Weekend regurgitation: Using the Charlie Sheen rehab philosophy to break my puppy’s pooping habit

by Creative Junkie on March 6, 2011

We brought Oliver home to live with us when he was eight weeks old which was almost exactly one year ago today. Our lives have never been the same. Nor have our carpets.

I did not know how much I could adore an animal until we got Ollie. I had never considered myself a dog person and even today, dog slobber still makes my skin crawl right off my body and hide under the sink. I thought I’d simply be tolerating a dog for the kids’ sake but holy flippin’ jeebers, I love this little guy. It’s just the two of us together five days out of seven and he spends his time sleeping on my lap or on my feet or following me all around the house, so much so that I have to be careful not to stop in mid-stride lest he bonk his nose on my ankle.

Unfortunately, he has developed a Pavlovian response to couches in that, when he sees one, he automatically poops behind it. Just yesterday, while on one of my routine couch checks, I was all SHIT SHIT SHIT! Somebody get me some tiger blood, Adonis DNA and the drug called Charlie Sheen. YOU’RE GOING TO KICK THIS HABIT, OLIVER, AND BE A WINNER. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Everything after “but” is dial tone anyway.

And Oliver was all Would you mind sitting down while you’re having a psychotic break? I need a lap. I’m exhausted.

I leave you with the post I wrote soon after we brought Ollie home, about my first impressions on raising a puppy.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

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First impressions on raising a puppy

(originally published March 9, 2010)

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What in God’s name was I smoking when I agreed to this?

Whatever it was? I’d like some more, please.

Having a puppy is almost like having a newborn baby, except that my boobs are not engorged and I can’t shoot my uterus across the room by sneezing.

A newborn baby is easier than a puppy because newborn babies come with diapers.

Puppy diapers are truly an excellent idea. Someone go invent them. Thank you.

I’m worried people are going to think I shrunk a real dog in the dryer.

You can turn a tiny, happy puppy into a furious, demented hyena simply by placing him in a crate.

If you’d prefer a screeching, rabid, pissed-off, psychotic hyena instead, one who acts as if his testicles are being french braided and then pureed in a Cuisinart, place that tiny, happy puppy in a crate and then walk out of the room.

I will never take another shower in peace and quiet.

I don’t remember what peace and quiet sounds like.

Puppies keep your feet warmer than fleece slippers.

There is something to be said for unconditional love that doesn’t come equipped with an I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO LAUNDRY? OH MY GOD, I CAN’T WEAR THIS! MY LIFE SUCKS gene.

Puppy breath smells like ass. With infected hemorrhoids.

Dog food and treats don’t smell much better.

I thought I’d never meet another mammal who could produce ten times its weight in pee within a 24 hour period without benefit of a raging bladder infection.

Puppies are mammals, right?

Puppies are softer than clouds.

Puppy poop looks like milk chocolate covered pretzels.

Puppy poop on cream carpet looks like dark chocolate covered pretzels.

My carpet is scared.

I am scared.

I now know what it feels like to have my own personal stalker.

I did not think it was possible to love any living thing like I do my own kids.

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12 comments

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

1
Jennifer March 6, 2011 at 9:32 am

Ollie is a doll! It really is different having a dog inside; a lot to get used to. :) Love the Charlie Sheen reference though; you literally had me LOL! Hope Ollie can kick that habit soon! :)

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2
Gina March 6, 2011 at 9:56 am
3
Anne March 6, 2011 at 11:00 am

Ahhh puppy love! Mine is 3 now but still as crazy as always and I LOVE her. She’s a Springer Spaniel and I swear I know why she is called a springer…. she’s is like a wound up spring that can’t stop jumping up and running and wagging every inch of her body. In medical terms… she has ADHD for sure! I’m sure people look at me and her and say…ummmm can you please curb your dog’s enthusiasm. And I’m like “Heck No”… that’s what I love about her!
Anne recently posted..Diarrhea At Disney!My Profile

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4
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself
Twitter: MissusSmith
March 6, 2011 at 12:26 pm

OLLIE!!!! Pretty, pretty please smuggle him along to lunch in your purse tomorrow? PLEASE? :-D I mean, as long as you don’t have a couch in there, he should be good to not do any business on your wallet or keys….
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself recently posted..Heather vs Potted Plant- Possibly too close to callMy Profile

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5
Lisa
Twitter: lisanoel03
March 6, 2011 at 9:49 pm

I’m not convinced CHarlie Sheen is house broken…hope you have better luck with your puppy :)
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6
blueviolet @ A Nut in a Nutshell March 7, 2011 at 10:22 am

Your little pooper is completely adorable! I hope the behind the couch drops end soon!
blueviolet @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..Making a Difference in Less than 60 Seconds a Day &8211 Share Your Breakfast!My Profile

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7
Janessa March 7, 2011 at 10:50 am

Hahaha! What a cute puppy!! Good luck with the training, and stay firm on the crate training, it will be super helpful in the long run.
Janessa recently posted..Take That- Orange Death!My Profile

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8
Shop with Me Mama
Twitter: shopwithmemama
March 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

LMAO! But he is sooooo cute!!!!!

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9
Blommi
Twitter: TwiMommi
March 7, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Oliver is soooooo much cuter than Charlie ever was.
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10
Dee@Cocktails with Mom March 8, 2011 at 10:26 am

Such a cutie pie you have there. You’re right on so many things. I did not know what I was getting into when my hubby brought our little Spinna home. Life as we know it will never be the same.

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11
Dee@Cocktails with Mom March 8, 2011 at 10:27 am

oh btw, crate training works wonders for the pooping.

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12
TJ March 8, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Actualy, there are dog diapers: http://www.seasonals.com/ Lol. :-)
TJ recently posted..Medela Products ReviewMy Profile

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