Much to my surprise, I did not accidentally asphyxiate my ass

by Creative Junkie on August 18, 2011

A summary of what I’ve been up to this past month. Just in case anyone thought I fell off the face of the planet!

Not that I didn’t seriously consider it.

Kidding!

Kind of.

***********************************

I didn’t fall off the face of the planet.

I worked on my resume. This consisted of me agonizing for days over how to explain my eleven year absence from the work force, as well as finding a creative way to make cleaning up bodily fluids sound like a marketable skill.

I questioned my existence.

I perused the job listings on Craigslist and decided I wasn’t qualified to do anything.

I perused the personals on Craigslist and decided cleaning up bodily fluids was a marketable skill after all.

I sanitized my eyeballs with bleach.

I perused the job listings on Craigslist once more and sent my resume off to the only one that I thought I might qualify for a/k/a one that didn’t make me feel like a big, fat loser.

I received a phone call requesting an interview.

I fainted from shock.

I texted my friend Heather HOLY DAMN JESUS, WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL WAS I THINKING? WHY DOESN’T SOMEONE PUNCH ME WHEN I’M BEING STUPID? That was panic for I have nothing to wear.

I went through my closet.

I found 388 pairs of sweats and Old Navy t-shirts, all hanging by threads and held together by holes.

I cried.

I went shopping.

I bought a pair of dress pants and a blouse.

I bought these shoes:

I decided these shoes were totally inappropriate and impractical and ridiculous.

I decided I didn’t care.

I went on my first interview in over twenty years, 4.5 inches taller.

I got the job.

I fainted from shock.

I put band-aids on my blisters and hobbled off to the mall.

I bought some new pants and skirts and tops.

I was told by my seventeen year old daughter that the outline of my granny pantylines could be clearly seen through my new pants and skirts and that I had to wear a thong.

I said HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I said returning to work after an eleven year absence was hard enough without having to walk around with a 100% cotton colonoscopy under my skirt.

I yelled YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

I stood in the lingerie department of Target while my seventeen year old daughter threw thongs at me and my ten year old daughter looked for a normal family in housewares to adopt her.

I yelled STOP IT and pulled a thong off my head.

She yelled NOT UNTIL YOU BUY ONE and flung another one at me like a slingshot.

I stomped my foot and yelled YOU’RE STILL NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

I left Target with a $3.99 piece of black, lacy dental floss and serious doubts.

I wore the thong under my skirt on my first day of my new job.

My ass did not accidentally inhale my underwear and require the Heimlich maneuver.

I discovered that thongs are actually … comfortable.

I fainted from shock.

***********************************

What have you been up to for the last month?

.

.

51 comments

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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }

1
Mary August 18, 2011 at 8:01 am

Glad you are back! I have missed your humor!!

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2
carolyn
Twitter: CarolynRva
August 18, 2011 at 8:02 am

ANDY! πŸ™‚

Love it. I have felt the same about thongs. Both the before and the after. So I totally can relate. And isn’t that weird? And kind of gross that we are relating about thongs?

So I’m gonna slink of to somewhere safe, like MSNBC, where I don’t comment on stuff, to start feeling normal again.
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3
Rebel Chick Jenn
Twitter: therebelchick
August 18, 2011 at 8:06 am

I adore you, Andy. You make me laugh. I assure you, I am laughing WITH you, not AT you.

Well, maybe a little.

And yes, thongs are totally comfortable. The trick is to BUY THE RIGHT SIZE. πŸ˜‰
Rebel Chick Jenn recently posted..Top Ten Beaches in the World: The Crane in BarbadosMy Profile

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4
kristin August 18, 2011 at 8:09 am

Eww on thongs
yay on the job
and your shoes are so kick-ass that I went to look for them my self, but alas the only ones left were a size 5 which would be worse than a thong for my size 10 feet. So I found another kick-ass pair at Lord And Taylor. I’m in love and now my flip flops are sobbing

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5
Amanda
Twitter: householdsix
August 18, 2011 at 8:16 am

Love the shoes! Yay for the job! And welcome to the dark side. I’m not sure if cookies are appropriate when talking about thongs. But yes, if you buy the right size they are comfy. Although, I do actually prefer the skinnier g-string. It just depends on the brand. Some make their thongs too wide and then they do bunch a little.
Amanda recently posted..Ugly TomatoesMy Profile

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6
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself
Twitter: MissusSmith
August 18, 2011 at 8:24 am

Now, I owned two pairs of thongs from VS back when I was a thin, early-20-something chick. Even back then, I didn’t enjoy them at all. Now that my early-middle-aged ass is approximately the size of Texas and lumpier and saggier than, um, a jumbo bag of cheese curds (sorry, my brain is fogged from sleep deprivation and residual HOLY CRAP THEY CUT INTO MY DAUGHTER’S EYEBALLS freaking out from yesterday’s surgery), there is no way I’d want my buttocks to roam free, without a nice, thick layer of cotton (if not industrial strength spandex) between them and my clothes.

But then, I’m your friend with the paisley granny bloomers, after all. Also the one who taught you the essential skill of saying “buh-bye” when answering the phone at your new job. (Which, by the way: YOU’RE WELCOME.) I also prefer my shoes to come in “Birkenstock” or “clog” variety and my feet fell off just *looking* at that photo. So, in conclusion, I’m not qualified to comment on this matter after all.

πŸ˜€
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself recently posted..Rapture, shmapture.My Profile

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7
Melissa August 18, 2011 at 8:25 am

So glad you’re back! Hope the job works well for you and things are looking up.

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8
Jill/Twipply Skwood August 18, 2011 at 8:30 am

Oh now see my friend told me that thongs are the ONE thing you should NOT buy at Target, because you have to pay more for colonoscopy underwear or they will be uncomfortable. But apparently Target thongs have come a long way in the ten, fifteen years since she told me that. I did have to throw the Target ones away back then and get expensive ones. But maybe I should try the target ones next time! Congrats on the new job!
Jill/Twipply Skwood recently posted..Little Known Occupational Hazzard Revealed: photographers in imminent danger of impaling themselves with their own fingersMy Profile

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9
stacey@Havoc&Mayhem August 18, 2011 at 8:35 am

Love the shoes!!! I’ve tried a few thongs & never been happy with them. Maybe it is a size thing. I’ve never attempted to try them on in the store. Is that even possible? And I am reluctant to buy things I don’t know will fit so the thong remains a no for me.
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10
janmary, N Ireland
Twitter: Janmary3
August 18, 2011 at 9:10 am

Love the shoes – I’ll reserve judgement on the underwear.

So glad to see you here, and delighted that the job is working out for you.

In the last month I have come home from France, and learned to crochet granny squares! (those to facts are not necessarily related!)

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11
nicole August 18, 2011 at 9:44 am

Congrats on the job and on the thong! πŸ™‚

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12
Steffanie
Twitter: steffaniel
August 18, 2011 at 9:52 am

Ok girlie, you’re back and back in fine form! I know this because I snorted coffee all over my laptop by the thong comments. I’ve been wearing thongs for so long that when I did try to wear a pair of granny panties, my ass felt like it was in a suit of armour. I do have to admit though, since I am actually a “Nanny” (x 4), I did think about going back to regular panties. Thankfully that thought didn’t last long. If my little rug rats go blind from seeing Nanny in a thong… so be it.

So glad you’re back with us darlin’. Hope you keep up the writing!
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13
Heather August 18, 2011 at 9:54 am

I hope you love your new job! And I’m glad your ass didn’t choke to death. That would have been sad because even though I’ve never seen your ass….I bet it’s fabulous.
Heather recently posted..Dollies on Death RowMy Profile

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14
Penelope August 18, 2011 at 10:35 am

I would have hired you in those shoes too (but not because they probably made you look hot, because I’m not like that).

Heels give a woman confidence (so if the interviewer was a woman, she likes this about you) and heels put a woman’s tush on a pedestal (so if the interviewer was a man, he liked your butt). Either way, a woman should wear heels on a regular basis. Marilyn Monroe said “Give a woman the right pair of shoes, and she can rule the world”. She was right.
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15
Jenn White
Twitter: ScrapprsWkshp
August 18, 2011 at 11:22 am

Congrats on the job! How could they NOT hire you, really? Have you SEEN the people who apply for jobs these days?
but like Heather said above,” I also prefer my shoes to come in β€œBirkenstock” or β€œclog” variety and my feet fell off just *looking* at that photo. ” those shoes made my feet hurt. But I’m sure they’re very cute, or at least height-inducing on you!

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16
Katrina August 18, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Congratulations Andy, on the new job and the new undies! πŸ˜‰ I’m so glad to see you back!
Katrina recently posted..see you there!My Profile

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17
Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity
Twitter: BabyRocasMama
August 18, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I have missed you! I’m surprised your whole OCD/Germaphobic proclivities didn’t freak at wearing a thong. πŸ˜› And for you to call it comfortable? Did you get new drugs? πŸ˜€
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18
Chris August 18, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Congrats on the new gig, Andy! I however, prefer “cheeky” panties…you get the best of both worlds (no panty lines) and your rear looks fab!

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19
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting August 18, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Please, please, share with me this magical thong you speak of. Every single one I’ve ever owned has felt like it’s sawing my asscheeks in half while it works it’s way up my lady-parts. Not to mention the chafing. YOWZA!

If you’ve found a reasonable one, momma’s gotta know. Granny-panty lines are no fun. Nor is a chafed ass.

(All joking aside, I’ve missed you)
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20
Heather T.
Twitter: heather_t_
August 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I’m so delighted with all your achievements, and hope the girls are ready to do some extra help around the house cleaning up bodily fluids! And Heather Nobody made me laugh too. You guys are great. =)
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21
Amy K
Twitter: amykinnaird
August 18, 2011 at 2:24 pm

The right shoes can totally change your life. Just ask Cinderella! (or Dorothy)

Love my thongs! Rock it. Although under a clingy skirt I often defer to my spanx. Too afraid I will fall off my heels or have my skirt fly up and there I’ll be in all my glory…

The last month? My daughter got engaged and I have spent 44 days (granted, more than a month) trying to stay hydrated while the temps soar over 100 without a single drop of rain.

Welcome back. Good luck with the whole “job” thing.
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22
Zippy Sandler August 18, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Welcome back Andy….love the shoes.
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23
Dee August 18, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Glad to see you back in good form, my friend. Welcome back to the world of work. No power on earth, not even a .357 magnum to my head, would force me to wear a thong. My butt is so large it would disappear and never be seen again anyway. Thousands of years from now they’d find my skeleton and that thing, and wonder what in holy hell kind of civilization were we, to put thongs on our dead, like pantylines matter then…
Dee recently posted..Window Units and WaldoMy Profile

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24
Shop with Me Mama (Kim)
Twitter: shopwithmemama
August 19, 2011 at 12:39 am

LOVE those shoes!!! As for this comment: My ass did not accidentally inhale my underwear and require the Heimlich maneuver. I cannot stop laughing. I love how descriptive you are, love it!! Congrats on the new job and congrats on the thong, LOL!

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25
Jenny August 19, 2011 at 3:08 am

Hi Andy,

Thanks for making me laugh today. You have a great sense of humor and I like it! πŸ™‚
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26
Anne - Mommy Has to Work August 19, 2011 at 6:46 am

Congrats on the job!! I love thongs and yes – the right size helps!
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27
Melissa August 19, 2011 at 9:28 am

Congrats on the job! And the shoes and thong! Huge fears to overcome. πŸ™‚
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28
Krista August 19, 2011 at 3:19 pm

LOL this is fantastic. I am no so sure thongs are comfy though. It’s been about 10-15 years since I tried to wear one. Has there been thong technology that has increased them on the comfy scale?

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29
Krista August 19, 2011 at 3:20 pm

I can’t believe I forgot to congratulate you! Grats!!! And cleaning up bodily fluids= you are able to focus in chaotic environments, able to prioritize, and are detail oriented. Maybe? Oh and I bet you can delegate and work on a team too (making kids do things)

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30
Henrietta
Twitter: ahensnest
August 19, 2011 at 8:17 pm

HaHaHa!! you are just awesomeness πŸ™‚ Congrats on the job!!
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31
monique
Twitter: armsofasister
August 19, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I’m glad you got your funny back! I’m happy you updated your resume and found a job. I wish you all the best. You go girl!
monique recently posted..$25 Walmart Gift Card – Back to School Savings! Ends 08/30My Profile

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32
Cindy W. August 20, 2011 at 8:34 am

Welcome back, you rock. Not only did you get hot shoes but you got a new job, oh and thongs. Sweet (for you anyway). The emergency crews once had to remove the doors on my car with the jaws of life to extricate me. I have the strangest sense that if I tried to wear a thong, same thing would happen requiring the jaws of life but not with such a great result.

I have been working, dating, working, working, dating and working. But other than that and the heat wave that hit MI, it’s been a fabulous summer. Oh and did I mention those 100 FIRST dates that I have been on? Internet dating, ugh!

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33
April Decheine August 20, 2011 at 8:58 am

Loving the shoes and I am with you on where have you been, been awall myself, going to be moving September 15th to a farm/hobby farm.. Well I just need the animals.. But downsizing a bit from where we lived since 2000, all the kids grown now.. What to do with all there kid crap. They don’t want it I have a zillion fricking trophies and placks LOL. Kids get married already and have kids πŸ™‚
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34
Megan August 20, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Congratulations on your new job! Where’s the pics of the thong? πŸ™‚
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35
Cheryl August 21, 2011 at 10:06 am

You are a funny, funny lady.

PS Love the shoes.
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36
Debbie from Illinois August 21, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Congratulations!!! Oh My Gee!!! You crack me up!!!

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37
{Not Quite} Susie Homemaker August 22, 2011 at 1:39 am

Oh my god. You just made me lol. I fainted. πŸ˜‰
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38
1stopmom
Twitter: 1stopmom
August 23, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Congratulations on getting the job!! (and the thong, lol) Love that your daughter was looking for a normal family.
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39
Linda @ My Name is Momma
Twitter: mommytweetsalot
August 24, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I’m really diggin’ those shoes ; )

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40
Robin @ Blommi
Twitter: TwiMommi
August 26, 2011 at 6:24 am

I am glad to hear you survived this ordeal. I am still not convinced about the things though.
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41
Robin @ Blommi
Twitter: TwiMommi
August 26, 2011 at 6:24 am

I meant thongs….although they technically are things…lol

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42
Sarah August 30, 2011 at 1:58 am

Cool,,high heels? just be in yourself and try to be confident,,:):)you can do it..
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43
Reign August 30, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Hahaha! Congrats to your new job! I like the 4.5 sandals, I love the color.
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44
Bobbie September 1, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Oh dear Andrea! This cracked me up more then you will ever know. Tears! Let me know how those thongs work out, would ya?
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45
Carla September 2, 2011 at 6:22 am

Congratulations on getting the new job! I’m a new reader here but this post absolutely had me in fits of giggles, this was quite funny. I never liked thongs though, and I doubt I ever would…

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46
kiku September 4, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Congrats on the new job! Even as a. . . errr. . . ‘younger’ woman I couldn’t do butt floss. My sister swore they actually were comfortable, my behind swore differently. Thanks for making me laugh today πŸ˜€

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47
Arianne May September 6, 2011 at 6:37 am

Ha ha ha, its funny how our kids could be right sometimes. I have a great time reading your story..

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48
Lee September 9, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Hey now, you just be careful you don’t get a bladder infection. I am glad you are “back”.

Lee
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49
John September 11, 2011 at 9:25 pm

I just want to congratulate you for having a new job and I’m very happy to know that. I’m such amazed on your post though I’m a new reader here but this post absolutely had me in fits of giggles, this was quite funny. I never liked thongs though, and I doubt I ever would…

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50
Jenny September 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm

You are so entertaining! I love the shoes!
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51
Dawn C
Twitter: dawnsdailydiggs
November 11, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Love the shoes!

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