I have grown children I never knew about working at Verizon and Best Buy

My mother turns 79 today. Happy Birthday, Mom!

She’s buying herself a digital camera.

Can I just get a collective OH MY GOD, STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF?

This is the same woman who, thanks to my dad who came up with the idea in the first place, now has all of her mail forwarded to their local Verizon store because she’s there more often than she’s not. Apparently, her cell phone keeps dialing my landline when it’s supposed to dial my cell phone and this has been going on for years and IT’S NOT HER FAULT, SHE WAS NOT BORN STUPID. Dad refuses to use the cell phone on principle because he never wanted the damn thing in the first place as he saw no reason to pay $39.99 a month so that Mom can call AAA if she ever has a flat tire in the dead of night. This is because (1) the last time Mom drove anywhere in the dead of night was never; and (2) signalling SOS with headlights is free. Regardless, he filed a forwarding request with their post office and now he can simply mail her a postcard asking WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE PEANUT BUTTER?

According to my mom, the Verizon employees are elated when she walks in eight days a week and affectionately refer to her as Grandma. I can only assume it’s because HOLY SHIT, YOU TAKE HER, NO YOU TAKE HER, NO I HAD HER LAST TIME, DID NOT, DID TOO, FINE LET’S PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE GUT AND WHOEVER’S STILL BREATHING TAKES HER is too much of a mouthful.

She called me up the other day to ask me my opinion as to which camera she should buy and because I misread my caller ID, I answered the phone.

Mom: Andy?

Me: Dammit.

Mom: I want a digital camera. I do not want nor do I need any bells and whistles. No bells. No whistles. I want a very simple camera. Simple. I only want to press a bit fat button and nothing more. Now, tell me what to buy.

Me: Well, let’s see. I have the Nikon …

Mom: I don’t want that one.

Me: Wait, what? How do you know what I’m going to say?

Mom: I saw your camera at Christmas. It had too many buttons on it. And it was purple.

Me: Well, for one thing, it’s a dark purple, almost black. It’s not like Prince threw up all over it.

Mom: Prince? Who is Prince? Is that a dog? Did you get a dog and not tell me? Why would you get a dog and not tell me?

Me: Oh my God, nevermind. About the buttons … I don’t use half of them.

Mom: Then why do you have them?

Me: Ummm, because they came with the camera?

Mom: I am not paying for anything that I don’t need.

Me: But you might want to use them. And if you do, they’re there! Who knows, you might want to learn something new!


Me: Or not.

Mom: Another thing … I need a camera that does not lop off anyone’s head. That’s important.

Me: Well, now, c’mon Mom. I think you need to take a little responsibility here.

Mom: And by that, you mean what exactly?

Me: Mom, the camera doesn’t come equipped with a guillotine. You, on the other hand, are a different story altogether.

Mom: Excuse me?

Me: Did I say that out loud?

Mom: So it’s not the camera’s fault? It’s mine? Is that’s what you’re telling me?

Me: Ummmm … yes?

Mom: Says the girl who thinks my cell phone works perfectly too. Why must you blame me for everything? Why must everything be my fault? Is this the thigh thing all over again? When will you stop blaming me for your thighs? They’re robust, Andy. Nothing to be ashamed about.

Me: Let’s not go there today, OK Mom? I’m not up for it and I’m out of Xanax.

Mom: Fine. I’m off to Best Buy. I’ve been there three times this week already. There are several youngsters there who are so helpful. Such nice young men. They call me Grandma, you know.

Me: Can you tell Dad to call me when he gets back from the post office?

Mom: How did you know he was at the post office?

Me: Lucky guess, Mom.



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29 thoughts on “I have grown children I never knew about working at Verizon and Best Buy”

  1. Avatar

    *giggles* Ok, that cheered me up a bit… =)

    “signaling SOS with headlights is free” — I’ll have to remember that one. I DO drive in the dark of night, and I don’t have a cellphone. Besides which it really made me laugh.

    And “the thigh thing”. Bwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaahahahaha!
    .-= Heather T.’s last blog post is here ..Running =-.

  2. Avatar

    This just tickles me so much – in fact my cat keeps glaring at me because I chuckle and disturb her sleep! OK – so now, my cat having the hump with me is YOUR FAULT. Well its certainly not mine – I mean, I didnt intentionally giggle!
    See, now she wants food!


  3. Avatar

    I would give you a warning, as my mother got a digital camera for her birthday way back when she turned a measly 64, but you seem adequately prepped on the fun that will, no doubt, ensue once your mom has hers.

    Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa.

    Happy birthday to your mom!
    .-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Kids and world tragedies =-.

  4. Avatar

    My mom wants a camera where the photos are not blurry. I told her she either needs to shell out $500 plus for a DSLR or stop moving before the camera is done processing the photo. She pushes the button and immediately moves the camera on to something else without giving it a second or two to actually take the photo
    .-= stacey@Havoc&Mayhem’s last blog post is here ..Enough already! =-.

  5. Avatar

    Well, in your mother’s defense…if her car were to break down in the middle of the night because the battery/alternator died….she wouldn’t be able to signal SOS with her lights! Ha ha! 😉 Seriously, you crack me up!
    .-= Marlene’s last blog post is here ..Time flies! =-.

  6. Avatar

    I have to appoligize for you mom.
    I am the same. I am 42 and got a cell phone 3 yrs ago and I still don’t know how to text. My girls have showed me many times but it just won’t stick.
    Tell her to get a Sony Cybershot. Easy to use. Has other options that my girls play with, me…I don’t know how they work, don’t care to learn either.

    Your mom goes to these places so often because the guys are probably hot. LOL
    .-= Tracy’s last blog post is here ..Organizing =-.

  7. Avatar

    Stopping by from SITS. This is quite the entertaining post! My mom knows cell phones and cameras pretty well, but she and my mother-in-law just joined Facebook, which is a total nightmare. I keep getting phone calls, “I just sent you a message through Facebook. Did you read it?” No message to be found. My mom has also sent me about 4 friend requests in the last week alone, and we’re already friends.
    .-= Elle @ A for Effort’s last blog post is here ..N for Nostalgia =-.

  8. Avatar

    I believe your mother and mine are related… I take Mother everywhere and she lives with me, but she insisted she still needs a cellphone, so she now has a Jitterbug. It has big buttons and it’s like a Fisher Price phone, but for old people. She never uses it but she likes to have it. It’s like $15/month or something ridiculous.

    We don’t let Mom have the camera any more because her hands shake and not only do heads get lopped off, but we all look nauseated in the shots. She laughs about it, fortunately.

    I look forward to the day when I am old enough to bug my kids – revenge for now when they’re teenagers… LOL
    .-= Dee’s last blog post is here ..Ranting =-.

  9. Avatar

    Omg. This is hilarious. I hope I can annoy my girls as well as your mom annoys you. 😉 It just seems like great payback for everything they’ve put me through!
    .-= Cheryl’s last blog post is here ..the saga of… =-.

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    Oh my God. I am positive we are related.

  11. Avatar

    I bought my great grandma an ipod for her 90th birthday…because really what else can you get for a woman who almost has everything? And while I was expecting it to be somewhat joke-ish when she opened it in front of the rest of my family, she said “it’s ipod…it plays music…I’ll use it on my walks”
    Score one for the aged
    .-= Libby’s last blog post is here ..I Can Haz Correct Grammer? =-.

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