A few things about Facebook

by Creative Junkie on February 2, 2011

Last week, an old boyfriend sent me a friend request through Facebook but I didn’t realize he was an old boyfriend at first because almost thirty years have passed since we dated and I use that term loosely since I’m not sure if making out on the couch for hours at a time constitutes actual dating but regardless, I didn’t recognize his name right away so I let his request sit idle for a couple of days while I racked my brain trying to remember who he was and considering I am terrible with names and often refer to my own kids as Stretch Marks #1-80 and #81-200, remembering a name from thirty years ago was nearly impossible.

Do I win something for writing the longest sentence in the history of ever?

Eventually I recalled his name and had an aha! moment and can I just say how refreshing it is to have an aha! moment that is not accompanied by a 60 watt light bulb hovering over an apparition of a trash can with a pedal-operated lid? If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you obviously don’t own a seven pound puppy who likes to feast on bloody feminine hygiene products he fishes out of the garbage because he thinks he’s half-vampire.

If memory served, my old boyfriend was a good kisser. And he taught me how to look right, then left, then right again before making a left hand turn. Just to clarify, that was while I was learning how to drive. In a car. I wasn’t anywhere near a couch when those instructions were given. Oh, and he once gave me a picture of himself so that I could hang it in my locker as proof that I wasn’t totally repulsive to the male species. SO THERE, WORLD. Therefore, I accepted his friend request despite the fact that when he broke up with me, he asked for that picture back. I wound up giving him back his picture and he wound up giving me mono. Seeing as how I missed two weeks of school and didn’t have to smell my obscenely obese French teacher for fourteen whole days, it wasn’t such a bad deal.

It took a long time for me to become interested in Facebook. I put it off for as long as I could because I was already spending an enormous amount of time online and the last thing I needed was yet one more bloated, engorged, time-sucking leech upon my day. Especially on Tuesdays because it was all I could do to keep up with the Law & Order: SVU marathons on that day. Hellooooooo Detective Stabler. You and your manly man tattoos are absolutely yummy.

I need a moment.

Where was I?

So I managed to avoid Facebook for awhile but as is often the case when people around me are involved in something and I’m not and I’m left alone to yell WHERE THE HELL DID EVERYONE GO to anyone who will listen which is no one because they’re all too busy updating their status on Facebook, I resigned myself to my fate and hopped on the crowded bandwagon and opened up a Facebook account. And then I created a fan page for my blog as well.

I’ve been on Facebook for awhile now and I quite like it. I’ve connected with so many old friends and made quite a few new friends and I just enjoy my time there. However, it took a little bit of work to get to that point.

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STUFF I’VE LEARNED ABOUT FACEBOOK

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FIRST STUFF

In my opinion, Facebook is a bitch to navigate and when I say bitch, I mean it in the most vile, obnoxious, sadistic, wrinkly-old-hag-with-a-prolapsed-uterus sense of the word. Last week, I had to enlist the help of my friend Heather to find where on Facebook I could search for people via school or workplace. Heather kept sending me emails with instructions and screenshots and I’d send her my own screenshots with emails entitled I ARE STUPID wherein I cried like a baby and asked for her best guesstimate as to when I became an utter and complete moron. She said she didn’t know but thought it might have been last October, right around the time when we were planning lunch and she proposed any day but Wednesday and I responded with Perfect! Wednesday it is! See you at noon!

We hopped on the chat feature and she tried to guide me from there and we soon realized that I was seeing something completely different on Facebook than what she was seeing and I immediately assumed that it was some vast conspiracy by the entire Internet, or my kids, to get me the hell off Facebook. Heather disagreed and said it was probably some personal vendetta that Mark Zuckerberg had against me. Because she likes to screw with my psyche and knows perfectly well that saying something like that to a paranoid freak of nature like me is exactly like donating a case of free ephedrine to a meth lab except without all the felonies. But having never met Zuckerberg, I thought it an unlikely scenario until I remembered that stranger things have happened. Once, when Nate and I were on our honeymoon three thousand miles away in San Francisco, we walked right passed the woman who had been in charge of our wedding dinner in New York three weeks prior, the same woman who had been refusing to credit our charge card for the double payment we made for that dinner and when I say “we” I obviously mean Nate because I am anal about money and Nate spends $25 on football jerseys for puppies who think they’re vampires.

I wanted to tackle this woman, extract her plasma, sell it for some spending money and then fling her off the Golden Gate Bridge but Nate didn’t want to get arrested on our honeymoon if it wasn’t going to be for anything sexual so we let her go. We were ultimately refunded the duplicate payment upon our return to New York but that’s not the point. The point is that weird things do happen and while I’ve never met Zuckerberg, I can tell you that while I was chatting with Heather, the page I was searching for on Facebook magically appeared after I refreshed my screen for the twenty-seventh time and then it disappeared all over again. So Zuckerberg probably does hate me. Which just goes to show you that just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

SECOND STUFF

When I peruse my news feed, I like to actually be interested in what I’m reading. For the record, I am not interested in reading about games. I do not care about who is killing who in some virtual gangster crime family nor am I interested in reading posts asking for three more goats to fertilize a make believe farm in East Jesus and the only way I want to find out about who will dominate the culinary world is by watching Top Chef because Tom Colicchio is strangely hot and I want to be Padma when I grow up except without the wicked arm scar because I’m allergic to pain.

It’s not that I don’t like games because I do. Especially family games! Except for Risk because I’m not into world domination if Anderson Cooper isn’t on the scene and reporting live from my lap and honestly, if you’re married to Nate who is a bit obsessed with this game, Risk is nothing but a divorce or a blunt force trauma to the head waiting to happen. And speaking of games, can I just say that Parcheesi gets a raw deal? That game is fun and would probably be played more if it had a better sounding name instead of one that sounds like some sort of ancient fungus.

If I could remember the person who told me how to delete these kinds of posts from my wall, I’d send him or her one of those edible arrangement things but a really small one because hello? Those things are expensive as hell. And for what? It’s scoops of cantaloupe and some apple wedges. What am I missing?

THIRD STUFF

Likewise, if I wanted to read a litany of vents and complaints and accusations that people suck and are constantly out to get you, I’d just as soon call my mom and tell her to email me about the time she went to the movies and had to pay $4.25 for bottled water. Reading an occasional bitch fest or vent bender on Facebook is fine but 24/7? Just start a blog already. I did.

Oh, and religous stuff? I don’t need to be saved on Facebook. That’s what Nutella is for.

FOURTH STUFF

I am really hesitant to accept people as friends if I’m not sure how I know them. If we have mutual friends in common or they’ve been referred by another friend, it’s no biggie and more than likely I’ll accept the request because I’m all about trusting the judgment of people whom I’ve never actually met or haven’t seen in thirty years but if we don’t have any mutual friends, then a little personal message with your request would be helpful, i.e., Hey Andy! Remember me? We once peed in a sandbox together! I think it was your 21st birthday. How the hell are you?

FIFTH STUFF

If you are an assy douche noodle who got your rocks off by humiliating me in front of your friends in the senior hallway back in high school, then I don’t want to be your friend on Facebook and I don’t care how many requests you send or how many people suggest you or how many times you tried to talk to me at our reunion. If your colossal display of moral turpitude with a drunken, female classmate at the reunion is any indication, you haven’t changed a bit. You are nothing but a skank with a penis. However, I do appreciate the opportunity to use “moral turpitude” in a sentence other than “How can I use moral turpitude in a sentence?” So, thanks for that. Now, take your skanky penis and go away.

How many of you out there are on Facebook? What have you learned so far?

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23 comments

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

1
Stan February 2, 2011 at 8:56 am

Oooooo! (Stan waving his hand high in the air to be called on!)

Here’s what I’ve learned:

They will change the entire layout just when you think you have it kinda figured out and know where everything is. They won’t ask your opinion. It will suck more than it does now.

All guaranteed to happen soon.

Stan at Scrappers Workshop
http://www.scrappersworkshop.com
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2
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself
Twitter: MissusSmith
February 2, 2011 at 8:57 am

Hee!

I can’t wait for the edible arrangement to be delivered, but please, can I not have the one with cantaloupes? I’m not a cantaloupe fan, really.

You *know* I’m all about the Book of Face, even when it is a total PITA.

Also, when are we having lunch? :-D
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3
Ann Murphy February 2, 2011 at 9:00 am

Loved this article! I am always amazed at the number of people in High School who friend me…people who could have cared less about my existence.

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4
Jennifer-Eighty MPH Mom February 2, 2011 at 10:09 am

You are too funny – and yes, that first paragraph…err…sentence was IMPRESSIVE!

I love Facebook, but sometimes I have no idea how I know the person who sends me a friend request. I end up with so many “friends”. Periodically I go through and “unfriend” the people I haven’t had any interaction with on Facebook. That does help :)

Great post!

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5
elizabeth holder February 2, 2011 at 10:14 am

ok-
you are so dam funny – you make my morning’s when I read your blog
and I think you have summed it up completely how I feel about FB too -
although it can get addicting – then i have to realize how much time is wasted reading other’s peoples rants and raves
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6
Ellie
Twitter: elliejf
February 2, 2011 at 11:11 am

OMG you are so funny. Where do you come up with this stuff? I actually have a reminder set on my email calendar to read your blog daily. Your blog and a cup of nice flavored coffee and I am good to go!!! I have to set the reminder only because well I’m 51 and have memory lapses. lol I am a Facebook addict and get all kinds of friend requests from people I have no idea who they are.
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7
photojenic February 2, 2011 at 11:19 am

I know how to get rid of the games in the newsfeed. Unfortunately it tends to weed out pictures too, but if all you really want is status updates this trick will work.

On the News Feed page, just to the right of “News Feed” (and below the blue FB line) you will see “Top News * Most Recent.” Click once on “Most Recent” and it will turn black and have a little drop down arrow. Click it again and the drop down menu will appear. Click on “Status Updates” and all the game garbage will disappear. Ta-da!

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8
Nicole Birdeau-Rabalais February 2, 2011 at 11:24 am

I have learned that there are people out there who collect friends just for the sake of having a huge number show up on their profile page…Friends (2,693). Seriously? Are these friends? Or are they people whose paths you have crossed? Or people you met at a seminar and requested your Friend Request because they collect “friends” too? Frankly, I don’t except requests from or send requests to people I really want to be in touch with again. I’ve had a lot of people send me requests and I can’t help thinking…Hello? We never even SPOKE to one another in high school! Why the hell would I accept a friend request from you????

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9
Carolyn
Twitter: CarolynRva
February 2, 2011 at 11:52 am

First may I just say: “. . . but Nate didn’t want to get arrested on our honeymoon if it wasn’t going to be for anything sexual so we let her go. ” –> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! I don’t know why, but I found this *extremely* funny! THANKS!

Second, I think I know how to block those thingies. So if you want, dm me on Twitter and I’ll try to walk you through it. Though I reserve the right to pull a Heather and screw with your psyche if it gets to be too hard to help you.

And third, AMEN SISTA! Why in God’s name would I *ever* want to *friend* someone who was a jackass to me in high school? Seriously? I take great pleasure in snubbing all the snotty snots (boys and girls) from high school.
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10
stacey@Havoc&Mayhem February 2, 2011 at 12:03 pm

If you click on the x in the upper left corner of a game update, it will give you the option to never ever see an update for that game again. This made me stay on Facebook because I play no games & do not want to know about them. I’m glad for the girl from my 10th grade bio class that she is kicking ass at scrabble today. But I really don’t care to hear about it every single time she plays. And she plays many many times a day.

I’ve learned another old friend apparently only gets on Facebook when she is drunk and missing her ex husband & then she quotes country music lyrics about how much she wants him back. Sadly there is no ‘ignore drunken posting’ button. And it turns out the class clown from all through high school is quite talented at haikus & he posts new ones daily
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11
Margareta from Paper Pile Kitten's Blog February 2, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I almost never use Facebook anymore. It’s great for finding and keeping in touch with old friends but I’m tired of hanging around there every day.
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12
Claire Gutschow February 2, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Love your post. And I too firmly believe in the separation of church and facebook. I mean seriously people, isn’t that written in the constitution or something? If not, it should be. Right after the right to bare arms. Sleeves are SO over-rated.
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13
JennyLilac February 2, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I love FB. It is my best friend. Actually I love it so much because most of my real friends are on there, and it is so much easier to update statuses than email each person individually about every little thing, and I can comment and love them up and see their pictures with almost no trouble at all. I even talk to my dad who I wasn’t in good touch with for years. That is why I love FB.

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14
Melissa February 2, 2011 at 5:08 pm

OK, so a friend suggested your blog to me. I’m so glad she did. I just about peed myself while reading this – it reminded me greatly when certain family members signed up for FaceBook….by the way, it is a conspiracy and you aren’t the only one Zuckerberg is targeting. Thanks for the humor. It was greatly appreciated!

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15
Ann February 2, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I’ve learned that 40 year old women regress into hormonal middle schoolers when allowed to use Facebook. I don’t want to read cryptic status messages and guess who you may or not be mad at. I want to look at people’s pictures and read and write funny statuses.
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16
dysfunctional mom February 2, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Today on Facebook I learned that Anderson Cooper got punched in the head 10 times in Egypt, which immediately made me think of you, at which time I learned that I probably spend too much time online, after which I learned that I don’t care, I’ll spend as much time online as I want, thank you very much.

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17
Virginia from That Bald Chick
Twitter: ladyvdzine
February 3, 2011 at 5:48 am

I’ve learned how to hide people from my feed. Isn’t that great? I don’t necessarily want to un-friend them, because hey, they might have a low self esteem and try to blame me for the sky falling and smacking them in their narcissistic egomaniacal head and then rush full steam ahead in saying that I am responsible for the ruination of their over inflated sense of entitlement but oh-my-no-body-cares-about-me-day. So, I just hide them. That way, when I decide I am remotely interested in their 9743 complaint of the day, I can still find them, but, when I am not they don’t clog up my feed with bitter sentiment. Yay.
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18
kristin
Twitter: kwr221
February 3, 2011 at 7:50 am

Hi? Remember me? I’m the one who stalked you and convinced you to have lunch with me and Heather.
You are still so very funny and I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged or read blogs in a gajillion years!
I blame Facebook, of course.

Lunch sometime soon? But NOT on a Wednesday. Fridays are good. :-)

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19
Janmary, you KNOW where I am!
Twitter: Janmary3
February 3, 2011 at 8:47 am

I block all game updates …. Especially about farms and aquariums.

But I DO love it for the “normal” news – i’m not including farms and rants as normal!

I have a personal page, a blog fan page and now a Janmary Designs business page – not planning to create any more …. that’s more than enough for me.

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20
Amanda @ Confessions From HouseholdSix
Twitter: householdsix
February 3, 2011 at 11:51 am

First I’ve learned that Facebook is a total time succubus.

Second – Zuma blitz is pure evil, but I skip the part where I can post everything I do in the game to my wall because I hate that crap as much as the next person in my news feed.

Third – I chat with friends too much on there.

Fourth – People I wasn’t friends with in high school magically want to be my friend now. We weren’t friends then, we haven’t talked since weu graduated, therefore, we still aren’t friends now.
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21
Katrina February 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Aw, man! You too?

I am steadfastly resisting the pull of the Facebook. My official excuse is that my friends all have my number and email address and can call/write whenever they need to get in touch with me. I truly don’t need my scary ex or the girls who made fun of me in high school to find/contact/”friend” me.

Secretly, though, I am convinced that it will eat my soul and I will become a zombie lost in its thrall forever.

Will.not.surrender… :D
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22
Shop with Me Mama
Twitter: shopwithmemama
February 3, 2011 at 8:23 pm

LOL! Skanky penis!! woohoo!! I know a few of those! I too, do not like being IM’d on facebook to “vote for me, last day!!” I dont even know who the person is, but they are my friend, mmmkay, I need to go through the friends I guess?? I have learned that you don’t air your dirty filthy laundry, especially when you have friended 1230080809221 people, just because they requested you to do so… Okay, I guess I have not learned anything, but man your post is entertaining and I love it!
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