If Obama gets a do-over, I want one too …

I just finished watching LOST and I am exhausted from chasing my brain all over the house as it bends over backwards in a futile attempt to wrap itself around the concept of time travel. As soon as it gives up and realizes that it is forever destined to yell WHAT? WHAT’S GOING ON? WHEN ARE THEY? OH MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP, I’m going to tackle it and jam it back inside my skull and go to bed for three days.

In the meantime, my eyes are doing the happy dance all over my face.

Hi Jack! Hi Desmond! ((waving furiously))

Both of them make that two hour brain aneurysm totally worth it.

I’ve often thought about my past. Whether, if given the means and opportunity, I’d go back and change anything.

Have you ever read Erma Bombeck’s do-over list? I adore it and I want it engraved on my tombstone, right next to ARE YOU SURE? CHECK AGAIN.

I have a do-over list too and while it’s not as beautifully written as Erma’s, it’s pretty much the gist of what I would have done, had God not been having an off day and I had been born with any discernible common sense. I’d like to simply tack my list onto Erma’s, eat a muffin and call it a day.

If I could be guaranteed that my life would be exactly as it is now, except that I’d be typing this from my gorgeous mortgage-free home in a state with no snow, sitting on my firm ass attached to my smokin’ hot body upon which sits some wicked awesome hair, I’d like the following do-overs:

  1. I would not have asked the doctor at my birth “WAAHHH, WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAHHH” which, roughly translated, meant “Are you sure I’m OK? Did you check? Everywhere? What about here? And there? Is this supposed to do that? Are you sure? Let me see your degree,” prompting him to deposit me in the NICU as tense, thereby setting the course of my life.
  2. I would have taken more computer programming classes in high school and not been all I HATE THIS STUPID CRAP simply because my virtual candle decided to burn sideways instead of vertically. It did so because I did not know how to write computer programs because I wasn’t paying attention because I was bored stiff because I hated that stupid crap.
  3. I would have avoided circles, especially vicious ones.
  4. I would have looked my career counselor right in the eye as I punched him in the nose after he advised me to study criminal justice and then I would have stepped over his lifeless body and become a writer. Or a photographer. Or a rock star.
  5. I would have taken some web design in college and saved myself a homemade frontal lobotomy when I was trying to decipher HTML and CSS and GOBBLE-D-GOOK years later with my own site.
  6. I would have seen my divorce coming and been better prepared for it.
  7. I would have encased my fingernails in cement until I was twenty to ward off my obsession with biting them.
  8. I would have realized sooner that when it comes to grudges, moving on feels so much better than holding on.
  9. But not before I walked by Steve L., decked out in self-respect and pride and four inch high Jimmy Choos and, in front of all of his friends, recommended that he screw himself.
  10. Repeat #9 about thirty-three more times, inserting the names of various assholes you know, and their cousins, because odds are, I dated them.
  11. It goes without saying that I would have played harder to get. But I’ll say it anyway, just to remind myself of my own colossal potential to be a whopping idiot.
  12. I would have taken better care of my skin instead of treating it like an afterthought.
  13. I would have lived on my own longer and enjoyed it, just to prove I could.
  14. I would have taken a map with me from 1986 – 1988 so that I could have found my way back sooner from that vast wasteland known as WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING.
  15. I would have jumped in my car and driven to hell and back to give my old college roommate Kim her own map.
  16. I would have determined exactly where hell was before Kim hung up on me forever.
  17. I would never have gotten in that truck on September 12, 1986.
  18. I would have had a third child and to hell with my uterus. And our bank account.
  19. I would not have eaten that donut.
  20. Repeat #19 approximately 7,943 times.
  21. Repeat #20 except insert pizza slices.
  22. I would have taken more chances.
  23. I would have taken less risks.
  24. I would have written a journal for both of my daughters, starting each entry with Today I love you more than yesterday.
  25. I would look in the mirror and finally understand how the whole can be greater than the sum of its sore, pale, aging, decrepit, pre-menopausal parts.


What’s on your Do-Over list?



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25 thoughts on “If Obama gets a do-over, I want one too …”

  1. Avatar

    I just wish I’d enjoyed my body more when I actually had one. And why can’t I enjoy it now, when I know that in 20 years it’s going to be a whole lot worse than it is now? What’s up with that???

  2. Avatar

    Oh, I’m with Heather T – I recently unearthed photo albums from the basement and found some smokin’ hot photos from the mid 80’s.

    If you get past some of the 80’s hair, I looked damn good. Of course, at the time, I was self-concious and tried to hide it as much as I could.

    And I thought I was fat. What was I thinking?

  3. Avatar

    i love your do over list, there is so many things i would love to do again, and try to do better, but what the heck i am the person i am and i have done what i have (which isn’t much) but i am happy and healthy.

    Love your blog though, i am going to keep reading so you might see some more from me :0

  4. Avatar

    I would have kept my mouth shut on several occasions when I said things I immediately regretted. I would have given a lot more hugs to my kids so that all the arguments and time outs and punishments probably wouldn’t have been needed.

    Oh, and here’s an ironic one: I would have told Tom Whats-His-Name not to be such an ass when Erma Bombeck spoke at my college graduation (she was an alum) and he talked the English majors into not applauding because he thought Erma B. was a schlock writer. I hope I applauded anyway, because Erma rocks. I would kill to be able to write like Erma!

  5. Avatar

    Your comment thingy is doing funny things…

    Back in the 70’s when I was in high school only a few super geeks took computer courses. Never in a million years did it occur to me I would have a job one day where I worked on a computer. I hate them.

    If you had asked me about 10 years ago what I would do over, the response would have been “dieted down to a smaller size than 10 so I could find a husband!” – but now I realize if I had done that I never would’ve adopted my children. So despite all the painful past breakups, I like my life now, as a singleton.

    Changing one thing sets in motion a whole chain of events that will be wiped out, some bad, but some good. Think about all the Back to the Future movies!

    This is my favorite quote: “God’s plan is exactly what I would want for myself if I knew all the facts.”

  6. Avatar

    That was a very, very funny list. I’m going to do my own version someday. I noticed we have the same taste in men. Jack and Desmond are soooo yummy. I see were both also lost from 86-88. If we had been paying attention, we probably passed each other somewhere, and could have waved to one another, speaking of time travel.

  7. Avatar

    umm…1986-88?? I thought I went to bed in 1985 and woke up in 1995!!! You mean to tell me I missed all those years??? Sigh…I’m quite afraid my do over list would be too long to post. I’d have to remember what NOT to do over so that I’d still have my beautiful kids but still…

  8. Avatar

    #2 made me laugh because all of my pictures in high school computer science class came out sideways too. I never could keep my x and y straight!

    I don’t know what I’d do over, to be completely honest. Every time I think of something, I’m like, oh, but without THAT I wouldn’t be/know THIS. I have to think about this one.

  9. Avatar

    Love this post!

    I don’t have a lot on my do-over list but most of it would involve having more of a spine when I was younger. Also, I wish I wouldn’t have wasted my college years thinking I was fat- I could have had so much more fun if I’d had the confidence to go with the rest of the package. Besides, NOW I know what fat REALLY is and it’s not a size 10!

  10. Avatar

    My do-over list is pretty short…

    1. Try to stick it out with my ex for longer…he could’ve been my soulmate.
    2. Don’t go to the first college I went to just because I was afraid to move out of my parents house…it was a waste of money
    3. Don’t go to the college I graduated from…you won’t get a job from your diploma and you’ll waste $20,000.
    4. Be married for a bit longer before having your first child. Your relationship might be stronger and maybe your hubby can deal with the kids better then.
    5. Try eating better earlier on so you can stay 150lbs…200lbs is not where you want to be.

    That’s about it…everything else I can deal with đŸ™‚ I love LOST too…watched the first hour and now I’m waiting for my DH to have the time to watch it all so I can see the last hour.

  11. Avatar

    hmmm, I’ve never really thought about a do-over list, although there are plenty of things I would do differently. On the other hand, I like to think I am where I am today because of my past… the good, the bad, and the “OMFG, I can’t believe I did that” stuff.

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