Me, myself and my other 216 personalities

All the Christmas decorations have been down for awhile now and our house has been completely stripped of all of its HO HO HO.

Well, we’re not completely HO-less.

I’m still here.

Just kidding!

Sort of.

With yet another holiday over and the throes of winter just beginning …  it was time to go spelunking in our basement. I put on my hard hat and packed a snack and ventured down into the abyss in search of the large, square, multi-colored box I bought at Target years ago. In it, wrapped up in plastic and soft blankets and nestled all comfortably together, are all of my extra personalities … the ones I switch out according to my moods, much like people switch out their comforters and pillows according to the seasons. Switching personalities isn’t nearly as costly as switching out comforters and pillows though, if we’re talking dollars and cents.

But if we were talking sense? As in mental and emotional? That has come very close to bankrupting me.

But that’s another post entirely.

I have a couple of personalities that I wear most of the year because, like my beloved Dansko shoes, they fit me perfectly and are incredibly comfortable and I can wear them anywhere.

There’s my “Freak of Nature Cloaked in Worry” one that I wear the majority of the time. This one allows me to greet Nate at the door with a How was work? Did the company fold? Are you laid off? I keep up the discourse throughout dinner, with topics such as: Is that a cough? Are you terminally ill? Would you tell me if you were? Are you sure? Think the roof will last through winter? What if it blows off? Are my tires OK? Are your tires OK? Should we get new tires? Have you seen the MasterCard bill? Should I sell my body to pay it? I know, but maybe it would make a dent? What do you think this spot is? Can you get bubonic plague from a shopping cart?

I know, right? You don’t have to tell me. If it weren’t for me, our family dinner conversations would be excruciatingly dull.

I accessorize my “Freak of Nature Cloaked in Worry” personality with my “Semi-Anal, Semi-Obsessive-Compulsive, Do Not Inflict Change Upon Me Lest You Want To Die A Slow, Agonizing Death” one. This one maintains order in our house and establishes a routine, which is crucial to my mental stability. It ensures the kitchen counters are clean and peanut butter and cereal are available for dinner at all times and that Helena has taken a shower in the recent past. It also keeps track of homework assignments and play dates and doctor appointments on our all-mighty calendar. These are good things. On the other hand, it causes me to stand in the middle of Wegmans squirting Benadryl and Cortizone all over my body immediately before lapsing into a stupor because the Quaker Chewy Granola Butterfinger boxes are no longer in aisle 4b. This is probably a bad thing.

Sometimes I don on my “I Am Deaf, Go Away” personality. This one is particularly useful when my girls are engrossed in screaming each other to death or when I am engrossed in yet another futile attempt to wrap my head around time travel while watching an episode of Lost.

Seriously, why do I bother? Just hit me over the head and wake me up when the series is over and tell me how it ends, for God’s sake.

By the way …  who knows when the new season starts? I can’t wait!

That reminds me … I also have a personality called “Don’t Listen to What I Said! Listen to What I Mean!”. This one guarantees that statements like the above will make total sense.

I’ve also got a “Luke, I Am Not Your Father” one that I am forced to wear each and every time the FedEx and UPS and USPS and DHL guys pull into our driveway, which is ALL THE TIME, causing my kids and neighbors to become suspicious about all things paternity. I wouldn’t even have this personality if I wasn’t married to a man who is on a mission to single-handedly buy up the entire world, one DSL connection at a time.

As a side note, I used to try to spice this one up by wearing a black helmet and talking in a deep, resonate voice but after overhearing one offspring say to the other “mom’s losing her mind and doing that darth thing again,” I gave up.

Then there’s the “If You Value Your Colon, Do Not Come Near Me” one. No explanation needed and quite often I wear it in conjunction with the darth one.

So anyway, after a little bit of fumbling around in the depths of our cellar, I finally found the Target box. I tore off the cover and whipped out the personality I wear scarcely ever. Seldom. Infrequently. Sparingly.

Who invented anyway?

I’m talking about my personality that I like to refer to as “Hey, Can We Knock Down This Wall or Something?”

This is the only personality I have that allows me to deal with the very concept of change without freaking out. However, it comes with one small, yet vital, caveat: the change can only be relative to home decor.

When all the Christmas decorations are gone, I am simply astounded that we can live in such a barren and desolate place eleven months out of every year. What are we, sensory deprived animals? Have we no decency? No self-respect?

No taste?

After the holidays, I want to completely remodel the house. Each and every room. I want new carpet. New furniture. New shelves. New paint. Knock down a wall or two. Who cares if they’re load bearing? I’m load bearing and I’ve been knocked down a few times myself so don’t tell me it can’t be done.

New wall art. New bathroom vanities. New faucet fixtures. New towels.

New decor. Period.

What’s up with the bare mantel? Nothing, that’s what.

Why do we have a corner shelving unit with four shelves of nothing? Dust doesn’t count.

It should be physically impossible to comfortably fit six huge laundry baskets full to the brim with freshly laundered towels and sheets and clothes, on our living room floor. So someone explain to me how I can fit eight, with room to spare?

Walls weren’t meant to be bare ass naked. I don’t go around bare ass naked, why should my walls be any different?

You’re welcome, by the way. About my not going around bare ass naked. Don’t lie, I heard the whoosh of relief over there.

Why can’t a closet be pretty? Instead of scary in a HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS THAT SMELL kind of way?

Why is my laundry room still lilac?

Why bother even having a dining room if we’ve never owned a dining room table in our lives? Who are we kidding?

How is it that I’m still sleeping in a bedroom whose color reminds me of suffocating under a seasick Cookie Monster? And not in a good way?

After the holidays, I want change in my house. In a strictly aesthetic sense.

This only lasts for a brief time, no more than a couple of weeks, not long enough to actually find, much less buy, any of the conduits of change that have run amuck in my imagination. Certainly not long enough to plow through a wall. Because before I can find my sledge hammer or rent a wrecking ball, my trusty old “What Are You? Delusional? Take A Xanax And Get Over Yourself Already” personality will find me and smack me upside the head and knock some sense into me.

I need to get Nate one of those. But only after he installs built-ins in the living room.



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19 thoughts on “Me, myself and my other 216 personalities”

  1. Avatar

    Lost starts January 21st. It’s like a triple-decker bonanza, with an hour long recap followed by a two-part season premiere. That’s three hours of hotness – erm, I mean great TV.

    No, I’m not obsessively counting down the minutes until Sawyer returns to me. You didn’t see a countdown clock on my blog, after all, did you? Of course you didn’t – I couldn’t get the damn widget to work right, and this was *not* something I was about to ask my hubby to help me set up…

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    So with Nate being “Mr. Let’s Do a Project”, does that mean that you’re going to get to actually do some of these things? Because I always get the same feelings, yet I’m married to “Mr. My Great Grandmother’s Couch That’s Ninty Years Old is Still Perfectly Functional”. BAH!

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    LMAO! I just asked my hubby if we could take the drywall of a wall in the kitchen and knock 1/2 of it down, to expose the brick, that was part of the orginal back porch. I do these things to him several times a year, so my delusions haunt me often. I just do some tatouage on my walls and get over myself.
    I am also counting down the days to Lost and JACK! YUMMY!

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    I swear, we are so much a like that you scare me. I think we’re twins separated at birth. Why the heck do you think I’m painting my kitchen and my bathroom vanity right now? Thank God my personality will change before I attempt any more projects!

    Oh, and BTW- if you ever decide to move to VA, please look me up. I think we would make very good BFF’s provided we didn’t kill each other with our craziness first!! ha!!!

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    This made me lol! I can relate. I just sat down after taking the ornaments off of the very dead tree. Depressing! But it will be so empty without it!!

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    I love it when you ramble, REALLY, I honestly do. It makes me feel normal (!)

    My reader was misbehaving, as in it actually believed me when I clicked “Mark All As Read” by accident, and it did not do the usual “Are you sure? Are you REALLY, REALLY sure?” so I have missed a post or two.

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    I feel the same way about my house, but not just in January So often I go tearing into a project, but if it involves stripping wallpaper, I lose my steam fast. We once had a bathroom with half-stripped wallpaper on the walls for 7 years before I finished peeling. Right now that describes our downstairs powder room. Sigh. We’ve lived here for 9 years now, and I still think this house looks like a time capsule from Marcia Brady’s childhood.

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    well thanks for that, now my laptop’s wearing the glass of wine I was trying to sip ever so civilised!!! My nose has a funny smell to it now …. I’m SO glad to hear I’m not alone with all the personalities!! lol!!! and Oh how I wish for a house to redecorate!!! We live in a rental house, and apart from adorning the walls, well, I can’t do much else … I dream of the smell of a freshly broken down wall … 🙂

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    Andrea, that was an amazing post. Every time I come here and read I think to myself, “This is her best post yet”. Once again, you haven’t failed me.

    This is great stuff, and I didn’t even see it coming. Simply great writing: “I put on my hard hat and packed a snack and ventured down into the abyss in search of the large, square, multi-colored box I bought at Target years ago. In it, wrapped up in plastic and soft blankets and nestled all comfortably together, are all of my extra personalities … the ones I switch out according to my moods, much like people switch out their comforters and pillows according to the seasons.”

    And I can totally relate to you and how you are feeling after de-hoing your house. It seems so dull and lifeless. Utterly more manageable, but more lifeless. It was because of this years ago that I started putting candles all over my house and burning them all winter long. I simply couldn’t stand to put them away.

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    BAWAHAHAHA!!!! I’m just biding my time. Waiting for the heathens to reach the “golden age” of moving out THEN and only THEN will I venture to change my house! I learned my lesson! All the hours of painting, ripping off then putting on wallpaper…for what? To have kid grease and boogies smeared on every surface!! Ah well…least I have some texture on my walls! LOL 😉

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    Once again, you keep me laughing!! I love how you ramble…I’m the same way! When I read your blog, it’s like I’m having an actual conversation with you!!!

    Love the dinnertime conversation!!!

  12. Avatar

    We’re still remodeling our house. It’s been a 3 year or so process. And I have multiple personalities depending on the kind of day I’m having so I can relate completely.

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    I love it! You have inspired me to discover all 293 personalities! I am sure we all have millions we could share with each other over blog-o-sphere! As long as we only have to read about the bad ones and not actually experience them right?;)

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