DISCLAIMER: There will be no pictures of any body parts, naked or otherwise, in this post

Thanks to my desire to get to know my new point and shoot camera and my struggle with writer’s block, you’ve seen my feet, neck, ears and thighs recently. One of you (Hi Bullgrit!) commented that my blog might be headed for an R rating should I continue to regale you with my anatomy. Therefore, I’ve decided to hold off on posting the macro shots of my urethra, as well as the accompanying power point presentation entitled Mississippi Burning: A Day in the Life of a 42 Year Old Decrepit Bladder. I was going to go with the title How One Woman Temporarily Named Her Urinary Tract System After a Movie So That She’d Have a Cool Name for a Slideshow About Peeing Orange on a Routine Basis, but it wouldn’t fit on the cd label.

So, lest my blog run out and get all liquored up and come home with a NSFW (not suitable for work) tattoo emblazoned on its header, I will not be posting pictures of any parts of my body for at least a week.

You’re very welcome.

However, I would like to take a moment and publicly thank my new point and shoot camera for its uncanny ability to squeeze into some pretty confined spaces.

It’s Friday and I decided to jot down a few things that need to get done. I’m calling it my THINGS TO DO WHEN I’M DONE DOING THE OTHER THINGS I’M SUPPOSED TO DO list:

  • Update our wills. We are taking a trip to San Francisco soon which means that (1)  Nate is busy creating an itinerary broken down into 30 second intervals; (2) the girls are busy stocking their iPods with music for the plane; and (3) I am busy anticipating an airline crash and/or earthquake and/or terrorist attack and/or Armageddon.
  • Order replacement cartridges for my Canon i9900 printer. It has eight separate ink cartridges and I believe some of them may be empty. I became suspicious last week when it gasped, choked and spit out a sheet of paper with FEED ME, YOU MORON printed on it in invisible ink after I clicked Print.
  • Clean out my cook books. Do I really need 183 cookie recipes to remind me that the last time I baked cookies without scorching the bottoms was never?
  • Email Lane Bryant. I’d like to sing the praises of one of their employees who spent over an hour with me last week. Did you know that it is, in fact, possible to fight gravity with an industrial strength bra that does not migrate up to your neck within 35 seconds and which looks pretty and feminine and nothing like an ugly ass UFO? This almost made up for the discovery that somewhere along the way, my double d’s procured an illegal passport and crossed the border into triple territory without my knowledge. Almost.
  • Lose weight. So that I can wear a bathing suit without throwing up. So that I can swim laps. So that I can lose weight. So that I can wear a bathing suit without throwing up.
  • Avoid vicious circles.
  • Order a conveyor belt. I’m going to install it between the back of Helena’s bedroom door, where two years worth of schoolwork in the form of eleventy billions sheets of paper and projects are currently growing roots, and the top of her closet where a gargantuan Rubbermaid container housing all of her memorabilia from birth to first grade sits patiently. She’s only finishing up third grade. I’m wondering if I should just hold off until she graduates college and get the biggest bang for my buck? Those conveyor belts are expensive.
  • Get the oil changed in my Honda. I’d prefer to simply get a new car instead because I hear they come with free oil changes and don’t leak transmission fluid or need an alignment or breed bacteria under the seats. But, seeing as how I just spent a wad of cash on bras, I can’t afford any prosthetics which means no surrendering an arm or a leg for a new set of wheels. So I’m stuck driving around in my 2000 Honda Accord. But at least my boobs are sitting pretty while I leak transmission fluid, so it’s not a total suckfest. And just to be perfectly clear, I’m leaking transmission fluid from my Honda, not my boobs. My boobs haven’t leaked anything since Y2K.
  • Upgrade my Verizon phone. I’m torn between the Voyager and the enV2. They both have the QWERTY keyboards which I prefer. However, I don’t like the outside keyboard on the enV2. I’m afraid of butt dialing and while I know it was redesigned to require two clicks of the OK key to unlock it, thereby reducing the risk of accidental dialing, I also know that my butt is pretty resourceful. If it can find a way to morph a sliver of cheesecake into 38 pounds of fat all on its own, it can certainly click OK twice to dial a phone and the last thing I need is a butt that can order pizza. On the other hand, I don’t like the touchscreen on the Voyager because touchscreens have a tendency to lose their sensitivity and I don’t feel like punching the snot out of my phone so that I can dial Nate’s number to complain that MY PHONE BLOWS. But the enV2 has this while the Voyager has that, and the Voyager has that while the enV2 has this, which reminds me …
  • Piss or get off the pot


What’s on your list today?



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29 thoughts on “DISCLAIMER: There will be no pictures of any body parts, naked or otherwise, in this post”

  1. Avatar

    I need to clean my house so I can have about 20 people over tomorrow for a party. I’ve had a migraine the last 2 days and my 2yo has shared some sort of cold cooties with me so now I’m sporting a sore throat. Wanna trade? I’ll take the leaking transmission fluid over this.

  2. Avatar

    1. Get up – I’ve somewhat accomplished that although when my son takes his morning nap, that one is going to hell.

    2. Clean the house.. or something… which isn’t going to happen because my studio needs to be cleaned up before my next project which was due yesterday.. so today will be a mad dash to put away 1100 skeins of DMC embroidery floss, pick up the 100,000 pieces of silver that I’ve flung during the last project.

    3. Try not to get on the computer and play zuma instead – that one I’ll lose for sure

    I hope you have a fab day!! LOVE your Blog!

  3. Avatar

    1. “I’ve decided to hold off on posting the macro shots of my urethra”
    2. “I would like to take a moment and publicly thank my new point and shoot camera for its uncanny ability to squeeze into some pretty confined spaces.”

    Wow, that is impressive. And I’d imagine painful, too.

  4. Avatar

    I digital scrapbook those pesky projects and ooops they mysteriously disappear around my house. Unfortunatley, we barely or sometimes no elbow room at all in our rental place. So, we don’t have the luxurary of saving projects.

  5. Avatar

    Funny you should mention Verizon and upgrading. I’m upgrading to the Samsung Alias2

    check it out. special hinge. It’s a flip style that shows the keypad when you open standard – but turn it sideways and flip it up and it displays the qwerty. nice big screen too!

  6. Avatar

    Im an avid list maker but I rarely end up doing everything on it. You wouldn’t want to see my list for this weekend! Thanks btw, for the mental picture of an urethra!

  7. Avatar

    Dude, seriously? I can’t believe Nate didn’t talk you into a Crackberry!!

    And as far as the pics go…there’s nothing you can put here or say here that will gross me know what I do for a living.

  8. Avatar

    So far I’ve:
    -Put a pork butt in the crock pot for tonight
    -Gone to the DMV
    -Called an 80 year old lady an asshole
    -came to work
    -shopped on Etsy
    -Slacked off.
    -Shopped on Etsy some more
    -Read your blog

    I think today is pretty good for me. I think I’ll slack off some more, leave at 4, make some guac and try not to bounce off the walls from the steriods the docs gave me.


  9. Avatar

    My list today is out of control….one of the biggest ever with a crazy week at work and a dinner party to host tonight!

    – ten bazillion work tasks to complete
    – Party store for table covers and tea lights
    – set up tables outside
    – clean deck chairs
    – make dessert and appetizers
    – get my bangs trimmed
    – clean bathrooms
    – mop kitchen floor
    – vacuum carpet
    – dust first floor
    – arrange where everything will be served
    – find something to do with the dog
    – hang photo that I destroyed the other day if FedEx ever delivers
    – shower and look party presentable
    – be sociable and pretend that I didn’t already do a bazillion tasks today

    I think that’s it. I’m sure I’m missing about 100 things.

  10. Avatar

    I WAS planning a relaxing evening, and gradually getting around to getting ready for our houseguests who have come by ferry from England, and I thought they were coming about 10pm. Just got a phone call, they are less than an hour away!

    Need to get cleaning and sorting, but as usual I have been distracted by blogging!

    Must dash.

  11. Avatar

    omg..THANK you for leaving out the shot of your urethra! whew…

    Ok…lets see. TO DO
    #1. Picked up Joe from kindy by 1pm, was field day today, no buses.
    #2. Called aunt Nancy back, she couldn’t talk…sigh
    #3. umm…buy another theme :blush: where the heck is that ducking for cover smilie? 😉
    #4. IM you..but of course it’s 2:20 so your probably not on
    #5. Do even MORE procrastinating and read some more stuff on that I found linked from “Mike” here in your comments! LOL! Looks hysterical!!

    Hey! When is the SF trip anyway? Did you let Nate read our chat records after all? 😉 LOL!

  12. Avatar

    you mean my list of things I haven’t done for the last month and have been meaning to do and should start doing today ?

    update our wills, we too are going on holiday
    renew our passports or there wont be a holiday
    mop the floor.. last time it was the night before mothers day when my mum came to visit, and then Michael did it
    clean the boys toilet, they wont go in there any more
    do more 365 day photos for my book, I am only up to February!
    DON’T pick up that book or all of the above will just not get done…again

  13. Avatar

    Please, DO tell what bras you found? My double d’s seem to have the same behavior as yours. And yes, I know the creepiness factor is working its way in here with me asking you about it. 😛

  14. Avatar

    ok,, from one dd to another, please post bra pics(with or without the ds) it’s hard to find a decent bra when the only choices are Belk and Walmart.

  15. Avatar

    I love your list. Sometimes I avoid making a list because of the guilt. I have finally accomplished getting our wills done. It only took us 7 years or so. It was on my list of “things I like to avoid thinking about” list.

    Other things that are on my list but not on my calendar are:

    1. Develop a keynote speech (maybe I’ll do that once the baby is here and I will have all the time in the world and lot of motivation because I’ll be getting so much sleep at night. On second thought…)

    2. Create a DVD for 2007 and 2008 family pictures. I did one, now I feel I have to do it every year. That guilt thing again.

    3. Let go of previous expectations of self.

    4. Be excited about having another baby before the baby arrives. Really, I love the baby, I’m just still try to accept the fact that we will not be a family of four more much longer.

  16. Avatar

    DO NOT GET THE TOUCH SCREEN PHONE! I have one and I hate it – can’t hang up on anyone. The screen locks as soon as you start to talk on the phone and you have to unlock the screen and then hit end twice on the touch screen just to disconnect the call. My kids make fun of me that they can still hear me talking after our conversation has ended (this would be the part of the call where I now tell my husband or other child what was just said on the call!). Good luck – I myself am holding out for an Iphone through Verizon – they say it’s going to happen soon!

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