My parents’ TV is going Helen Keller all over me

I’m still down in North Carolina but only for another day or so. The weather is gorgeous, everyone I meet is outrageously nice and I basically want to pack up Nate, the kids and Oliver and run away from home and move down here. I love everything about this place except the traffic lights. I know that life down here runs at a slower pace but yesterday, I think I could have gestated a small human while waiting to make a left turn. Even with my shitty, enlarged uterus.

I meant that my shitty, enlarged uterus could have gestated a small human being period, not that I could have used it to make a left turn. My shitty, enlarged uterus has no sense of direction and wouldn’t know its left from its right. If it were allowed to navigate, I’d be typing this from the South Pole and crying because hello? WHERE THE HELL IS SANTA AND WHY HASN’T BE BROUGHT ME A GPS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE?

Just a few updates:

  • I’m happy to report that my father, who last week suffered a stroke and was *this* close to putting for birdie on that great big manicured green in the sky, is steadily improving. We hope it won’t be long before he’s back home, sitting in his recliner next to Mom and slowly turning deaf by watching TV at 180 decibels. Dancing with the Stars is so much better when the Paso Doblé breaks the sound barrier, isn’t it? I don’t watch that show myself so I couldn’t say. I’d ask my mom but I probably wouldn’t hear her response since my ears were blown off during Glee.
  • Nate informed me last night that they might have to resort to doing their first load of laundry. Operative word being “might.” Did I mention I’ve been away from home for eight days? This conversation fell under the category of STOP TALKING. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.
  • I tried to relieve some stress by running the other day. I soon discovered that all the roads in my parents’ neighborhood go up hill. Both ways. After one mile, I had to shimmy home on my stomach because my thighs and knees had exploded forty-two  times.

Once again, thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and positive energy during the last week or so. You guys made a huge difference for my family and I am so grateful.

I should be home later this week. If no one hears from me in a couple of days, please check the laundry room and send help.

And a gas mask.



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40 thoughts on “My parents’ TV is going Helen Keller all over me”

  1. Avatar

    If you need a post-return “Holy heck I can’t even deal with the laundry” type lunch break at Panera, you know where to find me.

    I’m so, so, so glad your dad is improving. *happy dance* I’m just a little disappointed I couldn’t use the Power of the Granny Panties to help you out in your time of need. Humph.

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    Andy, I’m so glad your dad is getting better! That’s wonderful news.

    What is it with old people and jacked up TVs? The picture on my grandparents’ TV waves and flickers something awful. And it is so out-of-focus that it looks like you’re seeing double (that, or the people on the screen have odd energy shadows following them around – it goes back and forth). I can’t watch it for more than a minute or two without getting a crazy headache, but they seem to think it works just fine.

    I hope everything continues to improve, and you can be home soon.

  3. Avatar

    I am SO glad to hear your dad is doing better.

    I live in Georgia. We’re not as nice as North Carolinians, but close. There are many companies in Atlanta where Nate could get hired. Tell him to check for jobs in his field.

    Here are the words that will resonate: If you move down here, you will NEVER HAVE TO SHOVEL SNOW AGAIN, EVER. We get one or two days a year where we have a few snow flurries. That’s it. If you want a winter wonderland, though, you can get in the car and head to the mountains, an hour away, during the few days in winter when it snows. The roads will be deserted, because if anyone sees a snowflake in the air here they immediately go home and turn on the local news for the “Storm Tracker” coverage regarding the flurry. Sometimes they cancel school when it’s perfectly clear and dry, but there’s a rumor that someone saw a snowflake in Alabama. I am not kidding.


    1. Avatar

      Oh, believe me, Dee … the mere thought of never having to hitch a ride on a Zamboni to get to the grocery story in January is more than appealing.

    2. Avatar

      she’s TOTALLY not kidding. Last year they cancelled school here in southeastern TN because it “might be gonna rain”!! Never rained. Sunny 55 degree day. Further enticement? I don’t even own a snow jacket, I wear a cloth coat all winter, and most days just a denim jacket with a scarf! Think how much you’ll save on boots and jackets and hats and gloves!

  4. Avatar

    I had to really think for a minute to process the word “zamboni” – sounds like an Italian dessert. LOL

    My adorable son, adopted from Kazakhstan, bitterly resents the inability to play in snow here. Perhaps we can work out a deal. I will send him up there to stay with you for a week when it’s cold and snowy, and you send me your teenager for a week in the summer. She can walk to the pool every day where all the kids hang out and have a great time.

    What’s the nearest major airport to you?!?


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    Glad your dad is improving.

    My folks listen to the TV at ear splitting decibels, so does my brother & his family. So when we are all in a room & some people are trying to talk & some people are watching TV it’s like a contest to see who can be loudest. They turn up the tv, so the talkers talk louder, so the tv then gets turned up, so they talk louder and I am hiding in a far corner behind my laptop screen Googling ‘ear protectors with overnight shipping’ because it never occurs to the talkers to go to another room. Why? Because they are actually watching the tv too.

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    I am soooooooooo glad to hear a glimmer of good news! I hope your Dad continues to improve and stays improved.

    I lived in NC for 12 years. While the concept of not shoveling snow is nice, the concept of 100+ summers is really unbearable. Because summer starts in February, and ends in January. The rest of the time it’s icy.

    I suggest a giant pair of tongs for the laundry. You can use them to pick up the rest of your family and lock them in the laundry room. =)

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    Oh Andy!! Thank GOODNESS he’s doing soo well!! YAY! NC sounds a lot like KY..the whole uphill both ways bit? as well as the slower pace..ahhh…I can’t even talk fast enough to keep up with NY or so I’ve beed told 😉 LOL!! Please shoot me a e-mail when you get home–we’ll try turning on Messenger 😀

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    Eek! 8 days without doing laundry?! I’d die!!! So glad your dad’s doing better. My inlaws listen to the tv at horrible loud levels. I hated it when we lived there and the kids would be sleeping and they’d blast our eardrums out.

  9. Avatar

    So glad your dad is on the mend… give him a hug for me, plus take one for yourself as well – you sure do deserve one.
    I wish I could help you with the laundry, but I have enough to keep up on my own with the 6 dogs and my hubby! TeeHee
    Have a safe trip home. 🙂

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    Glad to hear your dad’s doing much better! Maybe you’ll get home with your hearing in tact and with any luck, the guys will have someone clean the house before you get home (cause we all know guys don’t clean…at least none I’ve ever known. lol)! ;D

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  12. Avatar

    Oh man , I already deal with my tv being so loud. I don’t know what I will do in 10 years ! Might have to get myself some ear plugs so that the sound will be at a normal level for me.

    Glad to hear that your dad is doing so much better.

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    Sooooo glad to hear he’s doing better and will soon return to his Helen Keller ways . . .by the way, it took me till the END OF THIS POST to understand what you post title had to do with the actual post.

    I think I need more caffeine.

    Or a massage.

    Or chocolate.

    Actually, all three sound pretty good.

  14. Avatar

    So glad to hear Dad is doing better, maybe you should tell him he had a noise-induced stroke and will have to turn down the TV or risk another!
    On the other hand, my mom is so deaf, she insists on having the closed captioning on (which we could deal with) but then she mutes the sound during the commercials – and naturally doesn’t remember to turn it back on for the rest of us when the show’s back on. But at least I’m not deaf (yet)!

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