Random thoughts in consecutive order

• I have always been a grocery list person but lately, I always forget to bring the damn list with me to the store. And by lately, I mean since 2006. So yesterday, I came up with the brilliant idea to text myself the list! I mean, hello? I carry my phone everywhere! How smart am I? Woot!

• I forgot to bring my cell phone with me to the store yesterday.

• We now have 15 containers of yogurt and no toilet paper.

• After I write this, I will be going to the store again because the cardboard toilet paper roll is itchy and not super absorbent. I found that out in 2006.

• I am still giving Zoe driving lessons. Yesterday she tried to back out of the garage while the car was in drive. I gasped so hard that I nearly inhaled my own tongue. Zoe yelled MOM! DON’T DO THAT! YOU’RE MAKING ME NERVOUS! And I yelled AGGGRZZZTGJJJJBLFFFFFTPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSS and then flailed my arms all over the place for emphasis. Then we stopped talking to each other so as not to use up all the available oxygen in the car because it was 121 degrees outside and I was damned if I was going to open a window and let any air conditioning escape. It was bad enough I was going to die with cardboard remnants stuck to my nether regions, but no way in Hell was I also going to die sweaty.

• Remember the Enell jogging bra I bought? Just wanted to let you know that it has been worth every penny of the $65 I shelled out for it. Not only does it keep my triple Ds from giving me a black eye during a run, but it also helps me work off at least 75 calories and earn one Weight Watchers exercise point during the twenty minutes it takes to get that sucker on and fastened up. And bonus! It can double as a bullet proof vest. So if anyone wants to go on a run with me, or have me hurl my body in front of them to take the full impact of a hail of bullets, let me know! Maybe we can do lunch afterwards.

• Tonight is my first photography class! I am bound and determined to learn how to use my Nikon D90 the proper way which, as far as I know, should not include bargaining with God while using the “F” word.

• How many “F” bombs can you drop and still get into Heaven? I’m wondering if I should start rationing.

• This is my shin approximately twenty-four hours after I bashed it against the slate tile step in our bathroom. Between the shin splints I had a few weeks ago and now this debacle, my calves are pretty much hating my guts and I’m afraid they are going to beat me to death in my sleep. But, if it means I never have to clean our jacuzzi tub again, I might not put up much of a fight.

• Zoe has a date on Friday night and I’m demanding the boy come to our house to meet us beforehand if for no other reason than to show him my leg and get some sympathy. The “Huh. What are we having for dinner?” that I got from my family as I stumbled down the stairs and crawled my way into the kitchen was a little lackluster.

• Today I am sending in my check for our upcoming 25th high school reunion this August. I’m amazed I was actually able to type that whole sentence without punching myself in the throat. But honestly, I’m actually enjoying my forties! If I could live them in the body I had in my twenties, I’d enjoy them a hell of a lot more. And complain a lot less. And the world would be a happier place.

• If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I recently discovered the phenomena that is runner’s trots. Too bad I was a mile away from my house at the time. They give new meaning to the phrase Shit Happens.

• If you don’t want to be kept abreast of my bowels movements, I suggest you don’t follow me on Twitter. But then, you’ll miss out on our puppy Oliver’s bowel movements as well. Your loss.

• One minute ago, Nate poked his head into my office and declared that he was going to the DMV to get himself an enhanced license so that he can cross the border into Canada. I do not have an enhanced license so I’m thinking he’s leaving me for better health insurance and/or some skinny young Canuck who is more than willing to let him wake up in the morning with a bang because (1) she doesn’t have to take a nausea-inducing antibiotic immediately afterward to ensure she doesn’t sustain a raging bladder infection by noon; and (2), even if she does, she can afford it because she’s get better health insurance because she lives in Canada. Way to go, Nate. Get an enhanced license and get lucky, all at the same time. How about getting some toilet paper on the way home and then I’ll have a reason to celebrate too.

• The most popular search terms for my blog lately? “Orange pee,” “huge cold sores,” and “anderson cooper.” I’m not sure if I should tell Anderson this or not as it could be taken the wrong way.

So, what’s going on in your life lately?

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