I don’t think Dr. Seuss is going to be calling me anytime soon …

I swear, I don’t know what you North Carolinians are putting in your water, but you guys grow the funkiest spiders.

Excuse me while I shudder, throw up, pass out, twitch and become a wet noodle.

And so, because I have absolutely nothing of interest to blog about today, I’ve written an ode in honor of one of your creepy, crawly, eight legged ickies that tried to murder me one bright, sunny day.

I think you can sing it … kinda, sorta … to the tune of The Itsy Bitsy Spider.

It’s either that, or Learn to Fly by the Foo Fighters. I had my iTunes blasting and got confused.

I’d go with Itsy Bitsy Spider and keep an open mind.

A big, wide, open mind.


The huge, honkin’ spider hung down from the tree,

And scared the living crap out of one Ms. Andy.

She froze and she stared and she tried not to hurl,

And she watched in utter horror as it began to unfurl.


She began to hyperventilate and tried not to heave,

Then she remembered her DSLR camera hanging by her sleeve.

She slowly raised it up while she tried not to vomit,

‘Cuz the camera was worth some coin but not if she blew chunks on it.

The spider moved and twirled and it scared her to death,

And she started to twitch and jerk like she was strung out on meth.

Then she yanked on some big girl panties and aimed for the shot,

But without a macro lens, this was the best that she got.


She circled around the spider and kept clicking away,

Worrying that in a minute, she would become his afternoon prey.

She kept getting closer, struggling to focus,

On the fat, shiny epitome of the ultimate grossness.

The spider was bulging, orange and black and weird,

But it didn’t glom onto her face as she had greatly feared.

She knew without the macro lens that she should up and quit,

But then she accidentally touched it and screamed OH SHIT!


The spider bared its fangs and lunged for her throat,

And Andy almost peed herself as it skimmed by her coat.

She shrieked OH MY GOD as she bolted far away,

‘Cuz if the spider wound up eating her, it would totally ruin her day.

When she returned to the house, she relayed the entire story,

Of how she almost bought it in a manner so bloody and gory.

But they didn’t really care as they were busy discussing lunch,

So she had no other choice but to yell WELL, THANKS A WHOLE BUNCH.


YOU KNOW I ALMOST DIED, she hollered and waved her arms all around,

But it was impossible to hear her over the TV’s surround sound.

NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME, she cried and stomped off in a hissy.

Because being totally ignored tends to make Andy all pissy.


But all was forgotten over lunch and some desserts,

Because chocolate is the cure for anything that hurts.

Now Andy stays clear of anything hanging off of trees

That could possibly suck out her blood and drop her to her knees.


She’s staying clear of spiders, no matter where’s she’s at,

Unless she’s armed with mace and a big, huge metal bat.

Because Andy and Mother Nature will never get along,

And yes, THANK GOD, you’ve reached the end of this song.


The end.

I’m sorry.

Here’s some Tylenol. Go lay down and when you wake up, it will be like it never happened.


Share this post

30 thoughts on “I don’t think Dr. Seuss is going to be calling me anytime soon …”

  1. Avatar

    *giggles* I have to agree, having lived in NC for 12 years: they have the most monstrous insects EVER. As in, I didn’t even know they could grow that big and still be called insects and not hexapedal planes, or something.

  2. Avatar

    Is it a golden orb spider? They weave the most magnificent webs are quite harmless. It’s OK – they don’t eat Andys.
    Love the poetry AND the photos!!

  3. Avatar

    The macro would have been a fit,
    But I’d have probably said Oh Shit
    Screw the spider, where’s the dog
    I’ll write about that on my crazy ass blog!

  4. Avatar

    LOL – the spider is gross, but I love your ode 🙂 Even starting humming Itsy bitsy spider while I read it. And I’m at work – so that was not good LOL

  5. Avatar

    I so now have the heebie jeebies! I am deathly afraid of spiders and while your pictures are beautiful, I am totally creeped out now. You are a much braver woman than I to get those shots and I’m glad that you made it through your ordeal so you could share your heroic tale of survival. 🙂

  6. Avatar

    OMG I am dying laughing! I hate spiders too! We have black widows in the house we are renting. I just found one on the back of the couch the other day when I moved it forward to re-arrange the furniture for the Christmas tree. It was alive & had a bunch of grasshoppers in its web. I put my son’s hat and sweatshirt on the back of that couch!!!

    This summer the oddest phenomenon happened. There were all sorts of baby spiders in the heat lamp over our stove. They could spread out a web over the front of the stove and cabinets in about 5 minutes. I’d freak out and run and get bug spray and spray it all over the food. It was nuts.

    I’m with you. I HATE SPIDERS. They are disgusting, vile creatures. KILL THEM ALL!!!

  7. Avatar

    Oh, I hate spiders so much and it was hard for me to get through those pics! Argh! We just killed a huge one on our stairs and we were all like, you kill it. No, you kill it…

  8. Avatar

    OMG! I am laughing so hard right now! You have no idea how bad I needed that chuckle today! I hate spiders so I’m right there with you but I would have been pulling out the camera too, hehehe

  9. Avatar

    Oh that is so funny, if you don’t like spiders though I would advise against a trip to Australia…we have some real big ones – Huntsmen spiders can be as big as a dinner plate (no need for a macro lens) and hairy…harmless but real hairy. Did I tell you they were hairy LOL. Then of course there are our poisonous ones just to keep you on your toes LOL. Never seen an orange one though.

  10. Avatar

    OMG!!! I’ve been soo bad about getting over here to check on you and the day I do what do I see??? LOL!! I have to say I’m impressed that you got those photos!! Awesome! 🙂 Oh and for the record…I don’t like spiders…ewwww……I do enjoy picking up granddaddy longlegs though and pretending to throw them on the kids!! 😀 hey! give me a shout when your on!

  11. Avatar

    And you should see our mosquito’s!! Ok, so you don’t actually see them, you hear them, a faint buzzing….They are black, very small amd have quite an appetite.
    Love your site! Cowgrit

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *