How do I know if I’m looking at the turkey’s fanny? Do they even have fannies?

I’m eating a Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow tonight and Thursday night and the only difference between the two is that the one I’m eating tomorrow requires me to shove my hand up a turkey’s bottom whereas the one I’m eating Thursday requires me to simply show up.

Any day that I don’t have to stick my hand up poultry is a good day in my book.

We had every intention of driving down to North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving with my parents this year but that intention, just like the one I had last week to finally scrub the eight-month old remnants of bird poop from my car door, are missing in action. Probably because they’re busy paving the way to another destination entirely, one that happens to be way further south than North Carolina and quite a bit hotter.

The girls had been looking forward to cooking the big meal while in North Carolina so, despite an invitation to my mother-in-law’s house for Thursday which we gladly accepted, we decided to go ahead and cook our own meal tomorrow and now the biggest, most troublesome issue I’m dealing with at the moment is figuring out if my turkey is upside down. Am I the only one on the planet who has trouble with this? Why can’t they grow these things with a built-in compass? Or instructions like THIS SIDE UP, IDIOT tattooed on them, for directionally challenged people like me?

The second biggest, most troublesome issue I’m dealing with at the moment is my hair. Why does it insist on looking like crap within one week of having it professionally done? Why can’t I find a stylist that I love and can afford, instead of having to choose between one or the other? Why can’t someone put North and South Korea into time-out until they agree to stop peeing in the sandbox?

I had to stick that one in there, lest you assume I walk around thinking it’s all about me all the time.

The third and final biggest, most troublesome issue I’m dealing with at the moment is determining whether scoring a copy of The Blind Side for $3.99 is worth waking up Friday morning at holy-shit o’clock and standing outside in line somewhere in frigid temperatures and lake effect snow. My frugal head is thinking of course it is, numnuts but my extremities are thinking my frugal head ought to remove itself from its own ass. However, an LG front-loading washer and dryer for half off the MSRP? Totally worth freezing gonads off. However, I don’t have gonads to speak of which means … WAKEY, WAKEY, NATE!

Nate is understandably skeptical about the prospect of letting Old Man Winter go all cryogenics on his privates for the good of energy efficient appliances that hopefully won’t blow gaskets like bubbles or dance around our laundry room when they think I’m not looking. When he realized just how early holy-shit o’clock was, he was all “Uh, you want me to what? Are you out of your mind? That is completely insane! Who does that? Not going to happen. Get someone else. I’m outta here.” And I was all “Huh. That’s funny. I recall saying the exact same thing once myself.” And then I simply dropped trow and flashed my glistening twelve-hours-of-back-labor-with-an-anesthesiologist-who-couldn’t-administer-an-epidural-to-a-comatose-sloth-if-his-medical-license-depended-on-it c-section scar. GAME, SET, MATCH.

For all of you celebrating Thanksgiving this week, I wish you a very happy Gobble Gobble day! Don’t forget to wear your stretchy pants and burp frequently.

For all of you standing in line early Friday morning to score an 87 inch LCD TV or the latest umpteenth-generation gaming system, TELL THAT GUY BEHIND YOU THAT HE’S STANDING IN THE WRONG LINE. HIS NAME IS NATE.



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10 thoughts on “How do I know if I’m looking at the turkey’s fanny? Do they even have fannies?”

  1. Avatar

    We’re cooking, with relatives imported from Exotic New Jersey in the form of my sister, bro-in-law and a couple of nephews. Fortunately for me, my husband does the turkey. (He, being a True Disciple of Alton Brown, follows Alton’s brining method and while I may be totally jinxing myself for saying this all over town as I have, we have never had a turkey fail when he does it the AB way.) Him doing the turkey also means I do not have to figure out which end is ass and which is neck, so hallelujah for that. I’m doing the veggies, sides and desserts. At this point those are comprised of mashed potatoes (from scratch even, not instant!), broccoli, stuffing (holla, Stovetop!), apple pie and pumpkin pie. I’m pondering whipping up a batch of creampuffs because I read a recipe for them the other day that sounds ridonkulously easy, but we’ll see what my motivation is like come the morrow, when my way-hyper-because-her-favorite-cousins-are-en-route kid is home from school and “assisting” me in baking.

    Speaking of which, I’d like to go on the record that “Are they here yet? What time will they be here? How much longer ’til they’re here? Are they here yet?” is just as annoying as “Are we there yet? How much longer? Are we there yet?” is. FWIW.

    Now I’m off to raid the remnants of the kid’s Halloween bounty because I just had the bejesus scared out of me by an Aragog-from-Harry-Potter-esque spider who was lurking behind the downstairs toilet as I was cleaning the bathrooms. Now I’ve got bejesus all over my freshly Wet Swiffered floor. Dagnabit.

    Happy Turkey Day to you and yours, my dear! We *must* lunch next week, mmmkay?

  2. Avatar

    No Black Friday for the Jews this year. Hanukkah is SO frickin’ early that we miss all of the Holiday deals. Totally sucks! Anyway, I hope your hair turns out, I hope the Korea’s can just get along, and I hope you can figure out the turkeys’ head from it’s ass!

    Happy Thanksgiving!! xoxo

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    I haven’t even looked at Friday’s sales yet. I’ll probably stay nice and cozy warm in bed with my hubby that’s going to have worked over 20 hours overtime in 4 days. (That is, unless we figure out what we’re getting our oldest before then and it’s an amazing sale.)

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