How about some buttocks for dinner?

Look what I did! Look what I did!


I cooked something out of nothing!

I can’t believe it.

The last time I cooked something out of nothing was almost nine years ago and the result is currently running around the house annoying the very first thing I cooked out of nothing.

I think I’m going to call this dish Andy’s Rocking Sensational Enchilada Shells or ARSES for short, because the word “arse” means buttocks and the word buttocks has always made me giggle and I think the world would be a much nicer place if people giggled more.

Don’t you?

Anyway, I’m pretty proud of myself because, as I’ve mentioned before, I can rock the heck out of any holiday meal but the heinous, gut-wrenching, loathsome, I’d-rather-chew-off-my-own-eyelids task of weekly dinners? They suck my will to live.

But this time I yanked on my big girl panties and channeled my inner and somewhat less crude Die Hard Bruce Willis and screamed a wicked Yippie Kai Yay Fluffenutter and kicked in the door of my pantry and went to town.

In a figurative sense. Because if it had been in a literal sense, we would have had take-out from Pizza Hut instead and I’d have nothing to blog about today and where’s the fun in that?

Here’s my recipe, in classic Creative Junkie fashion. Oh, and lest you think I’m going to become a *gasp* cooking blog, I just have one word for you:


Here we go:

  • 1 box of large shells
  • 1 pound hamburger, or, as Helena would say, one pound moo.
  • 1 jar salsa, which reminds me … can someone tell Max from Dancing with the Stars to call me already? I’m tired of waiting. Geesh. Men.
  • 1 can corn, drained
  • 1 can of OH  MY GOD, PEOPLE ACTUALLY EAT THIS? IT LOOKS LIKE A JELLY ROLL OF POOP which, loosely translated, means 1 can of refried beans. UGH.  How people eat this stuff plain is simply beyond me.
  • 1 can enchilada sauce
  • 8 ounces of shredded taco cheese, or 6 ounces if you’re a dairy whore like me and can’t help gobbling it up once the package is opened.
  • 8 ounces of cheddar cheese which should be 8 full ounces because you learned from your mistake with the taco cheese and stapled this package shut until you were ready to use it. Right?

Now here’s what you do with all this stuff:

  1. Cook your shells, rinse them under cold water, drain and tell your eight year old to stop asking if she can have gum every two seconds and give you a minute’s worth of peace for the love of God.
  2. Brown up your hamburger in a large skillet and drain the fat and tell your arteries YOU’RE WELCOME.
  3. To the cooked hamburger, add in the jelly roll of poop, salsa and corn and cook over medium-low heat.
  4. Tell your fifteen year old to knock it off already or you will knock it off for her and she’ll never find it again.
  5. Add some salt and pepper and cook the meat mixture for about ten minutes over medium-low heat until it’s all blended and has the consistency of … well, you don’t want to know.
  6. Tell your eight year old that you are perfectly aware that it looks like BLECH but it won’t taste that way. Hopefully.
  7. Say the “hopefully” part under your breath.
  8. Take the meat mixture off the heat and then fold in whatever taco cheese is not currently residing in your small intestine. Shout at your kids that if they don’t stop yelling each other to death, you are running away from home and taking the Skinny Cow Truffle Bars with you.
  9. Spray a 13 x 9 casserole dish with non-stick spray and say a really bad word when it gets on your hardwoods and turns them into a skating rink.
  10. Repeat the word over and over as your back gives birth to a slipped disc because you never did learn how to skate.
  11. Take a little of the meat mixture and spread it on the bottom of the casserole dish. It will be lumpy and look like … well, you don’t want to know.
  12. Fill each shell with a heaping scoop of the meat mixture. I was able to make 24 shells and still had some meat mixture left over.
  13. Smoosh as many shells as you can into the dish and then pour the can of enchilada sauce over them. I only used half of a small can because it smelled funny and I was scared.
  14. Tear open the 8 ounces of cheddar and dump it all over the top. See now, aren’t you glad you had the forethought of mind to staple it shut in the first place?
  15. Cover with tin foil and cook at 350 for about 30 minutes or until heated all the way through with the cheese melted in such a way as to give you an orgasm.
  16. Eat way more than can possibly be good for you.

I’m going into my kitchen now to figure out how I can disguise the leftovers so that I can serve them tonight because Nate believes that leftovers are a plague upon humanity.

Much like my opinion of weekly dinners.



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30 thoughts on “How about some buttocks for dinner?”

  1. Avatar

    You know I love to be the first commenter, right? FIRST FIRST FIRST!!! (Or, FIRST FIST FIST!!! as I just typed. Good thing I looked at it before hitting “submit” eh? That would’ve been embarrassing!)

    I like the sound of this ARSES, with the exception of the enchilada sauce, because I don’t do enchilada sauce. For me, Mexican food is all about the refried beans (love ’em – there are always two or three cans of Old El Paso Fat Free Refried Beans in my pantry) (see how I worked in the “fat free” there without being all BUT I GET THE FAT FREE! REFRIED BEANS ARE *NOT* TO BLAME FOR MY THIGHS OR HIPS!?) and the cheese and the salty tortilla chips and the sour cream (which, ahem, *is* to blame for a lot of my thighs and hips. And chins.) but *not* the peppers and salsa and such. I don’t do spicy. I do do dairy. Heh, I just said “do do” – I’m such a classy broad.

    Well, if I don’t hit SUBMIT on this comment soon, someone will beat me to being first, as this comment window has been open for over 15 minutes as I try to comment and blogsurf while getting Kiddo ready for school and have discussions about agendas with Hubby, both of whom are on a different floor right now. So, in closing, LOVE your version of Bruce – yippie kai yay FLUFFERNUTTER! WOO!

  2. Avatar

    And what have you christened this fair dish? Fluffernutter (not) casserole? Fluffernutter Taco Casserole? Looks and sounds delish…thanks for sharing. Stopping by from SITS to Share some comment love…

  3. Avatar

    If more cookbooks were written like this, I might actually use them. I have to agree about the refried beans. I prefer my food to NOT look like it’s already been chewed for me. I don’t eat them.

    I also agree people should giggle more. That’s why I bought 3 resin mushrooms from Target this Spring for my front flower bed. I have 3 boys (including DH), and the ‘shrooms are VERY phallic looking. I giggle every time I pull into my driveway.

  4. Avatar

    Back off! Max is mine. I’m skipping the recipe because he’s dinner. You just play nice and serve up some hot ARSE to your boy toy Anderson Cooper.

  5. Avatar

    OMG that looks droolalicious! And good for you for attempting it! I know nothing gets my butt in a pucker quite like an impending meal to be cooked. *shudder* I’m sure your husband loved it!

    And I’m feeling you on the refried beans. I love how they fart when you finally shake them out of the can.

  6. Avatar

    LOL!! GROSS!! naa…not gross except for the *gulp* re-fried beans part!! omg…I’m surprised I could even type that word that’s how much I hate them…^^shudder^^….

    sounds great except for THAT part 😀 oh and btw…r u on today or aren’t you in CA yet?

  7. Avatar

    Uh, I’m very proud of you, Andy. I’m sure if I weren’t a vegetarian that dish would probably taste very good, although I might have to wear a blindfold while eating it. *giggles* You make me giggle a lot, btw. =)

  8. Avatar

    Heather, you hogged 2 comment spots. 😛
    How can you do mexican without the spicy and the salso?

    What IS the difference between enchilada sauce and salsa or taco sauce? really. not much, I think.

    Stuff that looks the worst usually tastes the best. that much I know is true.

    I cook like that, except with dropping stuff on the floor, shooing the cats and more yelling at the kids.

    It sounds good, but I’m a little thrown off by the inclusion of shells – isn’t that mixing italian and mexican? although I would be all for elbow macaroni, kind of like goulash, ya know?

  9. Avatar

    Put some between two slices of bread or into a pita and it will be a new dish and no longer leftovers. After that you are on your own for what to do to disguise them tomorrow night.

  10. Avatar

    Even when writing a recipe, you bring humor to it! You really should write a book! If more cookbooks wrote recipes like you do, I’d probably enjoy cooking a helluva lot more.

    My husband hates leftovers too…

  11. Avatar

    Pretty nice post. I just found your site and wanted to say
    that I have really liked reading your posts. In any case
    I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!

  12. Avatar

    Why do some of the shells look like they have tails? It makes it look like they pooped which adds to the poop factor. I’d never have the patience to add the stuff to the shells, I’d just mix it all together, so props to you for making the meal, not eating all of the cheese and then filling the shells.

  13. Avatar

    ‘K! From one Dairy Ho to an’udder….now THIS is my kind of recipe & the steps actually SOUND exactly the way I’d make it too…right down to those daggum slippery wood floors! The only difference is I have 3 rowdy BOYS (2 of them teens), each with varying degrees of ADHD & a biker hubby with ADHD/OCD. Normally, I’m in the kitchen with a tazer, barstool, & a bullwhip fighting them off till I can dish it onto plates! *LOL*

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