Coming soon to a road near you

Every so often I allow myself one feeding frenzy at the all-you-can-eat lunacy trough, just so I can get in touch with my own inner batshit crazy and make sure it’s still up to challenge. The last thing I want is my batshit crazy to languish and atrophy because I won’t be able to distinguish it from my metabolism and then where will I be?

The last time I stuffed my psyche’s face at this trough was back in February 2010 while driving our Durango home from the IKEA in Pittsburgh and we all know how that ended.

This time around, I’ve been standing at the damn trough for so long, my feet have grown roots and I have a permanent hunchback. Not to mention my emotional stability is so distended from gorging itself on the never-ending buffet of whackadoodle, it’s got stretch marks and on more than one occasion, I’ve mistaken it for my stomach.

For my own sanity, I decided to no longer stand at this damn trough but rather, sit down on the couch, make myself comfy and hold out for a full-blown midlife crisis instead because I hear they’re a lot more fun. To prepare for it, I bought myself my very first thong. Look for a post coming your way soon entitled WHY AM I WEARING A COLONOSCOPY ON MY ASS?

But just as I was settling down to await my crisis by eating my weight in Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies while watching a marathon of Real Housewives of New York City…

… Zoe decided to shoot my life to hell by signing up for her driver’s license test.

This was Zoe, filled with nervous excitement, right before her test was to start.

If I had known how to shoot video with my phone, you would have heard her saying something like “Ten more minutes until the world as you know it changes forever, Mom!” and then you would have seen a panning shot of the clouds and the sky and then more clouds and then more sky and then a bunch of shaky trees and then some grass and dirt and then someone probably would have zoomed in an emotionally fragile, bespectacled, perimenopausal woman lying flat on her back from the OH MY GODness of it all.

But only if that someone didn’t care about being grounded until she turned thirty.

This was Zoe’s instructor.

My first thought was that he might keel over and die of old age before Zoe completed her test, thus making it null and void and forcing her to reschedule it for sometime in 2021, which was the only time I could find in my busy schedule to drive her back here.

But he was all perky and said stuff like Howdy, there! Ready to rock and roll? Let’s get moving, then! and he showed absolutely no signs of kicking the bucket anytime soon, let alone in the next ten minutes.

My second thought was DAMN IT ALL TO HELL.


This is Zoe, pulling away from the curb.

Again, if I had known how to shoot video with my phone, you would have seen a shot of the car driving away with the camera running after it and you’d probably hear some delusional maniac frantically shouting HEY! SHE FORGOT TO USE HER TURNING SIGNAL! THAT’S LIKE, A TWENTY POINT PENALTY, RIGHT?

And then you’d have probably seen some footage of stubble on a pale, white leg walking slowly to the sidewalk with a voice over of HEY! WHOSE JOB WAS IT TO REMIND ME TO SHAVE TODAY?

You know, it’s probably a good thing no one knows how to shoot video on my phone.

While waiting for life to end as I know it, Helena and I had ourselves a nice conversation in which I commented on what a gorgeous day it was and how upset I was that her big sister had to go and muck it all to hell by growing up and how Helena was my baby and would always be my baby and how I was so happy that she wouldn’t do horribly stupid things to her mama like dating and applying to college and then she said something about there being a little over 2,000 days until Zoe and I would be sitting in these same chairs in this same spot as she took her own driver’s license test and OH MY GOSH, MOM, HOW COOL IS THAT?

And then I said something about Santa going out on permanent disability with a hernia and how I no longer loved her best.

And then we stopped talking.

When Zoe returned from her test, she and the instructor spent a full five minutes in the car, discussing the results of her test.

Coincidentally, I spent that same five minutes yelling WELL? WELL? WELL? WELL? and having a myocardial infarction.

Or twenty.

And then the verdict came in and as I did with the OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony trials and the 2000 presidential election and the rumors about Anderson Cooper, I went into immediate denial and demanded a recount and threatened to become a lesbian and move to Canada.




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46 thoughts on “Coming soon to a road near you”

  1. Avatar

    Time to give the grocery list and coupons over to Zoe! That’s the only upside I see to having a child that drives, she can start doing your errands for you!

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    Congrats Zoe!! YAY! Now you have someone to do *those* chores for ya Andy! The errands we all hate? LOL! Funny how much I remember loving to do those things suddenly after I got my license!

  3. Avatar

    whoa. wow. No WAY!

    ..taking notes… because, you know, my son turned 16 in June!

    I am so damned lucky he’s at camp for 6 weeks.

    … dinner? drinks?…. the week is half gone. πŸ™‚

  4. Avatar

    *whispering* Don’t tell Andy, but it doesn’t get any easier. Pretty soon Zoe will be taking cross-country road trips with her friends. I just spent the last 8 days with my worry-meter on “thermonuclear panic mode” while my DD was off on “vacation.”

  5. Avatar

    Oh I am SO not ready for this.

    This will be me when my daughter goes for her license. Why do kids have to muck it all up by “growing up?” This growing up business is really annoying!

  6. Avatar

    Congrats to Zoe!!!! I have 7 years before my oldest gets his. Assuming I let him take the test. I’ve already told him I need to see much more responsible decision making & behavior out of him now if he expects to drive before he is 18.

  7. Avatar

    Congratulations, I guess! Having been through it twice I can attest that it is lovely to see them spread their wings, although a lot more expensive. And I hated all those used cars they “went through”** on their way to adult hood.

    Glad to see you today!

    ** a nice way to say wrecked

  8. Avatar

    Ha! Teenagers – where do they get the nerve?
    It’s so hard to watch them grow up. My daughter is turning 14 in Oct and already talking about how she’s going to be driving in two years.
    She wants to go car shopping already. LOL

  9. Avatar

    I’m NOT looking forward to having to go through this whole experience with my own kids. Good luck having a young driver in the family. I’m sure you’ll get plenty of gray hairs from it. LOL!

    Congratulations Zoe!

  10. Avatar

    I remember aging at least 20 years when my son learned to job & got his license. The first accident came a week later – at least he got it out of the way quickly.

  11. Avatar

    Congrats to Zoe on getting her license. The best thing about my daughter getting her license is that I no longer have to drive with her. She complains I never let her drive now.

  12. Avatar

    The upside to this is that you will spend 5000000 less hours in the car shuttling her around. Although you’ll lose a few years off your life hoping she gets home safely.

  13. Avatar

    As if you didn’t have enough to deal with, now Zoe goes and gets her driver’s license??? At least I have 10 years before I have that crisis…

    PS: All the rumors about Anderson Cooper are true. Becoming a Canadian lesbian won’t help the situation either. πŸ˜€

  14. Avatar

    what a great post! I don’t yet feel your pain as my daughter is a baby, but I’m not at all looking forward to her growing up and driving away…. (New reader from MBC)

  15. Avatar

    I love love love your blog! I just started reading it today and I’m completely ENAMORED. Continue doing what you do <3

  16. Avatar

    You bought your first thong?! Woohoo! Now grow out your hair and get some contacts, and people will think you have a 23 year old boyfriend πŸ™‚

  17. Avatar

    Thanks Penelope, I totally missed the thong and had to go back and reread. Love it. Congrats to Zoe on being a driver. Congrats to you on your colonoscopy underwear. You are a braver woman than I. Figure I spent most of my youth digging my underwear out of that crack, I am not spending my middle age doing the same. Some things are just not worth repeating.

  18. Avatar

    Congratulations to your lovely daughter Zoe. I’m sure her nervousness turned to exciting relief when she passed the driving test. she deserves it. I’m sure she practiced so well. But still, she needs to be a careful from now on. No matter how much she is careful in driving, accidents are still possible. Drive safely!

  19. Avatar

    I brought my daughter wow it has been five years and I remember it like yesterday.. We were in her brothers car and the lady who would be the ‘tester’ got in and literally swept the seat off I was sitting on .. I looked at my daughter and gave her a funny look. I knew she would be failed her first time out LOL. That lady had a stick up her rear from the moment she got in the little ride πŸ™‚

  20. Avatar

    Congratulations, Zoe! You must be floating on the clouds right now. I remember getting my first driver’s license, and it was the best! My parents would always go in a panic mode every time I join road trips with friends. I always drive safely so they should not worry a lot. Just beware; there’ll be more errands waiting for you. I’m real happy for you.

  21. Avatar

    I’ve gotta stop going on vacation. I miss all the good stuff!! Congrats to Zoe, Sympathies to mom. And Shhhhhhh don’t tell my 15 year old. I’m actively avoiding the whole DMV thing as long as possible!

  22. Avatar

    CONGRATULATIONS TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t think I’m EVER going to get Cassie to even want her license. I probably need to stop driving her places.

    And also YAY!!!! You’re back!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  23. Avatar

    Aw, she looks so proud in her pic and you are all white knuckling it in your stadium chair pic. You did the right thang mamma. She’s a good girl.

  24. Avatar

    My monster got hers in mid-June. I’m still shaking. And at the same time, delighting in sending her hither and yon on errands I don’t want to do. Like grocery shopping!

    Today she’s driving her brother to his counseling appointment. I just got back from vacation and really needed to stay put, so I handed her the keys and literally said “PLEASE be careful. My whole world is in that car.”

    I will be getting NOTHING of importance done until they get back.

  25. Avatar

    I love that you took a picture of the instructor. that’s hilarious.
    I am terrified of the day my boys want to get their licenses. 4 teenage boys driving? Um, no thank you. My plan is to make them all wait till they are 18. We’ll see if I can stick to it.

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