The ones who done birthed me …

These are my parents, with whom we spent a very enjoyable holiday over Thanksgiving week. Hi guys! (((waving furiously))) I miss you already.

My mom’s the one wearing sunglasses. You know that phenomena where you begin to look like your spouse after eons of marriage? I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart when we first got down there but as luck would have it, Mom has continued to shrink at an alarming rate so it wasn’t an issue after all. However, I am little concerned that we’re going to either step on her or lose her under the couch one day.

As a side note, I think it’s painfully obvious why I had rhinoplasty at an early age.

Dad is going to be eighty this year. Mom is going to be seventy-eight and apparently, this came as quite a shock to her as she had been telling everyone that she is turning seventy-seven before Dad set her straight. And he lived to tell about it.

My parents are deaf. And I don’t mean clinically or legally or anything like that. I mean deaf in a NO, THAT’S NOT AN F-16 TAKING OFF IN THE LIVING ROOM, MY PARENTS ARE JUST WATCHING TV kind of way. This is good news for Nate who enjoys watching TV at 635 decibels and bad news for me because I’ve never been any good at charades so when I mime the act of ripping the ears off my head in protest and bleeding out, my mother shouts down to my lifeless body that there’s ice cream in the freezer if I’m hungry.

One of these days, I will no longer be able to withstand the ear shattering level of volume emitting from the TV and I’m going to go all Vincent van Gogh on myself, I swear to G-O-D. So, you guys? Don’t come running to me, asking how the remote being run over in the driveway fifteen times constitutes an accident, as I won’t hear you because my bloody ears are hanging out somewhere in the back yard.

My mom and dad have been married almost 47 years and they’re still speaking to each other. How about that? Nate and I have been married a little over nine years and I’m currently trying to remember if I’m on speaking terms with him today. I think I am. I’ll ask him when he gets home.

Being able to communicate after 47 years of marriage is huge. HUGE! I’m very proud of them and I say that in all seriousness. Granted, their form of communication is a bit odd, but hey, it’s worked for them for almost half a century, so who am I to question it?

DAD: Andy and Nate, did we tell you about the restaurant we ate at last week?

MOM: Oh yes! Andy? Nate, my dear? Did we tell you about the restaurant we ate at last week? (eyebrows raised, eyes closed in preparation, takes a deep breath)

DAD: So, last week …

MOM: We ate at this restaurant last week.

DAD: It was over in Fayetteville …

MOM: No, it wasn’t. It was in Aberdeen.

DAD: No, Dee. It was Fayetteville.


DAD: Don’t tell me it was in Aberdeen! I drove there, didn’t I?

MOM: And who was that sitting next to you? Are you calling me crazy?

DAD: IT WAS FAYETTEVILLE. Right after my doctor appointment. We got lost. REMEMBER, DEE?

MOM: Oh! Yes. That’s right. I was thinking of something else. Nevermind. My mistake. So we go to this restaurant in Fayetteville.

DAD: We went to this restaurant …

MOM: We went to the restaurant …

DAD: We order our food …

MOM: We ordered our food.

DAD: And when it comes out …

MOM: Andy, it came out and UGH (shaking head back and forth, left speechless, hand over heart)

DAD: It was …

MOM: It was terrible. TERRIBLE. Andy, I’m telling you, IT WAS TERRIBLE. Nathan, it was just horrendous. HORRENDOUS.

DAD: Alright, Dee! I was going to say, it was terrible. The sauce was watery and pink …

MOM: The sauce was watery and pink.

DAD: That’s what I just said, Dee! Do you want me to tell the story or not? For crying out loud.

MOM: SIMPLY INEDIBLE, I TELL YOU. Nate, it was terrible. Andy, did I mention it was terrible? As God is my witness, I’ve never had such horrid food (appears as if ready to collapse at any given moment)

DAD: (*sigh*) Are you finished? I couldn’t eat it.

MOM: I thought I was going to be ill (shaking head, puts hand to forehead, other hand remains on heart, for emphasis.) Really, Andy. I did. Nate, I thought I was going to be ill. PHYSICALLY ILL.

DAD: Dee, they get it.

MOM: Physically ill.

DAD: Where was I? OK, so we sent the food back to the kitchen …

MOM: We sent it back to the kitchen.

DAD: And when it comes back …

MOM: It came back.

DAD: I looked at it and I says, I says …

MOM: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? That’s what we said.

DAD: I says “What the hell is this?” because it came back worse.

MOM: (*gasp*) It came back worse. IT CAME BACK WORSE. If you can believe that. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? Nathan, can you believe that? Andy?

DAD: Dee …

MOM: It came back worse.

DAD: For God’s sake, Dee. Can I tell the story or not?

MOM: What? What am I doing?

DAD: Where was I?

MOM: You don’t know how to tell it. I’ll tell it. So, our food comes back …

(Five minutes or ten years later)

MOM: It was absolutely inedible. I was physically ill. TO MY STOMACH. Can you believe that? Wasn’t I, Peter? Peter?

DAD: zzzzzzzzz … zzzzzzzzzz


DAD: Wha?

MOM: He always does this. Jes-us Chr-rrrr-ist.

DAD: What’d I do? (looks at us blearily) … What time is it? Did I take my pills? What’d I do?

MOM: Nothing, Peter! NOTHING AT ALL (leaves the room in a huffy disgust).

DAD: Hey Andy, did I tell you about the restaurant we ate at last week?


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26 thoughts on “The ones who done birthed me …”

  1. Avatar

    What did they order?

    (*snort* hee hee quite dazzled with my brilliant comeback comment—)

    But seriously, Girlfriend, you have such a gift for narrative. I can just hear all the nuances and cadence when I read these lines. I’m laughing and giggling and tee-heeing–and all the while thinking, “What a gift. What a storyteller.”
    You’re awesome.


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    I love it. Reminds me of my parents. What’s your mother’s name?! It’s odd for me to see “Dee” anywhere on the internet except my blog. 🙂

    Does your mom take calcium? If not, get some Os Cal plus vitamin D and get her to take 1000 mg. a day. All women should take that amount, to prevent osteoporosis. I’ve been taking it for years, as has my 75 year old mom who is still the same height as she was at 20. Calcium rocks! OK, I’m getting off my soapbox now…

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    My husband is quite deaf; I think he’d enjoy watching tv with your folks.

    I think they’re adorable!

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog yesterday; I really appreciate all the comments I received.

  4. Avatar

    LMAO! Oh Andy…you have such a way of writing conversations…that was too funny. Sounds like my grandparents when my grandfather was alive. My grandmother is going deaf and loves talking so she’d be just like your mom. LOL

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    I was laughing myself off the couch – thanks for sharing this SO much!!! I could totally imagine it – not my parents (yet), but absolutely my grandparents… Actually brings back sweet memories!!!

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    Ha – what a hilarious post! Those wacky oldsters – I can’t wait to become one. At the rate I’m going, I should hit that mark around next Tuesday…

    Thanks for stopping by my blog – hope to see you back!

    :^) Anna

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    At least your dad still tries to get a word in edgewise. My grandfather gave up about 40 years ago. He just sits there and nods, agreeing with everything my grandmother says.

    Gee, I can’t WAIT to be married that long!

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    lmao… that is great! I am exhausted just from reading the dialogue. Reminds me a lot of my grandparents, who have been married almost 52 years. They live next door and we always go over there if we need a laugh. Funny stuff!

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