Me: Helena, promise me that when Zoe goes off to college next year, you’re not going to go off the deep end.
Helena: I’m pretty sure I’m not the one who’s going to go off the deep end, Mom.
Me: Be that as it may, I’m worried that without your sister here, you’re going to feel some sort of void in your life and you’re going to try to fill it by acting out for attention and hanging around with the wrong crowd in middle school and letting your grades drop and, God forbid, turning to drinking or drugs.
Helena: Oh.My.Gosh.
Me: Promise me you won’t have sex and get pregnant.
Helena (mouth agape): MOMMMMM! STOP IT.
Me: Just promise me you won’t wind up pregnant and never graduate and live in our basement with my grandkids for the rest of your life.
Helena: I’M TEN! And besides, our basement is gross. It smells.
Me: You’re ten now. You won’t be ten forever. Do you remember all the things we discussed about sex?
Helena: Mom! You’re the only one who’s going to lose her mind when Zoe goes to college! I’m going to stay normal.
Me: Humor me, OK? Tell me what we discussed about sex. Go ahead.
Helena: I DON’T WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.
Me: Do you remember all the stuff we talked about?
*Silence*
Me: Well?
*Silence*
Me: You don’t remember anything? Nothing? At all? None of our talks? Penis? Vagina? Sperm? Egg? Any of this ringing a bell?
Helena: OH MY GOSH. Can you stop talking now?
Me: What does it mean when you get your period? You know it’s going to happen to you soon enough, right? So, what does it mean?
Helena: STOP IT.
Me: Answer me and I’ll stop it.
Helena (covering face with hands): Kill me now.
Me: I’m waiting.
Helena: UGH! It means you can have a baby. OK? Can we just go to Starbucks now?
Me: And how do you …
Helena: YOU JUST SAID YOU WOULD STOP IT.
Me: And how do you make a baby? Explain.
Helena: I bet none of my friends have to do this. I bet they get to go to Starbucks like normal people. And I bet they get to watch Glee. Why can’t I watch Glee?
Me: Never mind that. Explain sex to me.
Helena: How come we can talk about sex but I can’t watch Glee? Hmmm?
Me: You are evading the question. And don’t ask me what evading means, you know perfectly well what it means.
Helena: MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM! UGH!
Me: I can wait all day. You know I can.
Helena: OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. FIIIIIIIIIIINE.
*mumbles something*
Me: What? What did you say?
*mumbles louder*
Me (in a sing-song voice): I can’t hear you!
Helena: UGH!!!!! I SAID THE “P” GOES INTO THE “V.”
Me: And the correct terminology would be …?
Helena: NO.
Me: Why can’t you say “penis” or “vagina?”
Helena (covering ears): OH MY GOSH.
Me: Helena, you’re being ridiculous.
Helena: NO, I’M BEING TEN!
*pulling up to school*
*Zoe and her friend Nicole hop into the car*
Nicole: Hi!
Zoe: Hey, Mom. Hey, Helena. So guess what? Today, I was going to biology and … wait. What’s wrong?
*Silence*
Zoe: Helena? Mom? What’s going on? Am I in trouble?
Helena: Mom wants to have the sex talk again.
Nicole: Again? Wow.
Zoe (rolling eyes): Why? Was Glee on last night?
Helena: Hah! I knew that’s why you won’t let me watch it! Geez, I can talk about sex but I can’t watch Glee. This world doesn’t make sense.
Zoe (sighing): So who slept with who last night? Who’s pregnant now? Who is glamorizing sex and setting a horrible example for the rest of us? What happened?
Helena: I KNEW IT!
Me: What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. You went to college and left a gaping void in Helena’s life which she will attempt to fill with illegal substances and the hot lacrosse player down the street. Oh, and your sister can’t say the words penis and vagina. Just a heads up.
Zoe: I’m not going to college until next year, Mom. And I think we all know who’s going to have a gaping void in her life. Why can’t you say penis, Helena?
Helena: That’s EXACTLY what I said. I mean, about the gaping void thing. That other word is just gross.
Me: Look, I simply want to make sure we are all on the same page.
Zoe: Mom, we’re ALWAYS on the same page. We’ve been reading the same book FOREVER.
Nicole: That was funny, Zoe.
Me: I’m just making sure. Would you rather I be the kind of mom who freaks out at the mere mention of sex? Want me to be Amish?
*Confused silence*
Me: Wait. I meant Mormon. Didn’t I? Wait. I did mean Mormon, didn’t I?
Zoe: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Helena: Neither do I.
Nicole: Same here.
Me: Never mind. Now, what do I always say about sex? Do you have to be married to have it?
Zoe & Helena (rolling eyes and answering in unison): No.
Me: But?
Zoe & Helena & Nicole (in unison): But you highly recommend it.
Me: What can happen if you have unprotected sex?
Helena: You can get pregnant!
Zoe: You can get an STD!
Nicole: You can get crabs!
*everyone looks at Nicole*
Nicole (surprised): What? You can! I read it somewhere. They’re like lice in your pubic hair. Look it up.
*Silence*
Nicole: Awkward.
Helena (eyes bugging out of head): OH.MY.GOSH. EVERYONE STOP TALKING.
Zoe: I think Nicole should get a prize for best answer.
Me: When are you ready to have sex?
Nicole: Prom night?
*I have a seizure*
Nicole: Kidding! Just kidding! You guys have the best conversations.
Zoe: UGH. Seriously Mom?
Me: The longer you delay, the longer this goes on. Treat it like a Band Aid. The quicker you rip it off, the quicker it’s all over.
Zoe & Helena (rolling eyes and answering in unison like robots): You should have sex when you are in loving, committed, monogamous relationship and you’re old enough to be responsible for all the possible repercussions of having sex, including pregnancy, disease and surprise YouTube videos.
Me: Which is when?
Zoe & Helena: When you and Dad are dead or we’re thirty, whichever comes first.
Me: See? Was that so bad? Now, who’s up for some Starbucks? Unless someone wants to explain to me how a condom works first? Didn’t think so.
.
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22 thoughts on “A 44 year old, two 17 year olds and a 10 year old sit at a bar. OK. It was in a car, but that’s beside the point …”
LOL.
I really needed that this morning! Thanks for the laughs, as always.
This is SO the conversation I can see happening when my now 11 year old goes to college and leaves her now 5 year old sister behind, ROFL. Thank you for the giggle this morning.
Oh, and for what it is worth, my nearly 12 year old wont say penis or vagina either LOL
“When you and Dad are dead or we’re thirty, whichever comes first.”
Amen.
Can I send my almost-8 year old along for one of these car rides? You do this so much better than I do. 😉
This had me laughing out loud and freaking out at the same time … my girls are 15 and 10 … and my son is 13 … way too funny. Thanks again. I think you’re brilliant (for the record).
Nicole is awesome! I’m looking forward to this conversation with my little males in a couple of years
OMG! That is too funny. Been there done that, only with boys. I don’t who was traumatized the most, my sons or husband.
*giggles* Wow, I know when I was 10 I didn’t have that kind of conversation… But when I was 16, right before I came over to the States, I saw “Grease” and started freaking out because I was worried all high schools were like that, so I got on the pill…
You do the best talks! – can you make a you tube video for us, and we can just force our kids to listen to you instead of us?
Thanks 🙂
LMAO! I have to admit I’m kinda on the same page with Helena though.
LOL…
I like Nicole, she’s funny!
PS: You’ve already gone off the deep end.
lol I needed a good laugh this morning. Thanks. I like JanMary’s idea too 😉
LOL…I love it. I wish my mother had conversations like that with me. Then maybe I would not have been a mom at 19, lol.
How do you capture these conversations so perfectly?!! We’ve had exactly that “I’M NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION” and “OH MY GOSH. Can you stop talking now?” and the “mumble mumble… FINE”. Perhaps my Zoe and your Elena are twins – except my Zoe is 15 😉
You NEVER cease to crack me up. I think I may have spewed some milk out my nose.
Hahahaha I am so glad you are not my mom.
so, if I email this to my kids, can I count that as having “the talk”?
OH! It’s WAY better with a FRIEND in the car, isn’t it?!?!?!?!? Says the woman who dropped her 15 year old in the carpool line of her very religious school yelling out after her, “Ok! Remember that hugging boys makes them want sex!” Not that they’re allowed to hug at school, but still! You gotta make sure they know these things. VERY funny post!!!! (as always)
OMG. Hilarious!!!!
LOL!! Just started reading your blog. Hilarious! And you sound so much like my mother. Kept going into flashback mode the whole time!
And I thought my mom was relentless. Damn! Post more! I am dying to read more of these amazing family discussions. Although, now I am grossed out by Nicole. I think somebody should wash her or something. Take her to the car wash and scrub her down….like ewwwww….
You are officially my hero. This is so what I expect conversations with my girls to sound like in a few more years. They are 6 and 8 right now and are already pretty close.