Call 1-800-SHOOTME

Ring ring ring.

Me:  Hello?

Mom:  Oh! Are you home?

Me:  No. You’ve reached a wrong number. I just happened to be walking by and heard the phone and figured, what the hell? I’ll pick it up.

Mom:  Really? How peculiar! How in the world did that happen?

Me (sighing):  I’m just kidding, Mom.

Mom:  Oh. So … you are home?

Me:  Yes, Mom. You called me. Remember?

Mom:  Don’t be smart. It’s unbecoming.

Me:  I’m not! Nevermind. You’re calling because …?

Mom:  Can’t I just call? To speak to my own daughter? Do I need a reason?

Me:  Certainly not, Mom.

Mom:  Don’t sound so enthusiastic. I just called to talk. No reason. And why do you sound so far away?

Me:  Sorry. Just checking outside to see if the sky is still there.

Mom:  So, what do you think of this H1N1 thing?

Me: Oh, I know, right? It’s scary! I can’t believe …

Mom:  Why hasn’t your brother called me?

*pause*

Mom:  Andy? Are you still there? I hear you breathing.

Me:  Sorry. Just switching gears. Hang on a sec while I shake my skull around.

Mom:  Fine. Let me know when you’re ready.

Me:  Ready. Now, what do you mean?

Mom:  I mean, why hasn’t your brother called me? Don’t be obtuse.

Me:  Ummm … I have no idea. He lost all his fingers in a freak swan attack? They’re can be vicious, you know.

Mom:  They have swans out in Vegas?

Me (rolling my eyes loudly):  I think so. In some fancy fountain, maybe?

Mom: Well then, someone else could dial the phone. Is it too much to ask that he call me? Once a month? To see if I have a pulse?

Me:  Apparently, yes.

Mom:  I am livid. Livid. Je-sus Chrrrrrrr-ist. I could be dead on the floor and he wouldn’t even know. Then where would I be?

Me:  On the floor?

Mom:  My point is, your brother does not care. And I am just beside myself.

Me: My God, there are two of you?

Mom: What? I can’t hear you.

Me:  Nothing. I’m sure he cares, Mom.

Mom:  Oh, really? And how would you know? Have you talked to him?

Me:  Uh, no.

Mom:  Well, then? Explain.

Me (sighing):  OK. He doesn’t care. Is that the answer you were looking for?

Mom:  Didn’t I just tell you not to be smart? What has gotten into you? Is that how I raised you? Now, should I call him or not?

Me:  Sure.

Mom:  I refuse! REFUSE. Why should I call him? I’m his mother. He should call me. And yet, here I sit. No call. I could die tomorrow, for all he knows. I’m not calling him. I swear to God, Andy, I’m not calling him! I always call. I’m not doing it this time. I AM NOT CALLING HIM.

Me:  Good for you.

Mom:  Maybe I should call him.

Me:  Are we actually having this conversation?

Mom:  I know. You call him.

Me:  Me?

Mom:  Yes, you. Just see if he’s alive. And what’s he’s been up to. And did someone break all his fingers? Is he dating anyone? Why isn’t he married?

Me:  Mom …

Mom:  Just find out why he hasn’t called me. There must be a reason. God only knows what it is. I mean, what have I done? I’m a good mother, aren’t I? I stay out of your business. I stay out of his. I just want to know why he isn’t married. Is that too much to ask? That my son date one girl for longer than two weeks? Nicole was nice. Stephanie was nice. There was a bimbo or two in there, but I can’t remember their names. But still, I don’t dwell on it. I don’t think asking him if he intends to be single for the remainder of his life is dwelling on the issue, do you? It’s not like I ask him what’s wrong with him every time I talk to him, which is never, because he never calls me. Shit.on.a.stick. Why do you think he doesn’t call me?

Me:  I can’t imagine.

Mom: Call him and ask him why he hasn’t called me. But don’t ask to call me. I want him to want to call me. Otherwise, what’s the point? Am I right? I’m right. So, you need to be subtle. Be discreet. Understand?

Me (sighing):  Yes, Mom.

Mom:  Discretion, Andy. It’s a skill.

Me: I know, Mom.

Mom: Subtlety.

Me:  Right.

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Two minutes later …

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Ring ring ring

Tino:  Heeeeeeey, what’s up?

Me:  Mom’s tail feathers. For shit’s sake, call her, please? She’s up my ass about why you haven’t called. And why you’re not married.

Tino (groaning):  Oh God.

Me:  Just call her, will you? But don’t tell her I told you. She’ll kill me. You know, discretion and blah blah blah.

Tino:  Right.

Me: Be subtle, OK?

Tino:  Right.

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Two minutes later …

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Ring ring ring

Mom:  Hello?

Tino:  Hey, Mom.

Mom (stiffly):  Well. Tino. How nice of you to call. And to what do I owe this honor?

Tino:  Andy said you reamed her a new one because I haven’t called.

Mom:  I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Tino:  Don’t tell her I told you that. She made me promise not to tell you.

Mom:  Right.

Tino: OK? You know, that whole discretion thing?

Mom: Of course, dear. So, how are you? How are things?

Tino:  Things are good. How are you guys doing?

Mom:  We’re fine. Why aren’t you married?

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Two minutes later …

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Ring ring ring

Me:  Hello?

Mom:  Oh, are you home?

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