I’ll have a stroke on the side, please.

Mom: This room is a pigsty. Last I checked, we are not pigs. We are humans. How can you stand it? The both of you will pick it up today. Understood? TODAY.

The Both of You: Yep.

One hour later.

Mom: Soon I am not going to be able to find either of you underneath all of this crap. Are you even here? Why haven’t you picked this room up yet?

The Both of You: You said today! Today’s not over yet!

Two hours later.

Mom: I know you are not dead because I can see you breathing. If you are trying to impersonate a slug, you are failing miserably because slugs move faster than you. When I said today, I meant RIGHT NOW. GET UP AND CLEAN THIS ROOM. NOW.

The Both of You: OK, OK Mom! Geez.

Three seconds later:

The One: That’s not mine. I’m not picking it up.

The Other: It is too yours! It’s not mine!

The One: No it isn’t! You’re such a slob, you don’t even know what’s yours. I’m not picking your stuff up!

The Other: Then I’m not moving your stuff! Like this thing! You touched it last.

The One: No I didn’t! You did! I saw you touch it. You pick it up!

The Other: Then you pick up all that stuff because you touched all of it last week.

The One: No way! You touched at least half of it! You pick it up!

The Other: I’m not picking up your stuff!

Escalates to shouting:

The One: You’re such a baby. Wah Wah Wah Wah.

The Other: YOU’RE THE BABY!

The One picks up a used napkin and throws it at The Other

The One: Hah! You touched it last! You pick it up!

The Other: That’s gross! That’s not fair! I’m telling Mom!

The One: Go ahead, you big baby!

Escalates to shrieking:

The Other: STOP CALLING ME A BABY!

The One: FINE. YOU’RE A BRAT!

The Other: YOU ARE!

The One: DON’T ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOU EVER AGAIN!

The Other: I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING WITH YOU IF YOU PAID ME!

The One: YOUR STUFF IS STUPID!

The Other: YOU’RE STUPID!

The One: YOU ARE!

The Other: YOU ARE!

The One: YOU ARE INFINITY FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER!

The Other: YOU ARE INFINITY FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER PLUS ONE!

The One: THAT’S DUMB, THERE IS NO SUCH THING!

The Other: DON’T CALL ME DUMB!

The One: DON’T HIT ME!

The Other: YOU HIT ME FIRST!

The One: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The Other: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Silence.

The One: Where’s Mom?

The Other: I don’t know.

The One: Ssshhh … I think I hear her breathing.

The Both of Them walk to the kitchen to find Mom slumped on the floor. They bend over.

The One: Mom? She’s being a brat.

The Other: I am not! Mom! She hit me!

The One: I did not!

The Other: Yes, she did! Look at my bruise!

The One: That’s dirt, DUH.

No response from mom.

The Both of You: What are you doing down here, Mom?

Mom: I cannot take it any longer. I am considering passing out from stress. Your shouting has given me arrhythmia and I am sitting here trying to decide if I have time to have a full-blown stroke before dinner. Maybe just a heart attack. I’m not sure yet.

The Other: What are we having?

The One: Don’t let it be chicken. I’m so sick of chicken. Can we have tacos?

The Other: I don’t want tacos! Can we go out for dinner?

The One: Let’s go to Unos!

The Other: No, I want Red Robin!

Mom: Is the room spinning? Or tilting sideways? Why are you upside down?

The One: No, Unos!

The Other: No, Red Robin!

Mom: Speaking of colors, can you tell me what shade of blue I am right now?

The One: Hey, how about Panera?

Mom: Because if it’s more on the violet side, call Daddy and tell him he’ll have to drive you to youth group as I’m going to be tied up for the next couple of hours having bypass surgery.

The Other: Mom, I don’t want Panera! I want Red Robin! RED ROBIN, RED ROBIN, RED ROBIN!

Mom: Can one of you check my pulse? I think I might be dead.

The One: I want to do it! Let me! Where’s your pulse?

The Other: I want to do it! She always get to do everything! Mom!

The One: Stop pushing me!

The Other: Then stop kicking me!

The One: YOU ARE SUCH A BRAT! YOU ALWAYS GET YOUR WAY!

The Other: YOU’RE THE BRAT! MOM! SHE CALLED ME A BRAT!

Mom: I can’t help you, honey. I’m busy trying to determine if I am dead.

The Other: Hey, I know! First one to pick up the most stuff in the living room gets to take her pulse!

The One: And the one who finishes first gets to call the restaurant!

The Other: OK!

The One: On your mark …

The Other is already out the door.

The One: THAT’S NOT FAIR! YOU’RE A CHEATER!

Shouts fade as The One runs after the The Other and they busy themselves picking up the living room, chatting about dinner.

Mom slowly gets up and decides that a myocardial infarction is a small price to pay for a clean living room and not having to cook dinner.

She looks around at her messy house wonders what she could get out of an emergency appendectomy?

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21 thoughts on “I’ll have a stroke on the side, please.”

  1. “I’m Telling Mom!”, makes my right eye start twitching and I’m pretty sure there is an anueryism or twelve forming in my brain. I often wonder if Lego scares heal, or since they’re only on my feet does it matter. I’m putting on my Indiana Jones hat and attempting to rearrange the furniture in my daughters’ room. I might just find a snake.

    Great story, as always!

  2. Are you sure you’re not living with my kids? OH my! Why can I laugh at this when it’s so surreal. At home I don’t laugh. I guess I laugh at you because I realize I’m not the only one.

  3. My goodness – were you eavesdropping at my house? 🙂

    This has got to be one of the hardest summers yet with the kids – I am so glad July is almost over. (I am pretending it is almost over, LOL).

    Thanks for visiting my blog today!

  4. I’m so hungry for Red Robin now! LOL This definitely sounds like our house, only it escalates to hitting MUCH faster, since my two oldest are BOYS and only 3 and 6. Lots and lots more hitting… with a lot of baby noises (she is only 16 months old) in the background. I take high blood pressure meds – enough said!

  5. I wish I had your gift of irony and humor my friend! Mostly I just go running out of the house and dunking my head in the pool! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  6. I am so glad my kids are grown and I don’t hear that anymore! It actually was worse when that was my sister and I!

  7. Aaahhhh…sweet memories of my childhood…

    No, seriously…Trying to read this and answer my office manager without laughing is very, very hard. I don’t recommend it. :op

  8. Sorry to say you don’t get much for an emergency appy….just 1-2 days in the hospital then home with no ride on toys or sports for 3 weeks…at least that’s the discharge orders in our hospital…try for something bigger like a cardiac bypass or a craniotomy(brain surgery) then you’ll get 2 weeks in the hospital and a month with restrictions….let me know what you decide to choose…

  9. Did you have a spy bug planted in a light fixture in my house today? Is this the transcript taken from today’s tapes?
    Hmmm…I would check the light fixture for said listening device, but then I might be compelled to dust it and you know how that goes…

    Blessings!

  10. Oh my…..it is completely and utterly amazing to me how many of our households sound the same. Just yesterday I asked my husband what the statute of limitations was for dropping kids off at the local hospital/fire station/police station… no questions asked…*please let it be 10 years, please let it be 10 years…*
    he said he was pretty sure we’d surpassed the legal limit years ago…. DRAT!
    My thought on a trip to the hospital….you get to stay in bed all day..someone brings you food….there’s a tv hovering above and a remote ATTACHED to your bed…and someone else bathes you….. can’t be all bad, right???? Oh yeah, and people send you cards and flowers…. Hmmm…. wanna share a double room???? LOL!
    Good luck with those kids…and remember the cheesy bumper sticker that reads “Be nice to your kids, they pick your nursing home”…now there’s a scary thought…

  11. OMG, I have 2 girls, 3 years apart and that will probably be me in about 5 years, maybe less. LOL I’d be willing to fork out the money for take-out if the girls would just pick up their mess without a fuss.

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