First impressions on raising a puppy

What in God’s name was I smoking when I agreed to this?

Whatever it was? I’d like some more, please.

Having a puppy is almost like having a newborn baby, except that my boobs are not engorged and I can’t shoot my uterus across the room by sneezing.

A newborn baby is easier than a puppy because newborn babies come with diapers.

Puppy diapers are truly an excellent idea. Someone go invent them. Thank you.

I’m worried people are going to think I shrunk a real dog in the dryer.

You can turn a tiny, happy puppy into a furious, demented hyena simply by placing him in a crate.

If you’d prefer a screeching, rabid, pissed-off, psychotic hyena instead, one who acts as if his testicles are being french braided and then pureed in a Cuisinart, place that tiny, happy puppy in a crate and then walk out of the room.

I will never take another shower in peace and quiet.

I don’t remember what peace and quiet sounds like.

Puppies keep your feet warmer than fleece slippers.

There is something to be said for unconditional love that doesn’t come equipped with an I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO LAUNDRY? OH MY GOD, I CAN’T WEAR THIS! MY LIFE SUCKS gene.

Puppy breath smells like ass. With infected hemorrhoids.

Dog food and treats don’t smell much better.

I thought I’d never meet another mammal who could produce ten times its weight in pee within a 24 hour period without benefit of a raging bladder infection.

Puppies are mammals, right?

Puppies are softer than clouds.

Puppy poop looks like milk chocolate covered pretzels.

Puppy poop on cream carpet looks like dark chocolate covered pretzels.

My carpet is scared.

I am scared.

I now know what it feels like to have my own personal stalker.

I did not think it was possible to love any living thing like I do my own kids.



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52 thoughts on “First impressions on raising a puppy”

  1. Avatar

    Man. He is beyond cute. Oh and I e-mailed you. To be all stalkerish. And it returned it to me. You cut me off, didn’t you. At least I can still read your blog. muwahahaha
    .-= Cheryl’s last blog post is here ..Did You Know? =-.

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    Hi! I read but don’t comment much – but couldn’t pass this one up. I keep trying to tell people that having a puppy is like having a baby, but everybody just rolls their eyes at me. We found our puppy last February left behind in a cardboard box in a shopping cart at Walmart. He was only about 4 or 5 weeks old. The first couple of nights, I literally put his first crate – he’s on crate #3 now I think due to growth – right in the bed with us at night. He whimpered a bit at first but then adapted quickly I think because he was so close to us. Then I moved his crate to a bedside table and he still sleeps there, though I do have to cover him like a bird! He’s a terrier breed of some kind and very visual and won’t relax otherwise. Thank goodness that he took to the crate, otherwise I don’t think I would survived. A rigid schedule of time up, time outside, crated naps, feedings and bedtime really helped me a lot both with housebreaking him and with behavior – and he is still on a nap schedule. Otherwise, just like a child he gets very wound up. When he was a puppy, during day hours between his feeding and playing schedule, he was crated right in the family room where he could see and hear us as we moved about the house. It was a rough start, and he’s still very much a puppy. Watch your cords! I had to replace a camera cord, a laptop cord and the cord to my Kindle. And buu LOTS of toys, LOTS and LOTS of toys, most of which he will promptly destroy almost immediately. Better than shoes. Or cords. Be warned. If you think you are attached now, the bond will only tighten.

    Good luck! He is beautiful!!
    .-= Mary’s last blog post is here ..Creole Stuffed Peppers =-.

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    Something about reading the line about puppy breath smelling like ass just reminded me of how, when I was very, very young, my grandmother had this teeny, tiny toy (or possibly teacup) poodle named Mademoiselle (but pronounced by all of us as “ma’amzell”) that she used to treat like a teeny, tiny, toy (or possibly teacup) human being. This behavior included brushing Mlle’s teeth *every* day, morning and night. She had trained the dog from a puppy on to sit quietly on the toilet (lid down) and allow her teeth to be brushed. I do not recall what sort of toothpaste she used back in the early 70s when they didn’t have such wondrous emporiums as PetCo and PetsMart, but I’m sure that now in the 10s there is a Doggy Dental Paste or twelve someplace on the shelves of such establishments.

    FWIW, that dog had the best breath of any canine I’ve ever smelled. Better than some humans, even.

    Barring that, you could hope and pray that Oliver really enjoys the taste of Puppermints……..
    .-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Monday Musings =-.

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    This is exactly why I’m glad we’re allergic to all things furry. They are like having another baby, and I’m done having babies of my own in this house.

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    Yeah, puppies are too much like babies for me. Honestly? I’d rather have another baby. So we got a year old dog who was already house trained from the shelter.

    Because DH doesn’t want to have another baby
    .-= stacey@Havoc&Mayhem’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

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    Actually, there are diapers for little dogs – I have a friend whose dog wore them. Or you could likely make some out of puppy pads, or buy human newborn diapers and cut a tail hole in them.

    Milk Bones help with breath issues.

    The Bissell Spot Bot is the greatest invention ever for carpet issues. I own one.

    I don’t approve of putting the dog in a crate. Put the dog in a room and put up a baby gate, if you must. Or do what my mom did, and let the dog sit in the bathroom while she was showering or on the potty. Things we think smell gross, smell great to a dog.
    .-= Dee’s last blog post is here ..He’s Here! =-.

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    The first two weeks after we brought Addie home was probably two of the most miserable weeks of my life. I actually called the breeder and asked for a refund (which, she said she would gladly give me…). I think Addie knew I was threatening to give her back, though, because shortly after I called to get my refund, she rang her potty bell and went outside. It was the happiest moment of my life…
    .-= Allison’s last blog post is here ..Mystery solved =-.

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    Too funny! Love your post! I have a 12-year old yellow lab, Zoe and a 5-year old mixed breed (chow, shepherd, lab), Brady. Got a kick out of seeing your puppy with the remote in his mouth. When Brady was a pup, he destroyed my remote control and redesigned my cell phone.

    He’s adorable — enjoy him!

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    Every vet I talk to says that crate training is really important–just in case he *has* to be in a crate later on. And boy does it save wear and tear on your furniture at night. I slept on the couch next to the pup for the first two weeks (after not sleeping at all the first two nights because of howling), and now he spends all night in his crate and behaves wonderfully. We give him a Kong with a tablespoon or so of peanut butter as we put him in the crate, and he loves it. After he’s a couple of years old and you trust him, then he can sleep out of the crate if he likes.

    Tycho is in the shark teeth phase right now–he has two sets, because the baby ones are still in there, and the adult ones haven’t pushed them out yet, even though they’re about the same size. Toys/bones/moozles/rope cords are our friends. No furniture debacles yet.

    I’m really glad to see your pup firmly ensconced in your heart… =) Big smiles!
    .-= Heather T.’s last blog post is here ..New: Dillydally! =-.

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    That’s so cute 😀 I’ve always wanted a dog of my own, but I’ve accepted that I’ll never have one. But I think if I did have one I’d love it foreverz!! 😀 I’m prolly gonna need one though when it comes time for the boy to leave home. I will be so lonely.
    .-= Jenny’s last blog post is here ..On the go! =-.

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    If it’s not those posting about babies, it’s puppies and now I want another (I have 2 large, hairy, drooly, stinky ones!). Your pup is soooo cute – good luck and have tons of patience LOL!
    .-= Brittany’s last blog post is here ..Burning Up His Pockets =-.

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    “I now know what it feels like to have my own personal stalker.” hahahaha I totally get this! My two dogs think there is some secret escape hatch in the bathroom cos they are always trying to get in there with me! Unless it’s bathtime which they apparantely have a 6th sense about and steer clear. Crate training gets easier! Try putting a blanket over the crate
    .-= Di’s last blog post is here ..Card Sketch March =-.

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    I remember getting our big ol pooch. They are members of the family. I am glad we tried out parenthood with him before my son. We learned a lot!

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    Thanks for the chuckle and the reminder why we haven’t got a puppy! We’d love one, but I think our children need to get a little older yet before I’d want to take it on. My mother always said that it’s like having another member in the family to care for, guess she’s right.
    .-= Theresa’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

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    LMAO! How come getting a puppy or a dog means having this biggest case of buyers/adopters remorse? When we got our dog, I was ready to drop her back off at the rescue. I kept calling the hubby and telling him that he better come home now to say goodbye to the dog. Of course, she is still a devil and we live 1000 miles for where we got her. I guess that’s not too far to go to get back some sanity. Two years later and she still acts like that dumb puppy.
    .-= Tickled Pink Twice’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday: Spring =-.

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    Ha so true about the shower!!! He is a cutie. I would drop kick that thing if he ate my remote though! I love the smell of puppy breath!!!!! It’s the razor sharp teeth I could do without. Thanks for starting off my morning with a smile!

    Stopping by from SITS, I’ll be back soon for sure!

    Alex aka Ma, What’s For Dinner?
    .-= Alex aka Ma, What’s For Dinner?’s last blog post is here ..Buffalo Chicken Pasta =-.

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    Stopping by from Helene’s blog….

    Hilarious post. So true. Puppies are a bitch and a half to take care of, but so hard not to love. I bought two within 10 months… I must’ve been smoking the same thing you were. But your pup is SO cute! What is it?

    Also, they sell diapers (err, my dog wears one. Don’t believe me, check this out: at PetSmart and PetCo. They make them for small puppies, too.

    Thanks for the laugh!

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    I’m a cat person, but God he looks cute. And soft!

    And the whole poop thing wouldn’t be an issue here, because our carpet is so damn ugly that you wouldn’t see them on it.

    Although you’d probably know about it when you stepped on them. Which wouldn’t be too cool.
    .-= pixielation’s last blog post is here ..The tooth fairy wields a big stick =-.

  20. Avatar

    any advice on a puppy and a newborn at the same time?

    My daughter is 5 weeks and the pup is 8 weeks… We have had her only a few days now.. it is a lot of work.. Shes not my dog, shes the hubby and my 8 year old sons… but when hubby is at work… i have her…

    need help!!!!!

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