Bovines have Mad Cow. Humans have Stupid.

Nate

Twelve years ago, I was falling in love with a tall, dark, handsome IT guy named Nate, whose snoring issues were but a gleam in his eye.

When I wasn’t at work taking people’s houses away speedy quick in the bloodsucking cesspool that was the foreclosure department of Scum & Bucket LLC, or at my condo chasing after my three year old daughter Zoe, I spent my time sucking in my stomach, wrestling with contacts, wearing high heels, stabbing myself in the eye with eyeliner, buying pretty panties and saying such idiotic things as I think I’ll just have the salad, thank you.

Because when you’re falling in love, you suffer from a debilitating case of Stupid on a daily basis. This explains why I wore dental floss as underwear and consumed more lettuce in those first few months than Thumper’s extended family, times ten.

And why, when Nate asked me over the phone to go rollerblading, I said I thought you’d never ask! Meet you in ten minutes.

I conveniently forgot that I had packed my skates away for eternity because I had learned the hard way that if God had meant for me to roll around on wheels, he would have birthed me as a Buick.

The hard way occurred a couple of months prior, when some friends from work decided that in order for me to take full advantage of life as a newly single woman, I needed not only a new wardrobe but also a hobby so as to facilitate meeting shiny new XY chromosomes. The wardrobe part was easily taken care of after a couple of hours at Banana Republic but the hobby part proved to be a bit more difficult and was ultimately taken care of after a couple of hours at a bar. As my friends tossed back alcohol, they lobbied some hobbies which I quickly discarded one after another as utterly ridiculous. Like water skiing (I’m allergic to falling down, especially in water), rock climbing (I’m allergic to hauling my own weight) and biking (I’m allergic to swollen crotch.) After rejecting 43 other ideas, they muzzled me and then unanimously agreed on rollerblading, to which I capitulated. In my defense, I agreed only because I couldn’t breathe. And I was thirsty.

So I went out and bought myself some funky new rollerblades and color-coordinated elbow pads and knee pads and wrist guards and one bright, Saturday morning, I met my friends at the path that ran alongside the canal. I threw down my equipment and let them have at me.

They showed me how to tie it, lace it, snap it, button it, velcro it, tighten it, loosen it and adjust it.

They showed me how to stand up, which I only did once. I did, however, stand back up no less then 192 times because apparently there is some obscure rule in rollerblading that says when you fall, you are not allowed to lie there and wail like a baby.

For several hours, I practiced pushing off on one foot and following through with the other, until I was pretty sure I was doing a reasonable facsimile of a glide and bore only a slight resemblance to a drunk Michelin Man failing a sobriety field test.

Stopping was an entirely different matter and the one and only time I tried to circle to my right, I wound up in a spin that lasted three days and resulted in me answering to the name of Harold Bibbits for the remainder of the week.

Eventually, I learned to smash into things to stop myself. I looked for trees, poles, walls, cars or other inanimate objects. In a pinch, I’d careen into a human but they weren’t as much fun because whereas a wall will just stand there mute, a human will sway dangerously and be noticeably un-mute and possibly combative, thereby pretty much sucking all the fun out of it.

After several days of rollerblading instruction, I was covered in bruises and sore enough to suspect that a herd of buffalo had trampled over me in my sleep. I packed my skates away and decided to take up napping.

But then I met Nate.

And it took all of a nano second before I started suffering the most crippling bouts of Stupid ever and this is coming from someone who once sported black and white polka-dotted lacy ankle socks with patent leather high heels back in the eighties.

Don’t ask. Did I mention it was the eighties? It’s entirely possible my hair was cutting off oxygen to my frontal lobe.

We’re all familiar with how a crippling case of Stupid attacks when you’re falling in love, right? I think it has something to do with your immune system becoming compromised because all your blood cells are staging a mass exodus from your brain and heading for places south of the border.

  • Your honey calls and asks you to go rollerblading and you develop sudden onset short term memory loss.
  • You dig up your funky rollerblades, grab your rose colored sunglasses and hightail it out the door.
  • You meet him on a trail that you have never seen before.
  • When your inner voice reminds you that Chapter Three of Rollerblading for The Stupid and Insane instructs you to be familiar with your terrain to reduce the risk of death, you tell it to shut the hell up and mind its own business, do you bother it when it’s lusting after chocolate brownies?
  • You gear up and push off, following him down the trail.
  • You manage to stay vertical and are pleasantly surprised to find out that it doesn’t suck that much.
  • You catch up with him, just in time to see the dip in the trail.
  • You realize the dip is not so much of a dip as it is a sheer drop into the depths of hell.
  • You panic.
  • You realize there are no walls or cars or complete strangers to smash into.
  • You quickly decide that you can’t fall on your honey because he might be able to determine your weight.
  • The skin on your face is being stretched all the way to the back of your head as you reach a speed of Mach 10.
  • You decide to simply fall down and hope for the best because, at your core, you are a colossal idiot to the tenth power.
  • You quickly discover that falling down at warp speed causes your shorts to hike up to previously undiscovered territory.
  • You smile as you whip by your honey on your fanny, lest he think you didn’t plan the entire thing.
  • You try not to worry about the sticks and stones and various pieces of debris as they embed themselves into your thighs and ass and places unknown.
  • You skid for five minutes or five hours, you can’t be sure.
  • You finally come to a stop with enough gravel in your nether regions to pave Route 1.
  • You try not to cry in front of your honey as he gently picks you up and carries you to the car and slumps you, ass up, in the back seat.
  • You bid a fond farewell to the seventeen layers of epidermis and subcutaneous fat you left behind on the trail.
  • You spend a romantic evening at home, getting sprayed with OTC Lidocaine and having your honey use tweezers to extract foreign objects from the swollen, bloody and bruised mess that is your posterior.

Days afterward, as you slowly and painfully hobble down the halls of your office, you’ll come out from under the haze of Stupid. And after it takes you ten minutes to sit down in a chair, atop a towel to soak up the oozing, you’ll dream of morphine and tell yourself that the memory of this pain is all you’ll ever need to prevent another recurrence of this horrific disease.

Until a couple of months go by, and then the phone will ring and your honey will be on the other end and you’ll hear yourself uttering the prophetic words Skiing? You read my mind! Pick me up in an hour.

.

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88 thoughts on “Bovines have Mad Cow. Humans have Stupid.”

  1. I know all too well the crippling case of Stupid that comes with falling in love. For me, it resulted in tennis, early in the morning, on a weekend, the day after having stayed out until 4am (on a date with him). In the spitting-down rain, which did wonders for my Early 90s-but-still-living-like-it’s-the-Late-80s, large, permed hair. I also did Stupid Skiing, in which I fell off the chairlift and went face first into a giant, slushy, muddy snowpile/puddle.

    And yet, both of our respective honeys married us. So, who *really* had a crippling case of Stupid, I ask you? πŸ˜€

  2. First off…….GREAT pic of Nate! Love the hair on the face πŸ˜‰ ok rollerblades?? omg… I’ve managed to avoid them in favor of what I do best, sitting and watching! LOL

  3. You do realize that skiing is basically the same as rollerblading, only with different funky things on your feet. I guess this is where we differ, Sister, because I adore both, and the faster the better.

  4. I’ve done Stupid for Love on a number of occasions. I’ve spent the past 5 years attempting to undo the impression I gave 20 years ago when I stupidly decided to pretend to be a camping enthusiast because the man I loved, and all his friends just adore camping.

    I *hate* camping. The Super 8 with no wifi and only double beds is roughing it to me.

  5. rofl..way to funny. I will have to find something funny about my dating experience to share one day. oh wait, I don’t because the majority of my dating my DH we were throwing pot luck byob backyard gatherings either at his house or at his friends how. Snap…probably could tell some seriously interesting and embarrassing stories about our friends.

  6. Oh, I laughed when I read this. At least you were only Stupid a short time. I was out there in the dating world acting Stupid for 20 miserable YEARS. Then I said screw it, and adopted my kids and life got a whole lot better. Now I eat what I want, wear elastic waisted pants, and laugh a lot.

  7. darn you write so good, i love reading your blog.

    You blogged, I blogged, we all scream blog train!!
    Stopping by from the DST Blog train
    Happy Scrapin’ Kat

  8. Oh yes. I’m quite sure I have been there and will be again. I’m head over heels for A, and would do nearly *anything* for the man πŸ™‚

  9. Ahh yes, I know that stupid! “Hey, wanna go to the beach with me and my roommate?” “Sure, pick me up in 10 minutes” Never mind that the beach is on LAKE ONTARIO where there is sun so infrequently that they report it on the news (“Folks, we’ve had 17 minutes of sunshine in the month of November, let’s hope December lightens up!”). Suffice it to say there were 9 straight hours of sunlight that no sunscreen could possibly defy. “Nah, I’m not getting pink, I always do that, it’ll go away by morning, we can stay a little longer.” Now I know why they say that skin is an organ – the sounds that came out of me as great sheets of skin were sloughing off when I tried to dress the next day could only be made by a 440hz 3000 voice Aeolian-Skinner pipe organ!
    But I’ll bet you knew when he picked all that gravel out of your butt that he was a keeper! Worked for me too – these things do tend to separate the men from the boys!

  10. wow. rollerblading and skiing? i would’ve just suggested shopping at target. if you know what i mean. and i know you do. unless you don’t. then in that case, you impress me with your mad athletic skillz.

  11. ROFLMBOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK OK I’m gonna have to come back in the
    morning to read more of your blog….ROFL…..I am just now getting over the flu and I’m laughing so hard I can’t freakin breathe…shame on you girl!!!!!!!! ROFL!!!!!! You have a new follower here and I know that I will look forward to reading your blog daily…just
    not while I’m drinking anything…I will fry my keyboard as the liquid comes out me
    nose!!! *_*

    Hugs,
    Regi

  12. My butt officially hurts!! You are a dating trooper girl! Holy cow. I have so been there though. I told a boyfriend that I would *love to go hunting*. Then I remembered that I’m afraid of guns and also, I like Bambi. Thankfully I didn’t have to endure this mess because we ended up breaking up before hunting season. Ah…. the little things.

  13. Looks like it was all worth it! Great post…I’m here from SITS. So glad you finally got your turn in the spotlight. I predict you will have many new followers!

  14. Hahaha…and then you get married and you go “skiiing? Are you out of your mind, it’s freezing out there. Now grab a basket of clothes and help me fold this crap.”

  15. Aww, that’s sweet! I’ve never rollerbladed, or skiied for that matter, for these very reasons. I’m not coordinated like that. I love your “God would have birthed you as a Buick” if he’d meant for you to roll around line, totally cracked me up. Happy SITS Day to you again!

  16. This story makes me thankful my honey is clumsy and would never ask me to do such things!!

    (especially because I have no idea how to rollerskate/blade and typically look like I’m trying to ride a scooter when I attempt just activities.)

  17. This is hilarious! I went on a roller skating date with my eventually to be husband, it was probably our third date and I was a freshman in high school. But we met at the roller skating rink (with safe walls all around for support) and I used roller skates and he used roller blades. I remember him whizing by me a couple of times as I tried to maintain my balance. After that, we only skated on a cement parking lot. So funny though, I totally get the point behind your post. Happy SITS day!

    Anna

  18. See, your mistake was in falling on the pavement. What you should do (and I say this from experience) is throw yourself face first into the dirt and grass next to the trail. It saves the skidding and generally avoids loss of skin and fat.

  19. LOL! Your rollerblading fun sounds quite similar to mine! I must run into things to stop. It hurts the first few times, but you get used to it…either that or you just lose all feeling from the bruises and welts that it just doesn’t matter anymore.

    ~WM

  20. I think we’ve all been there – while it wasn’t my first date with DH, he bought me rollerblades and I learned with him. Another guy took me jet skiing. Ah, the things we do when newly single!

  21. This made me giggle hysterically.

    I think we’ve all done something stupid for love… once, I ate a bunch of red meat (I was a vegetarian and my love interest was NOT… he kept bugging me to try his steak so I gave in) just to impress this guy. Um, not a good idea.
    :::::rubs stomach::::: Ouch.

  22. Sad but true.

    The only small victory I have with the male population is that I eat. I mean, that’s one of my defining characteristics. I like to eat and I like to eat things like steak, BBQ chicken sandwiches and lots of pie. Other than that, I’m just as big a twit as can be.

    I enjoyed reading about this date, though. Gives me hope!

  23. Ahhhh Amore will make us do crazy things! I gave up rollerblading when I was 16 and I have to say I am glad I never took it back up. I had a similar event with a snowboard and I have never hurt so much in my life! Happy SITS Day!

  24. Oh man, the visuals I had going from this post were amazing…I cannot WAIT to find the carnage that stems from cold sores and orange pee! Can.not.wait. Well, maybe I myself should pee first…some things should be prioritized…consider me a stalker.

  25. “You quickly decide that you can’t fall on your honey because he might be able to determine your weight. ”

    That is hysterical and oh so true! So, how did the skiing go?

  26. Hahha, I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Love makes us stupid! Especially the part about wearing dental floss as undies ;-). I attempted snowboarding for a guy once and gave up after the umpteenth time of falling on my face and planted myself in the lodge with a White Russian instead! I’m not the coordinated kind.

    Your blog is hilarious-Happy Sits day!

  27. I absolutely love the way you write… you’re hysterical! And exactly the reason I’m a part of SITS… to find bloggers like you! I’m off to follow you.

  28. Ha! I think that we have all been hit by the Stupids at one time or another. when I was in “in love” I thought that I would get some colored contacts, it worked great until one day I left the house with one blue eye and one brown eye. Aaaah! Memories! Happy SITS!

  29. Hahhahaa! My husband tried to roller blade soon after we married. He just had to try it, he looked like a giraffe on roller skaters. Lucky for us he didn’t break anything cept his pride.
    Very happy SITS day!

  30. Too funny, the thing we do for cute boys! I love to Rollerblade but even if you’re good you can have your off days. In college I decided it’d be faster to rollerblade to Store 24 to pick up a pack of Parliaments (I gave em up since) instead of walk because I was drunk as a skunk and it was 2 am so I strapped them on and headed out only to end up face down spread eagle in the middle of Kenmore Square in Boston having tripped over some pot hole. LOSER! All for a pack of butts…I deserved it.

  31. Okay, I’ve never been rollerblading and I can still so relate to your post. Pretending to be really clean when I’m really a slob, actually doing my hair once in awhile, fretting over what I was wearing were all some of the things I did. Found you through SITS and will continue to visit.

  32. wouldn’t it be nice if we could blame that kind of stuff on our version of mad cow…? oh, don’t mind her, she’s just suffering from a case of mad woman disease – her pills just haven’t kicked in yet! I always thought it would be good if we could have the grace we give preschoolers, too. Like “Isn’t she precious in that big tutu she’s wearing to work today?” or “He just needs a little time out.” or “She’s just cranky because it’s naptime… it’s so hard to be 35.”

  33. Hahahaha! You are one brave soul! I can skate…like the old fashioned “disco” skates. You know white boot pink wheels. Put the wheels in a line….not so much.

  34. Great story! I picked up rollerblading very quickly, but I’ll never forget watching my best friend using bushes and walls to propel herself along, while her legs staying ramrod awkward, like a newborn fawn unprepared to make that first step. You have taken me back to that hilarious moment; thank-you πŸ˜‰

  35. i know have a very realistic vision of your nether regions that you’d probably rather I didn’t! But just like avitable’s testicle, the darn thing is seared in there!

  36. Okay, thanks for sharing. We all feel better knowing that coming down with a case of Stupid really does happen to other people!
    Great blog, really!
    Happy SITS day! I think I’ll stick around a while.
    ***Ally

  37. OMG, my butt hurts just reading about that travesty of stupidness, that rollerblading nightmare, the skinned bum from hell… You poor thing. But the good news is – you got the guy! Cheers from SITS!

  38. Stopping by from SITS!

    I love it. I did this one time with an ex. It ended with me screaming at two women with strollers to “get out of the way or I’m going to SMASH into you….I cannot stooooooooooop” and him having to grab me, and throw us onto the lawn to stop me from killing them and their innocent children. We crashed, but I was wearing padding. His knee was scraped and I had to take him to the hospital for Xrays….where it was revealed there was a bone fragment chipped off his patella….not my finest moment, but who can stop on those things? Seriously. He’s all “just lean back on the stopper”. Um I have the balance of a baby giraffe on ice, and you put wheels on my feet and we’re heading down hill…I just screamed and let him throw me πŸ˜€

    Ah the stupids!

    Great blog!

  39. OMG, ROFL! I used to take my dog rollerblading…all 80 pounds of her until the day I landed, on my elbow in front of three neighbors in another neighbor’s yard because I didn’t REALLY know how to stop….well at least not when pulled by a dog chasing a rabbit!

    I have never been on mine since…..and like you, would totally do it if a guy called and asked if I wanted to!

    BTW, whatever happened with the guy? Did you have more dates? Marry him?

  40. This is terrific, and spot on! Thanks for a good long laugh!

    Happy SITS Day (yes, I’m late, but then I’m still working on our “holiday” letter… for 2007. What do you want from me? Bwah-hah-hah!

  41. Great post! Sorry to laugh at your pain but it was too funny. I have never roller bladed (and now I don’t want too!) I did have some roller skates as a child that my mom took away because she thought I would get hurt. Maybe it was a good call on her part after all. Happy belated SITS Day!

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