That’s me, bitch-slapping 2011 to the curb where, if there is a God, it will be run over by an endless herd of confused, pissed-off, incontinent, irritable bowel suffering buffalo with elongated, oozing testicles and no sense of direction.

These were, above and beyond, the absolute worst 365 continuous days I have ever had to endure and I’ve never been so ready to slap a new calendar on my fridge in all my life and not just because it will hide those mysterious streaks that won’t go away no matter how many times I scrub them raw with a Windex/vinegar/DAMMIT DAMMIT SHIT BALLS DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL concoction.

Let’s hear it for a brand new shiny year filled with skyrocketing 401Ks, plummeting gas prices, awesome shoes, ULTA coupons that never expire, Anderson Cooper cell phone numbers in my Inbox and a new, easy FDA-approved method of getting rid of unwanted facial hair and husbands who spend $areyoufuckingkiddingme  because they can’t keep their pants zipped.

Let’s hear it for fresh starts, new beginnings and a whole mess of magnificent happy!

Let’s hear it for a better run for all of us in 2012 and isn’t it nice that we’ll get 366 days to celebrate it instead of 365? I’m going to yell YOU BET YOUR SKINNIER, FIRMER, LESS CELLULITE-FUL ASS on that one because I’m an optimist.

Happy new year, everyone! May we find ourselves actually living these days instead of simply surviving them.




Share this post

37 thoughts on “****S*M*A*C*K****”

  1. Avatar

    Amen, and just in case, I’m invoking every Irish superstition I can come up with for a better year in 2012. I don’t care how crazy people think I am.

  2. Avatar

    Here Here Andy! And on another note, have you gone on Pinterest (i.e. Crackville) to see if you can find a solution to the refrigerator issue? Just a thought.

  3. Avatar

    Oh and speaking of Pinterest, DON’T look up Nutella on there. Unless you want to gain 900 pounds and be eligible for The Biggest Loser, Season 14: Bloggers Gone Bad.

  4. Avatar

    Great post Andy. 2011 wasn’t my best year either, although it pales in comparison to yours. But dammit, I am going to take away some valuable lessons from it and make 2012 that much better! I love your posts and I am glad the old Andy is back. Happy New Year!

  5. Avatar

    Amen, Sister! You deserve an awesome 2012! I can’t really beat your horrible year, but 2011 sucked for me big-time, too – my mother nearly died in my arms, my daughter left home to live with a drug dealer and I STILL can’t find a full-time job. Almost anything short of those disasters in 2012 will be an improvement.
    Hang in there! It’s almost over…

  6. Avatar

    I’ve been looking forward to a GOOD #f**kinggetmeintoanotherlife since approximately 2009!! THIS will be the year or I give up! Here’s to a new and better 2nd half of our lives!
    Luv ya kiddo!

  7. Avatar

    Absolutely !!! I can’t wait to start the next year and hopefully a calmer and positive one.
    As for you, you are doing fabulously !!!

  8. Avatar

    Why does this post have me humming .. “Let’s hear it for the…” from Footloose?! Just me? LOL I hope 2012 is a MUCH better year for you (and the rest of us). 2011 can take a hike!

  9. Avatar

    The old Andy is back (and I mean that it the nicest possible way). I have no doubt the coming year will be fantastic and brilliant for you and your girls and Oliver.

  10. Avatar


    May 2012 give you peace and lots of great things! I know 2011 sucked but you deserve
    much happiness and greatness in the new. You are an awesome person and can’t wait to
    read about your awesomeness in 2012! Thanks for writing!

  11. Avatar

    You also need Anderson Cooper to be slapped by the Straight Faerie. LOL

    And we all need for that pesky 2012 prediction to not be true, because if it is? Why the fuck is anyone setting resolutions to lose weight be better, etc.? I say LIVE LIFE and don’t give a damn. Just have fun. But that’s only if that prediction isn’t true. LOL

  12. Avatar

    I will agree with you here, 2011 was the worse year I have ever had and I didnt think anything could be worst than 2010.

    I hope you have a good new year and I get out of my hole too!

    All the best

  13. Avatar

    I am definitly with you there, 2011 was the most horrible year, nothing went right and it left me a mess financially. I am hoping for a big pickup in 2012, all the best to you!

  14. Avatar

    All my best wishes are with you. Hard to left those memories behind but life is moving forward. This year, 2012 will be more excitement and lots of good things that will happen. Happy New Year.

  15. Avatar

    Andy, so so good to see you back! I always enjoyed reading your blog and laughing my ass off! 2011 was a sucky terrible $omigodareyoufuckingkiddingme kind of year and I second your post that thankfully the terrible thing is over. Looking forward to a way better (it can’t get worse right?) 2012 and laughing with you again! Take care of you and your girls – oh and Oliver too! 🙂

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *