A 44 year old, two 17 year olds and a 10 year old sit at a bar. OK. It was in a car, but that’s beside the point …

by Creative Junkie on May 6, 2011

Me: Helena, promise me that when Zoe goes off to college next year, you’re not going to go off the deep end.

Helena: I’m pretty sure I’m not the one who’s going to go off the deep end, Mom.

Me: Be that as it may, I’m worried that without your sister here, you’re going to feel some sort of void in your life and you’re going to try to fill it by acting out for attention and hanging around with the wrong crowd in middle school and letting your grades drop and, God forbid, turning to drinking or drugs.

Helena: Oh.My.Gosh.

Me: Promise me you won’t have sex and get pregnant.

Helena (mouth agape): MOMMMMM! STOP IT.

Me: Just promise me you won’t wind up pregnant and never graduate and live in our basement with my grandkids for the rest of your life.

Helena: I’M TEN! And besides, our basement is gross. It smells.

Me: You’re ten now. You won’t be ten forever. Do you remember all the things we discussed about sex?

Helena: Mom! You’re the only one who’s going to lose her mind when Zoe goes to college! I’m going to stay normal.

Me: Humor me, OK? Tell me what we discussed about sex. Go ahead.

Helena: I DON’T WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.

Me: Do you remember all the stuff we talked about?

*Silence*

Me: Well?

*Silence*

Me: You don’t remember anything? Nothing? At all? None of our talks? Penis? Vagina? Sperm? Egg? Any of this ringing a bell?

Helena: OH MY GOSH. Can you stop talking now?

Me: What does it mean when you get your period? You know it’s going to happen to you soon enough, right? So, what does it mean?

Helena: STOP IT.

Me: Answer me and I’ll stop it.

Helena (covering face with hands): Kill me now.

Me: I’m waiting.

Helena: UGH! It means you can have a baby. OK? Can we just go to Starbucks now?

Me: And how do you …

Helena: YOU JUST SAID YOU WOULD STOP IT.

Me: And how do you make a baby? Explain.

Helena: I bet none of my friends have to do this. I bet they get to go to Starbucks like normal people. And I bet they get to watch Glee. Why can’t I watch Glee?

Me: Never mind that. Explain sex to me.

Helena: How come we can talk about sex but I can’t watch Glee? Hmmm?

Me: You are evading the question. And don’t ask me what evading means, you know perfectly well what it means.

Helena: MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM! UGH!

Me: I can wait all day. You know I can.

Helena: OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. FIIIIIIIIIIINE.

*mumbles something*

Me: What? What did you say?

*mumbles louder*

Me (in a sing-song voice): I can’t hear you!

Helena: UGH!!!!! I SAID THE “P” GOES INTO THE “V.”

Me: And the correct terminology would be …?

Helena: NO.

Me: Why can’t you say “penis” or “vagina?”

Helena (covering ears): OH MY GOSH.

Me: Helena, you’re being ridiculous.

Helena: NO, I’M BEING TEN!

*pulling up to school*

*Zoe and her friend Nicole hop into the car*

Nicole: Hi!

Zoe: Hey, Mom. Hey, Helena. So guess what? Today, I was going to biology and … wait. What’s wrong?

*Silence*

Zoe: Helena? Mom? What’s going on? Am I in trouble?

Helena: Mom wants to have the sex talk again.

Nicole: Again? Wow.

Zoe (rolling eyes): Why? Was Glee on last night?

Helena: Hah! I knew that’s why you won’t let me watch it! Geez, I can talk about sex but I can’t watch Glee. This world doesn’t make sense.

Zoe (sighing): So who slept with who last night? Who’s pregnant now? Who is glamorizing sex and setting a horrible example for the rest of us? What happened?

Helena: I KNEW IT!

Me: What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. You went to college and left a gaping void in Helena’s life which she will attempt to fill with illegal substances and the hot lacrosse player down the street. Oh, and your sister can’t say the words penis and vagina. Just a heads up.

Zoe: I’m not going to college until next year, Mom. And I think we all know who’s going to have a gaping void in her life. Why can’t you say penis, Helena?

Helena: That’s EXACTLY what I said. I mean, about the gaping void thing. That other word is just gross.

Me: Look, I simply want to make sure we are all on the same page.

Zoe: Mom, we’re ALWAYS on the same page. We’ve been reading the same book FOREVER.

Nicole: That was funny, Zoe.

Me: I’m just making sure. Would you rather I be the kind of mom who freaks out at the mere mention of sex? Want me to be Amish?

*Confused silence*

Me: Wait. I meant Mormon. Didn’t I? Wait. I did mean Mormon, didn’t I?

Zoe: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Helena: Neither do I.

Nicole: Same here.

Me: Never mind. Now, what do I always say about sex? Do you have to be married to have it?

Zoe & Helena (rolling eyes and answering in unison): No.

Me: But?

Zoe & Helena & Nicole (in unison): But you highly recommend it.

Me: What can happen if you have unprotected sex?

Helena: You can get pregnant!

Zoe: You can get an STD!

Nicole: You can get crabs!

*everyone looks at Nicole*

Nicole (surprised): What? You can! I read it somewhere. They’re like lice in your pubic hair. Look it up.

*Silence*

Nicole: Awkward.

Helena (eyes bugging out of head): OH.MY.GOSH. EVERYONE STOP TALKING.

Zoe: I think Nicole should get a prize for best answer.

Me: When are you ready to have sex?

Nicole: Prom night?

*I have a seizure*

Nicole: Kidding! Just kidding! You guys have the best conversations.

Zoe: UGH. Seriously Mom?

Me: The longer you delay, the longer this goes on. Treat it like a Band Aid. The quicker you rip it off, the quicker it’s all over.

Zoe & Helena (rolling eyes and answering in unison like robots): You should have sex when you are in loving, committed, monogamous relationship and you’re old enough to be responsible for all the possible repercussions of having sex, including pregnancy, disease and surprise YouTube videos.

Me: Which is when?

Zoe & Helena: When you and Dad are dead or we’re thirty, whichever comes first.

Me: See? Was that so bad? Now, who’s up for some Starbucks? Unless someone wants to explain to me how a condom works first? Didn’t think so.

.

.

 

22 comments

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

1
Barb
Twitter: barbhogan
May 6, 2011 at 9:01 am

LOL.
Barb recently posted..It NEVER EndsMy Profile

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2
Ann May 6, 2011 at 9:03 am

I really needed that this morning! Thanks for the laughs, as always.
Ann recently posted..Finished table &amp mirrorMy Profile

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3
Lynsey @MoscatoMom May 6, 2011 at 9:05 am

This is SO the conversation I can see happening when my now 11 year old goes to college and leaves her now 5 year old sister behind, ROFL. Thank you for the giggle this morning.
Oh, and for what it is worth, my nearly 12 year old wont say penis or vagina either LOL
Lynsey @MoscatoMom recently posted..Living Well Wednesday – May 4- 2011My Profile

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4
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself
Twitter: MissusSmith
May 6, 2011 at 9:49 am

“When you and Dad are dead or we’re thirty, whichever comes first.”

Amen.

Can I send my almost-8 year old along for one of these car rides? You do this so much better than I do. ;-)
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself recently posted..Oh- that wascally wabbit!My Profile

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5
Mary Sproles Martin May 6, 2011 at 10:37 am

This had me laughing out loud and freaking out at the same time … my girls are 15 and 10 … and my son is 13 … way too funny. Thanks again. I think you’re brilliant (for the record).

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6
stacey@Havoc&Mayhem May 6, 2011 at 10:49 am

Nicole is awesome! I’m looking forward to this conversation with my little males in a couple of years
stacey@Havoc&Mayhem recently posted..Vanity- Martha &amp Common Sense have an argumentMy Profile

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7
Melissa May 6, 2011 at 10:53 am

OMG! That is too funny. Been there done that, only with boys. I don’t who was traumatized the most, my sons or husband.
Melissa recently posted..May Show &amp Tell and A Little HumorMy Profile

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8
Heather T.
Twitter: heather_t_
May 6, 2011 at 10:56 am

*giggles* Wow, I know when I was 10 I didn’t have that kind of conversation… But when I was 16, right before I came over to the States, I saw “Grease” and started freaking out because I was worried all high schools were like that, so I got on the pill…
Heather T. recently posted..MScraps Blog Train Freebie!My Profile

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9
Janmary, N Ireland
Twitter: Janmary3
May 6, 2011 at 10:59 am

You do the best talks! – can you make a you tube video for us, and we can just force our kids to listen to you instead of us?

Thanks :)
Janmary, N Ireland recently posted..Sunday morning at White Rocks strand- N Ireland FlickrMy Profile

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10
Amanda @ Confessions From HouseholdSix
Twitter: householdsix
May 6, 2011 at 11:19 am

LMAO! I have to admit I’m kinda on the same page with Helena though.
Amanda @ Confessions From HouseholdSix recently posted..How Deployment Affected This Military SpouseMy Profile

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11
RJFerret
Twitter: RJFerret
May 6, 2011 at 11:49 am

LOL…

I like Nicole, she’s funny!

PS: You’ve already gone off the deep end.

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12
kiku May 6, 2011 at 12:21 pm

lol I needed a good laugh this morning. Thanks. I like JanMary’s idea too ;)

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13
Sam
Twitter: kidsumers
May 6, 2011 at 1:41 pm

LOL…I love it. I wish my mother had conversations like that with me. Then maybe I would not have been a mom at 19, lol.
Sam recently posted..Wow- that’s a lot of winners!My Profile

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14
esther_a May 6, 2011 at 7:32 pm

How do you capture these conversations so perfectly?!! We’ve had exactly that “I’M NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION” and “OH MY GOSH. Can you stop talking now?” and the “mumble mumble… FINE”. Perhaps my Zoe and your Elena are twins – except my Zoe is 15 ;)

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15
Blissful Babe
Twitter: BlissfulBabe
May 7, 2011 at 8:18 am

You NEVER cease to crack me up. I think I may have spewed some milk out my nose.
Blissful Babe recently posted..Pain in theMy Profile

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16
Alison May 7, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Hahahaha I am so glad you are not my mom.
Alison recently posted..Country Crock is Spreading the Love of Vegetables! 200 AMEX GC Giveaway Plus More!My Profile

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17
SWJenn
Twitter: ScrapprsWkshp
May 7, 2011 at 5:08 pm

so, if I email this to my kids, can I count that as having “the talk”?
SWJenn recently posted..Tornados Destroy our TownMy Profile

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18
Jill/Twipply Skwood May 7, 2011 at 5:39 pm

OH! It’s WAY better with a FRIEND in the car, isn’t it?!?!?!?!? Says the woman who dropped her 15 year old in the carpool line of her very religious school yelling out after her, “Ok! Remember that hugging boys makes them want sex!” Not that they’re allowed to hug at school, but still! You gotta make sure they know these things. VERY funny post!!!! (as always)
Jill/Twipply Skwood recently posted..Pictures of My Boy Not Getting His Toes Run Over in JerusalemMy Profile

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19
Shop with Me Mama (Kim)
Twitter: shopwithmemama
May 7, 2011 at 10:57 pm

OMG. Hilarious!!!!

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20
Amruta June 2, 2011 at 7:04 am

LOL!! Just started reading your blog. Hilarious! And you sound so much like my mother. Kept going into flashback mode the whole time!

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21
Dave Ciulla July 20, 2011 at 8:53 pm

And I thought my mom was relentless. Damn! Post more! I am dying to read more of these amazing family discussions. Although, now I am grossed out by Nicole. I think somebody should wash her or something. Take her to the car wash and scrub her down….like ewwwww….

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22
Alisha July 5, 2012 at 7:56 am

You are officially my hero. This is so what I expect conversations with my girls to sound like in a few more years. They are 6 and 8 right now and are already pretty close.

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