I’d like a midlife crisis soon, please. While I’m still young enough to enjoy it.

Dear God,

I am writing to inquire as to the status of my application for an Official Midlife Crisis. I believe I am deserved of such an event and have previously provided your staff with all of the documentation required, including but not limited to the following:

  • My birth certificate. Please excuse its crumpled condition as I became quite distraught while examining it, what with reliving my entire birth process and the eighties all over again. I’m not sure which event was more traumatic. While my birth year may look like a smudgy blob, rest assured that it does state 1967. Evidently, the salt from my tears had an adverse reaction to the typewriter ink they used way the hell back then. Also, please forgive my use of “hell” just now. It’s a compulsion, but you probably know that already since you equipped me with potty fingers. I just want to assure you that my use of such an expletive does not, in any way, suggest an affinity towards your nemesis.
  • Birth certificates of my two daughters. Please note that one is approaching the age where she will not only be getting her driver’s license but will also be allowed to date. Please note that the other one, while her birth certificate doesn’t explicitly state as such, is currently nine but going on thirty.
  • A copy of my marriage certificate evidencing my marriage of ten years, together with a supporting affidavit indicating that I have not had a full night’s sleep in ten years due to a husband who snorts the Navy Blue Angels up his nose every night before he goes to bed.
  • A security video of me having a moment in the middle of Wegmans when I discovered they were out of Ho Hos. In the event the audio is unintelligible, please note that I am hyperventilating in between shrieking OH NO, NOT MY HO HOS! NOT MY HO HOS! WHERE ARE MY HO HOS? WHO’S GOT ‘EM? I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER’S GRAVE I WILL KILL YOU, YOU SONS OF BITCHES. Transcript available upon request, together with an affidavit from my mother attesting to the fact that she is very much alive.
  • Medical records from the local hospital over the course of the past year documenting seventeen cases of whiplash sustained by my husband as a direct result of my changing my mind about paint colors and sex, both at the speed of light and sometimes even simultaneously.
  • Excel spreadsheet of hormonal surges with accompanying pie chart indicating the severity of the surge and whether it resulted in a frenzied sobbing fit, a violent act of rage or a complete psychosis, together with a corresponding video captured by my youngest daughter of me blubbering hysterically at the preview for the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion show.
  • Stool sample from the manifestation of my shrivelled up fallopian tubes and eggs our puppy.
  • PowerPoint presentation of the thermonuclear energy produced by my hot flashes, as well as an embossed thank you note from the Department of Energy.
  • An assortment of various MapQuest printouts of local tattoo parlors, pole dancing classes and skydiving facilities.
  • Surveillance video of me perusing skinny jeans, jackets with fringe and other completely inappropriate clothing at places such as Hot Topic where I have no business shopping.
  • Handful of tweets suggesting lustful thoughts of karate instructors twenty years my junior.
  • Copy of youngest daughter’s fourth grade math homework covered with corrections and bearing the advice “Helena, please do not let your mom help you with your homework anymore” right next to a big sad frowny face.

It is my hope that the foregoing meets all your criteria for batshit crazy and that you approve my application for Official Midlife Crisis status as soon as possible, before perimenopause sucks my will to live.  Should you need proof of purchase of a boob job/tummy tuck/Botox/complete overhaul, please advise as soon as possible as time is of the essence. The local plastic surgeon has a waiting list a mile long and I might not get in before full onset menopause at which point, I will be too busy shaving my face and drowning in boob sweat to enjoy a crisis of any other kind.

Thank you for any and all consideration.


Creative Junkie



Share this post

16 thoughts on “I’d like a midlife crisis soon, please. While I’m still young enough to enjoy it.”

  1. Avatar

    ROFL! I am surgically post-menopausal. I went through “menopause” in nine months with every symptom magnified to the Nth degree. I don’t think my DH or children will ever fully recover from it. 😉

  2. Avatar

    Oh, a SERIOUS giggle-fit from this one. Especially the snorting husband. I think mine and yours conspired on that one. Oh, and the hot flashes. I just had my first bout with them this past month (surprisingly, I think I got those instead of a period. I’d like my period back, thank you.)

  3. Avatar

    Haha! This really made me laugh. I hope that when I get at that stage, I’ll be able to brush off the symptoms also and just laugh about it. After all, every girl will go through that stage. Thank you for this. You really are cool.

  4. Avatar

    I certainly hope the tattoo under consideration (per bullet point #9) is of Oliver. He’s about the perfect size for a tramp stamp. *Not* that I’m implying any sort of trampiness on your part, mind you. And, if said lower back tat of the World’s Most Adorable, Tiny Puppy someday loses its charm, you can always get a container of this to remove it….

    .-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Relatively Wordy Wordless Wednesday… Bangin’ and Bobbed =-.

  5. Avatar

    We were born the same year. None of this mid life crisis for me. At least I don’t think so. LOL.
    Mind you I am tired of my gyno. telling me all my female problems are hormonal…..If I hear that one more time I’m gonna go hormonal on his @ss.
    .-= Tracy’s last blog post is here ..Lost and never to be found. =-.

  6. Avatar

    This was hilarious!! I am sitting here laughing like I’ve lost my mind and I’m almost positve that my two Pugs are sure that I have in fact…lost my mind. Yeah…they’re learning to live with my hormonal surges lol. Thermonuclear energy produced by my hot flashes!! That line is priceless!!

    I have got to send the link to this entry to my sister…she’ll love it!

  7. Avatar

    I found you through SITS and I have been roaming through your recent posts and you have made me laugh several times! Thank you! I would love to follow you but I can’t seem to find your Follow button…

  8. Avatar

    just a sec… K, got the last of the boob sweat wiped off my upper thighs… don’t feel so clammy now. as a turning mid-50ish WOMAN, oops, sorry do not know what took over me! My “power surges” have been going on since my 20’s… that is years old NOT 1920’s smart***es!! oops, again. Okay , listen if you get a accreditation to be temporarily insane as any time, please ask for a double, so I may swipe, err borrow it from you…
    .-= Faythe@grammymousetails’s last blog post is here ..Prayers for Penny =-.

  9. Avatar

    OMG! I just spewed a hot cup of coffee all over my computer keyboard and screen at this post. My favorite part is the part about the husband that snorts the Navy BA up his nose everynight. I too have a husband that rocks the rafters on a nightly basis. You rock and I really hope the big Man approves your request soon.

  10. Avatar

    Get ready for this tidbit – even though you’re going through all of this now and may even start menopause, it can abruptly end 🙁 Yup, I was almost at my one year mark of no periods and then wham! Now I go through the worst PMS ever. And still have the symptoms of menopause.
    .-= ConnieFoggles’s last blog post is here ..Alphatudes Book Review And Giveaway =-.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *