About a year and a half ago, I wrote this post where I lamented my cholesterol levels and my aversion to setting limits and my inability to manage goal weight because I am genetically incapable of moderation. I could lose weight with no problem but maintaining it was an entirely different story, a story brimming with failure, loathing and cheesecake, culminating in a size 16.
After I wrote that post, I decided to embrace the chub because, well, why the hell not? I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t even drink anything stronger than water. No coffee, no pop, no iced tea. I don’t text while driving, I don’t watch porn, I don’t have my nails done, I don’t sleep around, I don’t buy lottery tickets, I don’t collect anything other than dust and I’m not into shopping sprees unless it rains down $100 bills and when was the last time that happened? I mean, other than in Nate’s mind before he hops online with a credit card? Except for Real Housewives, food is the only vice I enjoy! If I’m going to die, I’d rather do it fat and happy than thin and miserable, right? So I continued to lumber toward the plus size department, popping my Simvastatin and following it down with a pasta carbonara chaser.
And then two things happened.
First, we took a trip to New York City where this occurred:
For the moment, let’s ignore the Empire State Building sprouting from my head, shall we? And the haircut that looks like I went ten rounds with a rabid weed whacker and lost. And the fact that Nate looks like PeeWee Herman’s uncle.
Let’s concentrate on the fact that while I am quite a bit shorter than Nate, I am at least twice his girth. If this photo were a map, I’d be the Atlantic Ocean.
Second, we went for ice cream at the canal, where this occurred:
I spy a watermelon with arms. And cleavage.
When I saw these photos, I simply could not believe I was looking at me. Me. Where the hell had I gone? I mean, besides up to the dessert bar far too many times? When I asked Nate how he could have let me get to that point, he had nothing to say for himself other than “I love you, no matter what the scale says,” to which I responded EVEN WHEN IT SAYS OH MY GOD, GET THE HELL OFF ME, YOU’RE GIVING ME A HERNIA? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF HUSBAND AND SMALL APPLIANCE OWNER ARE YOU?
And so in August, 2009, I experienced a whopping case of déjà vu and commenced my second journey with Weight Watchers and last week, this occurred:
The first time around with Weight Watchers was seven years ago and then, it took me less than five months to not only lose forty pounds but to maintain it for six weeks and become a lifetime member. This time around? Not so much. It took me ten months to simply lose those same forty pounds thus proving my theory that losing weight after forty is not so much a bitch as it is a raging, hormonal, vitriolic, scum infested, fetid, shit spewing, soul sucking, castrating hag.
Over the course of ten long months, I lost forty pounds, three chins, two spare tires and went from a size 16 to a size 8 and sometimes, on those few days a month when neither Mother Nature nor I are on the rag, a size 6.
I feel … well, lighter! Not as sluggish. I hollered HOLY SHIT, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I MISSED YOU GUYS to my neck and ankles when I first spotted them and now we’re inseparable. I don’t wheeze when I go upstairs or put on pants. I can give myself a pedicure without passing out. And I can now see my legs when I’m shaving in the shower which results in a lot less sightings of Chewbacca around these here parts.
A few observations about this journey:
- It was much harder to lose the weight this time around because my metabolism turned forty a couple of years ago and since then, suffers from narcolepsy. But unlike the typical narcoleptic who experiences brief episodes of sleep, my metabolism lapses into a coma for weeks at a time. Sometimes I had no choice but to *shock* it back into reality and I did this by eating a big, honkin’ piece of peanut butter pie every now and then because, as it turns out, defibrillators aren’t hanging under lock and key on walls in restaurants and malls simply for the taking. It’s near impossible to ask for a defibrillator without some nosy busy bodies getting into your business, demanding to know what you’re going to use it on and more often than not, narcoleptic metabolisms don’t meet the threshold. Whoever made up that rule is probably thin and can suck in his stomach and actually see it move. So let me rephrase. Whoever made up that rule is probably thin and can suck it. Period.
- It also took me much longer to lose the weight this time around because I was not obsessed with counting points as I was seven years ago. I admit, I may have used Twitter and Facebook and this blog to allude to my belief that eighteen points a day was akin to Nazi sadism but, all in all, points did not consume me. Seven years ago, I would have sooner bitten off my own feet and grilled them with some asparagus, even though I loathe asparagus, rather than risk the excess points associated with boxed macaroni and cheese. But this time, I reigned in my OCD tendencies and ate whatever I wanted, watching my portion control and tracking my points. Sometimes I even went over my daily point allotment and much to my surprise and relief, the world did not come to an abrupt end in a fiery inferno. I’m proud to say that no one was woken up by a 2:00 a.m., phone call only to discover some starving lunatic on the other end screaming OH MY GOD, HOW MANY POINTS WAS IN THAT TORTILLA CHIP I HAD AT LUNCH?
- I detested it and did everything in my power to avoid it but, I eventually bit the bullet and even though I gagged and wretched and just about choked to death on the goddamn thing, I … ugh, it’s hard to even say it … exercised. I know! You don’t have to tell me. The only thing worse than exercise sweating is sweating for no reason at all, right? I started out by walking on the treadmill for twenty minutes at a time, worked my way up to walking outside, then did a walking/jogging/crying combo for a time, then a walking/jogging/hysterics/for-God’s-sake-someone-shoot me-and-end-my-misery medley until eventually, I was jogging two miles a night, 3-4 times a week. Still am. Don’t get the wrong idea, though. It’s not pretty. I’m not an athlete and the only thing that comes naturally to me is blinking so it’s not like I can finish with my run and then immediately do other stuff like stand upright or talk. But, after the delirium and hallucinations subside, I wind up feeling damn good about myself and that’s enough to make me want to do it again.
I’ll write another post detailing the foods and snacks I ate and some other tips that I learned along the way, in case any of you are interested. For now, I’m enjoying looking down and actually seeing my feet without resorting to using magic mirrors. Seeing as how I’m on maintenance and it was maintenance that drop kicked my ass all over the kitchen last time around, I’m not going to raise my fist on this blog and proclaim anything ridiculous like As God is my witness, I’ll never be fat again. Not only because I don’t want to set myself up for public failure but also because it’s really hard to type with one hand. Besides, honestly? There’s no fun in going all Scarlett O’Hara when Nate continues his refusal to dress up as Rhett Butler. I mean, really. What’s the point?
.
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{ 76 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: momnmk
June 14, 2010 at 2:45 pm
I loved you before. I love you now.
But holy canoli lady! You look friggin awesome!!!
I have lost 29 pounds in 5 months with some help from a weight loss “cult” and when I see pictures of my old self, I wanna smack everyone who allowed me to get like that and not tell me!!!
Good for you my dear!!!
Momma\’s last blog post is here ..Learning Process
Congratulations!! That is so awesome and you look fabulous! I can take some of those tips – back on WW myself and I know what you mean about it coming off slowly after 40!
Mary Ann\’s last blog post is here ..Happy Cache-iversary
Congratulations! You look fantastic!!
Twitter: barbhogan
June 14, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Holy F-bomb Batman! You look sensational. I am your before pics, only with a different head and longer hair. I need to get my shit together. You are an inspiration!
Twitter: scrapsoflife
June 14, 2010 at 3:01 pm
Wow! Look at you, the incredible Shrinking woman. And, holy cats, you look like a teenager in the after pictures!
Scraps\’s last blog post is here ..Beds are Not Just for Sleeping!
Twitter: eclecticred
June 14, 2010 at 3:14 pm
You are GORGEOUS!!!! You were ALWAYS gorgeous but now?? **shaking my head** can’t let my hubby see this!! ok..now I’m POSITIVE I can’t come to NY or you to KY till I lose weight.. sigh..off to google weight watchers or some lose weight quick site.
I’m proud of you girl
Martha\’s last blog post is here ..eclecticRed on Hiatus…
You look wonderful!!!! I have the opposite issue you do. I will go work out for hours before I will give up and/or reduce my food intake. And sadly I have reached the point where the only thing left to do is eat less.
And I don’t want to!!!! I want cake! And fried shrimp! with a side of fried hash browns and some bacon!
stacey@Havoc&Mayhem\’s last blog post is here ..Monday Potluck
Twitter: patrice0x0x
June 14, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Wow!! That is amazing! You really are half the other woman! I was doing the weight watchers online program for awhile and was successful until I kind of fell off the wagon. I need to start going to meetings while I’m home for the summer and get serious about losing weight! That is so inspiring to see a real-life person who has lost so much weight! Congratulations!
Patrice\’s last blog post is here ..Nothing is as Easy as it Seems- Apple Store Edition
You go girl! What an inspiration! You’ve got me motivated!
HOLY COW… you are one hot momma!!!!! That is awesome the change… keep up the good work.. that is VERY inspiring!
Oh wow! You look amazing! Wish i had that kind of success story! I only seem to lose weight when I’m stressed, so it always comes back. I have about another 20 to lose, but it’s being stubborn.
Congratulations! Great Job!
Twitter: partyplandivas
June 14, 2010 at 3:44 pm
WOW, that is AWESOME!!! Ok, thats it – you inspired me. I have been limping along on my weightloss journey, its time to get serious now! YOU LOOK FABULOUS!! Well done!
Lynsey Jones\’s last blog post is here ..Monday Mingle June 7, 2010
WOW WOW WOW…you look AWESOME. Your post on 2Peas that led me to your blog came on a perfect day. I am feeling disgusting today and to see that it IS possible is great. I’m throwing out the half of a Blizzard I have stashed in my freezer as soon as I get home from work…..
Twitter: livinlavidalori
June 14, 2010 at 3:50 pm
You look amazing! Congrats, girl!
Lori\’s last blog post is here ..Perfection
Twitter: kwr221
June 14, 2010 at 4:01 pm
OMG!!!!!!!! Wow, you look great (not that I noticed differently before)…..sooo, I guess this means lunch dates are not your top priority.
Thank you for sharing this post. It is nice to see a “real” woman battle with weight loss with a realistic attitude. You are very inspirational to this plus size girl. Becki
you go girl! so happy for you and so proud of you too!!
Deb Wisker\’s last blog post is here ..Cocoa Daisy goodness
You looking amazing. I swear you took ages off you – you look much younger! Hot Damn Girl.
You look like you’re in your early 30s. No shit! Think of how healthy you are and how much longer you’ll be around for your family.
Keep on keepin’ on!
Cheryl\’s last blog post is here ..A Degree in Three! Whoopee! Go Jocy!
You look fantastic!! Way to go on the weight loss! And BTW, thank you very much for keeping me in a job. I work at the WW distribution center.
Ditto to what everyone else said! You look fabulous!!
Twitter: MissusSmith
June 14, 2010 at 5:29 pm
Exactly 18 months from today, I turn 40.
I’ve (recently) sworn (again) to begin working out regularly (and this time I mean it) so that
a – by the time we go to Disney World in August for our annual trip, I don’t have to fear being shot by a tranquilizer dart and rounded back up into the animal pen with the elephants during our stay at Animal Kingdom Lodge
b – by the time I’m 39, perhaps my thighs will no longer be considered a potential fire hazard from all the friction they produce
and
c – by the time I’m 40, my husband will be dying to take me to Hawaii and see me in a bathing suit there. Even more importantly, I’ll want to be in Hawaii and seen in a bathing suit. Hell, I’ll want to be seen in a bathing suit anywhere – though preferably Hawaii.
18 months………….. I feel a fist raising declaration coming on, but then, I’m on your blog now, not mine.
I’ve already told you this, but damn, woman, you look awesome!!!
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself\’s last blog post is here ..Operation Seven Candles
Congratulations. I know it was difficult but you are glowing and look very very happy. I wish you every bit of success in maintaining. I know that you can do it.
Grace2882\’s last blog post is here ..Senior Citizens in Nursing Homes
I loved your story. Its awesome, and you keep it very real. I’m over 40, and stories like this inspire me. I don’t hate my body, but I know it could be sooooo much better and I could be healthier. I do WW, but in a very lazy way and have not been tracking. Thanks for the itty bitty shove in that direction. I need that! You look fabby!
Well aren’t you a bright. shining beacon of inspiration? I love it! And I love your blog. Thanks for sharing!!
You are transformed (or reformed, whichever). Brilliant! Congratulations!
First of all CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! If you were here right now I’d give you a standing ovation!! I am fighting the same battle and it is a kick in the pants. I turned 50, went through menopause and gained rolls in places I never dreamed of. So I now the battle you have fought and won! You do look amazing and should be over the moon proud of yourself.
When my weight loss struggles frustrate me, as they do on a daily basis, I will come back and read this post as incentive to persevere!! (did I sepell that right?)
And girl, you have a way with writing!! Way too funny!
Again, a huge congratulations to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow! That is quite the accomplishment. You luck great (despite the Empre State Building sprouting from you head). That was too funny! You are a great writer and I love your sense of humor! Rock on!
Oh wow – you look AMAZING!!! You look so much younger! And I must say, I like the hair a lot better now.
Anne\’s last blog post is here ..Giveaway – Good Earth Gift Pack
Twitter: CherylPeters
June 14, 2010 at 7:20 pm
you were gorgeous before and gorgeous now! I am down 57 lbs and I have 30 more to go (or so… 23, but who’s counting) You’re an inspiration!!!
Cheryl\’s last blog post is here ..The Strength Comes From Within
Wonderful!!!!! Congrats on the weight loss- and on writing on a post that made me snort sweet tea all over my keyboard with laughter….You look great!
shizzknits\’s last blog post is here ..::domestic:: jamming
you look awesome!! keep it up
Kelly W\’s last blog post is here ..Quotes to Remember… 6/7/10
You look fantastic!!! Great job!
Twitter: 2bnicole
June 14, 2010 at 7:54 pm
You look wonderful! Kudos on your success!
OMGOsh! You look awesome!! I’m so impressed. WTG. That’s really something to be proud of.
Rhea\’s last blog post is here ..6 Miles Down
You look great. I guess I should step away from the peanut M & M’s and go do something active.
susnhine.shadows\’s last blog post is here ..I’m Grateful
Great job! You look amazing! Your story is very inspiring as well. Thank you for sharing it!
I found your blog through Two Peas. Wow, you are an inspiration! And I love your sarcastic sense of humor. Congratulations on your weight loss!
Very awesome!! I decided to finally lose weight. I have 93.6 lbs to go. I know I can do this…may take me a long time, but I will do it.
Every Sunday I do a “losing it with Leah” post and put a linky up for other people on the whole weight loss journey. Feel free to link to it if you would like.
Congratulations! You look great! I love your blog and your writing!
Kris(wholarmor)\’s last blog post is here ..Uncle Manny
Twitter: TheShoppingMama
June 14, 2010 at 11:31 pm
Holy shitballs, woman! You look awesome. Congratulations!
Twitter: RJFerret
June 14, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Along with the others who feel you look younger, before I read I thought your “after” picture was going to be a “before putting on the weight” picture! Nice!
Twitter: heather_t_
June 15, 2010 at 1:07 am
I am so impressed!! Congratulations on your journey. I hope the maintenance isn’t too awful…
Heather T.\’s last blog post is here ..The Mice Will Play…
Andy!
Finally the before and after.
You’ve done an amazing job, keep at it. I know you can.
Your favorite MIL.
You look fantastic Andy. Well done and I take my hat off to you….such a hard thing to do, but you succeeded and look amazing.
Davinia\’s last blog post is here ..Small Things Make me Happy
Wow you look amazing. Thanks for the inspiration I have 50lb to lose and so far have lost 33lb, but I am struggling big time this week, but now I am totally motivated. I am in my mid to late 40′s and boy is is hard to lose.
Well done and thanks for your awesome blog.
Good luck with your maintenance too.
JoAnne
Andy, you look super HAWT! I mean, I don’t want to be creepy or anything, but va-va-va-voom!
Lynn from For Love or Funny\’s last blog post is here ..I’ve got a crush on my kid’s teacher
damn girl way to go! congrats, you look great!
Twitter: BlissfulBabe
June 15, 2010 at 9:05 am
You look fabulous!!!! Congratulations on your raging success! I mean, seriously! That weight loss shit is for the birds. I hate it. I need it. But I hate it. Sigh.
I need to see more of these weight loss success stories. I am trying SO hard to get motivated to stick with SOMETHING other than brownies.
I loathe exercise…. when I’m not doing it. When I get started, I love it, I live for it. It’s just getting started is sooooo hard.
I wish I could afford the WW thing. I tried it several years ago and was actually losing the weight. But, like you the first time, I was OBSESSED with the points. And I was the ”
starving lunatic on the other end screaming OH MY GOD, HOW MANY POINTS WAS IN THAT TORTILLA CHIP I HAD AT LUNCH?”
Oi. One of these days, it WILL happen. Now I just have to figure out WHICH day.
Thank you so much for the inspiration and sharing your before and after!!
BlissfulBabe\’s last blog post is here ..Paying It Forward
Wow, congratulations! You are an inspiration!
OMG, you look AMAZING! So much younger, hot, in shape! You are a babe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Penelope\’s last blog post is here ..The Casio Exilim EX-S8 Digital Camera- Review
Holy crap you look so YOUNG now! And hot too. If I wasn’t hetero, I might come a knockin
WOW! Amazingly awesome!
Your post could nt have come at a better time for me. Yesterday I turned 36 and I swear I woke up with varicose veins and perpetually swollen ankles. It also didn’t help that we had just schlepped around Disneyland for 12 hours a day for the last 3 days and I was feeling all the extra weight plus some extra years!
So thanks for the inspiration
You look great! Very proud of you! Grandma Rocky
You look fantastic! VERY inspiring.
Kim @ What’s That Smell?\’s last blog post is here ..Grilling with ConAgra – Hebrew National, Hunt’s and Gulden’s
You look amazing! I just want you to know you have inspired me to join Weight Watchers and stop farting around thinking the weight is just going to magically go away! Thank you for the kick in the pants!
You hottie you…..
Great Job! I’m proud of you!
Stan at Scrappers Workshop
stan\’s last blog post is here ..Foto Friday – Shallow Depth of Field
Congratulations…you look super Hawt!!!! And I love how you are wearing a shirt from Aeropostale, its a teeny bopper store! Thats awesome!!!
Miss Blondie\’s last blog post is here ..Hoover T-Series Pet Rewind- Review and Giveaway
Twitter: ladyvdzine
June 15, 2010 at 5:46 pm
You look amazing. I’ve hit a plateau in my weight loss, and was just about to throw in the towel, but reading your post makes me want to stick to it. Thanks.
Virginia from Lady V dZine\’s last blog post is here ..As the mold grows- Capri Sun Update
Congrats to you.
I need to loose about 10 lbs, and it is so hard.
Tracy\’s last blog post is here ..A pretty day
You look awesome , WAY TO GO!!!!!!
Dee_Cocktails With Mom\’s last blog post is here ..Cheesy Asparagus Quiche
Twitter: EllisFan14
June 15, 2010 at 8:38 pm
You are looking amazing! Don’t you just feel fabulous? I’m still trying to embrace the “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” mantra – because while being thin feels awesome, a hot fudge sundae sill tastes pretty damn good.
Katie\’s last blog post is here ..Great Deal on Canvas Prints at Canvas People
You look fan-freaking-tastic, lady! Way to go, and thanks for sharing your story – I was afraid I’d wake up my daughter from laughing so hard a couple of times!
Twitter: lelandsmama
June 15, 2010 at 11:37 pm
I just want to say that you have inspired me to try WW again. I subscribed today. Thanks for sharing the post.
You look fantastic! I would love to do WW but only the online version. Do you think that would work?
You’re awesome!!!
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting\’s last blog post is here ..Construct
You look amazing! Congrats!
(your resident lurker)
Mads Mom\’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday: I so need this!
Wow!!! Simply wow!! You look amazing!!! Weight Watchers, huh? I need to lose some weight and not having any luck…I may have to bite the bullet and do it too!
I hope you’ll share some tips and advice!!
Helene\’s last blog post is here ..Just a word to the wise…
You look fantabulous! And younger!!!
You hottie! You’re so awesome!! Not only do you look thin, but you look younger too!!
After birthing 2 kiddos, having no willpower, no sparetime, a deep loathing for junkfood avoidance, the inability to do portion control, and a hubby who refuses to watch the boys so I can do something as simple as go outside for a walk…well, you’ve inspired me anyway. I DO like to exercise (once I get past the first 2 weeks of dragging my sore and sorry ass back to the eliptical machine or workout videos), but have no place to do it except a stifling hot garage (Louisiana in the summer!). ::sigh:: Then again, maybe I’m just making a lot of excuses for why I haven’t started yet, huh?
Regardless, you look friggin’ awesome! I hope your family is giving you lots of big pats on the back…you’ve obviously worked hard. It’s never easy, and I’m so proud of you for sticking to it and meeting your goal weight! (I bet Nate is all over you now! I mean, even more so than before!! LOL) Here’s hoping maintenance is a piece of cake! (Sorry, I didn’t mean to say “cake”…let’s put “RICE” in front of that, OK?)
Wow, you look stunning! My sister joined weight watchers a few days before I saw your post. I showed it to her yesterday so she can be positive and inspired. Two million thumbs up! Especially for the dessert thing you mentioned in the other post…
HOLY SHIT! WOW!!! You look amazing!!!!!!! What a pretty trim lady you are! CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Laura @ GotChocolate.com\’s last blog post is here ..Floating in Chocolate?
Congratulations!
I joined Weight Watchers Online at the end of last year and have just hit my first major plateau. Your experience might just be the boost I needed.
I’ve lost 30 pounds since my horrible moment of photo-induced realization, although at 6′ I think it’s less obvious than your total transformation.
I haven’t been brave enough to take the After photo yet, but now I’m inspired to get better about counting and staying on track.
This is an incredible story. What a difference! We’re all curious how you did it and what roadblocks you encountered, but I’ll read that post next. Great job.
Amy@Weight Loss Before After\’s last blog post is here ..Weight Loss Before After Video
Twitter: handshouseheart
June 22, 2010 at 5:27 pm
You look stunning! I’m so happy for you…you must feel absolutely awesome!!
Kristen\’s last blog post is here ..What’s the big deal? {Tweet Me Tuesday}
Fist-pump FOR YOU! One thing though… did your skin get all shiny and clear just by losing weight? I’m having terrible acne right now and my doctor says it’s just the extra weight. Is that true?
(pls use the comment w/o the link. TY!)
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