It’s Sixteen Candles! Except that her parents remembered. And she kept her panties.

Once again, Zoe has disobeyed me. Despite my heated requests and pleas and screeching beseeching, she absolutely refuses to stop growing up. She will turn sixteen this weekend and I am in the process of stapling my eyelids open because I’m scared that the next time I blink, she’ll be headed off to college.


And then down the aisle.


And then past the elevators through the maternity doors on the right.


And then down one floor to pull the plug on her mother whose last words were WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, I’M A GRANDMOTHER ALREADY?

Within thirty seconds of hitting sixteen, Zoe will be getting her permit and learning how to drive. On real roads. With real cars. So many cars that it might be construed as traffic.

All you drivers out there? Please do me a solid and hot glue rubber tires all over your cars because honestly, you can never have too many bumpers.

And all you pedestrians? Stay home.

Same goes for you bikers. And rollerbladers. And golfers who shank and slice and can’t keep track of your wayward balls.

Let’s make this easy.


If you absolutely must go out, because you’re hemorrhaging or shoes are on sale somewhere, please please please, for the love of God, keep an eye out for Zoe. She’ll be the one in the bubble wrapped Honda equipped with supersonic strobe lights on its roof so that you can see her coming a mile away. You should then have plenty of time to get the hell out of the way as she will be approaching at a maximum speed of ten miles an hour, if my handiwork on the Honda was successful.

Zoe, you were worth every single one of those sixty hours it took to bring you into this world. Happy sixteen, babe.



Share this post

18 thoughts on “It’s Sixteen Candles! Except that her parents remembered. And she kept her panties.”

  1. Avatar

    OMG you are as bad as i am!!! LOL!! only you verbalize it better!! i just call it mama trauma! mine IS in college (at just barely 18) so i SOOOOO know what you are going through — hugs your way – & you have two choices.. either color your hair to HIDE the grey she is causing or FLAUNT it and be proud of the grey hair cause you EARNED it! LOL!!
    a fellow (freaking is down to about once a week) mom

  2. Avatar

    You are too funny, lady. My takeaway from this whole thing (besides the fact that you love your baby girl) is:


    That’s such a great lesson. It’s kind of a Brave New World type of thing,where people in zippered pleather pants live in a bubble and run around protecting their crotchal region. Hmm… Or Spaceballs. ๐Ÿ™‚
    .-= InspiredDreamer’s last blog post is here ..Curvy Thursday =-.

  3. Avatar

    Another grandchild is getting older and on the road! Already have one on the road with her own car, named Ruby! Now Zoe, next year my only grandson will be driving! At least it will be a while till Zoes sister is old enough to drive! By then my mind will be gone!!!!!

  4. Avatar

    My son has just turned 12 and started high school – and he’s tall enough to look me in the eye now! I had enough trouble this year letting him catch the bus to school, (which he had to do since I started working 3 days) then he wanted to ride his bike – ACK!, let alone think about him driving!! I still think I should put him in deep freeze for a few years til I can get used to all ‘letting go’ stuff. Or maybe it should be me in the freezer!

    Hope Zoe has a magical, fantabulous 16th!

  5. Avatar

    OMG!!!!! is it that time ALREADY????? ACK!!!! Ok. Andy for you?? Breathe. It’s ok…just breathe. Zoe? Happy birthday!! You are a BEAUTIFUL girl and I only hope that my Hannah is as beautiful, responsible and as smart as you are when she’s 16 ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh and give your mom a break! She can’t help it!! LOL ๐Ÿ˜‰ :p
    .-= Martha’s last blog post is here ..eclecticRed on Hiatusโ€ฆ =-.

  6. Avatar

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZOE!!! Don’t let your mother make you nuts.

    And Andy, if it makes you feel any better – they can get their permit at 15 in TN! We’ll be going thru the same thing shortly. So you’re probably safer in NY than you would be around here with all our 15 year olds with permits running around. Best of luck to you!
    .-= Jenn W’s last blog post is here ..Quick Tip Tuesday โ€“ What are you Missing? =-.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *