We’re taking a little trip down south to see my parents this month which means I’m trying to get all the laundry done which is a euphemism for 67 PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR? SERIOUSLY? DO WE OWN KIDS THAT I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I also have to make sure that the following is done before we leave:
- Show our house/dog sitter how to operate our home alarm system.
- Introduce our house/dog sitter to our local police department so that when he inevitably forgets to disengage the alarm by pressing the correct button out of the 324 available ones on the main console and then opens the garage door to take Ollie out to potty and all the windows in the neighborhood spontaneously explode from the deafening roar of the alarm and the police arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing, they’ll recognize him and not shoot him and then we can avoid that whole awkward, excessive force/mistaken-identity/negligent homicide trial ordeal and I won’t have to worry about a grudge-filled future where I call 911 because I’m being attacked and instead of a black & white, they send a patrol car filled with Jehovah’s Witnesses to save me.
- Create a power point presentation whereby our house/dog sitter can familiarize himself with all 43 of our remotes and the various electronics they control, as well as their corresponding How To Use Me Without Blowing Anything Up manuals.
- Introduce our house/dog sitter to our local fire department, just in case.
- Update all of our season tickets on all of our TVs so that when we get back, we have approximately 3,622 hours of TV with which to waste time and avoid responsibility. And when I say “we” I mean … well, no need to bore you with the details.
- Stop by Aunt VeVe’s house to get the jigsaw puzzles that she picked up for Mom and Dad so that we can bring them down there with us so that every day my mother can ask Wasn’t that nice of Aunt VeVe to pick these jigsaw puzzles up for us? and every day Aunt VeVe can call down there and ask Did Andy bring you those jigsaw puzzles I picked up for you? and every day Dad can yell DO I EVEN LIKE JIGSAW PUZZLES? whenever he enters the kitchen.
- Get Helena a new bathing suit, one that is not made by Hoochie Mamas ‘R Us.
- Explain the meaning of hoochie-mama to Helena.
- Clean our house from top to bottom, install hardwoods and apply a fresh coat of paint to all the walls so that in case we die on vacation, I won’t have to look down from Heaven and holler SHUT THE HELL UP, ALREADY. YOU TRY KEEPING IT LOOKING GOOD WITH TWO KIDS AND A DOG WHO THINKS POOPING BEHIND THE COUCH IS AN OLYMPIC SPORT. THE DOG, NOT THE KIDS to the new owners.
What do you do to prepare for vacation?