If you’ve been around here for awhile, you know that my family has been going through something since June. I’ve been posting sporadically since then and only occasionally referencing the total suckage that has become my life, without getting into detail.
I thought that maybe I had it in me to continue posting innocuous, funny stories and use my blog as an escape from the bitter, harsh reality that I am living.
I admit defeat. The funny continues to elude me. I hope that won’t always be the case. But for the moment, it is.
My blog has always been based on my life. My stories are grounded in truth albeit garnished with a bit of exaggeration. I drew my inspiration from my husband and my kids. And my dog’s poop.
I loved my life. Even the poop behind the couch was expected, a familiar constant, a sign that yes, my life was average and normal and predictable but in a good, comforting way.
There is nothing predictable about my life now. I am struggling to find any source of comfort. I have been thrown into a new normal and I am floundering.
The man I have deeply loved for fourteen years, my husband for the last twelve, with whom I raised a family I adore, the subject of so many stories on this blog, is no longer the man I know. He hasn’t been for some time but I kept fighting to bring him back because denial is a wonderful thing. It shields you from pain so horrendous, you cannot even imagine.
But reality is brutal and merciless and it comes at you at warp speed when you least expect it, cloaked in a frigid coat of betrayal so staggering and cruel, it knocks you breathless and senseless, leaving you doubled-over with gut-wrenching sorrow.
For the preservation of myself and that of our kids, I have made an agonizing decision to separate our lives.
I am inconsolable. I am numb. I feel so empty.
I think I am still in shock.
And I am so profoundly sad that it is hard to simply breathe.
The rational, logical part of me knows that I am a strong woman and that I will be OK. That these were his choices and not a reflection on me. That I’ve already proven I can single parent, having done it for the last two years in one sense or another. That there are still blessings in my life and that I am so incredibly fortunate to have two wonderful daughters who really, if truth be told, are the only reasons I have continued to wake up every morning and get out of bed.
But I cannot reconcile that part of me with the emotional part of me which still cannot grasp the enormity of what has happened to us. The part that is wondering what is wrong with me, why wasn’t I good enough, pretty enough, whatever enough. The part that is heartbroken and feels like a colossal failure. The part that is desperately trying to make sense of this, the part that refuses to believe that the man I so deeply love could have done the things he did, the part that cannot come to grips with the overwhelming loss, the part that can’t look at anything without being blindsided by a memory of our life together.
Memories hurt.
.
.
Like it? Share it! Karma rocks:
{ 115 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
I am filled with shame. I haven’t visited your wonderful blog for awhile and decided to check in on you today. You have inspired me, reeled my up from bad moments, made me laugh exactly when I needed it most and yet I have let you go through this without the benefit of my shoulder to lean on.
I have been where you are and as deep and devastating as it is, it does, truly get better. One day that smile will be real, the hop in your step will be genuine, and you will, once again, be delighted by the little spot of dog poop behind your couch!
Blessings
Toni recently posted..Spam Intervention
Twitter: WellReadReviews
November 20, 2011 at 12:53 pm
Wow. I am really sorry that you are going through this. You have my thoughts.
Allison recently posted..Has anyone heard of JINGIT?
Hey girl! I miss you…hope you have the best Thanksgiving you can have ((hugs)). Thinking about you and the girls
i just read your blog for the first time today, read your visit to Pier ! a year ago christmas, loved your voice….loved your description. so i came onto your blog and read this, your most recent post. i’m sorry for your pain, but you DO know that it’ll go away, right? i wish for you that you are able to never ever re-feel this wound. that it heals and is gone. poof!! men aren’t naturally monogamous creatures….it’s unnatural for them. here’s something a friend of mine always says…. not directed at you, but rather him: Time wounds all heels.
It will get better. In the meantime, it sucks. It’s okay to feel that way, to hurt and to be angry. You are justified in your feelings, don’t deny them. Know that you are good enough, pretty enough, all that you can be, should be, and ought to be. He isn’t. Sad, but true.
Elijah recently posted..how to invest in penny stocks
Yes, sometimes we hope against hope that everything would be fine, we deniably accept that things aren’t going to be just the way it is. I am on stage of putting a barrier between me and my hubby. There is been a lot of constrain between us and I just take one step at a time so when things comes to worst I can acing instantly. I know its hard for you when you least expect being alone. I am sorry for you, hope everything would be fine now with you.
remegios recently posted..On Track Data Recovery
To Quote P!nk “You’re F*#king Perfect to me’. Breathe, hug your girls and know that there is a legion of women all rootin’ for ya.
My ex-husband & I were married for a few months shy of 10 years and we have been divorced for 6 now. Memories never fade or become less painful (despite what others may say) but we have been dating again for a two months shy of a year. He & I are both different people than we were 6 years ago and he hurt our family deeply but with time comes knowledge, wisdom & new memories. I fell upon your blog today & love the refreshing way you put things out there for your readers. Good luck to you.
So i came across your blog just now viwing your cookie mix jars and found that post to be hysterical! Im thinking this girl is ME! SO after I finihsed I clicked around in hopes to laugh at more of your “like me” humor only to find this post. Justabout the same time you posted that I was going through the exact same situation. Your words were like a mirror to my own thoughts and feelings. I hope all is getting better. Im glad I needed a cookie mix jar recipe! Best wishes – from a stranger who hears you.
((hugs)) everything will be alright.
Ethel recently posted..Criminal Assault and Injury Compensation Claims
OMG, I don’t know HOW I missed this post, but HUGE hugs to you!!! BTDT a couple of years ago after 18 years together, and believe me, you’re going to come out on the other side of this shit much stronger. Just hang in there, and keep loving yourself. He doesn’t deserve you, and don’t accept the blame if he tries to lay it at your door. Thinking of you and wishing you and the girls the best.
← Previous Comments