The other day, Nate and I turned up our thermostat to 103Β°, turned on Please Don’t Stop the Music loud enough to adequately shake the walls of our house, and barricaded ourselves in our dining room which, because of the appalling lack of furniture, allows the music to ricochet off the walls and slam into our craniums with the force of a shotgun blast to the head at close range. Then, while holding onto our winter coats and hats and gloves, as well as Helena’s winter coat and hat and gloves, all while trying to balance little bowls full of ice cubes melting at the rate of OOOH, GET IT! GET IT! GET IT! BEFORE IT DRIPS! we proceeded to take turns screaming in each other’s ears while shoving each other around and bumping into each other and spinning each other this way and that way and then back this way all over again and again and again.
We did this for about an hour or so before we congratulated each other with a high-five and a rousing rendition of GO TEAM GO. Then we gulped down a couple dozen Tylenol, grabbed Helena and ran out the door to her school’s 2009 Ice Cream Social.
Since I am no longer in the running for Mom of the Year, having been disqualified on January 2, I can honestly declare that I do not like ice cream socials. When it comes right down to it, I’d rather just go to Cold Stone with Helena and fork over the cash and gain five pounds in climate controlled comfort. It’s so much better than the loud, hot, sweaty, sticky encounter that is an ice cream social.
Don’t get me wrong … I usually enjoy a loud, hot, sweaty, sticky encounter every now and then but only when the reward is more than a measly little scoop of chocolate. If you catch my drift.
Hurry up, catch it! Catch it!
Damn, there it goes. Better luck next time.
Ice cream socials can vary from district to district but I think we can all agree that the basic recipe is the same.
And if you don’t agree, that’s OK. Now go stand in the corner and think about how your actions affect others.
Kidding!
Kind of.
HOW TO MAKE AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL
Ingredients:
- 500 elementary school students between the ages of 5 and 10
- Siblings of all ages
- Friends for siblings to talk to so they don’t fight with those students to whom they are related
- 500 sets of parents who are wondering if the tax write offs are worth it
- 500 minivans
- A frozen tundra with limited parking for 100 cars
- Tiny little cups of ice cream at $3.50 a pop
- Bottles of water at $2 a pop
- A DJ with a strobe light fetish
- Lots of music with the base turned up to HOLY HELL, ARE THE NAVY BLUE ANGELS ON MY HEAD?
- Various games like The Poop Shoot that will have kids lining up again and again, ad nauseam, for the chance to win one mini cherry flavored Tootsie Roll
- Decidedly insufficient amount of mini cherry flavored Tootsie Rolls
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
- Consult the Farmer’s Almanac to ensure the event occurs on the coldest, most frigid night of winter.
- Thoroughly grease the parking lot with sleet and ice.
- Preheat the gymnasium to SAUNA.
- Dredge the students, siblings, friends and parents through the frozen tundra and allow them to thaw for approximately thirty seconds.
- Mix the students, siblings, friends and parents into the gymnasium. You’ll hear lots of groaning and whining and shouts of protest and maybe even some crying but no worries, the parents will get over themselves soon enough. Besides, all that brouhaha just adds a punch of spicy flavor. Yummmm!
Isn’t this fun? Go grab your apron, this might be a little messy from here on.
- Add the ice cream, DJ, music, games and candy into the gymnasium and thoroughly combine. Get in there and really smoosh it all together. This is not the time to be shy – God gave you muscles, use ’em! You need to ensure all the flavors are thoroughly blended together. Don’t be concerned if the parents fall silent as the chaos and mayhem derived from students and siblings and friends strung out on sugar will be more than adequate to maintain a consistency of OH MY GOD, JUST SHOOT ME NOW.
- If you see the parents drift into psychosis, shove a few Tootsie Rolls into their mouths followed by a few sips of water – they should come around. Continue kneading and rolling and smooshing for approximately twenty minutes, until you see the parents turn colors. You’re looking for the shade that falls just short of Second Wind.
Now comes the best part!
- Bake in the preheated gymnasium for another forty minutes. Turn up the heat to SWELTERING STEAMBATH. Watch it carefully. Use a thermometer and check the internal temperature at ten minute intervals – you’re looking for an optimal temperature reading of IS IT OVER? AM I DEAD? PLEASE LET ME BE DEAD.
- Take a whiff. If it smells like feet, you’re almost there!
- Maintain optimal temperature for at least ten minutes.
- Ice cream social is done when 75% of the parents have lapsed into irreversible comas. If you’re unsure, poke a parent in the eye with a spork. If she doesn’t respond, you’re good to go!
- Serves 500.
- Enjoy!
.
29 thoughts on “I scream, you scream, we all scream for JUST SHOOT ME.”
Never having been to (or heard of) an ice cream social, this was very educational. *nod nod*
that sounds interesting to say the least… I still have no idea what an icecream social is though.. something like a blue light disco maybe? LOL minus the icecream
Hey! You’ve been tagged!
“If it smells like feet, youβre almost there!”
This was the point at which I just literally fell out of my chair while laughing.
(Um, it’s kind of a rickety chair and the back is broken, but still…)
Thanks for the bruise – erm, I mean laugh, this morning!
That’s *exactly what happens at our ice cream socials. And the hoe down. UGH.
the ice cream social. the hoe down, and the “CARNIVAL”. I’ve just learned to say no. Or more like “OVER MY DEAD BODY”. It’s so liberating to ignore this insanity now.
Gosh, what took you so long to be disqualified for Mother of the Year! Hee-hee! You are a fantastic writer!
How funny! Ice Cream Socials where I am from in Missouri, was always in the summertime and you ate out doors in the 100 degree humidity with gnats flying in your face. Basically the same as yours, but outside.
Lord help, I didn’t even have to read all the way to the end to relive any number of hellish experiences. I have 5 kids from 23 down to age 11, so you can imagine how long I have been subjected to ice cream socials, hoe downs, school carnivals (indoor carnivals–yeah, right!), and let’s not forget the Pinewood Derby and the Boy Scout Cake Sale. I begin shuddering in anticipation when the end of August draws near, and I continue until June. Then high school band camp social activities begin . . .
All I can say is THANK GOD OUR SCHOOLS DON’T HAVE ICE CREAM SOCIALS. Seriously. Ugh.
It sounds like hell to me.
have fun. =)
Wow. I hate to tell you this, but ours is so not like that π Our ICS is in June and it’s outside. You pay something like $7 ahead of time and get a meal – hot dog, drink, fruit and ice cream. And carnival games, bounce house, etc. The kids do have to go inside to get their ice cream and can eat it in the cafeteria, where the band consisting of students and parents plays, but you can go back out when it gets too loud π Of course there are long lines to wait in for the carnival games and then cheap 50 cent prizes that break in the first 10 minutes, but the kids don’t care…
rotflol!! OMG… thankfully we do NOT have ice cream socials. YET. Now I’ve got to figure out a way to block every IP from every PTA member in our school system to your blog or I’m sure they’ll add that to the ajenda! Right next to the skating parties from hell! LOL π
Ha! Your post cracks me up π Thanks for stopping by my SITS featured blog today! I love meeting new bloggers!
No, no, no!! I HATE “organized” functions which is why I’m FAR from Mom of the Year. I CRINGE at the bulletins of an event! LOL Now I have to prepare myself to get psyched about a Winter Carnival…JOY!!
OMG! You made me cry! I’m laughing so hard!
I’ve been sitting here, wondering, if you actually did do the preparatory warm up for the BIG EVENT.
So funny – thanks.
OK, I’ve never attended an ice cream social and now you can mark that off my list of lifetime thrills.
Although living through January in the Midwest, I wouldn’t say no to 103-degree temperatures.
Rolling with laughter here! I read your first paragraph three times trying to figure out what was going on, and when I realized what you were getting at I exploded into laughter.
I’ll never have to deal with this as my children will never be older than two and a half.
I went to one event at my son’s elementary school last year, an International Food Night, and it was much the same as you describe here. That’s why I will never go back to his school at night, for any reason. I just send money to the PTA and stay home…
ROFL!! School socials! I can’t stand them! I avoid them like they are the plague! I don’t handle large crowds very well, and definantly not in a school cafeteria where they think running the air after hours is against some unwritten school standard, and running the heat too high all winter is the best form of torture! My son’s choir concerts are much the same as the icecream social…except at the highschool Auditorium. It is ALWAYS 200 degrees in that building, no matter the time of year!
If anyone EVER asks me again, or gives me that sad face, over the fact I have no sense of smell … I’m sending them over to your blog π Are you considering home schooling?
Bwwahahahahahahah!! Can you believe that I’ve somehow managed to avoid any ice cream socials? I never had any growing up and so far Ryan has never had one…But I’m ready now – rofl! π
Man, wow, this sounds like a blast! *sarcasm*
I’ve been to one of those gatherings before. I just love to be tortured and baked and then look forward to the next one!
Oh man, is that what I have to look forward to when my kids start school!! The comment about poking a parent in the eye with a spork made me almost pee in my pants. I really need to do my Kegels more often!!
I tagged you on my blog today π
http://jennilyndesigns.com/journal/archives/1377
Hi–I was just stopping by to thank you for visiting my blog yesterday via BATW and this post was just so freaking funny that I think I’m going to have to come back on regular basis. (I’ll have to drop another less funny blog as I am reading too many blogs as it is). Plus your photo and comments under it just cracked me up.
Oh. Oh my. I have never been to an ice cream social like this, but I think my first one is coming up next year. I’m officially hiding the form when it comes home and pretending I know nothing about it.
Thanks so much for stoppping by my blog today. The SITS feature was so much fun, and I really appreciate all the wonderful comments. I hope you’ll come back to visit again soon!
Sounds crazy and fun :p