One year later. And my 82 year old mom is texting. It’s a tsunami of crazy.

by Creative Junkie on June 6, 2012

Tonight will be exactly one year since my life shattered into a million little pieces of shit.

A lot has happened in this last year.

So much of it is too horrific for words.

But some of it is actually … well? Surprisingly, some of it is not too awful. Dare I say, maybe even verging on nice?

I never thought I’d be saying that anytime soon.

But shit or shine, I can’t talk about any of it yet. There are trials looming and attorneys everywhere and court dates popping up like zits and it’s all very dramatic and expensive and miserable and blah blah blah.

I can’t wait until it’s all over.

In the meantime, my 82 year old mother decided that I did not have nearly enough crazy around me so she decided to get herself a new cell phone and then she declared she was going to learn how to text even if it killed me her.

And my initial reaction was one of GOOD GOD, JUST PUNCH ME IN THE THROAT ALREADY.

Which was quickly followed by something akin to SERIOUSLY. GO HEAD. PUNCH ME. LOOK, I’LL EVEN STAND STILL. HURRY UP.

Because I knew what was coming.

*Ring Ring Ring*

Me:  Hi Mom.

Mom:  Andy? Andy? This is Mom.

Me:  I know, Mom.

Mom:  Andy?

Me:  I’m here, Mom.

Mom:  Andy???

Me:  I’M HERE, MOM.

Mom:  Peter! Peter! Come here. This new phone is not working. Peter! Are you listening to me? Andy can’t hear me either. What is wrong with everybody??

Me: MOM! Stop yelling at Dad. You’re phone is not broken. YOU ARE JUST DEAF.

Mom: Oh, Andy! There you are! Listen. I got a new cell phone. Nothing fancy. I told that young man at the store that I don’t want any bells or whistles. NO BELLS OR WHISTLES. I just want to get a call, make a call and text.

*pause*

Mom:  Andy? Andy? What is that loud banging?

Me:  Nothing, Mom. I’m just bludgeoning myself with my crockpot.

Mom:  Whatever for?

Me:   Just preparing for the inevitable, Mom.

Mom:  You make no sense. Listen. Hang up because I’m going to text you.

*click*

*Ring Ring Ring*

Me:  Hi, Mom.

Mom:  Andy? We got disconnected. DAMMIT. I think this new cell phone is defective? Do I have to go all the way back to the store now? Who’s got time for that? GODDAMMIT.IT.ALL.TO.HELL.

Me:  Mom! Relax. You told me to hang up so I hung up.

Mom:  Oh! That’s what you did? Fine. OK. Hang up. I’m going to tex…

*click*

*One hour later*
.
Text from Mom: andy. i am texting. hello.
.

*Five seconds later*

*Ring Ring Ring*
.

Me: Hi Mo…

Mom: Andy! I just texted you! Did you get it?

Me: Yes, Mom.

Mom: Text me back!

Andy: Oka….

*click*

Text from me: Hey Mom! Congratulations on your texting! Love U!

*3.1 seconds later*
.

*Ring Ring Ring*

.Me: Hi Mo…

Mom:  Andy! I got your text! I just wanted you to know. Now, hang up. I’m going to text you again.

*click*

*One hour later*

Text from Mom:  hello. this is mom. hello.

*two seconds later*

*Ring Ring Ring*

Me: Hi. This is Andy. I can’t take your call right now because my mother is driving me batshit crazy. If you leave your …

Mom: Aaaaaaaaaaandyyyyyyyyyy!

Andy: What?!?

Mom:  There are no capital letters on my phone. I can’t find them anywhere. I knew this goddamn phone was defective. WHO MAKES CELL PHONES WITHOUT CAPITAL LETTERS?

.

Pray for me.

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

44 comments

Like it? Share it! Karma rocks:

http://thecreativejunkie.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/stumbleupon_48.png http://thecreativejunkie.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/facebook_48.png http://thecreativejunkie.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/twitter_48.png

{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

1
Amanda
Twitter: householdsix
June 6, 2012 at 7:11 am

I’m sorry, but that’s hysterical. Just wait until she gets bored and wants to learn Facebook.

Reply to this comment

2
Leah June 6, 2012 at 7:16 am

I have accomplished looking like a loon today. I absolutely laughed out loud while sitting in the service department waiting room at the Honda dealership. The woman sitting across the room is now looking at me nervously. Success!

Reply to this comment

3
Kate June 6, 2012 at 7:24 am

Oh good god. I hope my grandmother NEVER wants to learn to text. I would be standing in line with you to be punched. Your mom sounds like a riot!

Reply to this comment

4
Heather @ nobody-but-yourself
Twitter: MissusSmith
June 6, 2012 at 7:28 am

BWAH HA HA HA HA. Welcome to my world (albeit in my world, the mother in question is only 68. so she has less of an excuse). It’s a whole new zipcode in Crazytown, my friend.

Also? Sorry I’ve been MIA for the past several weeks. I’m a craptastic friend. I’ll text you today. Then I’ll call you to make sure you got the text. Then I’ll hang up and text again. ;-)

xoxo

Reply to this comment

5
Nancy O'Keefe June 6, 2012 at 7:32 am

Good to see and hear that you never lost your sense of humor, Andy. This is so funny that I’ve forwarded the link to your blog to several friends whom I know have lived through something like mothers who want to reinvent themselves. Praying that this next year is a year of continued good progress and healing.

Reply to this comment

6
Ishan
Twitter: real_ishan
June 6, 2012 at 7:47 am

Well, my dad texts me in all caps! :/

Anyway, welcome back and hope this year is much better!

Reply to this comment

7
Kellie June 6, 2012 at 7:47 am

LOL Andy -my 68 year old mother has a cell, but no texting – thank God!!
Hang in there!!!

Reply to this comment

8
Kristin
Twitter: kwr221
June 6, 2012 at 7:47 am

At least you still have your funny. :-)

Coffee sometime? Or ice cream? I need an update and I will come and be your ninja back up in court, kay?

Reply to this comment

9
Carolyn
Twitter: CarolynRVa
June 6, 2012 at 8:03 am

Andy,

So nice to see you again! And funny! And batshit crazy! Well I don’t want you to be batshit crazy, but you know what I mean.

I have been spending the last 15 minutes since reading your post trying to come up with a solution. I’ve come up with:

NADA.

So sorry. I will keep thinking. But since I have my own mom worries these days (very different and not nearly as amusing as yours -in fact mine are downright serious and depressing as hell), I suggest you not hold your breath. Although I guess that actually could be one way to fix your problem…

Anyway, it is so very good to read your latest!

Carolyn

xoxo
Carolyn recently posted..A Word of Advice – Keep Your Eyes Open All the Time. Otherwise Change is Gonna Knock you SILLY.My Profile

Reply to this comment

10
Angie C. June 6, 2012 at 8:11 am

Sounds like my mom when she got a computer and signed up for an email account. And don’t get me started with her and Facebook….

Reply to this comment

11
Paula
Twitter: frostedfingers
June 6, 2012 at 8:17 am

Oh how I’ve missed your posts. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. Where has this year gone?!
Paula recently posted..Menu Plan Monday June 4-10My Profile

Reply to this comment

12
Cindy W. June 6, 2012 at 8:35 am

Hey, I have a great idea…just post your Mom’s number here and we can all be her texting friends. Although you know it might mean numerous phone calls and texts to you so she can tell you all about her funny new friends. Deal? I thought not.

You do still have your funny. Thanks for making me laugh.

Reply to this comment

13
Martha
Twitter: eclecticred
June 6, 2012 at 9:23 am

LOL!! o.m.g. this is TOO funny Andy!! I’d DIE if my Dad and/or Joan starting texting!!! Come to think of it I’m sort of like your mom with texting at least with my phone (hate swype!!)! Anyway can’t believe it’s been a year…gotta be coming to a end eventually eh? Love you girl!

Reply to this comment

14
stacey@havoc&mayhem June 6, 2012 at 9:28 am

My mom started texting about 5 months ago because all her friends are texting their grandkids all the time & apparently having these great conversations with them. Mom’s grandkids are 6, 8, 8 & 9 years old so she has a few years before she can do that. So she decided to practice on my brother & I. Her big problem is she never remembers to charge her phone & then calls me on the landline to complain I never respond to her texts.
stacey@havoc&mayhem recently posted..Storytelling SundayMy Profile

Reply to this comment

15
Jennifer June 6, 2012 at 10:01 am

Oh my! I managed to hold it together until I got to the “no caps” part. Freaking hilarious! Love it!

Reply to this comment

16
katrina June 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

Congratulations on making it Andy. My dad spent 5 months texting without knowing where the space bar was! And he has big old sausage fingers that didn’t work so well on a BB. My kids would text me and say…I think Poppa’s having a stoke! He is sending me gibberish!

Reply to this comment

17
Gina
Twitter: ginaeslinger
June 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

So glad you are back. Your blog makes me laugh.

Reply to this comment

18
Kearsie
Twitter: kearsie
June 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

I think me and you should tell our crappy year to go shove itself in a dark drawer and then go on a cruise. You in?

Reply to this comment

19
Valinda June 6, 2012 at 10:37 am

My 58 year old mother knows how to text, capital letters and all. She will text my siblings and I throughout the day about what she’s doing and what her plans are. She even texts the people she’s living with. :)

Reply to this comment

20
Janmary, N Ireland June 6, 2012 at 10:53 am

Great to see your hilarious brain is still in there :)

We teach my mum text about every 6 months …… then she never does so she forgets ….. then we teach her again ……..

Reply to this comment

21
Melissa June 6, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Oh my, if I were near you, I’d send you a bottle of vodka or something….I think you could use it. Thanks for the giggle.
Melissa recently posted..No Yarn TodayMy Profile

Reply to this comment

22
Lori
Twitter: loriloutloud
June 6, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Good Lord, please keep her off Facebook.

Glad to see you bringing the funny. I’m sure it’s not easy. xo
Lori recently posted..TestingMy Profile

Reply to this comment

23
granny Sue June 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm

so very funny!! I wonder if I’ll ever get a phone to text with; but first I should get voicemail.

Reply to this comment

24
Nicki June 6, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I see a book in your future – or a show on Bravo. Kathy Griffin’s got nothing on you and your mom.

Reply to this comment

25
Sara June 7, 2012 at 2:58 am

It is really funny, but I can totally relate to this post. My parents, who are both self-confessed technophobes, drove me crazy when they decided to learn how to use a cellphone. In the end, we had to settle for the good old telephone.

My opinion, cut her some slack. At least she is doing fine; a little more training and she will be using her phone with ease.
Sara recently posted..best smokeless cigarettesMy Profile

Reply to this comment

26
Dianne June 7, 2012 at 10:30 am

I guess I’m a little more thankful now that my mother never turns hers on. :)

Reply to this comment

27
Katrina June 7, 2012 at 2:50 pm

hello. i’m commenting andy. do you see it? hello.

Glad to see you back, Andy. Thanks for the giggle today. :)
Katrina recently posted..the happiest autographs on earth!My Profile

Reply to this comment

28
Tasha June 9, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Soooo glad to see you back in the land of blogging, Andy. I am following you from Perth, Western Australia. Trust me, your sarcastic, slighty unhinged *in-a-good-way* style translates well here…. I discovered you one dark night when listening to my son scream for hours ( the usual non-sleeping-baby night shift) and you have become my brilliant, scorching, solid link to sanity since that night. 18 months later and here I am again at midnight (he is awake now due to a fever/chesty cough combo) and I figured you would supply me with a dose of the funnies. I wasn’t wrong!! My M-I-L texts me frequently. But she has Parkinsons, so has devised her own abbreviation shorthand to save time/energy. Trust me, it rivals a tyipcal teenagers, although WAY less decipherable. For example: NNTR- doesn’t mean Not Nice Tart Raspberries (who knew?) but in Cynthia- text speak means no need to reply. Not that I usually wish to reply, but hat’s a WHOLE other bottle of vodka…. Anywhooo, just wanted to finally leave a reply, tell you I think you are mint ( west Aussie speak for awesome) thank you for making my nights bearable, keeping me from repeats of such highbrow television as Jersey Shore re-runs and to tell you stick in there. I’ve been where you are. It sucks more than aforementioned television programming. But it makes for some great wisdom and building of character, not to mention stress grey hairs and addictions to chocolate. It will end. I promise. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
;)

Reply to this comment

29
Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity
Twitter: BabyRocasMama
June 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm

And I thought it was bad when I found that my drunk, crazy mother had a facebook page that said she was “interested in men”. I think I’d die if one of my older relatives started texting.

Mostly because I still don’t have a cell phone.
Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted..The Free Range Stupid Crashed Through My GateMy Profile

Reply to this comment

30
Heather T.
Twitter: heather_t_
June 13, 2012 at 12:32 pm

*giggles* You’re such a wonderful writer. *hugs*
Heather T. recently posted..PhotosMy Profile

Reply to this comment

31
Julie June 14, 2012 at 11:04 am

You.Are.Awesome.Sauce.

Reply to this comment

32
Joy (Wingnut) June 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Priceless. Utterly priceless.

I’ve missed reading your stories. I’m so sad that things happened to keep you from being able to tell your stories. I pray that the hard stuff to come, comes and goes with the best possible outcome for you and the girls.

As we both send our oldest kids off to college, I’ll be thinking of you!!!

Reply to this comment

33
Paula June 29, 2012 at 12:03 am

Oh my, I enjoyed reading this post and was laughing the entire time! It’s so crazy! I wish my grandma will not think of getting a cell phone and start texting!

Reply to this comment

34
Jasper June 29, 2012 at 7:06 am

I guess that it is better than the case of my parents. They just won’t touch any gadget even with a ten-foot pole.
Jasper recently posted..cheap las vegas vacation packagesMy Profile

Reply to this comment

35
Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy
Twitter: Mommy
July 2, 2012 at 9:23 pm

That is hilarious!

Reply to this comment

36
Shell Fruscione July 3, 2012 at 2:56 am

I’m glad that you’re finding some good moments among the mess. &I hope the bad moments are fewer & farther between soon! Also, I was literally laughing out loud at your conversation- that would totally be my mom if she had a phone. :)
Shell Fruscione recently posted..Take a Potty Break with Pull-Ups!My Profile

Reply to this comment

37
Pat July 20, 2012 at 12:56 am

Wow! Your mom is so cool. I only know 80 years old granny who knows how to call using mobile phone. It’s incredible to know that there are oldies who know how to text.
Pat recently posted..modern cameras and accessoriesMy Profile

Reply to this comment

38
JulieD
Twitter: TheLittleKitchn
July 22, 2012 at 8:42 pm

LOL, you had me rolling.

And I’m so glad things are getting better. xoxo we’re all pulling for you and your girls!
JulieD recently posted..$25 Publix Gift Card GiveawayMy Profile

Reply to this comment

39
Larry July 24, 2012 at 5:12 am

I guess you should go easy on your mom. Just call it as a reversal of roles. Remember the time when you were taught to tie your shoelaces?

Reply to this comment

40
Janet November 21, 2012 at 6:18 am

I just found your blog yesterday and had a “creative junkie” fix by reading most of your blogs. I hope you are ok as it’s been months since you blogged. Where r u? I love your honesty, witty sense of humor. You had me laughing out loud sooo many times. Maybe you aren’t in a laughing mood these days but I sure hope you come back. Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving…

Reply to this comment

41
Desiree D'Souza January 11, 2013 at 11:36 am

Hey Andy,

Happy New Year to you and your family. Hope you, your kids, your parents and Oliver are doing fine.

Reply to this comment

42
Brad January 14, 2013 at 2:54 pm

Ha! Thanks for making me laugh and stimulating that part of my brain called “Sense of Humor!”

Reply to this comment

43
Kayla March 2, 2013 at 7:49 pm

I got my mum texting and she is 72, I really like getting messages from her but last week she asked if she would be able to understand a laptop. I havent quite worked the answer to that question yet!

Reply to this comment

44
Carol August 16, 2013 at 5:15 pm

That is just to funny!

Reply to this comment

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: