Once again, Zoe has disobeyed me. Despite my heated requests and pleas and screeching beseeching, she absolutely refuses to stop growing up. She will turn sixteen this weekend and I am in the process of stapling my eyelids open because I’m scared that the next time I blink, she’ll be headed off to college.
*blink*
And then down the aisle.
*blink*
And then past the elevators through the maternity doors on the right.
*blink*
And then down one floor to pull the plug on her mother whose last words were WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, I’M A GRANDMOTHER ALREADY?
Within thirty seconds of hitting sixteen, Zoe will be getting her permit and learning how to drive. On real roads. With real cars. So many cars that it might be construed as traffic.
All you drivers out there? Please do me a solid and hot glue rubber tires all over your cars because honestly, you can never have too many bumpers.
And all you pedestrians? Stay home.
Same goes for you bikers. And rollerbladers. And golfers who shank and slice and can’t keep track of your wayward balls.
Let’s make this easy.
EVERYBODY WATCH YOUR BALLS AND STAY INSIDE.
If you absolutely must go out, because you’re hemorrhaging or shoes are on sale somewhere, please please please, for the love of God, keep an eye out for Zoe. She’ll be the one in the bubble wrapped Honda equipped with supersonic strobe lights on its roof so that you can see her coming a mile away. You should then have plenty of time to get the hell out of the way as she will be approaching at a maximum speed of ten miles an hour, if my handiwork on the Honda was successful.
Zoe, you were worth every single one of those sixty hours it took to bring you into this world. Happy sixteen, babe.
.
.
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG you are as bad as i am!!! LOL!! only you verbalize it better!! i just call it mama trauma! mine IS in college (at just barely 18) so i SOOOOO know what you are going through — hugs your way – & you have two choices.. either color your hair to HIDE the grey she is causing or FLAUNT it and be proud of the grey hair cause you EARNED it! LOL!!
a fellow (freaking is down to about once a week) mom
Twitter: heather_t_
April 22, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Lots of grins, several chuckles, and an “awwwww”… =)
Heather T.’s last blog post is here ..New Kit @ The DigiChick: Party!!
You are too funny, lady. My takeaway from this whole thing (besides the fact that you love your baby girl) is:
EVERYBODY WATCH YOUR BALLS AND STAY INSIDE.
That’s such a great lesson. It’s kind of a Brave New World type of thing,where people in zippered pleather pants live in a bubble and run around protecting their crotchal region. Hmm… Or Spaceballs.
InspiredDreamer’s last blog post is here ..Curvy Thursday
Twitter: MissusSmith
April 23, 2010 at 7:35 am
Happy birthday Zoe! I have nine years and one month until I need to copy this post for my own blog. That means I’ll be significantly older than you are now, though, so perhaps my daughter will have pulled the plug on me, thereby sparing me the learning to drive agony.
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike…
Happy Birthday to Zoe!
stacey@Havoc&Mayhem’s last blog post is here ..My new favorite appliance
Another grandchild is getting older and on the road! Already have one on the road with her own car, named Ruby! Now Zoe, next year my only grandson will be driving! At least it will be a while till Zoes sister is old enough to drive! By then my mind will be gone!!!!!
My son just turned two, and I’m already worried about him driving one day. Is this a problem?
David Telisman’s last blog post is here ..Guess Who’s Back?
Twitter: motherklunkers
April 23, 2010 at 11:35 am
My daughter will be 10 soon. Double digits! Woe.
SeriousMom’s last blog post is here ..Temp
My son has just turned 12 and started high school – and he’s tall enough to look me in the eye now! I had enough trouble this year letting him catch the bus to school, (which he had to do since I started working 3 days) then he wanted to ride his bike – ACK!, let alone think about him driving!! I still think I should put him in deep freeze for a few years til I can get used to all ‘letting go’ stuff. Or maybe it should be me in the freezer!
Hope Zoe has a magical, fantabulous 16th!
Aww 16. Good Luck LOL. Just kidding.
I have 3 daughters 20, 19 and 15. Everyone warned me “Just wait until they are teenagers”. Actually it hasn’t been too bad.
Tracy’s last blog post is here ..Earth Day, I failed.
You always crack me up. Yes, they do grow up too fast – although some days it isn’t quite fast enough.
Happy Birthday, Zoe!
sunshine’s last blog post is here ..Polygamy
*snort*
So glad I’m past this stage with both my daughters!
Marlene’s last blog post is here ..Rock-A-Bye Jiggy
OMG!!!!! is it that time ALREADY????? ACK!!!! Ok. Andy for you?? Breathe. It’s ok…just breathe. Zoe? Happy birthday!! You are a BEAUTIFUL girl and I only hope that my Hannah is as beautiful, responsible and as smart as you are when she’s 16
Oh and give your mom a break! She can’t help it!! LOL 
:p
Martha’s last blog post is here ..eclecticRed on Hiatus…
Twitter: ScrapprsWkshp
April 24, 2010 at 12:15 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZOE!!! Don’t let your mother make you nuts.
And Andy, if it makes you feel any better – they can get their permit at 15 in TN! We’ll be going thru the same thing shortly. So you’re probably safer in NY than you would be around here with all our 15 year olds with permits running around. Best of luck to you!
Jenn W’s last blog post is here ..Quick Tip Tuesday – What are you Missing?
I’m sure she won’t notice the bubble wrap. That’s a great idea — I’m going to remember it when my son starts driving.
feefifoto’s last blog post is here ..Dear State Senator
Twitter: pixielation
April 24, 2010 at 5:29 pm
Mine are 6 and 8 – half way to that magical sweet sixteen, but God it’s going fast!
Zoe looks gorgeous, and I hope she had a wonderful birthday!
pixielation’s last blog post is here ..Why my children will hate me now.
I feel your pain, my oldest will be 16 on Thursday!! It’s scary times!
Scary times!
Congrats to your daughter for surviving 16 years of like with you
(you know i don’t really mean it, don’t you?)
Janmary, N Ireland’s last blog post is here ..New Lessons and new jewelery by janmary designs with FREE shipping