twitter: baptistness
February 24, 2010 at 11:50 pm

I am laughing so hard I think I’m getting a total ab workout!!! I didn’t freak out at hurricanes, Y2K or after 9/11. I am way too high maintenance to believe that I would survive any type of apopcalyptic event for long enough to need any necessities.
.-= Much More Than Mommy’s last blog post is here ..This post is brought to you by The Estrogen Monster. =-.

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2
Kearsie
Twitter: kearsie
February 25, 2010 at 12:03 am

Man, I’m reading this way too late in the night to make coherentish wittylike comments and am just laughing hysterically trying to read parts of this out loud to my husband who apparently cannot understand a durned word I’m saying whilst performing said laughing. I can only assume that the next emergency rations box you pack will contain everything you’re lacking and said box will be too heavy to lift. Also you need some cake in there.
.-= Kearsie’s last blog post is here ..Gluttony, thy name is Kearsie =-.

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3
Sharlene February 25, 2010 at 12:04 am

OMG! i am dying here! If i wake my son, it’s your fault! Best post yet!
I must say though, that your survival kit is still better than mine, we have none.
i dont even have all the important papers and crap in one spot.
i know i can pack everything in a jiff, and working on getting us organized and thanks to you, i know what mistakes not to make!

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4
Heather T.
Twitter: heather_t_
February 25, 2010 at 12:17 am

Heh. I take it your definition of disaster is the three hours the electricity goes off while they’re installing a new transformer, or something. That’s about how long that case would last ya… *giggles*

Meanwhile, you’re making me feel guilty because I’m supposed to have tsunami/earthquake disaster kit(s) ready to go, and I have nothing. So at least you’re one leg (albeit a hairy one) up on me…
.-= Heather T.’s last blog post is here ..Eeek! Opening at The DigiChick! (and a freebie) =-.

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5
Amy February 25, 2010 at 2:31 am

Yeah, I gotta admit the same thing as the others… I don’t even have a survival kit packed! And I live in earthquake, fire, and mudeslide territory. For Shame! I guess I’ve just figured that with my luck, the house would collapse between me and the kit anyway! My purse, on the other hand, wows audiences regularly. My husband calls it my survival purse. If we are on a flight together and crash in the jungle, come to me, I’ll have what you need. At least… if the airlines allow me to bring everything on board! lol

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6
elizabeth February 25, 2010 at 6:33 am

thanks for the laugh this morning! I never made a 911 kit, but in case of disaster today we have a gigantic Costco size package of toilet paper, a case of canned tomatoes (?) and all those cute little votive candle for warmth…at least my house will smell nice!
.-= elizabeth’s last blog post is here ..Saucy Secrets! =-.

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7
Amanda
Twitter: householdsix
February 25, 2010 at 7:26 am

Oh that’s funny! I’ll never forget the first time my husband and I went to visit my family in the winter. We were living in MD, but my family is in NWPA. I threw our boots, a shovel, a couple blankets, a jug of water, a flashlight, and a box of granola bars in the back seat. My husband thought I was nuts (let’s face it, other than this winter, MD doesn’t really get snow to speak of). That is until on Christmas Eve we were hit with a huge snowstorm, and right on the 6pm news they said not to go out unless you have to, and if you do, make sure you have water, power bars, a shovel, and a blanket. I just said, “I told you so.”
.-= Amanda’s last blog post is here ..Army Fun Facts =-.

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8
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself
Twitter: MissusSmith
February 25, 2010 at 7:48 am

HEE! Total paroxysms of mirth here! But *with* you and not *at* you, of course…

I never did assemble any actual kit, but I do tend to carry a Survival Purse, a fact upon which my hubby has come to be a wee bit too reliant. Apparently, after spending 17 years and change with the Woman Who Can Whip Almost Anything Required out of Her Purse (sadly, George Clooney’s phone number has never materialized, hence the *almost*), he now expects that I can literally pull *anything* out when needed. He will now just turn to me and be all “Well? Don’t you have a road map of South America and the Sa-Sn volume of the 1987 World Book Encyclopedia? Pull ‘em out already!” and I’m all “Dude. I can give you a wet wipe, antibiotic ointment and your pick of a wide assortment of Disney Princess bandages in waterproof or tattoo styles. I can feed you and a small army for about a week as long as you don’t mind eating raisins and slightly linty and smooshed PB crackers, then freshen your breath afterwards with your choice of gum or Listerine Pocket Pals, and should you get a raisin stuck betwixt your teeth, I can offer you floss. I can keep you entertained with not only crayons but also at least two colors of Play-Doh, even, andplay a wide variety of music for you courtesy of my iPod. Lips chapped? Eyes itchy? Skin dry? Gotcha covered, and should you suddenly sprout ovaries and a uterus, I can give you a wide selection of feminine hygiene products and pain relievers from which to choose. But a map of South America? WTH?” It cracks me up how he now expects me to have *anything* at any time, instantaneously. He’s spoiled, I suppose…

I would be a great contestant on Let’s Make a Deal, that’s for sure. Paging Wayne Brady…..
.-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Mostly Wordless Wednesday: I love a parade =-.

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9
ShanB February 25, 2010 at 7:55 am

ok that made me laugh so much…. but I would totally have done the same thing…

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10
stacey@Havoc&Mayhem February 25, 2010 at 9:33 am

You seem to have expected Armageddon to be over rather quickly, sort of day trip to Armageddon. I live near a nuclear reactor. I’m not in the evacuation zone but near enough that probably I will go visit relatives in another state for awhile should there be an incident. I have nothing packed though. I’m relying on my lightening fast panicked packing reflexes to get everything stuffed into suitcases and in the car within 5 minutes of the evacuation signal being given

But the one thing that really strikes me about this post is this

YOU LIVE NEAR 3 WEGMANS???? I have to drive 90 minutes to get one!
.-= stacey@Havoc&Mayhem’s last blog post is here ..Artwork =-.

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11
Marlene February 25, 2010 at 9:57 am

OMG, it was so hard to get past the part about your uterus snorting milk…….I was laughing so hard! This is brilliant. Simply brilliant! You make me laugh.
.-= Marlene’s last blog post is here ..Purple Power =-.

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12
Tina Burke
Twitter: tinster67
February 25, 2010 at 10:05 am

I live in earthquake country, and have not one but TWO earthquake kits. One is in the car trunk, with all the essentials, copies of important papers, water, a couple changes of clothes, canned goods, a crank radio, batteries,etc. The other, in the house, has all of that duplicated, plus the photos I feel are most important to me and a few other things. However, I put these together about 3 years ago, so I would likely starve, since I am SURE all of the foodstuff is expired. I also do not remember if there are any medical supplies in there OOPS. Thanks for making me laugh with your post, and for reminding me that it is necessary to review my own emergency supplies occassionally!

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13
Laurie February 25, 2010 at 10:39 am

OMG that is hilarious, and I was just sitting here busting a gut. Hindsight is well…you know the saying lol
.-= Laurie’s last blog post is here ..Is Your Toothbrush Making You Sick? =-.

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14
Tracy February 25, 2010 at 10:56 am

This is hilarious. I loved the few diapers, considering how old your kids are. Mind you you could use them in place of the pads LOL.
.-= Tracy’s last blog post is here ..It finally uploaded =-.

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15
Deal-ectible Mom February 25, 2010 at 11:01 am

LMAO! Great attempt, however I would think that water may be essential..>LOL!

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16
Cheryl
Twitter: CherylPeters
February 25, 2010 at 11:13 am

Oh Andy, you totally had me laughing. Kinda reminds me of my inlaws “winter weather kit” uh yeah, there’s a small shovel, 1 pair of gloves and 1 pair of ugly ass HUGE mens boots. I suppose that if we were stranded somewhere, I really wouldn’t care about what the boots look like, but man. Oh and I don’t have anything even remotely close to an emergency kit! I agree with Stacy…. I’m counting on my wicked fast packing abilities to get it all done. :p
.-= Cheryl’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

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17
Brittany
Twitter: BrittanyGreer5
February 25, 2010 at 12:09 pm

That looks like a box I would have packed!!! Batteries but nothing to put them in. No water but medicine. Diapers that would last a day at best! Well at least our sweet tooth wouldn’t have a problem with yummy granola bars!!!
.-= Brittany’s last blog post is here ..Trying To Focus =-.

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18
April
Twitter: carolinamomof3
February 25, 2010 at 1:18 pm

This is Hilarious! This is so me, but hey at least you attempted to make a survival kit. I don’t have nothing, so I really feel for my family…lol! GREAT post!

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19
Kasandria February 25, 2010 at 3:48 pm

OMG I am literally LMAO at you! First off post-Armageddon sex? It’s been so long since I’ve had actual pre-Armageddon sex I can’t even think about post. 2nd have I told you I love you today? Seriously best survival pack EVER!
Kas
.-= Kasandria’s last blog post is here ..Review: Army Wives Season 3 DVD =-.

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20
Insanitykim February 25, 2010 at 5:46 pm

I have been MIA, fighting off zombies, and zits…

This was hysterical! You merely packed a representation of what you basically needed if you planned on living…

Suddenly I feel very vulnerable and unprepared.

I am about to order an emergency kit on-line. And I am buying extra pads.
.-= Insanitykim’s last blog post is here ..I Share With You Inspiration, Not Perspiration… =-.

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21
nicole
Twitter: 2bnicole
February 25, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Okay! I’ve decided, you are the funniest person on the planet, and if Armageddon happens, I totally want you around to make me laugh!

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22
Kathy
Twitter: amomsimpression
February 25, 2010 at 8:14 pm

Wow… I haven’t laughed that hard in a little while. Thanks for the post!

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23
Jen @ buried with children February 25, 2010 at 8:51 pm

This killed me. So flippin’ funny. I am crying over here with tears of joy.
.-= Jen @ buried with children’s last blog post is here ..My Inspiration =-.

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24
Brandy
Twitter: brandyellen
February 25, 2010 at 9:14 pm

That is just the funniest post EVER! I can’t believe you found that and look at what you packed? WOW … too funny!!!! Love the batteries with nothing to put them in and the can opener I noticed right away … as I didn’t see any cans! LOL
.-= Brandy’s last blog post is here ..Overworked, Overwhelmed & Exhausted =-.

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25
trisha February 25, 2010 at 10:10 pm

andrea…you did NOT do that did you. OMG.
.-= trisha’s last blog post is here ..Promote your business FREE linky 2/25 =-.

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26
Shasta
Twitter: keepinitcheap
February 25, 2010 at 10:10 pm

WOW! I need you to come over here and make one of those for me :)
.-= Shasta’s last blog post is here ..NOVICA ~ $50 Birthday Bash Giveaway ~ =-.

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27
Annie @ Mama Dweeb February 25, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Oh my goodness! LOL what a great post (as always) I don’t have a survival kit of any sort, so you are way ahead of me!
.-= Annie @ Mama Dweeb’s last blog post is here ..Ouch! UnFollow, a necessary thing? =-.

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28
Jenny
Twitter: osvme
February 25, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Haha looks like you’re well prepared. xD I’m holding out for the zombie apocolypse though. Much more interesting events.
.-= Jenny’s last blog post is here ..Meet Charlie =-.

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29
Katie
Twitter: EllisFan14
February 25, 2010 at 10:11 pm

You still would have lasted longer than me with my non-existent survival kit!
.-= Katie’s last blog post is here ..Reduce Water Bottle Winner! =-.

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30
Theresa
Twitter: faithfamilyrevw
February 25, 2010 at 10:12 pm

Too funny! Thanks for the smiles!
.-= Theresa’s last blog post is here ..FREE Webinar on Money-Saving Organizing Tips =-.

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31
Kelly W February 25, 2010 at 10:12 pm

I wouldn’t done much better
.-= Kelly W’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday: First night in her big girl bed =-.

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32
Robin
Twitter: TwiMommi
February 25, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Those must have been some funky crackers.
.-= Robin’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday – A Great Day to Get Dirty =-.

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33
Mandi
Twitter: AWelbaum
February 25, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Oh my gosh, I can’t stop laughing!!!
.-= Mandi’s last blog post is here ..A Letter To My Pregnant Friends =-.

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34
Night Owl mama
Twitter: Nightowlmama
February 25, 2010 at 10:13 pm

wow for the most part you were prepared More prepared than me. lol I had 3 cases of water lol and a few other essentials

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35
Shannon February 25, 2010 at 10:14 pm

Ok the duct tape would solve it all, well except the eating issue. :) Duct tape solves everything. I can’t believe you had that. lol :)

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36
Kim FAucher February 25, 2010 at 10:19 pm

But what I want to know is… did you open the peanut butter? what does 8 year old granola bars look like… that could make a fun article!! lol
.-= Kim FAucher’s last blog post is here ..If you Believe =-.

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37
Shop with Me Mama (Kim)
Twitter: shopwithmemama
February 25, 2010 at 11:37 pm

ROFL! Hey, at least you even thought to pack something! We would be dead!

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38
Helene
Twitter: Gaither
February 26, 2010 at 1:30 am

I love the phrases you come up with…2 weeks shy of forever! And the comment about Helena and the chocolate to go, with sprinkles. OMG, you kill me!! I’m about to head to bed and I needed a good laugh. You never disappoint me!

I was totally wondering what the can opener was supposed to be used for when you didn’t have any canned items in there! Then you mentioned the same thing!
.-= Helene’s last blog post is here ..1000 followers?! Seriously?! =-.

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39
Not So Average Mama
Twitter: stitchblade
February 26, 2010 at 12:06 pm

I totally needed this today! I was laughing so hard that I had tears! Great post!!!!
.-= Not So Average Mama’s last blog post is here ..Lamps Plus Labs, The Closer! =-.

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40
Sandy February 26, 2010 at 2:21 pm

That is absolutely hysterical! Good for you for doing it even though it does seem that you had some gaps in there. I looked at the can opener and was a little puzzled as to what you were going to open.

We have never prepared for anything more than a snowstorm or a hurricane or two but that was mainly because we live on a well so if our electricity goes out for any length of time, no water. We have had that happen a couple times over the years and have resorted to using the Coleman stove to heat water, etc., on. But that’s about it.
.-= Sandy’s last blog post is here ..Dad Would Be Proud =-.

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41
Louise February 26, 2010 at 3:14 pm

This was hilarious! We have a puppy arriving next week too. And I find too that I’m behaving just like I did when 24 hours from delivery of my two children. The whole house is sparkling and well-organised…strange…
.-= Louise’s last blog post is here ..Green boat =-.

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42
Janet February 27, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Oh this is too funny! My first thought was, okay, granola bars and maxi-pads? THAT is gonna help you survive?? Makes you wonder what on earth you were thinking.
.-= Janet’s last blog post is here ..Funny is as Funny Does =-.

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43
bettyl February 27, 2010 at 7:30 pm

You have duct tape. You are ready for anything.
.-= bettyl’s last blog post is here ..New Zealand Winter Olympics =-.

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44
Mads Mom March 1, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Well that was enough to hook me. Damn funny. Say hello to your new follower!
.-= Mads Mom’s last blog post is here ..More IMing: The end of the world as we know it. =-.

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45
Kelly Jo March 4, 2010 at 6:43 pm

I, too, just got an ab workout from all the laughing- I am SO glad I found your blog. Why you haven’t replaced Leno yet is just beyond me.

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