Caution: Disclaimers ahead!

Disclaimers are kind of nifty, don’t you think? Who doesn’t like to occasionally disavow responsibility, claim ignorance or shirk an obligation or two? It’s kind of fun. Try it sometime!

I’m going to write my very first blog disclaimer. If it goes over well, I might just write a disclaimer for my entire life and then I can die with DON’T LOOK AT ME, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT on my tombstone.

Are you ready?

Here it goes:

DISCLAIMER #1: This blog post was actually written this past weekend, before we left our snow covered state in search of some Carolina blue sky. So if this post irritates or confuses you because it makes no sense in light of recent world events … it’s not my fault. I’m not aware of any recent world events because I’ve been trapped in a car for fourteen hours and I probably smell like feet and I doubt I can form a coherent thought.

DISCLAIMER #2: If there are no recent world events to speak of, nevermind.

I hope this publishes the way it’s supposed to, because otherwise, you’re not there reading this and I’m talking to myself which means I’ve got about a five minute window before I bore me to death.

If all has gone well, we’re currently ensconced in my parents’ house in North Carolina and it’s very possible that right about now, I’m sitting in front of their computer, waiting for it to boot up so I can check my email and wave to all of you.

Hey everyone! ((((((waving furiously)))))))

Remind me to berate myself for not dragging my parents kicking and screaming into the 21st century by hooking them up with DSL as an early Christmas present.

If all has not gone well, Nate took a wrong turn and we’re probably in Alaska which is pretty cool because I can see Russia from here.

DISCLAIMER #3: I have no intention of running for President in 2012. You’re welcome.

Wherever I happen to be, I’ll be there for the next several days and I wish I could say that I got my life together enough to have posts scheduled for the remainder of this week but that would be a big, fat, colossal lie and I don’t lie.

DISCLAIMER #4: Statements contained herein should be taken with big, fat, colossal grains of salt.

Seriously, I was too busy peeing Agent Orange every twenty minutes to create anything worth reading, so for the first time ever since I gave birth to my blog, I’m leaving it alone for a week. I hope it behaves itself while I’m gone. Keep an eye on it for me, will you? If I come home to thongs in our trees and vodka bottles in our bushes, I’m going to have concerns.

DISCLAIMER #5: I have no personal experience with thongs in trees.

DISCLAIMER #6: With regard to Disclaimer #5, see Disclaimer #4

I leave you with yet another figment of Helena’s overactive imagination:

I think it’s a penguin. I’m not sure. I’ve decided to call it Fred.

I wish you all a very wonderful and safe and happy Thanksgiving holiday! One piece of advice: elastic waistbands are your friend. Have a burp on me.

For all of my friends who do not celebrate Gobble Gobble day: have a great week! Elastic waistbands are your friend too.

For all of you insanity junkie freaks of nature who are going to be standing in some line, somewhere, at 3:00 a.m., on Friday morning, I’ve got one word for you: XANAX.

Stay safe and I’ll be back in about a week.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Or, at least, get caught at.

DISCLAIMER #7: I’ve never been caught.


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20 thoughts on “Caution: Disclaimers ahead!”

  1. Avatar

    Will the Xanax make me sleep? I’ve been waking up at about 3am EVERY FREAKIN DAY for the last few weeks now. So if I’m out in a line at 3am on Friday it’s because I was already up, my in laws, husband and kids are driving me insane, and I had to get out of the house before I killed one of them. And just for the record, I wouldn’t actually kill any of them, because that would be messy, and I would be the one to have to clean it up. Clean up would suck all the fun out of it.

  2. Avatar

    Hope you are enjoying your stay thus far, and have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

    At least you aren’t going to be dealing with the snow up here at home for the next few days…. I mean that’s something, right?

    We do the Trek to the Motherland at Christmas, ourselves. Not quite as far (just NJ) but still – that stretch through Pennsylvania? The “Now Entering the Endless Mountains Region” is dead-on accurate, because it sure does feel endless!!

  3. Avatar

    You had me laughing and thats something I rarely do before my first cup of coffee in the morning.

    Does your strechie wasteband give enough to fit your turkey’d thighs into? LOL – I can just imagine this, the weight going on in the faint outline of a turkey carcass, someone should photoshop that idea.

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    You were a couple of people ahead of me on SITS roll call this morning…I had no idea was I was getting into when I decided to come over for a little visit…

    Holy Crap!! I have literally spent the last half an hour (or more) reading your blog…laughing inside the whole time (yes, I am at work and probably shouldn’t laugh out loud…that might alert them to the fact that I’m not really working!).

    You are freaking hilarious! I’m defnitely going to have to come back and read more…that is if you survived the 14 hour car trip there and back!

    Happy Thanksgiving.

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    Hi Andrea!

    You are toooo funny!
    I am sorry I didn’t get back to you before you left. It feels like forever since we have talked or seen one another. I am once again pasty white (my florida tan is gone!!) I must shed really fast! YUCK!!

    ANyway… been really crazy here. It sounds like you haven’t been feeling well either. I hope you are doing better today.

    Best wishes on a wonderful Turkey day!

    Gobble, Gobble!

    Call me when you get back!

  6. Avatar

    Thanks for the holiday bundle of laughs, Andy! They go well with the pre-teen sobs of anger and frustration being tossed at me by the tween of the house. Where’s my Xanax?

  7. Avatar

    No matter how ‘politically correct’ I attempt to be, it seems like every other post on my blog needs 7 disclaimers as well. People are always pissed off at me!

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