I need a vacation from preparing for vacation

We’re taking a little trip down south to see my parents this month which means I’m trying to get all the laundry done which is a euphemism for 67 PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR? SERIOUSLY? DO WE OWN KIDS THAT I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

I also have to make sure that the following is done before we leave:

  • Show our house/dog sitter how to operate our home alarm system.
  • Introduce our house/dog sitter to our local police department so that when he inevitably forgets to disengage the alarm by pressing the correct button out of the 324 available ones on the main console and then opens the garage door to take Ollie out to potty and all the windows in the neighborhood spontaneously explode from the deafening roar of the alarm and the police arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing, they’ll recognize him and not shoot him and then we can avoid that whole awkward, excessive force/mistaken-identity/negligent homicide trial ordeal and I won’t have to worry about a grudge-filled future where I call 911 because I’m being attacked and instead of a black & white, they send a patrol car filled with Jehovah’s Witnesses to save me.
  • Create a power point presentation whereby our house/dog sitter can familiarize himself with all 43 of our remotes and the various electronics they control, as well as their corresponding How To Use Me Without Blowing Anything Up manuals.
  • Introduce our house/dog sitter to our local fire department, just in case.
  • Update all of our season tickets on all of our TVs so that when we get back, we have approximately 3,622 hours of TV with which to waste time and avoid responsibility. And when I say “we” I mean … well, no need to bore you with the details.
  • Stop by Aunt VeVe’s house to get the jigsaw puzzles that she picked up for Mom and Dad so that we can bring them down there with us so that every day my mother can ask Wasn’t that nice of Aunt VeVe to pick these jigsaw puzzles up for us? and every day Aunt VeVe can call down there and ask Did Andy bring you those jigsaw puzzles I picked up for you? and every day Dad can yell DO I EVEN LIKE JIGSAW PUZZLES? whenever he enters the kitchen.
  • Get Helena a new bathing suit, one that is not made by Hoochie Mamas ‘R Us.
  • Explain the meaning of hoochie-mama to Helena.
  • Clean our house from top to bottom, install hardwoods and apply a fresh coat of paint to all the walls so that in case we die on vacation, I won’t have to look down from Heaven and holler SHUT THE HELL UP, ALREADY. YOU TRY KEEPING IT LOOKING GOOD WITH TWO KIDS AND A DOG WHO THINKS POOPING BEHIND THE COUCH IS AN OLYMPIC SPORT. THE DOG, NOT THE KIDS to the new owners.

What do you do to prepare for vacation?



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15 thoughts on “I need a vacation from preparing for vacation”

  1. Avatar

    OMG! This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read! Especially the bathing suit part…I am seriously LOLing at “Hoochie Mamas ‘R Us”!!

    DH laughs because I start making lists about two weeks before we leave. And I do make sure the house is fairly clean…DD commented when we got home from Orlando last Friday about how clean the house looked…SUCCESS!!

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    “What do you do to prepare for vacation?”

    Letting the wife do all the preparation makes for better preparedness.

    1. It relieves me of the stress.

    2. It ensures that we actually are properly prepared.

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    I usually make a packing list for each of my children and post it on the wall between their rooms. Then the day we are leaving I verbally go down the list with them, trying to remind them that yes, they DO need underwear and pajamas and socks, and NO, they cannot take the boombox plus three pillows plus their bedspreads and 5 bags of Cheetos. There is only so much room in the car.

    This year, since I am still unemployed, there will be no vacation. I envy you getting to go anywhere…

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    I can totally relate. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to stay home rather than go away. And not only does it take a ton of effort to get ready to go away but then when you get back it seems to take forever to get back to normal!!

  5. Avatar

    I know, preparing for vacation is so stressful!!! Clean the house, do laundry, pack all the bags, get all the food together, prep the cats, drop off the dog if need be, run the dishwasher… and then when we get home, the first thing DH and DS do is head for their computers, while I’m left cleaning out the cat box, wiping up hairballs, unpacking all the bags, doing laundry, etc.


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    The last time I went on vacation with the boys it took me almost 10 days to get ready! In all of my prepping I thought I had everything covered. Boy was I wrong! We ended up with a kids who gets car sick (why didn’t we find out before) and stuck in a town that was shutting down due to being flooded and waiting for medicine.

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    What I do to prepare for vacation:

    1. Take a lot of Xanax.

    That’s it. Then – What I do when I get back from vacation:

    1. Look at the pictures to see what exactly I did.

    2. Throw away any incriminating pictures of any “unmommylike” behavior.

    3. Vow to not take Xanax ever again.

    When the next vacation comes up, repeat.

  8. Avatar

    My preparation is similar to yours.

    It’s amazing the number of random annoying things we live with on a day to day basis because we have grown used to them – all the remotes & the security system issues & the toilet that you have to hold down the handle for 5 seconds & then jiggle it for 5 seconds to get it to flush. The 3 way lighting combos that have to be ‘just right’ to get one of the lights to come on…

    trying to explain it to the house/pet sitter always requires a 4 page document & leaves you feeling that *someone* you are married to ought to fix the stupid stuff so this wouldn’t happen.

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    We are doing a house swap (as opposed to a wife- swap as my neighbour mistakenly referred to it as!) again next week – my husband doesn’t get the need for an entire new level of cleanliness I require on these occasions!!! But then … he gave up trying to understand me LONG ago!

  10. Avatar

    Fist you need to tell me what this foreign word “vacation” means. Are you speaking Cantonese? I have never heard of this word. Please explain it to me.

    Second, I understand about the hoochie mama bathing suit issue. My Rowan is six and we have been struggling to find her proper swimsuits since she was four. Have you seen what they call appropriate swimwear in the girls’ department at Target? Not for MY child. OH HELL NO.

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    What do I do? Handcuff the husband and kids into a cage placed strategically in a minefield and say “Don’t move until mommy gets home.” Or at least that’s what I would do if I had a husband and kids (and time for a vacation)… hm… I think I may have just figured out why I don’t indeed have a husband and kids…

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