Mom: This room is a pigsty. Last I checked, we are not pigs. We are humans. How can you stand it? The both of you will pick it up today. Understood? TODAY.
The Both of You: Yep.
One hour later.
Mom: Soon I am not going to be able to find either of you underneath all of this crap. Are you even here? Why haven’t you picked this room up yet?
The Both of You: You said today! Today’s not over yet!
Two hours later.
Mom: I know you are not dead because I can see you breathing. If you are trying to impersonate a slug, you are failing miserably because slugs move faster than you. When I said today, I meant RIGHT NOW. GET UP AND CLEAN THIS ROOM. NOW.
The Both of You: OK, OK Mom! Geez.
Three seconds later:
The One: That’s not mine. I’m not picking it up.
The Other: It is too yours! It’s not mine!
The One: No it isn’t! You’re such a slob, you don’t even know what’s yours. I’m not picking your stuff up!
The Other: Then I’m not moving your stuff! Like this thing! You touched it last.
The One: No I didn’t! You did! I saw you touch it. You pick it up!
The Other: Then you pick up all that stuff because you touched all of it last week.
The One: No way! You touched at least half of it! You pick it up!
The Other: I’m not picking up your stuff!
Escalates to shouting:
The One: You’re such a baby. Wah Wah Wah Wah.
The Other: YOU’RE THE BABY!
The One picks up a used napkin and throws it at The Other
The One: Hah! You touched it last! You pick it up!
The Other: That’s gross! That’s not fair! I’m telling Mom!
The One: Go ahead, you big baby!
Escalates to shrieking:
The Other: STOP CALLING ME A BABY!
The One: FINE. YOU’RE A BRAT!
The Other: YOU ARE!
The One: DON’T ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOU EVER AGAIN!
The Other: I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING WITH YOU IF YOU PAID ME!
The One: YOUR STUFF IS STUPID!
The Other: YOU’RE STUPID!
The One: YOU ARE!
The Other: YOU ARE!
The One: YOU ARE INFINITY FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER!
The Other: YOU ARE INFINITY FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER PLUS ONE!
The One: THAT’S DUMB, THERE IS NO SUCH THING!
The Other: DON’T CALL ME DUMB!
The One: DON’T HIT ME!
The Other: YOU HIT ME FIRST!
The One: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The Other: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The One: Where’s Mom?
The Other: I don’t know.
The One: Ssshhh … I think I hear her breathing.
The Both of Them walk to the kitchen to find Mom slumped on the floor. They bend over.
The One: Mom? She’s being a brat.
The Other: I am not! Mom! She hit me!
The One: I did not!
The Other: Yes, she did! Look at my bruise!
The One: That’s dirt, DUH.
No response from mom.
The Both of You: What are you doing down here, Mom?
Mom: I cannot take it any longer. I am considering passing out from stress. Your shouting has given me arrhythmia and I am sitting here trying to decide if I have time to have a full-blown stroke before dinner. Maybe just a heart attack. I’m not sure yet.
The Other: What are we having?
The One: Don’t let it be chicken. I’m so sick of chicken. Can we have tacos?
The Other: I don’t want tacos! Can we go out for dinner?
The One: Let’s go to Unos!
The Other: No, I want Red Robin!
Mom: Is the room spinning? Or tilting sideways? Why are you upside down?
The One: No, Unos!
The Other: No, Red Robin!
Mom: Speaking of colors, can you tell me what shade of blue I am right now?
The One: Hey, how about Panera?
Mom: Because if it’s more on the violet side, call Daddy and tell him he’ll have to drive you to youth group as I’m going to be tied up for the next couple of hours having bypass surgery.
The Other: Mom, I don’t want Panera! I want Red Robin! RED ROBIN, RED ROBIN, RED ROBIN!
Mom: Can one of you check my pulse? I think I might be dead.
The One: I want to do it! Let me! Where’s your pulse?
The Other: I want to do it! She always get to do everything! Mom!
The One: Stop pushing me!
The Other: Then stop kicking me!
The One: YOU ARE SUCH A BRAT! YOU ALWAYS GET YOUR WAY!
The Other: YOU’RE THE BRAT! MOM! SHE CALLED ME A BRAT!
Mom: I can’t help you, honey. I’m busy trying to determine if I am dead.
The Other: Hey, I know! First one to pick up the most stuff in the living room gets to take her pulse!
The One: And the one who finishes first gets to call the restaurant!
The Other: OK!
The One: On your mark …
The Other is already out the door.
The One: THAT’S NOT FAIR! YOU’RE A CHEATER!
Shouts fade as The One runs after the The Other and they busy themselves picking up the living room, chatting about dinner.
Mom slowly gets up and decides that a myocardial infarction is a small price to pay for a clean living room and not having to cook dinner.
She looks around at her messy house wonders what she could get out of an emergency appendectomy?