Pumpkins and golf balls and toilets … oh my

We’re still in the throes of remodeling the master bathroom, pictures to be coming soon.

How long does a throe last? I’m thinking an eternity, give or take a millennium or two?

Nate called me in to look at the first coat of paint. It was a color we had both agreed upon after hours and hours of intense negotiations and trips to Lowes and reviews of paint samples and more trips to Lowes and the insistent stamping of size 6 feet.

Nate wears size tens, in case you were wondering who had the emotional wherewithal of a five year old during this ordeal.

By the way, is there a law that requires paint samples to be smaller than a fully dilated cervix, which in my case is six OH MY GOD, GET SOMEONE IN HERE WHO DOESN’T HAVE SAUSAGES FOR FINGERS centimeters? What is the sense in that? Is it to save money? Because having samples so damn small and forcing certain anal-retentive, semi obsessive-compulsive people to grab 156 little squares of each color so that they can run home, ransack their house for scotch tape, eat a donut, go potty and then tape all the samples together on the wall to get a reasonable idea as to the color? That doesn’t exactly strike me as economical.

Then again, either does repeatedly throwing eleventy gazillion dollars at money hoarding scum so they can fly their private jets to Vegas and party so, what do I know?

Anyway, the first coat of paint in the master bath concerned me in a HOLY SHIT, THIS IS ALL SORTS OF WRONG kind of way and other than standing in front of Nate and vomiting on his socks, I wasn’t sure how to convey my intense dislike, as the paint did not even remotely resemble the Citrine Granite color we had chosen and instead, looked suspiciously like someone had run over a rotted, moldy pumpkin and smeared its corpse all over our walls. But any thoughts I had of mentioning that maybe we ought to rethink the paint were dragged out my head, beaten to a bloody pulp and buried in the back yard forever when Nate stiffened his entire body and loudly declared I WILL LEARN TO LOVE IT. Couple that with his defiant, slightly unhinged, two minute blinkless stare and Pumpkin Guts Road Kill it was.

The paint we used is Valspar Granite which requires a two step application process with the first being a straight forward application with a roller and the second a series of criss-cross movements done with a hard bristled brush.

It is this second application that is so very labor intensive which is a nice way of saying that it sucks ass and causes an otherwise calm and rational husband to have a psychotic break and loudly declare to his skeptical wife something along the lines of YOU’LL LEARN TO LOVE IT and thereby risk losing a testicle.

The second coat turned out to be quite awesome. Good thing because otherwise, there’s a very good possibility I’d be in my back yard right this minute, typing with one hand and using the other to dig up bloody, pulpy thoughts and fling them in the general direction of Nate’s remaining family jewel.

I adore the texture of granite paint which is more or less like sandpaper. I have only to rub my back up and down the wall once to be eternally grateful that we chose this paint because it means I no longer have to chase Nate or the kids around the house, begging one of them to please, please, please scratch the itch on my back … right there, nope, down a little … to the right, up a little … that’s it! NOW KEEP SCRATCHING UNTIL I DIE.

And lest you think that I’m some kind of shrew without an ounce of compassion for the effort Nate exerted to paint the bathroom, rest assured … I know exactly what he went through because I painted a faux finish in our downstairs powder room using this same two step process. It was ten hours of sheer hell and other than a vague recollection of crying under the sink and begging someone to hit me over the head with a Toyota and put me out of my misery, I don’t remember too much of it. My right arm being permanently two inches longer than my left is, however, a friendly reminder that I have no business being creative in small spaces that house toilets.

Speaking of toilets, we bought one for the bathroom this past weekend, much to Zoe’s utter and complete humiliation. We dragged her with us under the premise that yes, we were going out to eat but we just had to make one little pit stop beforehand. When that little pit stop turned out to be the toilet aisle at Home Depot, it was all she could do not to run to the jackhammer aisle and start excavating her way to China.

As Nate and I discussed clog-free systems, solid waste removal and power flushing, I called down the aisle to Nate, asking about the likelihood of actually having to flush two dozen golf balls at one time. During this exchange, Zoe did everything in her power to assume the roll of an orphan.

Nate and I got into a discussion about 15″ vs. 17″ height and when I loudly proclaimed that I am short and feel no need to vault onto my own toilet, Zoe shimmied her way inside a roll of carpet and played dead.

We got into a heated debate over round seats vs. elongated seats. I simply do not understand the mentality of spending an extra $100 on an elongated seat so that your fanny doesn’t feel crowded. In a moment of frustration, I may have shouted A FANNY IS A FANNY IS A FANNY AND YOUR FANNY ISN’T ANY BETTER THAN MY FANNY but I’m not sure. Zoe doesn’t remember because she was too busy sending an emergency text application to the nearest adoption agency at the time.

Much to my chagrin, we walked out of there toting a high efficiency toilet with the capacity to flush 29 golf balls at once. Complete with an elongated seat. That I will have to launch my body onto with a running start.

Much to Zoe’s chagrin, it was an extremely high price to pay for some chicken alfredo.


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26 thoughts on “Pumpkins and golf balls and toilets … oh my”

  1. Avatar

    Okay, first of all, as one who killed her 17th gallon of paint in two weeks around 1:00 this morning, I feel your pain. As one who had a major freakout (in my case, about a color called “Hydrangea Frost” not Pumpkin Guts) about the color we were painting a bathroom, I feel your pain.

    Also, my parents (both tall people) put new toilets in all four of their bathrooms two years ago. Fancy-shmancy, tall, long toilets. Grandchildren (admittedly, all under the age of 6) have been known to FALL IN with alarming regularity now. Just saying.

    Enjoy the newly done bathroom!!

  2. Avatar

    So, I guess you’re not up for coming over and helping faux finish my bathroom?

    I love your blog! You write the way I think, except I’m too wussy to let it come out!

  3. Avatar

    ROFL! Sounds like something my mom DID do to me, and something I WILL do to my children (and, though my daughter is only 2 right now, I see her being a lot like yours later on…lol)!

  4. Avatar

    I too have navigated the paint chip aisles, selecting what was to be a beautiful, neutral cafe au lait color, only to get it home and discover that on a wall, the cafe au lait color morphed into murdered pumpkin.

    I sense a conspiracy afoot.

    Or maybe I’m paint paranoid.

    29 golf balls? That actually could come in handy around here as certain toddlers are intent on using potties as baptisteries for a variety of household objects…


  5. Avatar

    My kids HATE going to the store. They are only 5 and 7. I don’t remember making such a big deal out of going shopping with mom when I was a kid. My Dad would embarrass us by yelling, “mom, mom!” from the next aisle. Good times.

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    Oh man, this is bringing flashbacks! But for us, it’s the basement remodel. I’m “learning to love” the No. 2 pencil yellow in my craft room (the horror!), and we went with the taller, elongated seat in the bathroom. For us, it’s worth it. And I’d rather pay more for a powerful flush than plunging a toilet anyday!

  7. Avatar

    Last year we finally got all of the vomit-colored wallpaper out of our master bathroom that we’d lived with for about 7 years since buying the house, patched the walls, and went to choose a paint color. It’s a very small master bath, with no natural light in it. We ended up choosing what seemed like an awesome golden color, which I wanted to do in Venetian Plaster. We applied it to one wall and were absolutely dumbstruck to realize it looked like we were smearing our walls with baby poop. Smoothed it out. Went back to Lowes for a much nicer yellow-gold. No Venetian Plaster in the end–just plain paint. So much better!

  8. Avatar

    Oh gosh, I don’t know what to say. I’m glad you all survived this ordeal. If it helps – I learned to live with the neon green that was supposed to be a nice rustic moss in my living room.

  9. Avatar

    I can’t wait to see photos!

    Embarrassing my kids in public is my new favorite hobby. It’s low cost and fun and it doesn’t involve illegal substances – at least not for me. My dad used to get drunk and dance around parking lots, to my utter horror, but I’ll save the long version of that story for the therapist…

  10. Avatar

    I’m a few days away from having 3 kids and my mother *still* does this stuff to me, except now I think it’s funny. 😛

    Good luck with the remodel, as far as I can tell each room will take about 1/2 a billion years to finish. [found you through SITS]

  11. Avatar

    I once chose paint that when it went on the wall looked like baby poop. No joke. It was horrible and even my husband insisted we paint over it. I did a three step process with paint once– it turned out great, but scarred me for life. I’m not sure I can do that again. I assume you WILL be showing us pictures? Come on, I NEED to see this paint now!

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    LOL!! We did the same thing toilet wise! rotflol!! Too bad for me at the time non of my kids were too embarrassed! James might have been a little but–well anyway I decided to SIT on the display toilets! After all how else can you get a better feel for them? 😀

  13. Avatar

    Oh how I feel your paint pain. I painted the kitchen we are in now in what I thought was a lovely shade of wedgewood blue. Doesn’t that just sound so fancy and posh? It turned out to be smurfette blue. My kids now refer to ME as smurfette. Alas, it is better than the old wallboard with tea pots and roosters!

  14. Avatar

    Well look, you can’t go wrong with beige I always say. Mind you, there are about a thousand shades of beige. Warm beige, cool beige, grey beige, yellow beige, etc. House painting…’s fraught with danger!

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    Oh this cracked me up in ways I can not describe. I have tears streaming down my face and was laughing so hard I wasn’t making noise.

    I HAD to publish it on my facebook to share with others.

    I literally have to take a running jump to get on our bed every night because I’m like uhm, 5’3 if I’m lucky. Try doing that drunk, not cool man.

    xo, Nerdy

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    I love reading your stuff – makes me smile every time. 🙂 Good luck with the toilet. I hope it doesn’t vacuum your ass to the seat if you flush while sitting down.

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