Persons A and B set out at the same time, headed for X. If A travels at twice the speed of B, where will B bury A’s scrotum?

Who’s up for a little reading comprehension quiz? Yay! Here we go:

Read the following paragraph and then answer the questions below. You may assume, infer, guess or otherwise speculate to your heart’s content from the information given:

One day, Nate, Andy and their two kids hopped in their Durango and drove 300+ miles from their home in upstate New York to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where they visited IKEA and gave their MasterCard a workout the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the last time Nate hopped online without supervision. After spending approximately OH MY GOD, HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO STAY HERE, MOM hours at IKEA, Nate and Andy discovered that the Durango was ill equipped to haul their loot back home because of the amount of space taken up by the human cargo who were already comfortably ensconced in the back seat and fighting over the arm rest. Discussion ensued and eventually, Nate and Andy decided that it would be the ethical, moral and fiscally responsible thing to do to rent a Dodge Caravan to schlepp their IKEA loot back home. It was decided that Nate would drive the Caravan while Andy and the girls would follow in the Durango. It was agreed that for the sake of everyone’s mental health, Nate would drive the speed limit for once, avoid the passing lane for once and keep Andy in his rear-view mirror at all times because (1)  Andy is high strung;  (2) Andy was on the second day of her period; and (3) Andy is high strung. They left the Friday’s restaurant in Pittsburgh at approximately 8:00 pm at night. They arrived home a little before midnight. Andy did not speak to Nate for two days.

.

What happens when Nate hops online without supervision that enables the MasterCard to take on challenges such as IKEA without a defibrillator?

1. Christmas, 2006, Nate pays $40 for two Chia pets and opts for overnight shipping for another $40, thereby spending $80 for two Chia pets which arrive one week after Christmas. All because it was easier than driving down the street to Walgreens.
2. Christmas, 2007, Nate pays $highwayrobbery for three Wii systems off of eBay just in case, because it was easier than driving down the road to WalMart.
   
3. Christmas, 2009, Nate pays $youdon’tevenwanttoknow for a tiny piece of mistletoe because it was easier than driving down the street to Lowes.
4. All of the above.

Why was the decision to rent a Dodge Caravan deemed to be the ethical, moral and fiscally responsible thing to do?

1. Because tying the girls to the top of the Durango to make room for everything else satisfied only one out of three.
2. Because forcing the girls to run after the Durango on I-79 satisfied only one out of three.
3. Because Helena couldn’t fit into the Durango’s glove compartment.
4. All of the above.

Why didn’t Nate and Andy just ship the IKEA stuff home?

1. Because shipping was going to cost HOLY FREAKING HELL, YOU’VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.
2. All of the above.

If there were 300 miles between the Pittsburgh Friday’s restaurant and their upstate New York home and they covered that distance in just under four hours, how fast was Nate driving?

1. What the goddamn hell? Where the hell is he?
2. Where’d he go? Is that him? Zoe, can you see him? Is that him?
3. It’s not? OH MY GOD, WHERE IS HE??
4. All of the above.

Why didn’t Andy speak to Nate for two days?

1. GODDAMN IT, I TOLD HIM TO GO SLOW!
2. What the freaking hell? Where’d he go? DOES HE HAVE TO PASS EVERY GODDAMN CAR ON THE ROAD?
3. Great. GREAT. I have no idea where I am. NO FREAKING CLUE.
4. Call him up right now, Zoe. RIGHT NOW.
5. Nate? NATE?
6. Where are you?
7. What do you mean, you’re right in front of me? WHERE?
8. Zoe, is that him?
9. THAT’S A TRUCK, NATE. THAT’S NOT YOU. NO, IT IS NOT.
10. Zoe, tell him that’s not him.
11. BECAUSE I’M NOT AN IDIOT, THAT’S HOW I KNOW.
12. I’m not yelling at you, Zoe. I’m yelling at Nate.
13. I DON’T CARE THAT I’M YELLING.
14. Zoe, make sure you tell him that I don’t care that I’m yelling.
15. Did he hear you?
16. You’re supposed to keep me in sight at all times, Nate. ALL TIMES. Zoe, tell him he’s supposed to keep me in sight at all times.
17. Where am I now?
18. NOT IN YOUR SIGHT, THAT’S WHERE.
19. HELLO? HAVE WE MET? I DON’T LIKE PASSING EIGHTEEN WHEELERS WHEN THERE ARE FIFTY OF THEM.
20. I will not drive 90 miles an hour, Nate.
21. What did he say, Zoe?
22. YOU ARE TOO DRIVING 90.
23. YES, YOU ARE!
24. Zoe, what does my speedometer say?
25. Yep, 90. Ninety. THAT’S A BIG NINE-OH, NATE.
26. For shit’s sake, where are you?
27. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE HELL YOU ARE.
28. It’s OK, Helena. It’s OK. Mommy’s just excited. We’re fine. Daddy’s fine. No, he’s not lost, pumpkin. He’s just playing a silly game.
29. Zoe, comfort your sister.
30. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, NATE? YOUR YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IS HYSTERICAL BECAUSE WE LOST DADDY.
31. All of the above.
32. Times ten.

.
.