I was like Forrest Gump except when my brain yelled RUN FORREST RUN, I stayed put. Which makes me the worst Forrest Gump ever.

Every spring and summer, after the warm weather hits and my feet wake up from hibernating in their cocoon of socks and Danskos, I treat myself to a pedicure. This is my latest, done earlier this month when I took advantage of a Groupon deal at my favorite salon. That’s OPI’s “Meet Me On the Star Ferry” gracing my toes. And for anyone who’s interested, that’s Mother Nature’s “Meet Me on the Dry, Scaly, Crocodile Skin Ferry” gracing my legs.

It’s only the second week of May and the snow has been gone for only a couple of weeks but this is already my second pedicure. My first one took place in mid-April, the night before we were due to leave for our trip down south and was the result of running out of time and common sense and anything remotely resembling good decision making skills. I’d like to lump it all under the guise of trying to be spontaneous but those who know me best know that the last time I was spontaneous, I was an embryo.

That first pedicure took place at a local salon that I had not visited before and will never visit again. I do not know why I stayed for the full pedicure. I’d like to say that I was simply trying to be polite and not cause a scene because that’s how I roll but those same people who know me best would collapse to the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter.

My first inklingΒ  that perhaps the pedicure wasn’t meant to be was when I pulled into the parking lot at 7:05 p.m., on a whim, only to discover they had closed five minutes prior.

My second inkling was when I tried to drive away and had to slam on the breaks to avoid killing the short, animated, Asian woman who came flying out the front door and flung her body onto my windshield while yelling YOU WANT MANICURE? PEDICURE? WE OPEN! NO DRIVE AWAY! WE OPEN! COME IN!

My first flat-out clue that all was not going to go well was when I was directed to soak my feet in lukewarm water, after which I was promptly forgotten about for almost thirty minutes.

My second was when a nail technician finally came over to work on me and she did not wear gloves, causing every germaphobic fiber of my being to break out into a cold sweat.

My first Holy shit, woman … get the hell out of here moment was when she took a pink nylon scrubby sponge thing from a drawer, used it to furiously exfoliate the sole of my left foot right down to its subcutaneous fat layer, and then touched the side and back of my foot with it, ripping off a few layers of skin on my ankle bone and heel, after which she apologized and then dunked my bleeding foot back into the water.

My second Run while you still have feet to run with moment was when she did the same exact thing to my right foot.

My final moment of overwhelming colossal stupidity for staying longer than thirty seconds in that place was when she took that pink nylon scrubby sponge thing, the same one that had come into contact with my dead skin and live blood, and quickly rinsed it in the same water my bleeding feet were soaking in and then returned it back to the drawer from which she found it.

I should have listened to my gut instinct, the one that was screaming YOU ARE A MORON. IF YOU DON’T LEAVE RIGHT NOW, YOU DESERVE TO WALK OUT OF HERE THE WALKING PERSONIFICATION OF A STAPH INFECTION. WHEN YOU DIE OF MRSA WITHIN A WEEK, DON’T COME CRYING TO ME.

I have no idea why I didn’t follow my instincts and rip that nail technician up one side and down the other before getting the hell out of Dodge. None whatsoever. It’s so completely, totally and utterly unlike me not to make an enormous stink about something like this. This will come back to bite me in the ass the next time time I yell at my kids because they didn’t take the laundry upstairs the seventeenth time I asked them to. Oh sure. You get mad at your own flesh and blood over some stupid underwear but you’ll let a complete stranger practically skin you alive and not say a word. What kind of mom are you?

Have you ever had a bad experience at a salon? How did you handle it?

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19 thoughts on “I was like Forrest Gump except when my brain yelled RUN FORREST RUN, I stayed put. Which makes me the worst Forrest Gump ever.”

  1. where did you go? (just so I kn ow not to ever go there?

    and where did you go for that funky cool color? – the better pedicure experience?

    Lunch sometime soon?

    1. Creative Junkie

      Don’t you love that color?!? It’s like a purple/mauve/silver combo with lots of shimmer.

      I won’t name the first salon on this blog (although I’m not sure why I won’t, except maybe I’m allergic to defamation lawsuits even though I would totally win since I was there and know exactly what happened to my feet but since I never made a fuss about it to them and allowed them a chance to defend themselves, even though there is no defense but whatever … umm, what did you ask again?)

      The salon where I got my second pedicure and this awesome color is Scott Miller. Very pricey normally as you know but with the Groupon deal, it was great!

  2. I had cut myself shaving — huge, scabbed gash on my ankle. And it wasn’t at the stage where it’s pretty much healed and the scab is just hanging on for fun — it was still kind of oozy and gross. Yeah. I know. Anyway, I was going to be in my friend’s wedding in a few days and all the bridesmaids were going to get pedicures together, so I figured I should just suck it up and go. When I went in, I showed the woman who was going to do my pedicure and asked if she could work around it. “Sure, sure.”

    Cut to ten minutes later, as she rubs exfoliating lotion on my legs… And proceeds to rip off my scab, and then RUB LOTION INTO THE SEEPING WOUND. And not just any lotion, lotion with EXFOLIATING BEADS.

    And then she notices the scab in her hands, looks up at me, laughs, and, I kid you not, just kind of flicks it onto the floor.

    I just pray she didn’t know what it was, but judging by her reaction, she knew. Oh, she knew. She probably also knew that she was rubbing exfoliating lotion into an open wound. I’m pretty sure she was evil. That’s really the only explanation.

  3. I thought I was going to faint from reading your post, even though you’d already told me about the MRSA pedi.

    But, I read it anyway, laughing through my urge to faint.

    THEN I read the comments. Specifically Mary’s comment.

    Now I feel like vomiting while I faint, which I believe is how Janet Joplin died. Or was it Jimi Hendrix?

    I will never, ever, EVER understand how you all are so deluded as to think *anything* about a pedicure is a good (much less FUN) idea. *shudder*

    Off to tromp upstairs on my Hobbity Hooves and paint my own toenails a nice shade of “whatever I have in the vanity cupboard that isn’t totally separated and dried out” TYVM…

    πŸ˜‰

  4. I got a pedicure once–it was a gift before my wedding. Ever since then I’ve had calluses the size of wadded up sandpaper sheets. But omg Andy, I can’t believe the grossness of your experience!!! Disgusting!

  5. OMG! I’ve only ever had two salon experiences & they both went fine, apart from the TV & reading materials. Jerry Springer on the tv & lots of Look! & Hello! type mags, which I have zero interest in

  6. My daughter and I go on a regular basis to get our feet done to the same place. My daughter is in a wheelchair so proper foot care in important. I go because I can barely put on my own shoes and tie the laces. I do believe your experience because we had this type of salon exposed on the news up here in Canada. Those water chairs need to be cleaned properly and are not, they are a breeding ground for staph. I do not like to think of myself as racist but as soon as you mentioned the “asian woman” running towards your care–all the salons closed down were run by Asians. The places run out of their homes, at least up here, are closely watched for cleanliness. I would find one of those and stick with them.

  7. Oh my gosh! I have had bad experiences with pedicures, but nothing like this. Wow. I have been cut a couple of times and always worry for weeks that I’m going to end up with Hepatitis. I didn’t even think to add MRSA to that list. πŸ˜‰ I imagine you won’t be going back there ever again!

  8. Yikes, what a horror show. I would not be able to contain myself… my hefty butt and bloody feet would have been so out of there.

    Love the color you got on the new pedi though πŸ™‚

  9. oh HECK. you’re hilarious. but the pedicure totally isn’t. i have grossed out shivers on your behalf. i have never experienced anything like that at a salon – and that includes getting a mani/pedi on the street in a third world country! so um… maybe not name them where, but go leave them bad reviews on every local website you can find. you know… after a tetanus shot. πŸ˜‰ (and agreed – the colour in the picture is lush!)

  10. And this story would be one of the million reasons why I have never been brave enough to get a pedicure πŸ™‚ At least your toes look really cute now though!

  11. Oh! I don’t even know (nor want to know) what MRSA is! Although, if you can get it from a pedicure, I probably already have it. Because I have gone barefoot in some of the very scummiest bars in Houston ever. The worst pedicure I ever had, I can’t really remember what it was exactly that grossed me out about the place. I just mainly remember getting a nail infection shortly afterward.

    You toes DO look great NOW though!!!!!

  12. Your MRSA pedicure story is exactly why I don’t get pedicures or manicures. I’m more scared of catching something from one of those nail salons than I am from my elementary school kid or my husband who’s around college kids all day.

    Once I had a girl waxing my eyebrows into oblivion, and I stopped her and asked, “What the hell are you doing? I don’t want to look like someone’s crazy aunt who pencils on her brows.” But beyond that, I just tell them to stop, and I leave and go somewhere else to get it fixed immediately.

  13. The color you have now is absolutely gorgeous!

    I got a pedicure once where the girl cut the side of my foot with a file. She then proceeded to wrap both feet in sea salt and a warm towel and leave the room. It hurt so badly I was doing lamaze breathing until I calmed down and realized I could take the whole treatment off myself. Never went there again!

    Another time I was getting my eyebrows waxed, and the technician kept putting wax on the same spot. When I got into the car, I realized I had blisters underneath my eyebrows. I went back into the store to complain and get my money back, and the manager wanted to do “herbal first aid” on my poor eyebrows. Thank you, but no!

    I guess maybe I should stay away from the local salons :o(

  14. And how much is the therapy for this one going to cost you, Andy? πŸ˜€

    I have had bad experiences in salons. I handled it by demanding my money back and reporting them to the cosmetology board. And the health department.

  15. a friend and i tried a place one of HER friends recommended and ended up thinking we were being punked as a ‘bridal party’ refused to pay for their services because they weren’t happy, brought in a ‘legal advisor’ and all. I will never go back there again even though they were apologetic. They service wasn’t any good either.

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