Dear Santa, can I please have a shiny new elf to hump for Christmas?

Dear Santa,

HI! HI! HI!

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

*jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump*

*hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump*

How are you? I hope you are well and chubby. I weigh six pounds! How much do you weigh? Please say hi to the elves. And the reindeer! And Rudolph! And Jesus! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!!!! I LIKE YOUR BEARD.

I like yours too, Santa!

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

Jesus is really old. So are you. My birthday is January 7. I’m going to be one! If my mommy doesn’t stuff me and use me as a door draft stopper by then.

I like barking! And running in circles! And barking! And humping fuzzy pillows and my squeaky hedgehog! What do you like to hump?

Is Mrs. Claus squeaky?

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

HI MRS. CLAUS!

*hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump*

*jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump*

I have been a ginormous pain in the ass very good boy this year. I am forgetting learning how to potty outside. I’ve been forgetting learning this for an eternity a long time. It’s fun to learn!

I pee sitting down. Mommy thinks this is weird but I don’t know why because she pees sitting down too. I know because I follow her but only until she screams asks me to get out of the goddamn bathroom.

Do you pee sitting down?

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

In the summer, I liked to go outside eleventy times a day and chase butterflies and sniff all the different blades of grass and bark at everything nothing.

ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF

That was me barking! I can make your ears bleed without even trying! Yay!

*hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump*

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

I don’t know why Mommy doesn’t like nature. I think it’s awesome! And now all the nature is covered with snow! Yay! I like to play in it and make big yellow circles in it with my business. But I don’t like to poop in it. Yucky. I like to poop behind the couch. Where do you like to poop?

*jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump*

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

I hope you’re coming to our house this year! My mommy and sisters bought a stocking for me but I intentionally and with great malice accidentally ate it and I don’t think I was supposed to. I hope they buy me another one. Mommy said something about pigs flying. I think she meant reindeer, don’t you? Mommy’s probably confused. That happens a lot sometimes.

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

*jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump*

Can I have some new toys for Christmas? Ones that don’t squeak, please, for the love of God. I like to rip all sorts of things that don’t belong to me to shreds with my fangs chew my toys and now they’re getting oh-my-god-it-smells-like-corpse a little worn. And Mommy doesn’t like it when I play The Lion King by myself and stalk the garbage can and go all Animal Kingdom on used pad and tampons.

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

Smells like bacon!

OH MY GOD! WAIT! Can I have some doggie snacks too? Mommy doesn’t like it when I hop into the big plastic jug of pretzels from BJ’s in the morning eat pretzels.  I’m not sure why. I mean, Daddy leaves them open on the couch every night for me because he never listens to Mommy. And they make me poop a lot!

Thank you, Santa. I love you!

Bye!

*jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump*

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

XXXOOO

Oliver

P.S. Mommy says I should ask you for some new, industrial strength bowels that are manufactured so as to not release their cargo within a twenty foot radius of anything remotely resembling a couch. Gosh, I hope I got that right. Those sound like big, important words.

P.S. #2: Mommy says I need to promise not to pee all over the floor like a psychotic garden hose when I see you. Or anyone.

P.S. #3: Mommy says to bring a new throw rug for our front door, just in case.

P.S.#4: I just peed.

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

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