If you want to get it on with any of the Cullens, this is not the post for you

Several of you asked for my garlic spread recipe after reading last Sunday’s regurgitation post and I decided to share it because I think the world would be much better off if all of us inhabitants wreaked of garlic instead of only a chosen few.

I don’t know about you, but watching as people trample all over each other to remain upwind of me is getting old.

And weird.

From all over the Internet I can hear some of you shouting OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE SECOND RECIPE YOU’VE POSTED. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, A FOODIE?

And to you, I say PISH POSH in a British accent.

Because I’ve always wanted to speak in a British accent and no one in my family will let me and the moment I even try, they all run far away from me, so that leaves you guys to pick up the slack.

Pish posh!

Pish posh, m’gosh!

Pish posh, m’gosh Josh!

That last one had a little bit of an Irish brogue thrown in! Go me!

OK, that’s it for the slack, unless you want me to mix it up with a little bit of an Aussie accent?

I didn’t think so. Thanks for playing.

By the way, I think the fact that I could quite happily bathe in Velveeta excludes me from membership in the foodie club.

Here’s what you’ll need for my garlic spread:

  • One head of garlic
  • Extra Virgin Olive Oil. I really wanted to say “EVOO which is extra virgin olive oil”  but I was afraid Rachael Ray would sue me for copyright infringement
  • One softened, eight ounce building block of life, also known as cream cheese
  • ¼ cup of Reason to Live, also known as butter – softened
  • ½ teaspoon of salt
  • A bunch of chopped scallions. Did you know that my husband’s uncle eats them raw? As in, picks them out of the ground and chews them without first washing all the icky nature off of them? I worry about Uncle Pat sometimes, but only after I pass out from the grossness of it all
  • One baguette, sliced thin, on which to serve the spread

And here’s what you do with all this stuff:

  1. Tell your in-laws that the party starts at 4:00 p.m., because that way, when they arrive at 5:30, they’ll be on time
  2. Remove the outer skin of the garlic head
  3. Tune in to your anal retentive side, which comprises 98% of your psyche, and try to peel off every single shred of garlic skin while ignoring the remaining 2%  of your psyche as it yells FOR GOD’S SAKE, IT DOESN’T MATTER, STOP BEING A FREAK OF NATURE
  4. Place your *naked* garlic head on a sheet of tin foil
  5. Tune in to your childish side because heehee, you said naked
  6. Rub some EVOO all over your naked garlic head, making sure to get it into all the crevices. You don’t want to drown it, but you want to make sure the entire head is covered
  7. Try to ignore that this is beginning to sound like a cheap porn flick
  8. Answer your door and get served with Rachael’s lawsuit barring you from ever uttering the phrase EVOO again
  9. Wrap the garlic head in the foil and bake it at 350° for about 25 minutes
  10. After about five minutes, say really bad words as your kitchen fills up with smoke and you realize that you should have placed a cookie sheet under the garlic
  11. Keep saying the bad words as you throw heavy objects, including your last born, at the smoke alarm to get it to SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY
  12. After about 25 minutes, unwrap the garlic and continue to cook it uncovered for about 8 – 10 minutes until it’s really soft and smells so good that you have to restrain yourself from shoving the entire thing into your mouth
  13. Let it cool. This is a good time to watch Law & Order: SVU and admire Detective Elliot Stabler for the fine specimen of a manly man he is
  14. Remove the garlic pulp. I’d tell you to simply pretend the individual cloves of garlic are zits and squeeze them but that would totally skeeve me out so I’m not going to
  15. Mash the garlic pulp into a paste
  16. Find your mixer but not the beaters. Or vice-versa. Six of one, half dozen of the other. You get my drift
  17. Spend one hour looking for the beaters, only to find them in the last place you look
  18. Beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. Just like me! Except not really
  19. Beat in the garlic pulp and salt
  20. Stir in the green onion
  21. Chill. The garlic spread, not you. Although you can chill if you want – I know it always makes my family breathe a sigh of relief, even though they think I don’t know
  22. Remove from the fridge about 15 minutes before you serve it
  23. Hide in the pantry and eat the whole bowl yourself together with the entire baguette and then stomp around the house shrieking WHO ATE MY GARLIC SPREAD AND BAGUETTE? NOW I HAVE TO GO TO WEGMANS! THANKS A LOT, YOU UNGRATEFUL CRETINS
  24. Wait until your entire family passes out from your breath, then gargle with some Listerine and scamper off to Wegmans to buy a veggie platter and call it a day


For those of you who have no idea who the Cullens are (hi Mom!) they’re the vampire characters in Twilight. I, myself, don’t find any of them attractive except for Rosalie and Alice and since I don’t swing that way – not that there’s anything wrong with that – I have no problem eating this stuff 24/7.

Although I do have issues of abandonment when it’s breezy out while doing so.



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30 thoughts on “If you want to get it on with any of the Cullens, this is not the post for you”

  1. Avatar

    I appreciate your pathetic attempt at an irish brogue – but really, you just have to come visit so we can laugh at your accent in person 🙂

    You SOOOOO NEED (as my daughters would say) to have your own cooking show – would be SOOOOOOOO entertaining.

    Great recipe, thanks 🙂

  2. Avatar

    Don’t try the Ausie accent, Merryl is the only one who comes close, even her “A Dingo took my Baby” line was missing something, maybe it was your garlic dip. I’m sure all that garlic would have helped with her nasal twang. Great recipe though.

  3. Avatar

    First of all, thanks for the recipe – sounds delish and I’m definitely trying it right up to the very last step. I *big, red, puffy heart* garlic.

    Secondly, *waving* HI, WC Heather! 😀 See? Not even whining any more about being beaten to the proverbial punch. That’s what ingesting caffeine *before* blogsurfing in the morning will do for you. Well, for me, anyhow. I’m all sweetness and light, albeit slightly jittery sweetness and light (yes, I *am* drinking Mountain Dew Voltage on a very empty stomach, why do you ask?).

    Thirdly, the Greek family I nannied for Back in the Day made this garlic spread wherein they took an entire lasagna pan (aka a 9×13? glass dish) and filled it with peeled garlic cloves, all crammed in on their ends with just the slightest bit of the very top cut off with a razor blade, then poured approximately 3 or 4 cups of melted Reason to Live very carefully into the pan so that the garlic was completely covered and the Pan was full to the top, then they’d bake it in a very coolish oven (like 250-275 deg F) for hours and hours, then take it out and serve it up with melba toast (though baguettes certainly would work) and yogurt (you know, that plain, strong, Greek kind). They served this at a family reunion and we all ingested approximately eleventy squillion cloves of garlic apiece this way, except for the baby, my charge. We then communally omitted such garlic vapors from our very pores that the house and yard shimmered like a mirage for days.

    The family were a bunch of foodies. (Said with a slight eye roll, because it got annoying. They practically keeled over and died when I dared purchase a bag of Fritos and bring them into the house. Hey, I was a TEENAGED GIRL with PMS, do NOT judge!) This garlic dish was the yummiest thing ever, but they also had the utter gall and audacity to ruin ice cream. I know! RUIN ICE CREAM? Heather, that isn’t possible! But it was – they made homemade ginger ice cream that was SO strong you might as well have just pulled a ginger root straight out of the ground like your uncle and sucked on it. Gag. *That* they fed to the baby, but not the garlic. ‘Twas a crime.

    (That last sentence, btw, was said in my best British accent. We frequently talk in accents around my house, even my 6 year old. However, her entire basis for accents comes from The Wiggles for Aussie and Archibald Asparagus from VeggieTales for British. She hasn’t branched out to the Hughs (Jackman and Grant) for further reference just yet……….)

  4. Avatar

    Hmmm, rereading and undecided as to whether that one sentence should read “the family was” or “the family were” and now thinking it ought to be was, but despite ingesting a whole can of Sweet Nectar of Life (aka Mtn. Dew Voltage) I am not awake enough to figure out. So, kindly read the appropriate word into the sentence for me, mmmkay? Thanks.

    And yes, I *was* an English major in college. English and Textual Studies, to be precise. Go me!

  5. Avatar

    I have to admit this post had me HOWLING with laughter. I could eat my weight in bagueetes with garlic spread. Who needs family around you?!

    Thanks for the laugh! (should warn us folks to wear Depends though. 😛 )

    Enjoy your day!!

  6. Avatar

    Well, I was still giggling cause she said naked, and then she said Elliot Stabler and I was drooling and panting at the same time. He just so rocks my world Andi!

    (BTW…..of course it was in the last place you looked because once you found it, you stopped looking, right?) Silly girl. Sorry, I was channeling my non-funny mother. (shiver)

    The Cullens are wonderful, but not as beautiful in the movie as they were in my head when I read the book. Although I do have to say Carlisle is kinda on the hot side. Certainly not the Elliot hot side, but he is one of the most attractive vampires I have ever met. When I make this garlic spread, and it sounds so mouthwatering I will, I expect I will not meet any more vampires. Sadly, one chapter of my life will close. Maybe it’s time to head to NY and loiter near ATM’s and Bodegas until a crime is committed and Detective Stabler can question me as a witness……..think Olivia would mind???

    Andi, you are such a fun way to start my day. Foodie or not, I love your words and humor. Thank you!

  7. Avatar

    Love the editorializing of the recipe, the way every one should be written, who cares about measuring when you have the “building block of life” in the ingredients. Glad I found you on SITS.

  8. Avatar

    Ah, a recipe after my own heart. It makes me long for the days when I could still eat baguettes! Your recipe is as off as mine are, too, which is super great. Mine aren’t funny, but I don’t use real measurements most of the time because, as the hubby says, I cook like a grandma. 🙂 Thanks for a happy morning.

  9. Avatar

    I noticed you posted on basketballmamas blog, here ya go

    FREE CHOCOLATE and no coffee…LOL
    You have to go on friday mornings, but if you go now they will send you a reminder.
    You can do this 4 times, 4 candybars woohoooo

    Happy Scrapin’ Kat

  10. Avatar

    I totally need to brush my teeth after reading this post. And, I have a 13 year old daughter, so — unfortunately? I know the whole Cullen thing much. too. well.

  11. Avatar

    ha Ha ha…. the part about the inlaws being on time. Boy, can I relate to that!

    do me a favor..would you give me persmission to post this on my healthy blog or you post a link to it on my healthy blog. Every wednesday is recipe day or thursday can’t remember. Some what bogged down with the move. Could use some help over there while moving..

    Here’s the link-

    Andy I seriously needed your humor yesterday. See my main blog for today’s post.

  12. Avatar

    Egads! I about snorted my Diet Dr. P when I read that “building block of life”. That is so me….if you can’t put cream cheese in it, under it or over it, it just isn’t worth eating….

  13. Avatar

    My eldest son would eat green onions in the shopping cart at about age 2. I would peel the outer part away so it was clean and he would just gobble them up. They come in a bunch so I paid the same price even though one or two were missing. No weighing involved.
    The recipes sounds delish. Thanks. You can also take some of this mix and add it into mashed potatoes to really go nuts.

  14. Avatar

    Any recipe that involves creaming Building Block of Life with Reason to Live will be a new staple in my repertoire (yes, I had to spell check that!)
    Thanks for the food and the giggles!

  15. Avatar

    I swear, every time I stop by, I need to make sure I have kleenex for my tears from the laughter! The recipe sounds delish and I can’t wait to try it, and yes, I do believe I will make it on a day when it is just me around and I won’t have to share!

  16. Avatar

    Sup Creative Junkie?!

    You know, everyone thinks the smell of garlic on someone smells bad. It actually makes me hungry. But, there was this one time though when a guy smelled like outside and wreaked of garlic too. That was disgusting!

  17. Avatar

    This smells divine, except for the scallions. I will make it, for sure. Except I will wait until I have a good book to read because I will be spending a lot of time on the potty. Eating entire heads of garlic does that to me. Spent an entire night on the potty. Don’t want to be gross or anything, but it’s like Ex Lax…

  18. Avatar

    I’m totally gonna make this for a picnic that I’m going to this weekend!! It looks SO yummy!!! As I was reading #6, I was giggling to myself thinking, “this sounds like a how-to book about sex” and then I read your next comment….great minds think alike!

    No one writes recipes the way you do….NO ONE!!! You make me laugh so hard I cry!

  19. Avatar

    I still want to get it on with one of the Cullens and your post is still definitely for me 🙂 I thoroughly enjoyed your humor and the recipe too.

    You tittle is what brought me here from Connie Foggles.

  20. Avatar

    Andy, Andy, Andy…

    You have to stop messing with my psyche. The visual picture I make of you bathing in Velvetta is really disturbing.


    Funny, but disturbing.

  21. Avatar

    Oh, well I definately want to get it on with Edward-shh, dont tell my husband-but I’m going to have to risk it for that garlic recipe!!

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