Twenty Things Every Mom Needs to Know

Last year, I had a layout published in which I dispensed some parenting advice that I had gleaned over my years as a mom. I’ve managed to keep my kids alive up to now so I think all of that advice still has merit and in my 4.3 minutes of allotted down time per day, I’ve gradually added to my arsenal. My goal is to have this mounted on a neon green 10′ x 10′ canvas and hang one in each of my daughters’ family rooms after they have children of their own. At the bottom, it will have a small, bronze plaque engraved with “I TOLD YOU SO. LOVE, MOM”

  1. My philosophy on parenting can best be described as a combination of “flying by the seat of my pants” and “baptism by fire” with a healthy dose of “winging it” thrown in for good measure.
  2. Save the $12.95 plus shipping/handling. No book is going to fully prepare you for the wonder that is projectile vomiting. You have to experience it first hand to truly appreciate all of its nuances.
  3. Television has the power to suck the ability to form a coherent thought right out of a child. Use this time wisely.
  4. Remember, there is no law that requires you to have fifteen of your daughter’s closest friends sleep over in your living room on her birthday and feed them all breakfast the next morning and no amount of hissy fits changes that fact.
  5. There is a direct correlation between raising a pre-teen daughter and the deterioration of cerebral function at warp speed. Who are you again?
  6. It’s one week before summer and your six year old insists on riding her bike into the road. What do you do? If your answer is to restrict her to your driveway and explain that you are simply trying to keep her safe and alive to enjoy the summer and, with any luck, her next birthday – good for you! Just be prepared for her to promptly fall off her bike in the driveway and suffer a spiral fracture of her lift tibia from ankle to knee, resulting in the summer being pretty much a bust. When she breaks her arm almost exactly one year later under identical circumstances, don’t say I didn’t warn you and I won’t say I told you so.
  7. The laws of physics simply don’t allow for seven friends to sit next to the birthday girl in a 2000 Honda Accord. It’ll be ugly but hey, you can’t fight the science.
  8. Any teacher worth his/her salt expects any mom worth her salt to negotiate the terms under which she will chaperone her kindergartner’s class field trip to the local zoo. As a mom and fellow human being, I encourage you to think of your own safety as it’s you against one hundred hot, sweaty little miscreants who haven’t eaten anything in three hours and who are demanding to pet the gorillas. Insist on a three foot perimeter “safe zone” protecting you from used tissue, chewed gum, sticky hands and various bodily fluids and gases. Bullhorns are a necessity, not a luxury. So is Xanax. If you feel your sanity is in jeopardy at any time, run far far away. If riding on a school bus is required, get the appropriate shots and demand combat pay. Make sure your affairs are in order. Just sayin’.
  9. When your five year old suffers a partially severed ear, requiring twenty stitches by a plastic surgeon in the ER and then asks if the mile of pink and purple bandaging around her head looks like “fashion,” just nod your head “yes” and try to ignore your clammy skin, greenish pallor, impending nausea, heart palpitations and acute dizziness. No one likes a drama queen.
  10. If you want your children to be able to function in the real world, then you better teach them how real time works. “Just a minute” does not mean sixty seconds, it means “whenever the hell Mommy feels like it.” So shut up already about the big hand and the little hand because you’re ruining it for the rest of us.
  11. In a perfect world, your pediatrician’s office has self-sterilizing toys, snack machines and a five minute maximum waiting time. But we don’t live in a perfect world, do we? Put your game face on and pack a bag.
  12. The first time you channel your mother won’t be your last.
  13. I can’t lie to you. There is no general consensus as to the length of a “stage.” It can last anywhere from ten minutes to ten years. Yes, it sucks. But at least you know.
  14. Barbie is the Devil Incarnate and Polly Pockets are her spawn.
  15. Taking a daily shower and separating dirty socks and underwear from dirty jeans before they hit the laundry basket is not considered child abuse. Neither is requiring them to actually hit the laundry basket.
  16. “I will” when uttered by a child actually means “I won’t until you ask me 83 more times.”
  17. Battling lice can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am so not kidding.
  18. Don’t sign your daughter up for girl scouts unless you are willing to sleep in some pretty icky places and take my word for it … no amount of Thin Mints is going to make you feel better about spending the night on the floor of an aquarium directly underneath the kid-friendly a/k/a no-walls-separating-you-from-them crab exhibit. Do I have to draw you a picture?
  19. The words “we’ll see” are almighty powerful and can mean yes,” “no,” “maybe,” “not a shot in hell” and/or “over my dead body,” depending on the circumstances. Use them sparingly and they’ll serve you well.
  20. If you think you won’t ever bribe, yell, or swear at your kids, or use the phrase “because I said so” … good luck with that. You’re on your own.

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98 thoughts on “Twenty Things Every Mom Needs to Know”

  1. Avatar

    Your post made me laugh (and nod in agreement quite a few times!)

    Thanks for stopping by my blog to comment today! At least, I think it was you! 🙂

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    You are killing me! And definitely a member of the “Bad Mother’s Club”! LOLOLOLOL, of which I am President! bwahahahhahah I’ll have to send my friends over to read this!
    I went to cheer camp last year with 32 cheer princess (and the pea). The beds were disgusting, the bathrooms were mortifying, the food HORRIBLE, the walk in the heat to the air conditioned gym deplorable, how could starbucks be closed oh and btw 1/2 of them will be attending this University and living in this or a similar dorm very shortly! I was in paradise myself having a bathroom that wasn’t down the hall and someone cooking for me? This was not rouging it girls. This year we are going to “Resort Camp” because they couldn’t take it. OH and one of those cheer princesses is mine! LOL!

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    very funny 20 things to read!! There were a bunch of them I was just laughing so loudly about that my youngest asked what was so funny!!

    Thanks for a great read again today!

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    OMG! LOL I am seriously sitting here roaring my big tush off! Oh man, you have got it down. Love this post. Definitely one of my fave blog posts of all time! YOU ROCK!

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    LOL, I love it except I disagree with the girl scouts thing. I am a leader for my daughters girl scout troop and I love experiencing those things with her. Of course, its not for everyone.

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    TRUE!!!! LOL!! Every word!! I just keep remembering the words of my grandmother…”You’ll have at least 1 child that makes you pay for your raisin’.” lol!! I’ve got 3!!:p

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    Amen, sister. Especially to No. 4. We had a slumber party for my daughter when she was in 5th grade … that was also the year I volunteered to lead her Girl Scout troop. I still have nightmares! I’m smarter now with my son. When he says, “You don’t have to come on this field trip, Mom,” I say, “Great!” and I go have coffee with my friends. If I do drive on a field trip, I tell the teacher I only have three seatbelts, when I actually have six.

    Great post — thanks for the laughs!

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    at this moment in time it sounds as though it is a lot safer to have boys, true I have used many of those ploys you have mentioned to advantage already but as they are only 4 and 6 I see I have a long way to go yet!

  9. Avatar

    Love the list!

    I have comments and/or anecdote for almost all of them but that would be a lot of typing for me and a lot of reading for you. So I’ll just leave it at love the Barbie and Polly Pocket comment 🙂

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    Yes, Katy has reached the Barbie/Polly Pocket age and you got that one right!! But you missed the part about how they seem to multiply on their own, especially the Polly Pockets!

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    Oh those are ALL really good ones!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only I think you need to add, “And then I’ll sound totally indignant and mortified at the suggestion that I might not get something done right away.” to number 16.

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    So totally true I have one for you: they’ll hate your guts, beg for 5 bucks sweetly and then instantly hate your guts again. I have boys, a 16 year old boy. BOYS ARE SO NOT EASY!!! Hiya from a sits 😀

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    How true! But it should apply to Dads as well as Moms. Does explosive, runny, green poop that drowns the right leg (where the snaps are located on the one piece sleeper) count the same as projectile vomiting? And if you think you are having fun now, just wait until your pre-teen girl becomes a teen. As a father of a 29 yo, all I can say is, “Be scared. Be very scared.”

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    I’m not a parent but I did love number 14. Dropping by from SITS…Hope you have a great SITS day! I’ll be adding you to my list of blogs I visit too….Your SUPER funny!

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    Those are great things to remember! I especially like the ones about physics in a Honda Accord and the length of a “stage.” I feel like the stages are never ending around here.

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    Freaking hilarious!

    I remember I had a slumber party once (only once!) where I invited all the girls from my class (like 20?). We all squeezed into a Subaru station wagon to go roller skating. Most certainly can’t do that these days! And how I regret having that many girls over…I wish my mom had just said NO! (as it turned into a disaster party for me).

    Happy SITS day!

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    Okay are you living my life!!! lol I’m glad that I have company in this parenting thing. I think it’s a curse by Moms to their children to wish their children do what we did to our parents. Trust me I’m wishing it on my boys now! lol

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    Oh my gosh, you’re so funny! I think you’re one of my new all-time favorite SITS finds! Now I have to go search your archives to find the “adult language” post that SITS promised but incorrectly linked!

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    I am so glad to learn these things now, while my children are still young. You are a great SITS find. I am subscribing- darn you filling my google reader with more must reads!

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    I may change my mind in the future, but for now all I can say is, “Thank you Depo-Provera!” I’m off to go apologize to my mother now for making 18 years of her life a living hell.

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    You are a wise (hilarious) woman. I’m more familiar with most of those than I feel comfortable with. And I’m still recovering from our various lice episodes. I’ve considered shaving my daughters heads more than once (hey, if it looks good on Natalie Portman…) It’s been a pleasure reading you today. Congrats on the SITS feature.

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    LOL-YES! Especially about Barbie and her evil spawn. We have never lost a Polly Pocket shoe. Yes, I am that crazy. Yesterday I told my 5-yr-old, “We’ll see…” and he turned to his sister and sighed, “That means no!” I told him that it absolutely did not, and he told me that it absolutely did. Whatever! Gotta go, my “minute” (35 minutes plus bathroom break and trip to the kitchen for a soda) is almost over! 😉

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    We’ll see……….I love that phrase. I usually use it in hopes that they will forget what they asked me for so I don’t need to make a decision!

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    Happy SITS day. I am laughing at the last one. I swore I wouldn’t say “Because I said so” it was my moms favorite word. But I caught myself saying it the other day. Shh don’t tell her though.

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    One of the FUNNIEST and TRUEST posts about mommyhood EVER! LOved every word of it! So glad the SITStas featured you! I needed a laugh today! 🙂

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    ps I don’t even know what that means…”healthy reminders”…you know…because it’s important to stay away from the really unhealthy reminders. ?? I don’t know. It’s been a long day. Leave me alone about it.

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    The things you don’t read about in the baby books. I’m so sending Little Miss to boarding school when she’s a teenager. I wonder what impact that will have….

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