I would bathe in alfredo sauce if given the chance …

Remember way back when? When Valentine’s Day meant you got high from the pungent scent of roses delivered that afternoon? When you showered and shaved and waxed and plucked? And then troweled your face with makeup and used a curling iron and flat iron and hair spray, right before you shimmied into a brand new dress and admired your brand new high heeled pumps? All for a romantic evening at a fancy restaurant with cocktails and a steak dinner and a decadent chocolate dessert that the both of you shared?

Me neither.

And for the record, the day I share a decadent chocolate dessert will be the day I share my actual weight with a real, live, human being.

Nate and I did go to Toronto for Valentine’s Day once years ago. We saw Phantom of the Opera and Nate gave me a beautiful diamond necklace and it was very romantic.


That was before we had two kids and two mortgages. Before my waist relocated to another time zone.

Before I required nothing short of a court order to shave and wear heels.

Now, the only things that separate Valentine’s Day from every other day of the year are the cards we exchange after dinner. If we’re feeling really romantic, we might give each other a big smooch in front of the kids so they can screech UGH, GROSS! PUKE! I’M GONNA HURL right before they cover their eyes and run screaming from the room for fear of prolonged exposure to ushy, gushy, mushy toxins.

Then the moment passes and Nate and I logon to our respective computers and call it a night.

This Valentine’s Day, as I was scrubbing and scouring and mopping our entire downstairs and trying not to pass out from my own stench, Nate decided to shock me into a stupor by declaring that he intended to grocery shop and prepare dinner. And not just his infamous “hamburger and noodles” consisting of 80% lean hamburger, macaroni, a bucket of salt and a myocardial infarction.

No, he was going to make fettuccine alfredo with chicken. And garlic bread. And a salad.

I stood there, dripping grimy sweat from every single one of my pores and briefly wondered if Nate had hit his head that morning and if so, what exactly should I do to ensure I didn’t interfere with his concussion? Because quite honestly, if he had morphed into an Anderson Cooper sundae and I had morphed into a spoon, I couldn’t have been happier.

And yes, I’m aware of the AC rumors and no, I don’t care because I’m perfectly content to live in denial. It’s always sunny there with no humidity and my thighs don’t rub against each other EVER.



These are the flowers Nate bought me while grocery shopping. I think Helena picked them out.

Yes, he actually took Helena with him to a grocery store. Voluntarily.

I wish he’d hit his head more often.

In a good way, of course.

Who do I talk to about that?

Valentine's dinner_1

This is Nate before he started cooking. He looks so calm and relaxed.

That’s white paint on his shoulder because he had been priming our master bathroom that morning.

I bet that’s where he hit his head.

In the bathroom, not on his shoulder. You can’t smack your head against your shoulder hard enough to give you a concussion, can you?




For future reference, no … you cannot. You can, however, give yourself whiplash.

Motrin, anyone?


Valentine's dinner_1

He’s cute, isn’t he?

I just love him.

But I hate that he looks so much younger than me. It’s not fair.


Maybe I should go hit my head. Then I wouldn’t care anymore.

Except that I’d have to hit it every day for the rest of my life and that would get old, just like me.



This is Nate twenty minutes later, after I asked him to smile for the 17th time because I could not figure out my manual settings on my camera.

He doesn’t look relaxed anymore.

He looks a little psychotic.

It also looks like he’s got a Gumby thing going on, with his head about ready to explode, presumably because it has sucked all of the muscle and fat from his thighs, causing his nether regions to move due south for the winter.

Gosh, I hope they come back soon.

And for crying out loud, somebody shut that water off behind him before I scratch my eyes out. For the love of God, I can’t stand to have water just run needlessly.


Stop it.  Stop it.  Stop it. Stop it.  Stop it.  Stop it. Stop it.  Stop it.  Stop it.



There it is!

This is the garlic bread Nate made for me.

Wonder what everyone else is going to have?


I don’t have any photos of the meal in process because my camera and I have a mutual I HATE YOUR STUPID GUTS relationship.

But this is the final result. Doesn’t look too appetizing but you know what? It tasted pretty damn good. I think it was all of that I DIDN’T HAVE TO COOK IT that made it taste so delicious.

I love that he made me dinner.

You know what would make it taste even better?

If he served it up unexpectedly on a boring old Monday night in the middle of July, far removed from any holiday, birthday, anniversary or apology.

With a big heaping of JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT mixed in.

Don’t you think?



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64 thoughts on “I would bathe in alfredo sauce if given the chance …”

  1. Avatar

    OMG I think I would kill for garlic bread, I loved it so much, instead I walked for 2 hours.

    today you are the luckiest woman alive.. a cooked meal and flowers and a super cute hubby.. mine is nauseous and whiny right now and I would happily move house without him

  2. Avatar

    You and I have the same kind of expectations of V-Day! I love the thoughtful process vs. the commercial, run out and do it because Hallmark told you to- process!!!!!! My hubster grilled some yummy wings for me and I also had GARLIC BREAD! Nothing says I love you and want to cuddle more than GARLIC BREATH!!!!

  3. Avatar

    Well Nate is darned cute isn’t he? I like that 2nd pose the best! Makes him real! LOL! Now I have to brag too just for a second! My hubby actually got me a dozen roses!! I couldn’t believe it! We don’t do Valentines Day. Never have..much anyway..especially since kids! LOL As for cooking? Poor Jim…sigh. I’m not embarrassed to admit he does a lot of it! Grocery shopping too! Hey! Now I’m sorta starting to agree with his complaints about it all…ACK! **smack** Ok. I’m back to my ol’ self now 😀 Glad you had a good V Day

  4. Avatar

    Totally feel that way! I bought each of us something in January stating they were for Valentine’s Day, but I still expected SOMEthing from my DH. What did I get? A kiss and a “Happy Valentine’s Day”. That’s it. I used to get some flowers and chocolates and we’d go out for supper. Not happening 12 years later I’m afraid. That supper looks yummy!

  5. Avatar

    Ahahaaaa! Hilarious!

    1) LOL @ “trying not to pass out from your own stench”
    2) I am the SAME way about running water! It’s actually physically painful, isn’t it? Oh, and what about when the menfolk leave the fridge open the whole time they’re preparing a sandwich? Then they have the nerve to get mad at YOU when you close it? Gah!
    2) Everything else. 🙂

    Oh, by the way, I stumbled across a new place to list your blog if you aren’t already listed there:

    I found the link on The Daily Blonde and thought of you. You go, girl!

    P.S. Thanks for following me over to the hub of my Hooking Empire & adding me to your reader. It’s a great tool! (Tool in the good way, not the vernacular.) xo

  6. Avatar

    I love how you’re like, “he doesn’t look relaxed. He looks psychotic.”

    Ben once made dinner of hot dogs, rice and corn after I’d had a horrible day at work. I almost cried I was so happy.

  7. Avatar

    Fabulous post and now I’m starving. Great.

    BTW, thanks for visiting my blog on my SITS day – I really appreciate that!

    Off to find some garlic bread now (dammit).

    :^) Anna

  8. Avatar

    Wow! What a hubby you have! Any man who will cook AND put mushrooms in the dish is a keeper! And I must say, from what little I could see, I LOVE your kitchen!

  9. Avatar

    Awesome! Nate’s a cutie.

    Sorry to be late checking in, I’ve spent most of my day at the hospital cursing the fact that I don’t shoot in automatic.

  10. Avatar

    My man and I said “happy Valentine’s day” and then it was like any other day except the youngin’s rubbed my feet later that night. Dinner looked yummy at your house.

  11. Avatar

    I bought two things for hubby on Valentine’s day: a red, heart-shaped bagel (Sorry, but that was just so horrid-looking–but not -tasting that I had to do it), and a bottle of Port wine.

    Then I got to sleep on the floor. *lol*

    So, frankly, I think your husband is on up there with Saints and clouds and hallelujahs and all of them… 😉

  12. Avatar

    Thanks for the laugh. You’re writing style needs to be in a newspaper column DAILY so I can start my day right (cuz it’s all about ME!).

    I got dinner too – salmon and asparagus (husband’s specialty). It was a demand performance 🙂

  13. Avatar

    Love the 2nd picture. The psychotic pose is what I look like when my husband comes home from work every day. 2 boys will do that to a person. Bonus points to Nate for cooking a real meal not out of a jar or box. My husband think anything other than cheesesteaks, spaghetti, and sloppy joes are beyond him.

  14. Avatar

    Yeah Nate! My hubby likes to cook too- he just doesn’t make anything that’s worth eating! Poor guy is kitchen impaired.

    But not YOUR guy, that meal looks awesome~

    And I noticed you said ‘priming the bathroom’. Could it be that you are just INCHES away from finally having a Master Bathroom?

  15. Avatar

    Awwww, that is so sweet that he cooked you dinner, even if it took a bonk on the head to make him do it..heehee! I love the 3rd pic of him…he does kinda look psychotic!!

    What are the rumors about AC?? I must know!!!

  16. Avatar

    Good morning! I love this blog, not only did I laugh out loud, I’m still smiling. Thank you for your wit and fantastic blog! Your husband is a keeper, he’s cure and he cooks – you picked a winner!

  17. Avatar

    Ahhh, what a sweetie you have!! Any man who volunteers to either cook OR clean for you is totally hotstuff keepable!!! You have a winner my dear!

    For Valentine’s Day our entire family got (and still is) terribly sick. So yeah, yours was wayyyyy better!

    Enjoy your special SITS day!

  18. Avatar

    Wow, a mushroom eater! That pasta dish looks delish! Alright!
    I’ve had the unfortunate circle of people that thinks mushrooms are not worth bothering with, except for the fam who’re all forced to it. But then again, I can’t stand Dr. P and I seem to be isolated in that stance. Gotta have balance in the universe I guess…

    Congratulations of being featured!

  19. Avatar

    I have to say I love Anderson Cooper! And I love your kitchen, very nice! My husband and I are huge fans of Alfredo, and garlic bread. Yummy! Maybe that is why we are attempting to loose all the alfredo weight… Your husband is cute, I love the picture of him smiling nice, but then the funny smile, or the 17th smile, is to funny, I about wet my pants at your explination of it!

    Oh and cograts on your SITS day in the sun!

  20. Avatar

    I think that sounds like a VERY nice Valentines day! First of all…you guys exchange cards??? You are so up one on me!!

    What a sweetie of a guy to cook, shop, buy flowers, and paint the bathroom…you’ve got a keeper!

    Congrats on your SITS day!

  21. Avatar

    Awesome! A few things:
    1. I love hearing about people who are as happy in their relationships as I am in mine.
    2. I couldn’t stop laughing. I love your humor.
    3. The last Valentine’s Day that was really romantic was when Hot Husband (who at that time was still Hot Fiance) took me too a french restaurant and the Unbelievably Sexy French Man who owns the restaurant gave me a steamy hot kiss on the lips. I still think about that kiss…lucky for me Hot Fiance was totally cool with Unbelievable Sexy French Man dipping me a giving me a kiss.
    4. The garlic bread looks uber yummy.
    5. Can’t wait to keep reading.
    6. I am so glad you were featured because I fear I wouldn’t have found you any other way.

  22. Avatar

    That was very nice of him!

    I’m totally with you girl on the whole denial of Anderson Cooper…he is just way too HOT to be anything else but a cute boy toy in my bedroom…um…maybe just HOT!!! 🙂

  23. Avatar

    Um, yum! Which I’m sure you already know. However, you have got to tell me what your backsplash is made of! Screw the running water woman! I need to know if that is real stone all the way around. Please for the love of my new house! Help me out! BTW, congrats on being the featured blogger for Wednesday. Sorry this is so late. But I am glad I came by…if not jsut for the backsplash tip.

  24. Avatar

    SHUT UP!!!!! You are fucking hysterical!! (Are we allowed to curse here?) I just found you today through SITS (great idea, but doesn’t it sound like something that makes your pee burn?). I just read 2 of your posts now and you just had me rolling!!! You’re fantastic!

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