Because I have no Photoshop, you’re stuck with this post

We created our family ornament last night and I had every intention of blogging about this family bonding experience, the agony and the ecstasy and all of the WE ARE GOING TO ENJOY THIS, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, SO SMILE DAMMIT, THIS IS FUN in between. With pictures and everything!

But then I remembered that I have no Photoshop anymore due to my hard drive failure.

And no one sees my pictures until they’ve been completely overhauled in Photoshop because my photography skills suck dirt and my handy dandy dslr camera, the one I affectionately refer to as Damn Stupid Little Ratshit That Cost A Lot Of Money (DSLRTCALOM for short) is sadistic and lives to psyche me out by flashing stunning previews on its LCD screen, only to turn around and download horrid, blurry, over exposed, under exposed, blatantly lousy images onto my computer. Just to mess with my head.

So my photos do not see the light of day without Photoshop.

I wish I could say the same for my body. Except my ears. I have nice ears.

Photoshop, please come back! COME BAAAAAAAAAAACK.

I miss you.

This leaves me with nothing to blog about except random thoughts bouncing around inside my head at this very moment and I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want to read about cramps and bloating and constipation, much less write about it.

Do you? I didn’t think so.

Mental note to self #1: Get a life.

Mental note to self #2: Get some fiber, while you’re at it.

Therefore, I think I’ll answer a few Christmas questions because I am all about Christmas, baby! Six more days! Ho Ho Ho! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerry Christmas! Ho Ho Ho!

Mental note to self #3: Stop it.


Here we go:


Wrapping paper or gift bags?

For most of the year, I’m all about the gift bag. A bag lady, if you will. Or you don’t have to. It’s up to you. Just know that if you do, I’m not your average bag lady. I smell better and shave more often.

However, for Christmas, I’m all about the paper. And I’m here to tell you that it’s long, hard, grueling, tedious work, being all about the paper. It’s no piece of cake. Which reminds me.

I’m hungry.

Mental note to self #4: Feed me.

It’s not uncommon for me to spend hours picking out wrapping paper, giving a lot of thought and consideration to its weight, sheen, color, pattern and dimensions, leaving and coming back to the store three or four times to get a fresh perspective, creating a mental picture of how the colors will combine under the tree.

Will they be balanced? Will they compliment each other? Will they look festive?

Will they joyfully scream IT’S CHRISTMAS! RIP ME OPEN!


Gosh, that sounds so familiar. I know I’ve heard that somewhere. I’ll have to ask Nate. I bet he’ll know.

Speaking of Nate, sometimes I drag him along to get his opinion on paper selection, but when that opinion is expressed after only 2.3 seconds of deliberation because he was distracted by his iTouch or his blackberry or whatever electronic gadget was cemented to his face at the time, I tend to hemorrhage all of my Christmas jollies all over the floor. And there’s nothing festive about that.

Do you like eggnog?

Yes, but only if it’s made with Dove dark chocolate eggs. Then it totally rocks. Otherwise, not on your life. Mine either.

White lights or colored lights?

After laboring for a combined total of 80 hours in order to have my uterus ripped to shreds twice so that two miniature human beings could burst forth from my body and control every single aspect of my life from that point on until eternity, I don’t think it’s too much to ask to have all white lights on our Christmas tree.

White lights, it is.

Blinking lights or non-blinking lights?

After laboring for a combined total of 80 hours in order to have my uterus ripped to shreds twice so that two miniature human beings could burst forth from my body and control every single aspect of my life from that point on until eternity, I don’t think it’s too much to ask to gaze upon my Christmas tree without the urge to pack an overnight bag and go on an acid trip.

Non-blinking lights, it is.

What’s on top of your tree?

After laboring for a combined total of 80 hours in order to have my uterus ripped to shreds twice so that two miniature human beings could burst forth from my body and control every single aspect of my life from that point on until eternity, I don’t think it’s too much to ask have a beautiful, wired ribbon bow atop our Christmas tree.

A star, it is.

Apparently, one worn out uterus and two little humans only get you so far. Who knew?

Mental note to self #5: Find a surrogate


That’s it! I’m done. It’s over. You can open your eyes now. It’s safe.

I’m hoping that before Christmas, I can post photos of some inked Christmas ornaments I made last year. They turned out beautifully. I’m just waiting for the photos to be restored to my hard drive. They’ve already been photoshopped and they make it look as if I actually knew what I was doing.

Mental note to self #6: Photoshop my life.

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21 thoughts on “Because I have no Photoshop, you’re stuck with this post”

  1. Avatar

    No eggnog for me either. No blinking lights, all my trees have white lights, everything outside has white lights accept my hubby won the war for colored and he gets the bushes. I’m all about the paper at Christmas myself.
    Good luck with your Photoshop and if you ever figure out how it can make you look 40 lbs. thinner……

  2. Avatar

    Oooh, it sounds like we have the same exact camera! Mine also lies with the gorgeous previews on the little screen, then downloads (uploads?) craptastic, blurred, wrongly-exposed shots that make me want to tear out my hair in frustration. (Which, if it is the hair in my upper lip region, is actually a bonus. Maybe my camera isn’t evil… it’s helping me beautify!)

    I’m also a white, nonblinking lights fan for both tree and outdoor lights. Kiddo, however, is a fan of the MORE BIGGER BRIGHTER RAINBOW BLINKING MORE MORE MORE lighting scheme and is bitter to be stuck in a boringly decorated home with her boring, white, small, nonblinking light parents. She gazes out our front windows at the Clark Griswold wannabe house across the street. I prefer the curtains closed because frankly, it hurts my eyes and all the out-of-sync blinking makes me woozy.

    Six more days and today’s weather sure looks like we’ll be having a white Christmas this year! Woo!!

  3. Avatar

    I’ll trade you, Andrea. I have PhotoShop but can’t figure the darn thing out. Bought PhotoShop for Dummies yesterday, but apparently I needed the one “PhotoShop for the dumber than Dummies”, my teenage son, sarcastically said, after noticing I’d been reading it for 3 minutes, “You have it mastered yet?”. It took every part of me to not hurl that boring, yellow book at him. On another note, our tree stands in the corner, without a decoration or light…and I don’t think my boys have noticed or care. These are the times I wish I had a girl! Can I come to NY and help you decorate?

  4. Avatar

    OMG! Have I mentioned before how absolutely HILARIOUS i find your blog? I love how real you are. And I’m extremely happy that you have nice ears. I don’t. I don’t think I have anything “NICE” anymore. I use to have nice eyes. Till they started to be enhanced with wrinkles. And my eyebrows stopped growing right. OMG, I’m falling apart! Getting old sucks I tell ya. In too many ways to mention.

  5. Avatar


    I am with you on the white non-blinking lights – I have no labour, but 3 c/section scars which trump most other things in this house.

    Have you any funny stories (of course you do!) about taking the kids to see Santa? If so, please visit my most recent blog post.

  6. Avatar

    sorry to hear about your hard drive …it sucks.. i would like egg nog but it doesn’t like me lactose intolerant :0( I really like white lights and lots of color with the ornaments…and come to think of it I am a little hungry too…lol to eat something :0)

  7. Avatar

    we go for the gentle fading lights here, no blinking and we have a star and a fairy, the fairy is wired to the star crucifixion style LMAO

    Michael went and cut our tree today, I can’t wait for mum and da to arrive so I can start decorating!!

  8. Avatar

    You definitely need that falling snow on your blog! It would be perfect! I love white lights (non-blinking) and as long as it lights up, I don’t care WHAT is on top of my tree. LOL

    ps. I’m having a Big Mac for supper 😛

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