We bought a new washer and dryer and that’s why my boobs are crooked

At precisely 3:00 p.m., this past Sunday, our dryer decided to audition for every single role in the Broadway show Stomp. Simultaneously. In surround sound. After three minutes, it developed sudden onset narcolepsy and still hasn’t woken up.

By 3:15 p.m., we were at Lowes, looking at dryers that had no musical aspirations or sleep disorders. Then we looked at washers as well because our own had begun exhibiting signs of multiple personality disorder in that sometimes it was a washing machine and sometimes it was a ginormous, toothless mouth that treated a load of laundry like a jawbreaker, rolling it around and sucking on it long enough to remove its bright colors and all its flavors before spitting out its saliva-saturated carcass.

I affectionately referred to our washer and dryer by such endearments as “DUMB” and “DUMBER” when I was in a good mood and “F&CK” and “YOU” when I wasn’t.

By 3:45 p.m.,, I had discovered that I had lost the ability to read because it turned out that the signs hanging above the washers and dryers which I thought advertised “We’ll call our competitors for their prices while you wait!” actually advertised “NO WE WON’T. BECAUSE WE’RE BIG, FAT LIARS AND YOU ARE LITTLE IMPOTENT CONSUMERS.” I realized this phenomenon after two salesman declined to call another local appliance store for me. I marched over to Nate and asked him whether I should complain, who should I complain to and whether or not we had time for me to pitch a full-on hissy by the Samsung display and still get home by dinner time but he wasn’t listening because he was too busy calling the local appliance store for price comparisons. So in a sense, he was doing their job and not getting paid for it. And believe you me, we could have used that money so that we could throw it right back into Lowes’ collective face to pay for F&CK and YOU’s replacements.

I would have asked Nate to stop the slave labor gig long enough to witness the spectacle I was about to make of myself but he shoved the phone into my hand because he’s allergic to conversation with faceless strangers and then I was too busy asking the local appliance store rep for price comparisons because it turns out that it’s surprisingly easy to do other peoples’ jobs and not get paid for it, especially when you’re distracted by things like steam options, RPMs and inconspicuously feeling yourself up underneath your coat to determine if your bra had somehow unhinged itself or maybe you completely forgot to put one on before rushing out the door to cure your narcoleptic dryer and do other peoples’ jobs without getting paid for it. By the time I got off the phone, my boobs were askew and I had forgotten all about the hissy because it’s really hard to concentrate on anything when your mammary glands are flying willy nilly.

Way to ruin what might have been a spectacular and justified hissy, Nate. Or my bra. Whichever. Apparently, neither one of them realize how rare a spectacular and justified hissy is to come by these days.

By 4:00 p.m., I had arrived at that prime piece of mental real estate located at the corner of Analyze and Paralyze and for those of you who want to accomplish a similar feat in record time, I suggest you do the following:

  • Ask the opinions and expertise of three different salesmen, one of whom was on his way to dinner and simply thought you were going to ask him directions to the ladies room. It’s not your fault he’s a newbie;
  • Ask another local appliance store for their opinions on Whirlpool vs. Maytag, top loading vs. front loading, the odds of a bra unhinging itself and the pros and cons of pitching stellar and justified hissies in the middle of large home improvement stores with your husband who could not care less;
  • Ask your husband to make the final decision so that if/when the new appliances break two days after their warranties expire, you can assess blame accordingly;
  • Worry about asymmetric cleavage.

By 4:30 p.m., I knew everything I ever wanted to know about front load washers and dryers, to wit:

  • They are expensive;
  • They are energy efficient;
  • They are freaking expensive;
  • They are shiny and kind of sexy;
  • They are expensive because they’re energy efficient, shiny and kind of sexy;
  • They have almost as many buttons as the space shuttle;

You’d think I’d be ecstatically happy to have a new washer and dryer and if we had won the mega millions last week like I told Nate to make sure we did, I’d be jumping for joy but as it turned out, some old couple won the mega millions and will probably buy new outfits and underwear every day for the rest of their lives and won’t even need a front loading washer or dryer and I suppose I can take heart in the fact that they’re pretty old and probably won’t live much longer so they won’t end up buying *that* many outfits but honestly, that makes me sound like a heartless bitch when in reality, I’m simply just jealous and bitter.

So when it comes to getting a spankin’ brand new, shiny, sexified washer and dryer, I’m not so much ecstatically happy as I am CLOTHES ARE OVERRATED. LET’S MOVE TO A NUDIST COLONY WHERE EVERYONE IS BLIND.

These Whirlpool Duets are going to be delivered this Saturday. I’m going to call them “Zoe’s first year of college” and “Helena’s braces” when I’m in a good mood and HOLY GODDAMN SHITBALLS, YOU BETTER LAST TWENTY YEARS and HOLY GODDAMN SHITBALLS, I FREAKING MEAN IT when I’m not.



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22 thoughts on “We bought a new washer and dryer and that’s why my boobs are crooked”

  1. Avatar

    I have a similar set in blue. I like them. However, you should make sure that you have them on some kind of pedestal thing-y because otherwise you will be bending over in really awkward positions or doing laundry while sitting on your butt.

    Otherwise, I think you will like them a lot and you will never need all of the buttons that make them sound like spaceships.

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      UGH. I was afraid of that. We didn’t buy the pedestals because the washer and dryer were already a huge, unexpected expense so we just couldn’t swing the pedestals – even with a buy one, get one free deal on them.

      But I kind of excel at bending over in awkward positions so, there’s that.

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        It is my firm belief that Nate is perfectly capable of taking some pieces of wood and using those as pedestals. I know that you only think he is good at purchasing Chia pets but I am pretty sure he can handle this. Wood is really all you need…and love.

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    They’re so pretty! We have this super crap stacked washer/dryer thing that I hate with a passion but I refuse to even consider replacing because we-are-moving-out-of-this-rental-this-year-dammit-if-it-means-i-have-to-sell-all-my-extraneous-organs-and-yours-too-on-ebay and I’m not buying anything that I can’t take with me. The dryer makes this awful *squeeeeeeeeeak sqeeeeeeak* noise through most of its run and takes about 140 minutes to dry a load. (Not exaggerating… the longest period of time I can set it to is 70 minutes and I have to do this TWICE every load. On the hottest temperature. Blech.) I can’t do laundry at night anymore because I’m afraid the neighbors will call the cops on me for disturbing the peace.

    Sorry they cost so much… hopefully when they arrive, they’ll look so shiny and nice and new that you’ll forget the price tag. I tend to get distracted by sparkly things. 😀

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    Yes, you think those washers and dryers are expensive? Wait till you realize you can redo your laundry area. We now have nice cabinets above our front loading washer and dryer, a countertop installed above them so we have a place to fold clothes and put stuff, a cabinet below where we can store our laundry detergent, etc out of the way, and then I also have a lovely little curtain in front of the washer and dryer so that the area can double as a buffet or a bar when we have company. I’m not kidding.

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    –>We bought front loaders four years ago without the pedestals and I think to this day, if I could ever figure out all the different settings, I could ride them to the moon. Til then, I’ve enjoyed how the dryer is smart enough to beep at me when the clothes are dry without running a full cycle.

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    We have pedestals for our front loaders too. When we bought them 18 months ago DH the cheapsake went with the ‘scratch & dent’ model washer (which is just sensible, the boys dinged both up within days), which had been a display unit & had been on a pedestal but when they went to take it off for the scratch & dent sale they stripped the bolts & made it impossible to remove so they had to sell together. We paid full price for the matching dryer & after I told DH he had to build a pedestal for it so they would be the same height and that pedestal needed a working pull out drawer he demanded a manager & insisted they sell us a second pedestal at half price or get out some welding equipment and remove the washer’s pedestal so both units would be the same height one way or the other. My sons were busy climbing on every stove in the area and generally being their adorable high spirited selves and I think the manger wanted nothing more than to get us the hell out of there so he capitulated

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    I really do like that you worked Holy Shit Balls into your post. because really? it’s my favourite saying. Kinda makes me feel like you’re giving me a shout out on your blog without even noticing. So, you’re welcome for letting you use that phrase.

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    BTW – meant to tell you when I posted the first time, that I did a shout out to you in my blog post this morning! :o) (bowing down to you in awe as I back my fat ass out the door)

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    You are hilarious! I have front loader envy and yes, it sounds dirty. When I grow up that’s what I want to get!
    And I too am a big fan of saying “Holy Shit Balls”. Not many people enjoy that saying though!

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    Only you can spin a story that involves and bra malfunction and appliance shopping trip! WTG with the front loader. Mine died just after Christmas. The repairman is on a 3 week vacation. The other repairman is fully booked for weeks!! Thank goodness the neighbors are also on vacation but kindly left us their key. Their top loader is my new best friend!

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    Dude, can I come over and drool over your new washer and dryer sometime? Or at least fondle them longingly?

    Because we have the Sears top-loader washer and front-loading dryer that the previous owners of our house bought. In the 1960s. I don’t even have the capability to use fabric softener in my washer, because it is of the era when the happy housewife just *waited* for that point in the cycle, then ran to the washer and poured the fabric softener in.

    The damn things are older than I am but in better shape than I am. So. Unfair.

    Sorry yours died such a cruel and abrupt death, though!

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    My fave: “that prime piece of mental real estate located at the corner of Analyze and Paralyze” — that’s brilliant. =)

    We are worried that we will be doing the same song and dance in the near future. However, I refuse to pay more than $x for the two (I have to do some research before I determine “x”), and that’ll be that… so I’ll probably get two ratty ole machines that will last only a few years. =) But I’m ok with that.

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    Congratulations on the addition of two new members to your family!
    May they live long and productive lives and work very, very hard each and every day.

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    Now can you explain to my husband that we need a new set. It currently takes about 45 minutes to wash a load, and well over an hour to dry ONE load of wash. He fails to realize that while we’re in Army housing now, we won’t be forever, and electricity was deregulated in our state last January. We NEED energy efficient. Oh, and don’t forget to empty the little drain thingy I’ve heard the front load washers have or it’ll start to smell.

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    As always, you manage to find humor even in the most dreaded situations…I hate buying appliances for that very reason. You have to deal with crappy salesman who will pretty much tell you lies like “I have this same fridge and my wife LOVES it”. Yeah, right….then you find out the guy’s wife left him 6 months ago because he’s an asshole who lies.

    Anyway, I was gonna mention getting the pedestals because we have the LG front loaders and opted not to buy the pedestals. Huge mistake! It kills my back every time I have to do laundry. For the last 3 years, since we’ve had them, Tim has said he’s going to BUILD me some pedestals. Good thing I didn’t say I was going to hold my breath waiting for him to do it because I would’ve been 6 feet under 2.75 years ago if I had.

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    I feel your pain, we are shopping for a new refidgerator- apparently, they are $1000! I had no idea – seriously, $1000. At least it comes with an ice dispenser, I guess 🙂 Oh wait, the ones with an ice dispenser are more expensive. Enjoy your new machines, I am sure they will take laundry to a whole new level. But, not the level where you don’t need to bend over and actually DO the laundry, you’ll need some hired help for that – or, a really amazing husband.

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    Congrats on the new machines, sure you’ll love them. When we first got our front loaders we watched in amazement as the drum would turn one way then stop and turn the other way (we’re easily entertained) tumbling the clothes clean like magic.

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