Dear stupid people everywhere, especially in parking lots

Dear Stupid People,

Hi!ย  ((waving))

You don’t know me, but I was in the parking lot with you guys yesterday.

That was me, in the red Honda, trying to back out of my parking space.

Remember me, Mr. Blue Tricked-Out Ford Pickup?

How about you, Miss I Managed To Shove My Size HIPPOS AT PLAY Ass Into Size Six Electric Blue Stretch Pants?

Hey, I totally get the whole waiting game when it comes to parking spaces, especially at Wegmans. I’ve been known to wait a full five minutes for a good parking space during January when the parking lot has been transformed into a frozen tundra of hell and I’ve forgotten to pack the dogsled in the trunk and the next nearest parking space is three miles up Shit’s Creek.

Been there, done that, so I get where you’re coming from.

But you know what would have made this a much more enjoyable experience for all of us? And by all of us, I mean me?

Really? No idea?

Allow me.

  • If you, Mr. Blue Tricked-Out Ford Pickup, had waited for my parking space without blocking me in. Yes, I saw your ginormous blinker flashing at me like a strobe light and made a mental note to buy new retinas at Target later that afternoon. I even gave you a little wave to signal that I was, indeed, aware that you were waiting for my spot and that instead of standing there reciting War and Peace as I had originally intended, I would proceed as expeditiously as possible to vacate the premises and allow us each to get on with our day. If you had stopped picking your nose for two seconds, you might have gotten a clue and backed up your pimped-out behemoth accordingly.
  • If you, Mr. Blue Nose-Picking Tricked-Out Ford Pickup, had not glared at me and beeped your horn incessantly, presumably because you feared the acre of rubber that served as your bumper was in immediate peril of playing kissy with my roof, forcing me to raise my index, middle and ring fingers and yell at you to read between the lines.
  • If you, Mr. Foul Mouthed, Nose-Picking, Cesspool of Miscreant DNA Driving An Ugly Ass Pickup, had simply backed the hell up all the way to the very edge of the earth and then fell backwards. Preferably last week. Taking your blue, tricked-out penis with you.
  • If you, Miss Herd of Hippos, had worn only one gold necklace instead of 27, as well as darker pants made out of something other than elastic and which fit within a 20 mile radius of PROPERLY. Perhaps then, sunlight would have been your friend. But instead, it treated you like a 500 pound sausage dripping in fat, bouncing millions of rays of light off your many glistening rolls, directly into the eyes of unsuspecting drivers trying unsuccessfully to back out of parking spaces blocked by blue, tricked-out scrotums.
  • If you, Miss Blinged-Out Herd of Hippos, had not signaled to me to continue backing out when you had every intention of continuing to walk behind me while I was doing so. Yes, I know that pedestrians have the right of way, which is why I stopped so as to allow you to proceed. Three times. And three times, you rolled your eyes, did a weird neck thing, yelled at me and waved me on, only to continue walking as soon as I inched backward, laughing the entire time. You left me no choice but to assume you are a drag queen with cojones the size of Epcot. Your utter lack of respect caused my left hand to show you that it’s your number one fan with the universally accepted hand signal for such. In stereo, since my right hand immediately followed suit.
  • If you, Miss Blinged-Out, Hippofied, F*cked Up, Walking Personification of Tim Gunn’s Bad Acid Trip had simply walked to the very edge of the earth and jumped off. Preferably in 1980.

Gosh, guys. I don’t know about you, but I feel tons better now!




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86 thoughts on “Dear stupid people everywhere, especially in parking lots”

  1. Avatar

    Wow, were we in the same parking lot today with Mr. Testosterone Tricked-out Smurf Blue Lovin’ Truck man who is apparently trying to over compensate? … I think so.

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    OMG … I don’t know where you get these … adjectives but they seriously do a number on my funny bone. I agree, the parking lot is not a place for a Foul Mouthed, Nose-Picking, Cesspool of Miscreant DNA Driving An Ugly Ass Pickup with a blue, tricked-out penis nor is it a place for Blinged-Out, Hippofied, F*cked Up, Walking Personification of Tim Gunnโ€™s Bad Acid Trip trick ass ho’s and therefor the universal sign was fully warrented and used properly!!! Case dismissed!

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    *making note to self to not wear traditional grocery-shopping ensemble of midriff-baring baby-doll t-shirt and low-rise jeans nor any of my prodigious bling, nor drive my bright purple, leopard-print-seat covered, fuzzy dice-on the rearview mirror-hanging conversion van (a girl’s gotta have room for the “family” sized – but really single serving as we all know – Cheez Doodle bag weekly supply) out to the store once we move to your side of town*


  4. Avatar

    I know these people. I’ve dealt with them. I’ve blocked the memory until now.
    I’m sure that I know these folks because your descriptions are so concise. I can see them both in my head and it’s Not Good.
    Perhaps they shop at my Kroger…
    Maybe I’ve seen them at the doctor’s office…
    …my kids’ schools…
    …local restaurants…
    Wait, I know! They’re my in-laws.

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    Oh my that was a riot – obviously not while it was happening. Why do all the weirdos come out of the shadows in the parking lot, just to ruin your otherwise fabulous shopping experience – I got stuck in my park once, because 2 bone heads fought over my spot – I didn’t want to keep it, they could have it, just let me go in peace!

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    A little old lady with blue hair blew a stop sign last week while turning left right in front of me, and then gave me the “You’re Number One” sign as she did it. Her license plates were “Grammy S”. I think that stood for Grammy Sucks. F-You too, Grammy!

  7. Avatar

    Thank you thank you thank you! For starting off my morning right!! You are hilarious, and an extremely gifted writer!! Thank you for telling all those stupid people what the deal is, from all of us brilliant people!!!!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. Avatar

    LMFAO… Thanks for a giggle on a Monday morning! I wish I could be as witty and FUNNY as you this early in the week! Or, like, ever. ๐Ÿ˜›

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    Your so right! My special thing to do is when they give you the finger and beep ect,just give them a friendly wave and smile! They are totally shocked! I think they beleive I’m crazy,which by then I am!!!!!

  10. Avatar

    Did I write this or did you? I’m not sure.

    Blue, tricked-out penis! HA HA HA. Note to self: this is my new line.

    This is way way way funny. Do your kids ever tell you to calm down like mine do?

  11. Avatar

    ROFL. How I remember trying to park, anywhere, during the weekend, in upstate NY. It was HELL. Here it’s just like that everyday (do you know that they have parking attendents in half of our structures, here, in Hawaii, now, SHOWING US WHERE TO PARK???? how’s that for_____________ (fill in the blank))…ugh. Thanks for the laugh this morning, I was in dire need of it. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€

  12. Avatar

    Oh. My. God. Can’t. Breathe. … You so live on my planet. If you ever get a chance, please come to Quebec. You’d love it here. We have tricked out dicks all over the place….WITH the bling that weighs 15 tonnes around their necks, AND decked out in blue neon spandex. Hurry before they move!

  13. Avatar

    You never fail to make me laugh so hard that I literally snort outloud. Why haven’t you written a book already???!!!

    I’ve encountered jerks like that too in the parking lot. Nothing but pure evil, those people.

    Love the new look of your blog!!

  14. Avatar

    Sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you. I think I just got confused:)

    Hope you have a much less stressful trip to Wegman’s next time.

  15. Avatar

    This has GOT to be the best ever! I, too, have encountered friendly folks like these.

    I have a handicapped plate . . . but I can walk – just not far. You can’t imagine the idiots who think it is their duty to question me. “You don’t have a wheelchair, why are you in a handicapped spot?” . . . . I now tell them “You can have my handicap license plate if you take my handicap, too!”

    Some days I just hate people! Small children, dogs, cats and really old people should be the only creatures allowed out unattended!

  16. Avatar

    Ahahaaaaaaaaa! JUST what I needed this morning. I was just telling my husband yesterday that they let the jacka*ses out today, didn’t they? I’m going to have to send him the link to this post. He’s going to LOVE it!

    By the way, LOVE your new look!!! It’s very well and truly “you”. ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. Avatar

    thank you for so eloquently conveying many of my thoughts about people I encounter while in car parks and on the road..

    I am waiting for my kids to ask me what an utter useless moron is, they should hear me when I’m alone where you buttf*ckhead is often heard leaving my lips

  18. Avatar

    Found you on BPOTW. My favorite line – “If you, Miss Herd of Hippos, had worn only one gold necklace instead of 27” it made me LOL!

  19. Avatar

    I’m sorry I’m laughing so much you can probably hear me all the way from Italy! This was the funniest post I’ve read all week! I don’t know about you feeling better, but I feel better too! Loved it!

  20. Avatar

    You know I had to read this one first! And while I don’t have a Wegmen’s here, I most certainly have encountered that douche in the truck, and the fantastic ass of mile wide woman.
    Funny post! Happy SITS DAY!

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    OMG! How did I know that the “Dear Stupid People” post was going to be about people in a parking lot?! I wonder if it’s the parking lot that makes people stupid or if they always act that way? I’ve seemed to encounter a TON of people similar to what you have described in just the last week!

  22. Avatar

    Hahaha!! You must live near me! We have these types crawling all over the pavement (and snow) here! I want to give them a thumbs up only because they made for some great blog fodder. Another hilarious post!

  23. Avatar

    I can’t understand the reasoning behind putting electric blue pants on an ass of that size. What exactly, when looking in the mirror, would look appealing about that?

    Must be the same thing that makes a person a total parking lot failure.

    Great post!

  24. Avatar

    Oh, I have often fet this very way when visiting my local Wal-mart. My favorite line was the one about “which fit within a 20 mile radius of PROPERLY.” Too funny!

  25. Avatar

    I was going to write something witty and thought provoking to go along with this amazing entry but all I can write it…

  26. Avatar

    Wegmans?! I live in Rochester. “buy new retinas at Target later.” love that. Yes, people can be such idiots sometimes. How bad did you want to get out of the car and explain how you were feeling:) ?

  27. Avatar

    I just about died laughing. Have you not heard the saying that anyone who is driving a very tall truck like that is usually overcompensating for something he doesn’t have? When my husband told me this, I didn’t believe him. But now I do. Most of the time, some short guy gets out of the car. Or small guy in another category. Great post, very entertaining! *SITS* –Traci

  28. Avatar

    Okay, I needed you in the car with me on Dec 21 when I was stuck for 5 minutes trying to get out of a parking spot at the equivalent of an intersection without stop signs – where the hell were all the cars and pedestrians coming from just as I chose to back out?

    You are too hilarious! Happy SITS

  29. Avatar

    I live in a small NC college town, and I use that word loosely (town, I mean). People drive like giant, raging morons about 96% of the time. This forces me to scream at them from inside my car and to gesture wildly and passive aggressively as they stare at me with absolutely no understanding that they just cut me off/stole my parking spot/stole my arrow/treated a stop sign like an invitation to drive faster. I have hurt my throat several times and I’m shocked that I haven’t lost my voice.

    Point being (I have one, I promise), I understand every word written above and think you’re an outstanding human being for not mowing over the fat ass and not backing up into the jack-weed in the pick-up.

    Well done. Get yourself a cookie!

  30. Avatar

    So glad you were the SITS featured today. So desperate for adult relief after being in the house with 4-10 kids a day (depending on the day) since last Wednesday night that I skipped right to your “bonus” post just for the way you described it. And it didn’t disappoint. I’m still laughing.

  31. Avatar

    I feel like this every morning at my childrens daycare. The same women driving the same Lincoln Aviator always parks so close to me that I can not get the baby carrier out. Then as Im yelling at my oldest son to get back in the car because an idiot parked too close, she proceeds to say “Ill be done in just a minute” as she continues on her merry way to drop her kid off. So yes this helped me feel much better ๐Ÿ™‚

  32. Avatar

    That was funny. Is it just me or are people getting ruder by the week? It seems as if the world is over run by assholes who view public places as a stage to display their complete lack of social morays.

  33. Avatar

    Reminds me of the time I once saw a note on a car that had parked way too close to another car… it made it next to impossible for the car to get out. Like a sandwich, you know. The note had a photo of Mickey Mouse with his middle finger reading, “next time leave a can opener so I can get my f”(*&%n car out! , assh&*&$le!

  34. Avatar

    I love this post! I swear those people are at the Wal-Mart everytime I go there. And I’m going to be thinking of “size hippos at play” all day long.
    Happy SITS day!

  35. Avatar

    Hysterical! I love it and we were obviously seperated at birth. I hate stupid people and I hate rude people. I hate stupid people more though, and there are a whole lot of them out there…bothering me. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I had the opposite of the hippos at play the other when some lame ass little cheerleader who is off of high school this week slid before me into a spot at the gym so I have to haul my 3 kids in the rain to the daycare only to have the same Britney Spears white trash trailer park cousin standing in front of me in kickboxing. On top of that she keeps rolling her little boy shorts (I wear these things for underwear mind you, she thinks they are work out attire) over so they are freakin’ SMALLER!!! She’s already practically naked and her braids are flying everywhere while we’re sweating. I hate her, and she only looks like that because not only has she not had any children yet, which I am blaming my saddle bags on, but I doubt she’s hit puberty. And yet I’m going with the story that she’s blown every trainer in the gym. Hmmm, bitter much? Well if she didn’t take my spot I wouldn’t have wrote the whole blowing part, I’d just have thought it quietly to myself.

    Happy SITS!

  36. Avatar

    Men in tricked out trucks are almost always total douches. Apparently he was their King.

    I guess Miss Hippo Herd thought she was looking mighty fine…she needs intervention!

    I loved this letter. Haha. It had me rolling.

  37. Avatar

    You know I’ve been hit by another vehicle in a Wal-mart parking lot before; when I called my insurance company they informed me that MOST accidents happen in a Wal-mart parking lot. Funny, huh? I think it must be the crowd it attracts. An ironic thought, since I was there, but if made more money, I’d pay more to shop better ๐Ÿ˜‰ Great story!

  38. Avatar

    Mother of Mercy, Maven sent me over and boy am I GLAD! You are hysterical, and I think I was in the same parking lot! OY!!!!! What is WRONG with people????? I will now be following your blog for sure!!!!!!!!!!! Love it!!!! Pinky

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