My thighs have issues

I used to have awesome thighs that tanned copper bronze and maintained a respectable distance of at least two inches apart from each other.

But throughout the past fifteen years or so, especially since the birth of my first child, my thighs have undergone a metamorphasis.

Nowadays, I have to look rather closely to confirm that one has not, in fact, eaten the other.

And currently, they are both pasty white and allergic to air.

Never was I more acutely aware of this predicament than when I took them out for a walk on Memorial Day and let them see daylight for the first time since last fall. I went early in the morning to lessen the chances of scaring the entire neighborhood. My eight year old daughter, Helena, came with me because my cell phone was dead and I needed a means of communication in the event I was tackled, knocked unconscious and dragged back to the zoo to be fed squid and fish because that’s what they feed beluga whales in captivity.

Squid totally skeeve me out and seafood makes me hurl. Hence, the presence of Helena and her uncanny ability to emit a piercing 180 decibel shriek that could wake up the dead and, with any luck, Nate, in the event anyone came close to me with a tranquilizer gun.

My thighs don’t know how to act when outside the confines of jeans and yoga pants and scary electric blue sweat pants from the eighties that I can’t seem to throw away. They experience wicked withdrawal symptoms, complete with the DT’s, especially if they go cold turkey. So, if you were near Plank Road at 8:00 a.m., on Memorial Day morning and witnessed a little girl trying in vain to schlep a female beluga up the sidewalk, stopping periodically so that it could howl GET IT OFF ME! ITCHY! ITCHY! OHHHHHHHHH MY HOLY HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, FRESH AIR IS THE WORK OF SATAN while flapping its flippers about hysterically, rest assured. You were not hallucinating.

My thighs are especially sensitive to any air with sunlight in it. They tend to get their panties in a big, fat, sunburned twist when confronted with the stuff.

Case in point:


This was after being slathered in 45+ SPF and exposed to the elements at a Redwings baseball game for less than an hour that same afternoon.

It’s like a faceless Humpty Dumpty nightmare, isn’t it?

If I owned twenty different pairs of shorts, I’d have simply ripped the hem out of this pair, yanked them down as far as my ass would allow and protected my thighs while looking semi-normal instead of full-on stupid.


But I only have one pair of shorts that fit me right now so, full-on stupid it was.

Who said beluga whales aren’t resourceful?

OK. Enough of my thighs. I’m tired of them. They suck the will to live right out of me.

You know, you’re so lucky. You can just walk away from them. I try, but they just follow me.


Here’s my little peanut, Helena, sitting between her cousins.

Gosh, I just love the stuffing out of that kid.

The three of them are such a bunch of cutie-patooties. See how happy they are? That’s because they haven’t hit puberty yet, much less perimenopause, and their thighs aren’t cannibalizing each other.

They have no idea that it’s only a matter of time before the hormones kick in and flood their bloodstream, causing their bodies to start wigging out all over the place. Little do they know that a mere forty years later, it’s going to happen all over again but this time, their hormones will run screaming for the hills and their thighs will rub together hard enough to start forest fires before they fuse into one ginormous lump of flesh and before they know it, they’re sitting in a stadium with napkins shoved up their shorts, wondering who the genius was who invented baseball anyway and why the hell does it have to be played in the sun and what’s a beluga got to do to get some popcorn around here?

Ignorance is bliss, girls.


No, Helena, your thighs are not sunburned. You inherited your father’s skin which tans in total darkness.

But hey, you inherited my eyesight!

Don’t say I never gave you anything.


This is one of the main reasons I will sit through a game with napkins up my shorts.

My thighs LOVE this stuff.


This photo has absolutely nothing to do with my thighs. I just happen to like it.

That’s Nate’s knee in the corner there. It’s hairy.

I don’t have hairy knees, thanks to Gillette Venus razors and estrogen.


I didn’t think this shot had anything to do with my thighs either. That is, until I realized that it reminded me of that scene in Bull Durham where the coach jogs up to the players having a conference on the pitcher’s mound, wondering what the heck the holdup is, and Crash Davis says:

Well, Nuke’s scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man’s here. We need a live … is it a live rooster? (Jose nods). We need a live rooster to take the curse off of Jose’s glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmie for their wedding present. Is that about right? (players nod).

We’re dealing with a lot of shit.

So am I. Two thick sunburned slabs of it, covered with paper napkins.

This photo could sum up my thighs in the perimenopausal season of their lives.



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27 thoughts on “My thighs have issues”

  1. Avatar

    Um, psssssst…… I think you just posted a photograph of your thighs, in shorts, on your blog.

    You are either the bravest woman I know (as, you know, I don’t know any supermodels or starlets, who obviously would have no issues posting pics of their thighs as they don’t have any thighs) or totally batshit crazy.

    I’ll leave an air of mystery around which one I think is more correct, mmmkay?

    *backing away slowly*


    Now, my Thigh (it used to be two but it hasn’t been more than a giant mass supporting my expansive rear and hips in at least a decade) (and it deserves a capital T because it is a proper noun, methinks) is demanding that I feed it Cheesy Eddie’s carrot cake for breakfast. You don’t want to anger my Thigh….

  2. Avatar

    I am with you on the thighs , but I have never been able to tan and people put sun blinders on because I am so white! we laugh because I have a pic when hubby and I were dating and all you can see on the beach is sand, shorts , bikini top, and hair. The rest of me blended in with the sand lol!

  3. Avatar

    First you showed your feet, then you showed your ear and neck. This week you’re showing your thighs. If this keeps going, your site may become one of those NSFW places 🙂

  4. Avatar

    ^^ lol at what she said! 🙂 my thighs get burned like that – maybe i need to lose some weight and actually expose them to the sun in a suit rather than on occasion with shorts! 🙂 love your header.

  5. Avatar

    omg. snorting and laughing hysterically. you are quite resourceful tho and i hear ya about the whole menopause crap. and we can totally dispense w/the whole belly fat thing too.

  6. Avatar

    ROFL you have such a humorous way with words and everyday life. Thanks for making me giggle and outright guffaw!

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    Ah, yes…. the innocence of pre-pubescent girls. No doubt they’re convinced they will have two thighs that never touch for the rest of their lives. Suckers.

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    Oh my goodness . . . this is fantastic. Please, please keep ’em coming. You are truly HYSTERICAL. Thanks for the great laugh this morning 🙂

  9. Avatar

    LOL! How many keyboards do you owe me now?? 3? 4? I lost count! I can and do totally relate! LOL!! I’ve NEVER liked my thighs, and now I very much dislike my Thigh. sigh.. LOL! yep it rhymes! Kudos to you for showing your body parts to potentially millions of people!! WOOT!! As for me? Well…I’ll stick to my line-art b/w drawing of myself hidden by my kids 😉

  10. Avatar

    First of all, a woman quoting “Bull Durham” completely and utterly rocks. Secondly, I love the faceless Humpty Dumpty visual.

    Engaging writing, and very funny. Thanks!


  11. Avatar

    I’m so glad to hear that you were able to experience thin thighs in your lifetime. Me? Never.

    And how you tied Bull Durham and your thighs together in one post – simply amazing.

  12. Avatar

    Love the picture of the girls and the other pics too. I felt like I was right with you at the game. I would have had to go to the bathroom so I would pee my pants while laughing. It’s a pregancy thing.

  13. Avatar

    I do not tan anywhere. Especially my legs. Which I prefer not to expose to sunlight ever. People would be blinded. And I have a policy against wearing shorts because my ass will eat them up if I walk to fast and that just ain’t pretty!

  14. Avatar

    *giggles* Oh Andy… =) Did nobody have a jacket you could put over your poor thighs???

    And uh, I want to poll your neighborhood about you and your antics. There must never be a dull moment… and a lot of scorched paint around there!

  15. Avatar

    Thanks for posting photos of your thighs. Mine are exactly the same. My problem is that I live in Florida so I’m always blinding people. I’ve decided to treat myself to a spray on tan for my daughter’s wedding so the photographer will be able to take photos of the rest of the wedding after taking one of me.

  16. Avatar

    I really empathise with your suntanning experience. My cousin has the same problem and the dermatologist said it is due to sensitive skin.

    It is good not to take ourselves too seriously. I didn’t know you can come up with such creative prose on the topic of thighs alone. When you came to the realization that your thighs are not the same as the past and then writing about it in an amusing manner is cool.

    Keep up the good work!

  17. Avatar

    Hi, visiting from BPOTW! 🙂 My thighs feel for your thighs. They understand their pain and would make cameos on my blog to say hi but are too scared to come out from under the napkins. :p

  18. Avatar

    I enjoyed reading your blog and found myself laughing. You have the confidence that a girl must have. You are not alone having big thighs, you should count me in! Confidence is such a big help to express our self. Accepting things that turn this way. But a workout and a healthy diet will do.

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